verbal abuse...help

[LinkH]

Just some thoughts.

I'd like to point out that Jesus' words did not allow for divorce due to verbal abuse. Nor did Paul's commandments from the Lord which He related.

If a woman's husband doesn't want to go to counseling, that doesn't mean she has the right to divorce him. If a man does not meet his wife's ultimatums, that doesn't mean she has a right to divorce him. Has God ordained that women give their husband's ultimatums and husbands must obey? That doesn't seem to fit with the husband's role of head of the wife referred to in scripture. Offering to go to counseling and bailing if he says no is not doing all you can do to follow God's will on staying married.

If a husband does not 'obey the word' and doesn't love his wife as much as Christ loves the church, that doesn't mean the woman has a right to divorce him. I Peter 3 tells wives what to do toward husbands who do not obey the word, in the hopes of winning them, and it implies that they stay married.

If a woman does leave her husband over verbal abuse, she has no right to adulterously remarry. If she's already left, she should remain celibate or reconcile.

David was subject to king Saul, but he did flee to save his life. I doubt he would have fled for years and years over verbal abuse. I would be surprised if he did not suffer some verbal abuse, in addition to spears being hurled at him.

If your husband has some mental problems, he needs a patient loving wife who loves him in spite of his illness. If he has some anger issues, he needs a patient loving wife to love him and help him deal with it. He needs the Lord to heal him either way.

 

[Camalinda]

I don't believe I stated ANYWHERE in ANY of my posts that one should divorce one's spouse for mental illness or nasty words.

What I AM stating is that this husband, from what is described, sounds dangerous and that separation UNTIL absolute safety can be assured is paramount and reasonable. I don't believe this equates divorcing one's spouse "For the heck of it" as you seem to want to be ascribing to some of the posters (myself included, I am sure) here, Link.

I also do not believe that I have diagnosed anyone with any sort of disorder of any type. Saying something "sounds" or "seems" like 'x,y,z' does not equal a diagnosis or false delusions of being a psychologist or psychiatrist. It simply means, to the observer, this is what it sounds like...

At any rate, I stand by my first advice. STAY AWAY until he is stable. This means NOT flipping over tables, screaming at you or your child, telling you that you are stupid or over-reactive. Staying away does not equal 'divorce', for those of you who are bent on making sure the poor woman does her duty by standing by her man. Separating for a time to get the help needed, make sure everyone is stable, making sure it is absolutely safe to go back, does not, again equal DIVORCE. Which quickly seems to be becoming the unpardonable sin on this forum.

I just cannot IMAGINE encouraging a woman to go back into a house that is physically unsafe. This husband- from what is described in the OP's posts- is physically aggressive. Flipping over tables is NOT normal, OK, safe or (gasp!) loving behavior unless you happen to be the sinless Son of God in a Temple.

 

[SharonL]

I watched my beautiful daughter live under mental abuse for 11 years. I watched as he sucked the very life out of her by his actions and words. I would NEVER recomment anyone go back to that abuse. The Bible does say abuse is the right for divorce - it does not say physical or mental - just abuse. If anyone has ever lived under that they would never say go back to it.

Make sure before you move back - if you move back without it being solved - the next time you leave will have no meaning to him. I would suggest dating - my daughter went to dating her ex for awhile and you can see things very plainly if you know you don't have to live under it. She saw very quickly that he had not changed and did not go back to him.

Don't weaken in standing up to him - let him know in no uncertain terms that you will not live like that - if you do go back and he does it again - take your son and immediately get an order to keep him away from you.

This is not a situation for letting feelings determine the outcome - you have yourself and your son to protect. I'm not saying to split permanently - but to let him know you mean business and don't jump off and go back without some form of proof that you can see it will change. You are hurting right now, but you will hurt more if you go back and it is the same, it usually gets worse the second time, so make sure he is trying to change.

Don't listen to those saying God hates divorce and force you to stay with him - God does not want you to live in misery - the Bible says it is better for a man to live on a rooftop alone than with a nagging woman - it also means women should not live in it either.

Praying for you.

 

[LinkH]

I don't believe I stated ANYWHERE in ANY of my posts that one should divorce one's spouse for mental illness or nasty words.

