verbal abuse

[oldrooster]

Well please don't listen to Desi, as there is no Space Shuttle, Twinkies or automobiles as they are not mentioned in the bible.
Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.....

 

[johnfiredup]

my stepfather was abusive both verbal and physical.. he taught me a lot i developed what i call "the little red-haired stepkid syndrome" ( you know ,always watching for approaching trouble)from him . someone said "you both need to talk about it' (or something like that) are you kiddiing ? those that practise this on their "loved" ones seldom listen to any of that! my advice is get away from this rubbish and ,with due respect dont take the counsel of the ungodly i dont care how many degrees they have- if they dont have Jesus ; forget them
just recentley at the age of 53 i could finally say "i'm healed" only through the love of Jesus, find a caring church where people will love and encourage you and also "go to war" in prayer against this in your life

 

[DrJay]

Johnfiredup

Thanks for your reply. It is amassing that there are so many men who have been victims of verbal abuse. We usually think that it is a issue that affects mostly women. Not true. Thanks for the boldness to speak out.

Dr. Jay

 

[Nan60]

Dr Jay,

Funny that I decided to sign on this website after being off for a while.
Well... what I find interesting is the fact that I am struggling with this type of relationship myself. I am trying to grow spiritually on a daily basis, and I am learning alot. I am also noticing the effects of the things that we say and the things that are said to us.
So I guess I would like to further this conversation but not sure how to approach it without sounding like an idiot.
So lets start with this, do you think verbal abuse is when someone tells you to shut your face after asking them to slow down because you are frightened by their driving? Of course that was not the whole statement but part of it. That was the part that I felt was hurtfull. Or when your spouse is frustrated over (whatever) and screams "your a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]head" loud enough for your Grandkids to hear?
I know I have not been the angel of the year either, but I am really growing enough to actually realize that this type of talking is not honorable to either of us. I have had enough therapy in the past to stop and think before shouting hurtfull things, I learned how to argue without being hatefull. It makes it very hard for me to stay cool when the same courtesy is not given back to me.
I don't deserve this. Please don't tell me to get out of the relationship. we have been together for almost 15yrs and married for 10.
My heart is truly breaking and it is minimized terribly when I try to approach this with him when neither of us is stressed or angry of whatever mood would have it.

Please help me with Biblical principles and how I can pray and ask for help in this.
Thanks and God Bless
Nan60

 

[bkg]

As a guy accused of verbal abuse.. who after having read James has been convicted that he may have been abusive, but certainly NEVER intended to be... how does one define verbal abuse???

Before one can be helped, it's first important to understand what we are specifically talking about. Someone saying "I don't like this" or making a verbal mistake and later apologizing for it, is not abuse. Someone who says something to a spouse, and that spouse NEVER responds by telling him/her that the comment was hurtful, should not necessarily be classified as an abuser (I know there can be history that builds a meakness that prevents the spouse from responding).

This is why I asked the question in the other thread - what IS verbal abuse?

 

[Manna]

This is why I asked the question in the other thread - what IS verbal abuse

IMO, verbal abuse is using your words to tear down another person. Especially between a husband and wife, you are to build each other up instead of tearing each other down. If you are speaking in a degrading manner, I would consider that verbal abuse. An example conversation that I have encountered went something like "I can't believe you left that coffee cup sitting on the counter. Could you be any more of a slob? How hard is it to wash a coffee cup after you drink out of it? I don't care what you have to say, I don't want to insult my intelligence by hearing anything that comes from your mouth. What are you, stupid? Why can't you be more like Bridget? She tries to please her husband in all that she does. She would have put up the coffee cup." Something like that.

 

[pegatha]

Wow, you wrote a book for Christians about something the Christian Bible doesn't even talk about. I guess God didn't cover everything, that's where you assume to come in and fill in the blanks?

I don't get this, Desi. The word "trinity" is not in the Bible, and yet the concept is clearly there, and there have been many books, tracts, and sermons written about it, rightly so. In the same way, the phrase "verbal abuse" may be nonBiblical, but it describes a cluster of sinful acts and attitudes which are certainly discussed and condemned throughout Scripture.

My take on verbal abuse is that the victim (while in no way to blame for the abuse) needs to learn to stand up the abuser, and to objectively evaluate and reject the abuse. Abusers are bullies, and bullies pick on the weak.

I have a relative who unexpectedly became verbally abusive when a serious family disagreement came up recently... he made an accusation against me that sort of hurt... then I sat down, wrote out my side of the story (being as honest as I could with myself), and discovered that he was actually the one who was guilty of the very fault he accused me of. That, along with praying for him and getting some emotional support from people I respect, are giving me the strength to stick to my guns and not be intimidated by the abuse.

I'm sure it's not going to be quite so easy for people who've been beaten down by long-term abuse, but my guess is that the principles are the same. Get some support, pray for God to deal with the abuser's heart, and learn to reject the abuse for what it really is.

 

[bliz]

Verbal abuse works only when the person is vunerable or an area of their life is. It works on kids becasue they are vunerable everywhere - they don't yet have a sense of self and worth and so they are deeply wounded and harmed by any abuse. With teens and adult, the abuser, usually someone close to them, aims the attacks where they know the person is weakest.

