Venting some frustration

[Annessa3]

hey folks.

Married 16 years. Hub told me in March he wanted a divorce. Our past in a nutshell: he has taken us to the brink of bankruptcy x3. He has been adulterous x1. He has become an alcoholic. It is easier for him to lie than to tell the truth, always.

I'm not gonna paint myself a saint. I tolerated, forgave, kept a peaceful house and have never thrown these things up in his face. I have been supportive emotionally and financially. I have also been unfulfilled sexually for years, despite talking and counseling. I went on anti-depressants back in 1999. I kept my vows. I have treated him with love and respect.

Now, I have accepted the divorce he wants. But here's what I see, and where my frustration lies- it's easier for him(and yes, he will always take the easier road) to stay than to make the move he says he wants. And so he stays up late, internet chatting with I-don't-care who.

Despite our agreement on the timing of actions such as filing, listing the house for sale, etc, he is dragging his feet and being totally passive.

OK, now I have accepted this, and am ready to move ahead. It looks like I will have to do all the tasks involved, like filing, etc, because he just will not follow through on what he said he wants.

My promise to God and myself is that I will go through this with honor and dignity, equitably. I have to remind myself of that promise at least once a day because the longer he stalls and drags, the more I want to just MOVE FORWARD and let the chips fall.

I can't sell the house until he gets his [unpleasantwords] stuff out. Other than putting it out on the lawn.... which would be unkind, and still involve me doing all the work..... how do I light a fire under his nether parts?

Do I really have to be unpleasant about this to get him to GO?

 

[seeingeyes]

I can't sell the house until he gets his [unpleasantwords] stuff out. Other than putting it out on the lawn.... which would be unkind, and still involve me doing all the work..... how do I light a fire under his nether parts?

Do I really have to be unpleasant about this to get him to GO?

Don't confuse 'firm' with 'unpleasant'. Tell him that you will be putting the house up for sale on x date (give a sufficient amount of time). Tell him that any of his stuff that is left in the house on x date will be boxed up and delivered to him by a moving company, and he will be sent the bill.

Then do it exactly as you said you would if he doesn't move his stuff.

 

[LottyH]

Annessa3, I must say you are one courageous, amazing woman that deserves so much better than what you've described. Although its not fair that you will have to do all the work to move this man out of your life, it will be worth it.

Maybe I've watched Judge Judy too much, but do you have a divorce lawyer or any other legal services that can advise you? Not only do you want to avoid being unkind it can be messy if you do something with his property and then he later takes you to court for damaged/lost property etc. Also maybe the estate agent selling the house can advise you as I'm sure they would have had cases like this.

I pray for you, that God will give you wisdom and the strength to make the right decisions and all unpleasantness can be avoided. I also pray that your husband will take some action and find in himself the will to move out.

 

[Annessa3]

thanks. SeeingEyes, no one will do what you described for free and then wait for him to pay them. At this juncture, I cannot afford to have someone do this. I am living paycheck to paycheck, and will be working until I die. His spendthrift ways have emptied every bit of security I had ever set aside. I just received an IRS notice that we underreported $10K... oh yes, in 2011, he had cashed out a 401K. Never told me. Kept the mailed tax statement from me. Yes, him settling the IRS debt will be part of the divorce decree.

Lotty, you're right. I will have to ante up and borrow money to see a lawyer about all this. We had planned to share a lawyer/costs for an amicable divorce, but I see that I have to go ahead and do it.

God thinks I am one strong woman. Lucky for me, it's His strength I'm leaning on.

 

[seeingeyes]

thanks. SeeingEyes, no one will do what you described for free and then wait for him to pay them. At this juncture, I cannot afford to have someone do this. I am living paycheck to paycheck, and will be working until I die. His spendthrift ways have emptied every bit of security I had ever set aside. I just received an IRS notice that we underreported $10K... oh yes, in 2011, he had cashed out a 401K. Never told me. Kept the mailed tax statement from me. Yes, him settling the IRS debt will be part of the divorce decree.

