Verbal abuse...

[Cerulean_Butterfly]

It took me awhile to be able to post here... these things are hard to talk about.. so bear with me...

When I was in the 5th grade all the verbal abuse started... you may think of this as just bullying and child play... but it wasn't... I was tormented... day in and day out... and I never told a single soul until now...

Kids called me names all day long... it never stopped... the boys would slap my backside or snap my bra strap... They'd call me 'dumbo' 'fatty' 'ugly' 'b!tch' 'good for nothing wh0re' 's|ut'.... and more names that you can't imagine. I wasn't a s|ut at all... I didn't dress like one or act like one... it was just a name they enjoyed calling me... This went on for two years...

I will never forget the day in 7th grade, when the whole class turned on me... even the 8th grade... even people I called my friends... They pointed and laughed... called me names all day long... and no one did anything to stop it... Not even my best friend of 10 years...

They made my boyfriends dump me... by telling him that I slept with someone else... or that I was flirting with someone else behind his back... they told them I was using them to get laid with someone else... and it was all a matter of time before I snapped.

I had basketballs thrown at my face... I was pushed and shoved... it was a nightmare... I had to get the pain out so I began cutting myself...

One day, someone called me "God's little mistake..." and that was it... I didn't see the need to live anymore... I planned to over dose that night and just end it all... but my best friend called and talked me out of it.

This verbal abuse went on until my parents pulled me out of school and homeschooled me.

I will never forget that... ever... as long as I live. All of that pain they put me through... this is all still a fresh wound... I can't even begin to describe how badly I was in pain... I wanted to be perfect... I wanted to be loved... but I felt I couldn't be... I felt so alone... and hopless.... worthless... unwanted... No one realizes the pain that they cause on someone else when they verbally torment them...

 

[Godsgirl481]

I understand more than you can imagine. I too was tormented in school. It went further with me though. I hated myself...I grew up hating myself...so when you hate yourself...other people tend to not like you. I never had a friend until I was in high school. It seemed the entire school was out to get me...and furthermore...I was getting abused at home too....verbally, sexually, and physically. It was never ending for me...abused at school...abused at home. I learned that the easiest way for me was to stand still, not say anything, look at the ground and let myself be abused. It got worse if I fought. I disassociated myself from everyone and everything around me. This is how I survived my childhood abuse....I mentally went somewhere else. It got really bad in middle school. I remember once in 7th grade. I was sitting on the ground on the softball field in gym and I remember asking one of the girls about her shirt she was wearing in the locker room. It wasn't bad...but she and all her friends took it as bad and they gathered around me....me still sitting on the ground...and started to throw rocks at me. There were at least 20 kids doing this...and all I could do was ball myself up and hope it was stop. The coach came out and they stopped...the coach never seeing anything. I was terrified to say anything because they would gang up on me after school...so I never said a word. This went on until my later years of high school...where most kids grow up some. My teachers were my friends...I used to stay after school and help them pick up the class room or whatever. Anything to not go home and anything to not be a victim of the kids. I remember most of my teachers because of this....some were youth pastors on the side or were involved in Christian teen events. Anyways sweetie...you are not alone. I am really glad you have the chance to be home schooled. It would not have been good for me either way...since I was getting daily beatings at home too...along with being forced to have sex....or watch sex...or whatever. to you Jo....it gets better...I promise.

 

[Cerulean_Butterfly]

Bams... I'm sorry that all happened to you... Thanks for your reply. BIG Love ya.

-Jo.

 

[Godsgirl481]

It's okay....I am a stronger person because of it...I think. At least that is what they tell me

 

[JesusIsMyLord01]

AWW i know what your feeling i go through it at school everyday and though it hurts my feelings really bad i have friends who stick by me when i come home and tell them my day. I wouldnt be able to go through school with out my youth group or God. If i wasn't saved id be dead by now. I don't know if ill get over the name-calling but i know ill be able to get through it with God by my side. thx for sharing your story!

 

[Jennifer615]

I was also tormented at school from my first day in Kindergarten to year 9, when my mother had to pull me out of school at the verge of suicide. I was just an easy target. I cried when they tormented me, and hence they tormented me more. I was also excluded when I started highschool. The torment turned to full-on verbal abuse. I was always laughed at, and they would immitate my lisp.

I have never really got over it. Today, I am an overly sensitive person. I fear rejection more than death. I take everything to heart. I generally keep to myself, unless I am absolutely sure someone will accept me, then I will be friendly. I crave closeness and affection, yet at the same time avoid people, so fearful that they will reject me or ridicule me. I believe it has so psychologically affected me, that it has affected my walk with God. I just don't feel accepted by God, and take to heart the extreme things I read and hear from fundamental Christians.

At least they are now not tolerating bullying at school. It was just 34 years too late for me.

 

[phoenix_kid82]

Hi Extreme

Thanx for sharing.

I also got really badly bullied at school. Almost every day. I had no friends until a bit later on in year 4-6 (the boys, who i got bullied even more for hanging out with cos they were boys and i am a girl). And i did get bullied in hightschool too, although not nearly as bad. In fact, i was surprised to have ppl be nice to me.

I had ppl messing with my head constantly, trying to push me and push me, i had this group surround me while this girl was whipping me with a skipping rope. The teachers seemed to turn a blind eye to alot of it. Ppl wouldn't include me in games, and when the teacher made them, they got mad and didn't want to play anymore.

On top of all that, i fought like crazy with everyone at home, there was alot of hate. My parents would argue constantly (when my dad was actually not out drinking), and i was sexually abused when i was 9 (a few times) and i didn't tell anyone because i didn't understand what happened, i just thought i was going to hell for committing adultery.

I figured later that these kids were probably troubled, had things going on at home (i know half of them did for a fact).

Well, i haven't fully recovered, i still hate myself deeply, my vulrnerabilities and stupid things i say make me cringe. I can't stand anyone hating me or thinking anything badly of me. Because it doesn't really matter what i think of me, i'm just me, my opinion doesn't even matter to myself.

It's this weird catch-22, but when you really step back and try to see it for what it was (i'm talking dynamics, not the intensity of the abuse), you see that you're just a person, just like them, that no one is better than you, that no one's opinion matters more than yours. And you realise the only one who matters is God.

It's weird because the illusion looks so real. But the abuser(s) are like this big Goliath, all talk, throwing their weight around, believing that they're all that. But at the end of the day, there is nothing about them, no magic, nothing special out of the ordinary. This is the trick of the enemy. It's all pretend. Only in God is there life. Light and salt of the earth. The power of love.

And you know what? I'm now 22. The bullies are all messed up. One of them is in jail, a couple of them are single mums, the rest stayed in their small town with the same friends having the same b*tchy fights over the same things with the same mentality. I went on to re-commit to God. I was really messed up, but i've seen a bit of the world, i have friends that care about me, i do fun things all the time, i have a great church family, and i have so much vision and passion to help others suffering injustice. In fact, i believe i will be helping young girls and speaking out against bullying among many things. More than anything, i want them to know Christ. And i want them to join me in my vision to change the world for Jesus.

You have so much going for you girl. Challenge the beliefs you have about yourself, challenge anything that says you can't do something. Jesus believes in you, that's all that matters. And He actually has an authority to stand on because He knows you the best.