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verbal abuse
- Thread starter DrJay
- Start date
Verbal abuse is aimed at some part of the person being abused. It could be their looks, personality, or sexuality. What you might want to do is make yourself aware of where this person was attacked. Then when this subject comes up, you can reinforce that this person is indeed, beautiful, funny, or smart. Just an idea anyway.
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Dr. Jay, if it's more serious you should probably elaborate. It sounds to me like the people who have posted have an understanding of this kind of abuse that comes from some knowledge of it, as one speaking from experience, so I think you need to clarify what exactly you are describing.
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So, if verbal abuse specifically is not in the Bible, we can't help someone who suffers from it (note I didn't not see anything about leaving the marriage anywhere here)? So if someone is robbed, we can help them, because Thou Shalt Not Steal is in the Bible, but if someone is being told that they are a bad person so much that they believe it - nope, sorry, can't help.desi said:
Just want to make sure I have this straight is all.
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Before someone asks. I have a Ph.D. in counseling and specialize in verbally abusive relationships. I also have written a book for christians who are victims of verbal abuse and verbally abusive relationships. Thought I might clear the air. I really want to hear the views of the people who look at this site. Some of the answers so far are very interesting. The major problem with verbal abuse in our churches is no one wants to talk about it and really does'nt want to expose it. I am trying to bring an awareness to the body of Christ that it is a major problem. Dr. Jay
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Jenna
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Ah, so you already basically know the answer to your own question, but wanted to set us all up. lol Well, if we're gonna be guinea pigs, it would help to know more about the hypothetical situation. Obviously I would help someone in a different way if they were real close to me, or an aquaintance who I didn't have a good relationship with. All in all, you would think that it would be easiest to combat stupid speach the most with Christians, since we have the Bible. It's kind of hard to do battle against absolute truth. If the Bible says that you're wonderfully made, it should be harder for words to touch a person who is told that they are ugly and a waste. If the Bible says that God loved you so much as to send His Son to die for you, then it's kind of hard for words to touch a person who is told that they are unloveable. I'm sure that you see where I'm going with this. However, this kind of logic only really works for Christians. All in all though, words only have the power to hurt if you let them. *shrugs*
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Manna
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People downplay verbal abuse. For someone who has never experienced it, they hear someone "complaining" about it and roll their eyes. Verbal abuse is (in my opinion) much worse than physical abuse. I have experienced both, and the verbal abuse was much more painful. I'm not saying that physical abuse is a walk in the park. I just know that in my experience, the bruises and broken bones healed while the words that were said haunt me still.
How would I help someone that is receiving this abuse? Give him or her an ear. Let them talk about it and know that it won't go past your heart. The information will not be repeated. Let them vent, let them cry, let them question. Most likely, he or she is starting to feel that maybe the person who is verbally abusing them is actually correct. The abuser has succeeded the instant that we believe what they are saying. I would listen to the person being abused. Do no offer advice. Listen, and then reassure them of who they TRULY are. Not what that person has been telling them every minute of the day, but what the facts are, what the truth is. They need to hear it over and over again. One negative statement will override 5 positive ones in their head. Keep that in mind.
So the condensed answer? How would you help a person who is being verbally abused? Love them.
Anna
How would I help someone that is receiving this abuse? Give him or her an ear. Let them talk about it and know that it won't go past your heart. The information will not be repeated. Let them vent, let them cry, let them question. Most likely, he or she is starting to feel that maybe the person who is verbally abusing them is actually correct. The abuser has succeeded the instant that we believe what they are saying. I would listen to the person being abused. Do no offer advice. Listen, and then reassure them of who they TRULY are. Not what that person has been telling them every minute of the day, but what the facts are, what the truth is. They need to hear it over and over again. One negative statement will override 5 positive ones in their head. Keep that in mind.
So the condensed answer? How would you help a person who is being verbally abused? Love them.
Anna
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Mayzoo
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I have lived with verbal abuse most my life. As a child I was taught: I was evil, a burden to my family, my birth caused my parents divorce, I had no value or worth, God would come to "extract his vengence" upon me, and my brother (4 yrs older) SEVERE physical abuse of me was my fault and I just had to deal with it (banging my head on the concrete was not uncommon, kicking, tripping, punching, threatening with a knife, throwing dining room chairs at me), because I was not worth the effort it would take to stop him and I deserved it anyway. I was also told I had a kidney defect that would kill me if I didnt take my medicine, when I was thirteen I read that this medicine will ruin your liver and cause you to need a transplant if it is taken long term. I choose to stop the medicine, mother told a 13 yr old child that I was now going to die a horrible, pain, lingering death. I would have to have dialisis forever now, and I would turn yellow, and suffer misserably for the remainder of my pain life. I am 36, still here, not yellow, not dead, and no sign of this "defect".
At 21, I moved away two states to get away from her. She told me when I arrived in my new state I would be greeted by someone who told me she had died from a heart attack because I moved without her permission.
As an adult I lost a child (part one of God's vengence iin her opinion), when I was pregnant the next time my loving
mother told me that driving places would cause me to lose my second child and it would be all my fault and that I must want to kill my unborn child. I was 34 and had been married 12 years and so wanted this child (my sweetie is here now and a true blessing). "Mother" 
also told me my husband was going out to cheat on me because I let him go fishing and all women should know this is just a ploy.
Am I scratching the surface of what you are refering to yet? Let me know if my situation is what you are talking about. My list of facts instilled to me as a child goes on and on, and the adult ones go on too. If this is what you refer too, I will be glad to talk more with you about how I have coped and healed.
This not marrital abuse, but all verbal abuse is designed to humiliate, conform, degrade, control, demean, ruin self esteem, and cause the victim to become reliant upon the abuser.
