Venting!

[c1ners]

I sit and stare at the wall with silent tears slowly falling down my face. I've learned to keep the sobs inside, and not complain, because all I get is "I don't understand why you're so upset, it was YOU who sent her away to begin with!"

Just for the record, I DID NOT WANT TO SEND HER AWAY! Sending her away was the last thing I wanted to do! And it definetly was NOT my choice to have her live with HIS (as in my husband's) daughter!

I love my baby girl, and my heart has been slowly breaking with each and everyday that she has been away from me. It's her 16th birthday this Thursday. For the past four months I've been planning on her coming home the weekend after her birthday. I was planning a surprise birthday party for her. I was going to take her to the beach. We were going to watch all the episodes of The Gilmore Girls that she has missed. I was going to have my daughter to myself for a whole blissful week! I was overjoyed with happiness.

But is it going to happen? NOPE! Hubby said we couldn't afford it. His daughter told my baby that even if we could afford a plane ticket, she wasn't taking her to the airport. Instead she's planned her a HUGE party. The likes of which I could never afford. She's promised to do something with my daughter every day of Spring Break. More than just taking her to the beach and spending quality time with her. NO with them it's all about money. High class restaurants, expensive designer clothes. Social status. All materilistic things. But yet everything a 16 year old would love. Why would she want to come home when she can get everything she wants there?

It hurts. It hurts more than I can put into words, but nobody seems to care.

So I sit staring at the wall while silent tears slowly fall down my face.

 

[gengwall]

I feel for you my friend - I know how much you wanted this to happen. I also know that you made the only decision possible under the circumstances when you sent her away and that even in hindsight, it appears to have been the right choice. So although it hurts, know that you love your daughter deeply and that is ALL that matters. I also am convinced that she loves you.

Had life dealt another hand, you might have had her home. But who knows what other pain might have come under different circumstances. You can't second guess your decisions and even if they don't go as planned, know that God cares and wants your heart to be whole. I truly believe this will work out in the end and you will see how powerfully the hand of God has moved over the whole situation. It hurts to wait on God sometimes, but we are called to wait none the less.

You are in the thoughts and prayers of many of us all the time. You have an extended family out here who does deeply care. I just want you to know that.

 

[GoNoles]

I probably missed this somewhere, though I have read the story and the situation behind the story... still, I'm wondering, what's keeping you from bringing her home now? Are you still planning for her to come home permanantly after the school year ends?

Can I say something that I'm thinking? I'm not at all trying to be offensive or accusatory or anything like that... I think you know that about me already. Is she not getting into any trouble living where she's living now? Who is teaching her the morality and the right-vs-wrong of your beliefs?

 

[icbeckyc]

I am so sorry you won't have your baby for her birthday. Sounds like you planned a wonderful time. Don't forget you had her go live with family to keep her safe, and so far she is. It will all work out in the end, I know it will. You are a wonderful mother for caring so much.

Continued prayers for you and your daughter.

 

[c1ners]

I probably missed this somewhere, though I have read the story and the situation behind the story... still, I'm wondering, what's keeping you from bringing her home now? Are you still planning for her to come home permanantly after the school year ends?

Can I say something that I'm thinking? I'm not at all trying to be offensive or accusatory or anything like that... I think you know that about me already. Is she not getting into any trouble living where she's living now? Who is teaching her the morality and the right-vs-wrong of your beliefs?

I am so sorry you won't have your baby for her birthday. Sounds like you planned a wonderful time. Don't forget you had her go live with family to keep her safe, and so far she is. It will all work out in the end, I know it will. You are a wonderful mother for caring so much.

Continued prayers for you and your daughter.

I'll answer both of you at the same time, okay?

No, she hasn't gotten into any trouble since she's been gone. Besides the normal teenage stuff. It does seem she gets grounded at least once a month, but that's a good thing. It lets me know that she is being taken care of.

I understand the fact that it was me who sent her away. And I know that I can't be totally negative towards her sisters. They are doing a good job, but there are also so many things that concern me.

One is how my step daughter talks about her when she is on the phone with my husband. Everything is negative. Things like she is lazy, unsocial, not the brightest person in the world, ect ect. I don't really think my step daughter is meaning to belittle my daughter. She is trying to turn it around so that I look bad. I brought her up to be lazy, unsocial, and stupid. But not all of the above are true. She is not lazy. She is a normal teenager, and if given the chance to sleep until noon she will. But she also has her chores, and she does them without too much of a fuss. Sure, when told to do the dishes while she's on the phone, she'll say "in a minute", but isn't that normal? She gets it done. She also cleans their house, and baby sits her three kids at least three times a week. She also goes to the hair salon after school and helps out there by answering phones, and cleaning up. She is not lazy.

