Utter Failure

[tripletiger1200]

I just don't get it. My belief is that salvation is independent of works, and that works are manifestations of God's Spirit. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try, I cannot be better, and that as long as I try to work things out myself I will constantly disappoint God and myself. I know that God's love is pure, and that you do not and cannot ever earn grace, and that God meets you where you are. I know that God will not leave me or forsake me, and I know that the way to love God more is to understand how much He loves you first, not to try to shame or work my way to loving Him more. I know that if I base my happiness on what I do for God and not the completed work of Jesus on the cross then I will not have peace and joy.
Things seemed better for a little while, but I just keep failing. I've tried giving control to God, but it feels like I just keep trying to take it back, and I don't know how to stop. I hate myself and every prideful, arrogant, and insulting thought that I come up with, but they just won't stop. The intrusive thoughts are back, and I feel like they are the reason the Holy Spirit will not give me peace, yet I can't fight them and win, and I don't feel like I should be trying to fight them. Rather than being filled with love for God and the grace He has given me, I feel depressed, angry, and bitter. I don't hate God, I hate myself, and it is poisoning every thought. I am so disgusted at myself 90% of the time that I can't seem to find any love to give anyone. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[SoldierOfSoul]

Tripletiger the only thing you can do is ignore the thoughts and impulses. Remember that God does not judge you for something you cannot control, God does not judge you for thoughts you don't want in the first place. You know God loves you and cares for you, you are His child, you are who He thought about on the Cross...for all eternity He has had you on His mind. OCD is not your master, Jesus is, OCD will do what OCD wants to do, but you do not have to submit to its condemnation.

Here are a few verses for you brother:

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

"And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love; and he that dwells in love dwells in God, and God in him." (1 John 4:16)

"In this is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." (1 John 4:10)

Blessings!

 

[gracealone]

Hi Tripletiger,
I find that OCD can cause me to be self conscious in the worst of ways. It shifts my focus to everything I think, or do, or say, or feel and makes a big huge hairy tangled up mess of it all. When you have OCD you really have to get over yourself and just admit that although you are and feel unworthy of God's grace, He is still making it available to you. I find that all I can do is cry out to Him.. "please Lord be merciful to me - a sinner!", and although I may not feel one shred of emotional validation about His mercy and grace because of my OCD, I can still choose to count on it, to "reckon" it to be so. Then I do my level best to shift my focus from who I am - to who He is. I let go and let God do His work in me and ask Him to grant me the strength to turn from such instense self examination.
This disorder waxes and wanes and when it's active it pushes out all feelings of comfort. But whether we have feelings of comfort or not has nothing to do with who God is for us, to us, in us and through us. I have chosen to do just as Mr. Bunyan did- "I will venture all for the sake of Christ!" He made this choice right in the midst of terrible OCD doubt concerning his eternal state with Christ. So you just keep on walking, even if every single step is painful and as you walk you will be strengthening your spiritual legs and counting on the abudant grace of your savior which is "greater than all our sin."
I'm praying for you.
Mitzi

I just don't get it. My belief is that salvation is independent of works, and that works are manifestations of God's Spirit. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try, I cannot be better, and that as long as I try to work things out myself I will constantly disappoint God and myself. I know that God's love is pure, and that you do not and cannot ever earn grace, and that God meets you where you are. I know that God will not leave me or forsake me, and I know that the way to love God more is to understand how much He loves you first, not to try to shame or work my way to loving Him more. I know that if I base my happiness on what I do for God and not the completed work of Jesus on the cross then I will not have peace and joy.
Things seemed better for a little while, but I just keep failing. I've tried giving control to God, but it feels like I just keep trying to take it back, and I don't know how to stop. I hate myself and every prideful, arrogant, and insulting thought that I come up with, but they just won't stop. The intrusive thoughts are back, and I feel like they are the reason the Holy Spirit will not give me peace, yet I can't fight them and win, and I don't feel like I should be trying to fight them. Rather than being filled with love for God and the grace He has given me, I feel depressed, angry, and bitter. I don't hate God, I hate myself, and it is poisoning every thought. I am so disgusted at myself 90% of the time that I can't seem to find any love to give anyone. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[LovesTheLord4Life]

Well said Mitzi, I too have had a bombardment of thoughts lately and it has been terrifying at times. Everything from doubts about God's love, my salvation and even the resurrection of Christ. Have any of you guys ever had accusatory thoughts along the lines of "he can't save you" or "you are trying to earn your salvation" or "why don't you feel upset about that particular sin"? These ones freak me out the most. I am learning more and more to just ignore the thoughts, but I will admit that some days are very tough. Do you guys feel that it's worse in the morning when you wake up? Anyways, I'm praying for all of you and would like to thank you all for your honesty, wisdom and encouragement througout this forum. I know that the Lord broought me to this forum for a reason. Bless you all!

 

[tripletiger1200]

Well said Mitzi, I too have had a bombardment of thoughts lately and it has been terrifying at times. Everything from doubts about God's love, my salvation and even the resurrection of Christ. Have any of you guys ever had accusatory thoughts along the lines of "he can't save you" or "you are trying to earn your salvation" or "why don't you feel upset about that particular sin"? These ones freak me out the most. I am learning more and more to just ignore the thoughts, but I will admit that some days are very tough. Do you guys feel that it's worse in the morning when you wake up? Anyways, I'm praying for all of you and would like to thank you all for your honesty, wisdom and encouragement througout this forum. I know that the Lord broought me to this forum for a reason. Bless you all!

Mine is awful in the morning, especially if I try to sleep in. I have accusatory thoughts, and I also have a lot of thoughts that tell me that God would have to be dumb to save me. I know it's not true, but it's hard because I don't understand why He loves me, or how he could possibly offer grace to someone like me.

 

[LovesTheLord4Life]

I know how you feel friend, I too have dwelled on my past failures and have wondered why God would shed His grace upon me. I know the OCD causes us to do some intense self-examination sometimes, but I choose to rely on His unmerited favour and undeserved love because truly, it's all that we have. If you think about it, without God's grace we wouldn't even have a desire to love Him, serve Him or cry out to Him. My friend I challenge you to look past your failures and to look at Christ, regardless of how you feel. I know that helps me a lot. Romans 6:11 : "So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." (ESV). I hope this helps you and I will continue to pray for you, cause I too know how debilitating the thoughts can be and the feelings that they bring. You are loved, don't forget that!

Your brother in Christ,
Steve