Verbal abuse is best described as 100% surface 3rd degree burn when it is first inflicted, in time the pain subsides--the scars remaining can last FOREVER.
At 21, I moved away two states to get away from her. She told me when I arrived in my new state I would be greeted by someone who told me she had died from a heart attack because I moved without her permission.
As an adult I lost a child (part one of God's vengence iin her opinion), when I was pregnant the next time my loving
mother told me that driving places would cause me to lose my second child and it would be all my fault and that I must want to kill my unborn child. I was 34 and had been married 12 years and so wanted this child (my sweetie is here now and a true blessing). "Mother" also told me my husband was going out to cheat on me because I let him go fishing and all women should know this is just a ploy. Am I scratching the surface of what you are refering to yet? Let me know if my situation is what you are talking about. My list of facts instilled to me as a child goes on and on, and the adult ones go on too. If this is what you refer too, I will be glad to talk more with you about how I have coped and healed.
This not marrital abuse, but all verbal abuse is designed to humiliate, conform, degrade, control, demean, ruin self esteem, and cause the victim to become reliant upon the abuser.
Verbal abuse is best described as 100% surface 3rd degree burn when it is first inflicted, in time the pain subsides--the scars remaining can last FOREVER.
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Oh man, Jenna, I fell for it too.Jenna said:
You have a good point. However, there are lots of women who have very low self-esteem, and men who know this and take advantage of it. Giving the women a swift kick and telling them to develop self esteem doesn't seem like a viable solution though.
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Jenna
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Oh yeah, Flipper, it's like looking at a deeply depressed person and telling them just to 'cheer up'. It's insane.
I, myself, have some pretty low self-esteem. I've been trying to dig myself out of a hole for years. That's just the way that it is, trying to de-program one's self after years of hearing the worst. However, I think that God has given us the best medicine that there is available- His love and His truth. I choose, every day of my life to trust in God and believe in His words instead of those who wanted nothing more than to beat me down and control me. In my completely honest opinion, there is only so much that a person can do to help someone bearing scars on their heart. Kind words are almost meaningless when you've heard the hurtful ones for years upon years. For me, the best medicine has been being around people who don't allow themselves the room for that stupid behavior. It gives me time to lick my wounds and lose myself in the Word.
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Mayzoo
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How to help a person currently suffering? I would have to say that would be a several step process.
1. The victim would have to remove themselves from the situation (no I am not promoting divorce). They must leave the situation not out of anger or hate, but out of love. Love for themselves, and a desire to heal themselves and the relationship.
2. Both parties need to attend some type of intervention, and behavior modification therapy.
3. Both parties need to learn healthy communication techniques.
4. The victim and the abuser must forgive the past transgretions.
5. A commitment must be made stating the parties involved will not partake of the negative behavior.
6. Through therapy, both parties need to adopt another course of action for when a difficult time arises.
If you are not a party involved in abuse, you can encourage both parties to seek help, and take a healing break from each other just until the behavior has begun being addressed. This, like any other very bad habit, will involve "slips" or "backslids"--both parties should know this, and know how to handle these slips.
Pray, Pray, Pray, and forgive, forgive, forgive.
1. The victim would have to remove themselves from the situation (no I am not promoting divorce). They must leave the situation not out of anger or hate, but out of love. Love for themselves, and a desire to heal themselves and the relationship.
2. Both parties need to attend some type of intervention, and behavior modification therapy.
3. Both parties need to learn healthy communication techniques.
4. The victim and the abuser must forgive the past transgretions.
5. A commitment must be made stating the parties involved will not partake of the negative behavior.
6. Through therapy, both parties need to adopt another course of action for when a difficult time arises.
If you are not a party involved in abuse, you can encourage both parties to seek help, and take a healing break from each other just until the behavior has begun being addressed. This, like any other very bad habit, will involve "slips" or "backslids"--both parties should know this, and know how to handle these slips.
Pray, Pray, Pray, and forgive, forgive, forgive.
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Wow, you wrote a book for Christians about something the Christian Bible doesn't even talk about.DrJay said:
I guess God didn't cover everything, that's where you assume to come in and fill in the blanks? Then you set up an argument to throw in your Ph.D. educated findings which must be right because you have a Ph.D. in counseling verbal abuse victims. Bye...
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Whitestone
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desi I am sorry the Lord has not opened your eyes to the scripture that covers how husbands and wives should treat eachother.
Even though the thread starter is a Dr. in this field it shows how inteligent he/she is by trying to expand theirown knowledge.
In my opinion for a church setting offer groups and classes that cover just these issues. Hopefully those that are in need of help would be drawn to the classes and groups. With enough positiver reinforcement hopefully both parties may see a problem and be able to work on a change for the better.
Whitestone
Even though the thread starter is a Dr. in this field it shows how inteligent he/she is by trying to expand theirown knowledge.
In my opinion for a church setting offer groups and classes that cover just these issues. Hopefully those that are in need of help would be drawn to the classes and groups. With enough positiver reinforcement hopefully both parties may see a problem and be able to work on a change for the better.
Whitestone
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Mayzoo and Whitestone
Thanks for your replies. You are on the right track with your answers to the question I posed about verbal abuse. I am not trying to use anyone as a guniea pig all I am tying to do is bring an awareness about the problem of verbal abuse and hopefully open up a forum that will help bring good answers to victims and pray that they receive healing.
Dr. Jay
Thanks for your replies. You are on the right track with your answers to the question I posed about verbal abuse. I am not trying to use anyone as a guniea pig all I am tying to do is bring an awareness about the problem of verbal abuse and hopefully open up a forum that will help bring good answers to victims and pray that they receive healing.
Dr. Jay
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