Now onto the social thing. Yes, it is my fault that she is non social. I am non social. She got that from me. But everyone in the world is different, and just because she is not the most outgoing kid in the world doesn't mean she is bad. But since being there, she has become more social. They make her be social. They used to threaten to ground her if she didn't go up to the cheerleaders and start a conversation. Has this been a good thing or a bad thing? I guess it's all in the way you look at it. I don't believe in pressuring someone to be something that their not. However, she does seem to be more happier with the fact that she has more friends. Not only does she have more friends, but now she is in with the elite group. IMO, I would rather have no friends then have back stabbing friends who only care about how popular they are. But hey, that's just me.

And she is not stupid. She made a "D" on her report card the second semester, but that doesn't make her stupid. All "A's" and one "D" does not make one stupid. It really makes me angry that they call her stupid. This coming from two girls that almost failed High School. It's sort of like they are trying to put her down to make themselves look good. They tell her that she doesn't know how to dress, how to put on makeup properly, how to do her hair. My daughter is beautiful without makeup. She is beautiful without all those expensive hootchie clothes they have her wear. And I love her hair. But yet they've straightened it and made it out to seem like it was her idea.

But those are just the little things. Some can look at those things and say that's it's not so bad. That my daughter is growing because of this. Fine. I some what agree, but I also believe that her being a mini me of my step daughter will only cause her more grief in the long run. She needs to be herself. She needs to learn to think for herself, not have someone else think for her.

Now I'll go onto the deeper issues. Since I sent her away I have not had one single visit with her that hasn't been chaperoned. When she was home for a couple days during Labor Day, they barracked the front door so she couldn't sneak out. They brought alarms to put on the windows so that we could hear it if she opened a bedroom window. How do you think that made her feel?She was a prisioner in her own home. And they made it out to be all my doing so that she would me angry at me for it.

When we went to visit her in October we only had a couple days. So what did my step daughter do? She planned a halloween party for the night we were coming in, and had my daughter invite several friends over. So I didn't get to see her that night. The next morning my step daughter refused to bring her over, and my husband refused to go get her until after church was over. We left Monday morning. I got to see my daughter for less than 24 hours.

The next time we came up was for Christmas. I had planned to take my daughter shopping early Christmas Eve to get her some gifts. But of course, my lovely step daughter had other plans. She planned HER family get together to be on that morning. Of course she let us know that my daughter is HER family now, so she had to be included. Then we were given a list of things she wanted us to buy for her children. We had already bought them gifts, but they weren't good enough, so we were given a different list. Not only that, but the children were told they got to go with us. Okay, three children, two adults, where does that leave my daughter? She had to stay home. I didn't go there to spend all my time with my step daughters children. I went to be with MY daughter, but my step daughters' manipultive plans ruined it once again. I was overjoyed that they were leaving Christmas morning to go on a five day cruise, but then my other step daughter took over. No matter what I had planned, they had something different planned. Do you think my husband would stick up for me, and tell them "no", of course not. So once again, out of five days of being there, I might have spent maybe two days with my baby. The one full (almost full) day I had with her was wonderful. We went hiking. We laughed, we talked, we played. She was actually happy, but then later that evening my step daughter came over to get her so that she could help her out with her wedding plans. Once again my daughter came back refusing to talk to me.

So to answer your questions: Yes, they are doing wonderful things with her. She is more social. She is more beautiful. She has all the best clothing, and all the best toys. She also has two role models instead of just one. But with each day that she is gone, she loves and respects me less and less. To them a parent is just someone who gives birth to a child. A parent isn't someone to be respected. And definetly a parent can not be your friend. I was once my daughters friend. But now she barely even talks to me. She once had a caring, loving heart, and wouldn't talk bad about people. Now I hear all about how "stupid" other people are. She once had a love for God. She believed in healings, and speaking in tongues. She herself would speak in tongues. Now it's a bunch of bull. She does go to youth group, but it's more of a social thing then a learning thing. It's for her to have fun and be around other elite Christian families, but it's not to learn about God. It's not to teach her the love of families, and the importance in life, but yet to teach her how to dress proplerly, and act like a young lady. A young southern lady.