When I have "worked" with people who have been verbally abused (as friend or boss, mentor - I used to work at a college so I worked with kids there a lot, women seek me out...) I go back to the basics of self and worth: You are made in the image of God. Jesus died for you. God loves you. Depending uppon where they are weak, I try and help and help them to build up those areas... I'm thinking of a yong lady, biracial, whose father (white) told her all the time how ugly she was, how no man would ever want her, etc. She hated her skin color, her kinky hair, her features... I talked about how she had been knit together - how God had chosen which genes would come from which parent - that He had chosen to give her the hair she had, etc. etc. ... We worked on her telling herself "I am a daughter of the King." when she looked in the mirror and walked about campus. She came back to school from a break and told me "My Dad told me again how ugly I was and for the first time in my life, in my head, I answered back and said 'No I'm not!' " But she had come to that conclusion - I never told her she was beautiful (which she was!)

Jumping in and trying to refute the verbal attack "You're not stupid; you're smart!" where no foundation has been built for the new information is not very helpful.

 

[RJ1]

Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.....

I got plenty of both as a kid. I don't think much about the beatings but it took me years to get to the point where I didn't hear all the nasty words slung at me. I heard them every day of my life in my head in all kinds of situations. It made me feel like I was less than everyone else. Prayer gave me the strength to get mad and fight back and eventually quiet those hurtful things from coming into my head all the time. I still carry them in my heart but mostly just as a reminder of what never to do to someone else. I wish that those that do that sort of thing could understand how powerful a tool cruel words are.

 

[DrJay]

Nan60

Here is one of the best definitions of verbal abuse:
If you have ever heard something said to you or about you that, if believed, would lead you to assume that you are less than you are, different from whom you know yourself to be, or even not who you are, you have heard verbal abuse.

Dr. Jay

 

[pegatha]

If you have ever heard something said to you or about you that, if believed, would lead you to assume that you are less than you are, different from whom you know yourself to be, or even not who you are, you have heard verbal abuse.

Not to be argumentative, but how would you then distinguish verbal abuse from simply being told an unpleasant truth about yourself? Don't we all deceive ourselves to some degree about who and what we are (I'm sure I do)?

 

[bkg]

Not to be argumentative, but how would you then distinguish verbal abuse from simply being told an unpleasant truth about yourself? Don't we all deceive ourselves to some degree about who and what we are (I'm sure I do)?

Agreed w/ Pegatha on this one. If we define anything that isn't postive as verbal abuse, then we've defined it WAY to broad...

Truth hurts, but does that mean that the truth is abusive? If so, then isn't Paul quite abusive? Wasn't Jesus abusive when He disciplined the pharasees or the desciples?

Maybe I'm just in the mood to argue (been known to do that from time to time), but if we are walking on egg-shells at all times because we never know how someone else might take something, then we will never be able to utter truth. By me tellign someone that he/she is a sinner, and he/she views that as less than who they are, then I've just verbally abused them, have I not?

If the only way to avoid verbally abusing someone is to only tell them what they want to hear, then we've fallen right into the trap of Political Correctness, where absolute truth, integrity and Jesus have no place, for they might offend another, and that would have to be defined as abusive... Right?

 

[Leanna]

Verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse.....

That is absolutely not true. I think only a person who has never encountered physical abuse would say that.

 

[DrJay]

Not to be argumentative, but how would you then distinguish verbal abuse from simply being told an unpleasant truth about yourself? Don't we all deceive ourselves to some degree about who and what we are (I'm sure I do)?

There is a "BIG" difference between corrective criticism and verbal abuse. Read the definition again.
Dr. Jay

 

[pegatha]

There is a "BIG" difference between corrective criticism and verbal abuse. Read the definition again.
Dr. Jay

I agree there's a big difference. However, I read (and re-read) your definition very carefully, and it is broad enough to include both. Perhaps the definition should be expanded to include the motive of the abuser, as that seems to be the element that differentiates the two.

 

[DrJay]

I agree there's a big difference. However, I read (and re-read) your definition very carefully, and it is broad enough to include both. Perhaps the definition should be expanded to include the motive of the abuser, as that seems to be the element that differentiates the two.

Pegatha

You are correct in your answer. It is the motive behind the abuse. Remember, verbal abuse is about "POWER and CONTROL". One person having power and control over another. If the abuser doesn't have it than they feel useless. In almost every case the "abuser" was a "victim" and was never able to overcome their own pain or rejection.
Dr. Jay

 

[DrJay]

That is absolutely not true. I think only a person who has never encountered physical abuse would say that.

Wounds do heal but for millions of victims of verbal abuse the pain and memories are still there.

 

[WashedClean]

Wow, you wrote a book for Christians about something the Christian Bible doesn't even talk about. I guess God didn't cover everything, that's where you assume to come in and fill in the blanks? Then you set up an argument to throw in your Ph.D. educated findings which must be right because you have a Ph.D. in counseling verbal abuse victims. Bye...

Ummm... how about these Scriptures:

Proverbs 18:21
The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.


Proverbs 15:4
The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

There are more, but I think this first one is particularly poignant.

 

[DrJay]

That is absolutely not true. I think only a person who has never encountered physical abuse would say that.

Leanna
I am sorry if you had to go through physical abuse. I am not trying to minimize the bad experienced by those who have been physical abused. We must remember that the starting point with physical battering almost always begins with verbal abuse. There is a established pattern the batterer uses. There are millions of victims of verbal abuse who have never been beaten and their pain is just as great and may last a life-time. I am sorry that you had those problems.