Lotty, you're right. I will have to ante up and borrow money to see a lawyer about all this. We had planned to share a lawyer/costs for an amicable divorce, but I see that I have to go ahead and do it.

God thinks I am one strong woman. Lucky for me, it's His strength I'm leaning on.

Hmm. What about selling the house with all the stuff included?

Talking to a lawyer is a good idea. He/she would know all the legal/financial issues surrounding this and be able to help you make informed decisions.

 

[Dani K]

I have a feeling that you have not been direct enough. He is on the PC late night chatting, and dragging his feet. Shock always works well. Remove the router or the Pc. Let him know you rented a 5x5 at the local storage facility and he will find out which locker his computer is in when he gets his other stuff boxed up to move there. The cost will only be under fifty dollars to do this. Here, they are 25.00 per month.

You are in charge of how this goes now. YOU are in control. He is no longer your other half, so keep that in mind. Us women have a had time letting go of roles... once you do that things will become easier

Best wishes, and I have a feeling someday he will be sorry he let this happen because you seem to be a good person.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

That, my dear, is why they have lawyers. If it's an issue of cost, most will do consults from anywhere from 1 to 5 hours, for free, no obligation. Some states even have state agency numbers to call where they match you with a lawyer for free or no-cost. Most of them are either doing community service work or are new and trying to build a practice, but regardless, they're still lawyers. The whole right to a lawyer thing doesn't apply to just criminal court, so feel free to exercise your rights.

When you get your lawyer, ask them if there's benefit in being one to file or initiate these sort of divorce-necessary asset divisions and sales. In many states, there is, especially if the partner is deliberately obstructing the process.

I understand and totally respect you want to keep it civil. It's admirable, it truly is. That all being said, one can be civil while still asserting their rights and, frankly, I think his deliberate obstruction is his sign that he has no intents to be civil. In which case, any lack of civility... That's on him. Being civil doesn't mean stamping "welcome" on your forehead and laying in front of somebody's door.

Plus, you'd be surprised, even the whiff of a lawyer really inspires action in a lot of people.

In the end, get the lawyer, see what they say. At that point, either your ex will jump on board and the process will roll forward, as you want, or it won't, at which case you may recieve a landfall from his inaction and still end up rolling forward, as you want. Even if he gets nasty, the fact you lawyered up first and got the ball rolling means you're already protected in a way that he isn't... And it's much, much better then hearing he beat the inertia factor, but "forgot" to tell you, and the first you knew of it was when his lawyer showed up with an order telling you that you have to get out and he's not selling, as you agreed.

In the end, neither action is the good one or the bad one, the right one or the wrong one, the civil one or the mean one... It's just the divorce process. You can get through it with dignity, yes, even if you grab a lawyer and compel your soon-to-be-ex to be something other then a doorstop. It just depends on what you want, if you're happy coasting as things are for an indefinite amount of time, or if you're willing to do the work so that you can finally be in control of a situation that you've been unable to control before. It's up to you and what you want to do when you're ready.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, go to a lawyer and get the terms as you want them and then have him sign.

Maybe cancel the cable and internet ... your busy with all your doing, you don't need to provide him with entertainment.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Ya, go to a lawyer and get the terms as you want them and then have him sign.

Maybe cancel the cable and internet ... your busy with all your doing, you don't need to provide him with entertainment.

If the internet is wireless, change the passwords and rename your connection to "youneedtomoveout".

 

[seeingeyes]

If the internet is wireless, change the passwords and rename your connection to "youneedtomoveout".

Just a wee bit passive-aggressive.

 

[Annessa3]

honestly-- other than Be Firm & Lawyer Up, other suggestions are games I don't care to play.

but you made me smile a minute

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Well, I doubt he'll ask about it. *shrug*

 

[LottyH]

I admire you so much Let us know how you get on.