And now it's her birthday. I've been planning this for months. They all knew it. But when the time came to buy her a plane ticket my husband claimed we didn't have the money. My oldest daughter was going to buy it for me, but I was told that even if I did get her a ticket that no one would take her to the airport. Instead they've planned their own party. I'm sure it'll be huge. They can't do anything less than perfect. What I had planned for her doesn't even compare to what they're doing. It's not that I'm jealous. It's just that I don't want my daughter growing up thinking that materilistic things are what's important in life. I don't want her growing up thinking that friends are more important than family. I don't want her growing up thinking that God is not everything that he is. That is only an entity for her to think about when she needs something.

No, they're not raising her bad, but they aren't raising her good either. And turning her against the one person who loves her with all their heart is wrong. That's just wrong, and I can't accept it. I can't.

 

[icbeckyc]

I do have one question for you. Why won't your husband help you bring your daughter back. Seems like even if his daughter says she should stay, he should understand that you are the girls mother and you get the final say in this.

 

[c1ners]

I do have one question for you. Why won't your husband help you bring your daughter back. Seems like even if his daughter says she should stay, he should understand that you are the girls mother and you get the final say in this.

I don't know, and that's what hurts me most of all. He went out and bought a pool table this past weekend. After telling me that we didn't have enough money for a plane ticket, he bought a pool table. I don't understand! He just doesn't care, that's all. He was never there for his oldest daughter's, so why should he be here for his youngest? To tell the truth, IMO, that's her mine problem. I've tried to be both mom and dad, while he's gone off hunting, and to his pool tournaments, and out with his buddies. He very seldom ever sat down with her and just talked. Once in a while he would ask her about her day, but when she'd go to answer he would turn up the tv or pick up the phone to call someone. He'd never hear a single word she was saying.

If I can get her home this summer, I'm going to sit her down and have her tell US what she needs from the BOTH of us. Maybe coming from her he'll open his eyes and see that it's not just me trying to cause trouble. That's what he always says when I try to get him to see why things aren't the way they should be. I understand that I am not a perfect mom. I will take any critism I have to endure in order to get her back, but it can't be just me. I can't be the one who has to make all the changes. HE has to put forth some effort. If not, it won't work. And that's what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of him not standing beside me and making her come home, and I'm afraid of him ignoring her and everything going back to the way it used to be. I'm ready to make changes. I want to be a better mom. If I have to start going out and making female friends, then that's what I'll do. But I need support, and she's going to need support. I'm just afraid that neither of us are gong to get it from him.

 

[GoNoles]

maybe I'm naive, but why have her tell you what she needs? She's still a child and not able to make her own ADULT informed decisions. You know far more about life than she does, so you should be making the decision, IMO. If your husband is a bad role-model for her AND is totally unhelpful as a parent, then there is a huge problem and BIG red flag. I hate to think of you giving-up your role as her mother and just sitting-by wringing your hands and saddened by what's going-on wherever she is. Good clothes and popularity doesn't make a good parent. Those things won't help her become a more responsible adult and it sounds to me like the people she's living with now aren't training her to be closer to Christ OR to be a good mother herself someday.

I feel so strongly about this because I have a son who is almost 13, but very mature for his age. Still, I can't see myself sending him away for so long and losing the opportunities to impart teaching into his life.

 

[c1ners]

maybe I'm naive, but why have her tell you what she needs? She's still a child and not able to make her own ADULT informed decisions. You know far more about life than she does, so you should be making the decision, IMO. If your husband is a bad role-model for her AND is totally unhelpful as a parent, then there is a huge problem and BIG red flag. I hate to think of you giving-up your role as her mother and just sitting-by wringing your hands and saddened by what's going-on wherever she is. Good clothes and popularity doesn't make a good parent. Those things won't help her become a more responsible adult and it sounds to me like the people she's living with now aren't training her to be closer to Christ OR to be a good mother herself someday.

I feel so strongly about this because I have a son who is almost 13, but very mature for his age. Still, I can't see myself sending him away for so long and losing the opportunities to impart teaching into his life.

So what do you suggest? Should I get her and run away? Trust me, I've thought of that. I thought about taking her to my first set of inlaws, and just never coming back. But that wouldn't be right either. And believe me, I have tried to get her back, but everyone tells me that it was me that sent her away, and I just can't change my mind right in the middle. We agreed to the school year, and that's what it's got to be. But after that, she will come home. I'll do anything I have to do in order to make that happen. I know they're already planning against me. But she's MY daughter, not theirs, and I will get her. Somehow, some way, I will get her back home.

