- Jul 4, 2017
- 8
- 30
- 40
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Female
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Single
I have no one I really feel I can talk to about this save one friend (but he's going through so much right now, I feel guilty telling him how I feel because he has actual horrible issues of his own to deal with....), so that's why I'm here.
The depression is really kicking my butt right now. Today was a really bad day. Like one of those days where being stuck in your own head feels like the worst kind of torture and you just want to tear your skin off.
The last few months, it's like everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong. The biggest of these being a recent upheaval at my [former] church, which even though it happened over a month ago, is still weighing heavily on my heart.
I was bass player and one of the vocalists on our worship team, and also recently elected as one of the members of the church council. Very long story short--due largely to a lack of communication and a pastor behaving in an extremely unChristianlike manner, the worship team was more or less driven out of the church like a bunch of criminals. On a Sunday morning. Five minutes before service started.
There was soooo much unnecessary drama, so much backstabbing, and so many outright lies told by our pastor to aid in his witch hunt and all of that has caused so much hurt I'm having a really hard time forgiving and moving on.
I attended that church for almost 20 years. Most of that was me attending with my parents because I had to, but over the last 5 years, since I really came to Jesus, that church has been my home. And now it feels like all of that has been ripped away. Looking for a new church home, hopefully with the rest of the worship team, but so far no luck.
And then over the last few weeks, I've really been at my wits end with my financial situation, hating my job, and my home life being extremely chaotic.
I have never felt so alone and hopeless in my life.
I have prayed and begged and pleaded, but the horrible thoughts never go away. It feels like God has turned away from me and I am absolutely heartbroken about it. I just don't know what to do. I pray for Him to show me the way forward, to please lift this darkness that every day gets more oppressive, but there is only silence. And I feel like if this is a test, I am going to fail.
The depression is really kicking my butt right now. Today was a really bad day. Like one of those days where being stuck in your own head feels like the worst kind of torture and you just want to tear your skin off.
The last few months, it's like everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong. The biggest of these being a recent upheaval at my [former] church, which even though it happened over a month ago, is still weighing heavily on my heart.
I was bass player and one of the vocalists on our worship team, and also recently elected as one of the members of the church council. Very long story short--due largely to a lack of communication and a pastor behaving in an extremely unChristianlike manner, the worship team was more or less driven out of the church like a bunch of criminals. On a Sunday morning. Five minutes before service started.
There was soooo much unnecessary drama, so much backstabbing, and so many outright lies told by our pastor to aid in his witch hunt and all of that has caused so much hurt I'm having a really hard time forgiving and moving on.
I attended that church for almost 20 years. Most of that was me attending with my parents because I had to, but over the last 5 years, since I really came to Jesus, that church has been my home. And now it feels like all of that has been ripped away. Looking for a new church home, hopefully with the rest of the worship team, but so far no luck.
And then over the last few weeks, I've really been at my wits end with my financial situation, hating my job, and my home life being extremely chaotic.
I have never felt so alone and hopeless in my life.
I have prayed and begged and pleaded, but the horrible thoughts never go away. It feels like God has turned away from me and I am absolutely heartbroken about it. I just don't know what to do. I pray for Him to show me the way forward, to please lift this darkness that every day gets more oppressive, but there is only silence. And I feel like if this is a test, I am going to fail.