What I AM stating is that this husband, from what is described, sounds dangerous and that separation UNTIL absolute safety can be assured is paramount and reasonable. I don't believe this equates divorcing one's spouse "For the heck of it" as you seem to want to be ascribing to some of the posters (myself included, I am sure) here, Link.

I didn't quote anyone for a reason. I was commenting on the general direction the thread is going on. My post was not meant to be a personal attack on you.

I just cannot IMAGINE encouraging a woman to go back into a house that is physically unsafe. This husband- from what is described in the OP's posts- is physically aggressive. Flipping over tables is NOT normal, OK, safe or (gasp!) loving behavior unless you happen to be the sinless Son of God in a Temple.

I've seen people who throw plates and break them when they get really angry, fortunately not my wife or anyone in my immediate family. It's certainly not a good thing. I'd agree with you that flipping over tables is not safe behavior. But if it's a one-off thing, especially if its not intentional, you can't say someone is unsafe to be around.

 

[LinkH]

The Bible does say abuse is the right for divorce - it does not say physical or mental - just abuse. If anyone has ever lived under that they would never say go back to it.

I don't have an apocrapha in the Bible I use. But in your standard Protestant Bible's, I can't find anything about divorcing for abuse. Do you have a particular chapter and verse in mind, or did you get the idea that the Bible allows for divorce in response to abuse from someone else?

Jesus said that if a man divorce his wife, except it be for fornication, he commits adultery. And He that marries her that is divorced commits adultery. Paul says that he said-- not the Lord-- that if the unbelieving depart, let him depart, that the believer is not under bondage in such cases. That's all I am aware of as far as the New Testament goes for exceptions for divorce.

The rest of the reasons are derived from theological arguments rather than direct statements of scripture, either that or certain portions of the Old Testament. I can't find anything about divorce as it relates to abuse in the Old Testament unless it relates to depriving a wife of food, clothing, or sex.

I'm not justifying men smacking their wives around or anything. I do notice that the word 'abuse' is very stigmatized and brings up pictures in one's mind of bruised faces of women and children. But it is being used not to refer to 'verbal abuse.' If a man tells his wife she looks fat, he could get stuck with the same label as a man who breaks the bones of small children.

 

[BlueJay83]

I know I maybe coming off blunt, but seriously you are doing the right thing by moving out on him. Its showing him that you are not going to take his wrong behavior lightly and it also shows that you are going to stand up for yourself. I would advise to fight for your marriage like I did, so you can walk away with a clean conscience with God if saving your marriage doesn't pan out.

agreed.

Speaking also as someone who was emotionally abused.. you're doing he right thing. Don't put up with it. It is VERY reasonable to expect change before you forgive. God only forgives us when we repent of our sin. He should change first before you "give in" in any way.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

I don't believe I stated ANYWHERE in ANY of my posts that one should divorce one's spouse for mental illness or nasty words.

What I AM stating is that this husband, from what is described, sounds dangerous and that separation UNTIL absolute safety can be assured is paramount and reasonable. I don't believe this equates divorcing one's spouse "For the heck of it" as you seem to want to be ascribing to some of the posters (myself included, I am sure) here, Link.

I also do not believe that I have diagnosed anyone with any sort of disorder of any type. Saying something "sounds" or "seems" like 'x,y,z' does not equal a diagnosis or false delusions of being a psychologist or psychiatrist. It simply means, to the observer, this is what it sounds like...

At any rate, I stand by my first advice. STAY AWAY until he is stable. This means NOT flipping over tables, screaming at you or your child, telling you that you are stupid or over-reactive. Staying away does not equal 'divorce', for those of you who are bent on making sure the poor woman does her duty by standing by her man. Separating for a time to get the help needed, make sure everyone is stable, making sure it is absolutely safe to go back, does not, again equal DIVORCE. Which quickly seems to be becoming the unpardonable sin on this forum.

I just cannot IMAGINE encouraging a woman to go back into a house that is physically unsafe. This husband- from what is described in the OP's posts- is physically aggressive. Flipping over tables is NOT normal, OK, safe or (gasp!) loving behavior unless you happen to be the sinless Son of God in a Temple.