But can you give me some suggestions on how? When everyone in this world seems to be against me, how can I get her back? When my own husband doesn't care, what can I do?

I forgot to answer your question!
Why do I want for her to tell us what she wants? I want to be able to understand her. To know why she has done the things that she has done. What we could have done differently in order to keep her here. In no way shape or form will I be allowing her to control the situation. Just to point out her view of things. The way she feels. I, in return, will also state the way I feel. And I can only hope and pray that she will be bluntly honest with her dad and tell him that he's really never been much a father figure. That's really what I'm hoping for.

 

[GoNoles]

So what do you suggest? Should I get her and run away? Trust me, I've thought of that. I thought about taking her to my first set of inlaws, and just never coming back. But that wouldn't be right either.

"Right" in whose eyes? You sent her to live somewhere else because YOU felt it was right - and I know your reasoning was to get her away from the bad influences where you live, but - to me (an outsider reading your posts) - it seems like this is taking a tremendous toll on you AND it seems that, while - yes, she is away from the negative influences in your area - she has some other negative influences that could be doing just as much harm.

And believe me, I have tried to get her back, but everyone tells me that it was me that sent her away, and I just can't change my mind right in the middle. We agreed to the school year, and that's what it's got to be.

Of course you can change right in the middle... you're the mother.

But after that, she will come home. I'll do anything I have to do in order to make that happen. I know they're already planning against me. But she's MY daughter, not theirs, and I will get her. Somehow, some way, I will get her back home.

But can you give me some suggestions on how? When everyone in this world seems to be against me, how can I get her back? When my own husband doesn't care, what can I do?

Blended families are difficult - and thank God, I don't have to deal with that type of situation. I've always thought that a parent should teach the step-kids to respect the new spousal relationship and that they shouldn't expect to be chosen over the spouse only because they are the children. HOWEVER, it seems to me like you're choosing your husband over her with this.

He says you don't have the money to fly her home, but he goes-out and buys a pooltable? What type of marriage is that? Why does he see no value in respecting YOU and helping with the things that are hurting you??? He's an adult, so he's not your responsibility (and you wouldn't be able to change him anyway), but your child... she needs you. So, even if you need to start socking-away $20 here and $50 there, you need to find a way to do what you feel you should do.

I'm not an expert, but that's my opinion.

I forgot to answer your question!
Why do I want for her to tell us what she wants? I want to be able to understand her. To know why she has done the things that she has done. What we could have done differently in order to keep her here. In no way shape or form will I be allowing her to control the situation. Just to point out her view of things. The way she feels. I, in return, will also state the way I feel. And I can only hope and pray that she will be bluntly honest with her dad and tell him that he's really never been much a father figure. That's really what I'm hoping for.

I agree with having an open dialogue with your kids, but the decisions they get to make and the responsibility to make certain decisions (or help make them) should be based on the level of responsibility they've shown. Was just asking for clarification, that was all.

 

[c1ners]

Blended families are difficult - and thank God, I don't have to deal with that type of situation. I've always thought that a parent should teach the step-kids to respect the new spousal relationship and that they shouldn't expect to be chosen over the spouse only because they are the children. HOWEVER, it seems to me like you're choosing your husband over her with this.[/B]

I don't understand what you mean in the paragraph above. My husband is not my daughter's step father. She was born from both of us. But if I get you right, I think you're suggesting what is always in the back of my mind anyhow. And that would be running away to New York!

But there is one thing that I still don't think you're getting. I was the one who wanted to send her away in order to get her away from these negative influences around our house, and in her school. However, I wanted to send her to my mom who lives half an hour away. Or maybe my sister who lives an hour and a half away. I did not want to send her 600 miles away to have her stay with people that have always hated me. That was my husbands decision. I tried my best to have her stay with his mom. She's a real Christian. With real Christian beliefs. But I did not want for her to stay with my step children. Not to sound like a whiney little baby, but I don't get my way. Maybe I should've suggested her staying with them. Maybe then he would have made her stay with his mom.

 

[GoNoles]

ok - I guess I was a little confused about "who" was who and all that. I knew that you had been the one to suggest her going to live somewhere else and that it was a terribly difficult decision (as any parent can imagine). I was confused about your husband not being her step-father, though. So why doesn't he seem concerned about her? Or does he think this is the best situation? Is your daughter staying with HIS ex, then?

