UUUgggh. Disgusted. Hate bipolar. Hate me.

[gracegetsusthere]

Still not quite stabilized on the right mg of Lithium.
Having expolsive rage. Self hate big time. Self harm. Want to leave my husband because I don't belong in a relationship. All my childhood abuse isstues are all over the place. He aggravates it so I just want to leave. Have bag packed. He won't let me out the door. I would be asleep by now if he had let me take 3 klonopin instead of 2. Jerk. 3 was a compromise. I wanted 4.

My husbadn is a marginal believer and smokes pot like cheech and chong. I think it is only fair that if he is the one who has upset the crap out of me that I can knock myself out with clonopin. So angry that he just goes in the bedroom and changes his headspace where I have no choice but to live in mine.

today- I woke up happy and started to clean my house. Put on Brooks&Dunn, who make me happier than anything. No matter what my mood, Brooks&Dunn are my buddies. My favorite. I was happy. I was singing and dancing and folding laundry. I thought he was going to his friends house.

He decided he didn't want to leave me alone. PLEASE!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! He is always here!! So he stayed and he turned of my music because he doesn't like country music. He listens to classic rock and heavy metal. he said I could turn it back on but by then I had already felt REJECTED as a person. He doesn't like anything I do - right down to my commitment to christianity.​

But yesterday, after looking and looking and looking, not knowing what I was going to do about my education, I found a Masters Degree program in Public Health Management with a concentration in Emergency Disaster management.​

I was a cop until bipolar interfered. I don't work but I get paid. I want to go back to work. With this master's I could possibly go back to work in my own department.
I was so happy and so excited.​

He says "Well, when one of these situations happens, where will you be?" I said, "I'll be in the command center, whereever it is." He says - really nasty "OH GREAT?"

I just freaked. My music isn't acceptable. My career isn't acceptable. i could have gone back to patrol before this but he freaked out everytime I talked about it. It was my life! I had a life! They knew I was bipolar and I was a good cop. I just feel like this guy only wants me to have what he wants me to have which is and Entertainment Law firm - because that is where all HIS contacts are.​

I had a dream the other night where he was throwing me out unless I would stop being bipolar. I felt the same way today. I am doing the best I can and still feel under the gun, unaccepted, not understood -- and I really believe he just doesn't care.​

I pay the bills with my salary. He works freelance and 75% of the household income is mine. Who is he to tell me what to do with my life? I don't tell him. There have been 2 shootings and a stabbing in his club recently but I don't tell him to quit because that is what "makes him happy"​

He gets very nasty with me sometimes and the things he says go straight to the heart of some very rotten self esteem in me and I feel so much pain I just act out. I scream, throw things, get violent, hurt myself, beg God to kill me, contemplate suicide and just generally believe that there is no hope for me or with this marraige and I would be better off alone.​

I love my husband in spite of his drug addiction. I despise those parts of him that are in conflict with Christ - like the drugs and pornography. I refuse to accept that and he calls be a prude.​

He is threatened by my friends at church. I don't go anywhere near as often as I like because it is a conflict with him.​

He is your classis sinner holding on like a dog returning to its vomit.​

If the person that I spoke to about marrying unbelievers is reading this. Take it to heart - it gets worse.​

I am out of control of my emotions. I have no desire to 'make nice' with him. I have little desire to obey God through this. I just want to smash his face. (Remember War of the Roses? "Why do you want a divorce?" "Because lately - everytime I look at you - I just want to SMASH YOUR FACE" So Michael Douglas challenged Cybil Sheppard to 'smash his face' and she did.)​

My husband has decided to stop smoking pot for awhile - again. He is an emotional cripple without his drug.​

I am so angry. And I self-injured again tonight. This is a new thing. I don't know. the physifcal pain brings me back to reality or something. But i walk around with balck and blues.​

Getting tired, gotta sleeep/
Only took 2.5 hours for the clonopin to kick in. Which is why I knew I needed 3.
Need some prayer. And I don't even know what I should be asking for.​

Love,
Janice​

 

[PrairieGurl]

Ohhhhh Friend. Hurting for you. Don't like bipolar either. Love you.

Dearest Janice,

I am ing for you and your circumstances. Jesus knows what you need prayer for (even before we ask )...


Wendy

 

[berry2000]

Yuck! I agree. The mood swings are unbearable. Don't let h decide for you what you can and cannot do. YOu know yourself. We cannot let the bipolar limit us...we need to learn our limits and stick within them...so as not to trigger another episode...but we do not need to stop doing everything we love cuz of the bipolar.

You had a lot there in your post. Just wanted to say...I have the same mood swings...w/rage, self harm, self hate. Sorry you know it all too well. Remember it is the bipolar...don't hate yourself for it.

Praying

 

[gracegetsusthere]

Yuck! I agree. The mood swings are unbearable. Don't let h decide for you what you can and cannot do. YOu know yourself. We cannot let the bipolar limit us...we need to learn our limits and stick within them...so as not to trigger another episode...but we do not need to stop doing everything we love cuz of the bipolar.

You had a lot there in your post. Just wanted to say...I have the same mood swings...w/rage, self harm, self hate. Sorry you know it all too well. Remember it is the bipolar...don't hate yourself for it.

Praying

Its hard to remember its not me when I have a husband telling me all the time that it is me. That is me listening to a marijuana addict.

I just seem to be uuughhhh.......I can't get into this now.

I still feel like I am in a box and I have nowhere to move where this relationship is concerned.

Mummified and screaming.

yeah. that is it.

Love,
Janice

 

[Dos4GW]

Its hard to remember its not me when I have a husband telling me all the time that it is me. That is me listening to a marijuana addict.

I just seem to be uuughhhh.......I can't get into this now.

I still feel like I am in a box and I have nowhere to move where this relationship is concerned.

Mummified and screaming.

yeah. that is it.

Love,
Janice

Sorry to hear about your situation, Janice. I think the hardest part about having bipolar is when others, especially loved ones, don't understand it. Too many believe that it's a character flaw, or easily fixable.

But when things get bad, I beleave that your number one priority should be to stabilize. Once you're more balanced, other problems will be much easier to tackle. Bug your doctor everyday until things are right. You deserve to be feeling better.
And remember, one of the biggest certaintiesin life is change. This will pass. You will feel better. It's inevidable.
You will be in my prayers. Take care.