Amen!!! I completely agree!

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

I watched my beautiful daughter live under mental abuse for 11 years. I watched as he sucked the very life out of her by his actions and words. I would NEVER recomment anyone go back to that abuse. The Bible does say abuse is the right for divorce - it does not say physical or mental - just abuse. If anyone has ever lived under that they would never say go back to it.

Make sure before you move back - if you move back without it being solved - the next time you leave will have no meaning to him. I would suggest dating - my daughter went to dating her ex for awhile and you can see things very plainly if you know you don't have to live under it. She saw very quickly that he had not changed and did not go back to him.

Don't weaken in standing up to him - let him know in no uncertain terms that you will not live like that - if you do go back and he does it again - take your son and immediately get an order to keep him away from you.

This is not a situation for letting feelings determine the outcome - you have yourself and your son to protect. I'm not saying to split permanently - but to let him know you mean business and don't jump off and go back without some form of proof that you can see it will change. You are hurting right now, but you will hurt more if you go back and it is the same, it usually gets worse the second time, so make sure he is trying to change.

Don't listen to those saying God hates divorce and force you to stay with him - God does not want you to live in misery - the Bible says it is better for a man to live on a rooftop alone than with a nagging woman - it also means women should not live in it either.

Praying for you.

Amen!!!! I agree with this too!

 

[Chaplain David]

I have been with my husband for nearly five years, we got married last may. we have a three year old son together and he has a 13 yr old son with someone else. Well just to get to the point, our relationship has been him telling me what i am doing wrong all the time. in the beginning i figured he was right because i was young and inexperienced in life. it has become what i believe to be abuse. He constantly puts me down, belittles me, makes me feel like im not good enough, i am always wrong, he is the only thing keeping our relationship afloat. he has never hit me but there is a lot of yelling, even infront of our son. the other day he flipped the little table i was sitting at. The last few months he has really been deep into end times prophecy and prophecy in the news. we have basically shut ourselfs off and we had to sell abunch of stuff to pay the bills. I left with our son the other day after he flipped the table and was sreaming at me. he is being all nice now and it makes me think second thoughts. im at my sisters and he came by to ask if he could take our son with him to spend time together, i agreed. now he is trying to use him to get me to come home. telling me i am being immature and not a responsible christian mother and that i am keeping our family apart when we should be together because the rapture is soon. he says i am only thinking of myself and on and on about how stupid i am. i am very torn being a christian woman. i know if i go back it will be just the same stuff but part of me thinks i am making a bad decision. i wish i had all the answers. any advice?

As someone who was quite a jerk for a while due to alcohol abuse I can definitely understand both how your husband is acting and your reactions to it. But we also worked through it and just celebrated our 39th and have a fantastic marriage.

However you need specialized help IMP. Get a counselor, talk with your pastor, and consult your local city/county legal aid people. Then follow their advice. Of course don't leave prayer out of the mix.

That's the best we can do. It's like going to the doctor. We don't know how to handle something that is going on and can't seem to stop it on our own so we go for expert help in the matter. Naturally our own will plays a large will in the situation but please, get help as soon as possible.

God bless all of you.

 

[vcs]

Praying for you sis. I agree with much of the advice here that you need to be away from him for now. Praying you and your son remain safe and that God will intervene in your situation. God bless you...hugs.

 

[dovespirit]

help im in the same situation my husband belittles me puts me down i can never do anything right ;told me no other man would ever want me ; we are married 32 yrs i no longer love him im bi polar he threatens to put me away i was mentally abused sexually abused by my dad he beat me at age 12 n up and then when my husband met me i was 16 he was 21 we got married he was an alcholic n beat me put me down hes no longer an alcholc but drinks sometimes i go to a counselor she told its not good to be around him she put me down on the hud apt list i cant wait ;he has my 16 yr old daughter putting me down too ; i just dont love him anymore he shows no affection or love to me ;is it a sin to leave or to find someone else to love me ? i dont want GOD TO HATE ME i no longer go to church he puts me down for that ;and helping others i have depression ptsd too im on meds ive felt so down lately