 

[c1ners]

ok - I guess I was a little confused about "who" was who and all that. I knew that you had been the one to suggest her going to live somewhere else and that it was a terribly difficult decision (as any parent can imagine). I was confused about your husband not being her step-father, though. So why doesn't he seem concerned about her? Or does he think this is the best situation? Is your daughter staying with HIS ex, then?

LOL! No, my daughter is staying with his grown daughter! It's okay. It's a pretty confusing situation!

 

[GoNoles]

so, how did that come to be again? You wanted her with your mother only 30 minutes away or with your sister 90 minutes away... did he feel that wasn't far enough?

doesn't your husband miss her at all? doesn't he want to see her and be with her?

have you talked with him about how you feel like everyone else is manipulating the situation and conspiring to keep you from her?

 

[c1ners]

so, how did that come to be again? You wanted her with your mother only 30 minutes away or with your sister 90 minutes away... did he feel that wasn't far enough?

doesn't your husband miss her at all? doesn't he want to see her and be with her?

have you talked with him about how you feel like everyone else is manipulating the situation and conspiring to keep you from her?

I have talked until I'm blue in the face. He thinks his children are the best ones to take care of her. Does he miss her? I don't know. I would hope so, but 90% of the time when she calls he'll get up and leave the room. That's my cue that he doesn't want to talk to her, and not to give him the phone. I've made that mistake before and got chewed out for it.

 

[GoNoles]

wow... I wish I knew the "right" advice to give you. I know how I feel and what I'd do, but I have just a few of the facts... and the consequences I might be willing to face aren't necessarily the same for you.

Honestly, though, I don't see how his children are better equipped than their own mother! She's been gone for - what? 6-8 months, right? Your plan is for her to finish the school year then come back home in May?

 

[c1ners]

wow... I wish I knew the "right" advice to give you. I know how I feel and what I'd do, but I have just a few of the facts... and the consequences I might be willing to face aren't necessarily the same for you.

Honestly, though, I don't see how his children are better equipped than their own mother! She's been gone for - what? 6-8 months, right? Your plan is for her to finish the school year then come back home in May?

June. My plan is for her to come back in June. My oldest daughter is going to go pick her up. She doesn't know it's for good yet. I'll deal with that one once I get her home.

 

[c1ners]

I just wanted to share the conversation that I had with my husband tonight. It was strange, and it gave me a little hope.

We bowl on Friday nights, but this weekend he's going out of town with a bunch of his friends to the races, so we have to bowl a different night. His friend called and wanted to bowl tonight, but my husband has his pool league every Tuesday night, so he said he couldn't. He went on to tell him that my back was out (which it is) and I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, so we'll have to bowl Thursday night. Well, it's my duaghters birthday Thursday, and I really didn't want to bowl. So when he got off the phone I reminded him of the day. He refused to look at me, and he was really trying hard to hold back a smile. Then he told me that we would just have to sing Happy Birthday to her. He didn't say we would have to call her and sing happy birthday. I just sat there for a couple minutes staring at him, but he still wouldn't look at me. So I asked him if I should buy her a cake. His response was: "Don't be silly, you know she doesn't like cake." He didn't say "don't be silly, you know she isn't going to be home, he said she doesn't like cake. Could it be possible that she's coming home and they're surprising me? That would be so wonderful! Oh my gosh, I'm in tears just thinking about it! I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but that really would be an answered prayer. Not only for her to come home (it would just be for the week), but also to know that he cares enough to plan it, and to surprise me with it. That would just be the most wonderful thing he has ever done, and if he does this I will personally take back every bad thing I have ever said about him.

Please pray that she comes home. I really need my baby. I really really need to just hug her and to know that she doesn't hate me. Oh please Lord let it be true! Please let it be true!

 

[Romanseight2005]

Oh Ciners! That would be wonderful, but if it doesn't happen, how will you feel? Please pray that the Lord will give you strength for what ever happens. But like you said, anything your husband plans that includes being thoughtful of you or your daughter will be wonderful, won't it?

 

[c1ners]

Oh Ciners! That would be wonderful, but if it doesn't happen, how will you feel? Please pray that the Lord will give you strength for what ever happens. But like you said, anything your husband plans that includes being thoughtful of you or your daughter will be wonderful, won't it?

Dear Heavenly Father you and you alone know just how much I miss my baby. I put it in your hands Lord. You know how much I want for her to come home, but if it's not in your will, I pray that you put a peace in my heart to accept it. And to not be too overly devastated. In Jesus Most Holy and Precious Name I pray. Amen!