hi,
I am so tired right now, I didnt get much sleep last night after an incident that happened at my niece's birthday party (7th).
Bit of background, my dad is an ex-alcoholic, who has issues of being able to control himself. His parenting skills were virtually nil, and although it's good he stopped drinking he never obtained any professional help, so he is basically what's known as a 'dry drunk'-- that is a person who stopped drinking, but their underlying issues are still the same. He lacks in any ability to relate to kids, and doesnt have coping skills, he often blew up at us kids growing up for things as simple as spilling milk. He got d runk frequently and would be lose control and be abusive. All the time growing up my mom would look the other way and never acted as a repsonsible parent in protecting us kids. SHe denies he even had a drinking problem. She is that way still, if my dad is a punk to her grandkids, she pretends she doesnt know. Ok, now to my dillemna, and why I lost sleep last night.
Last night me and my daughter (aged 13) went to a bday party for her 7 yr old cousin, "Susie". Also present was Susie's famly, and my parents.
It was a fun little party and everything was going okay, I was relaly happy it was going so well.
Then halfway thru, at one point, there was a point in time where I was sitting in a room, with my daughter, my dad came in and sat down, and then my little 4 yr old nephew came in. The others were in the kitchen, my sister was upstairs with the baby.
ANyways, now to the point. My nephew was plahing around, as 4 yr old boys do, and took an empty paper bag and pretended he was going to throw it at my daughter. My dad angrily said "dont, dont you dare throw that bag..." well, nephew was michevous and threw it. Before I knrew what was happening, my daughter became very frightrened bc my dad had a look of murder on his face, reminded me of his good ol drunk days. He suddenly lost it and lunged for my nephew, grabbed him with a very threatening manner, and roughly grabbed his arm pulling him up and rasied his hand like he would hit him, my daughter started screaming to stop it. I am not sure why, I sat there, frozen, as if I wasnt sure what I was seeing was real. I think I didnt actually think he would have the nerve to actually hit his grandchild, it's not his place to discipline, for such a minor thing...I was kind of assuming and before I knew it he was lunging for him, like a bad dream. My daughter was screaming at my dad, she was so scared, I feel so bad for her and my nephew both. My mom came running into the room, and preteneded she didnt see, and walked out. A second later my bil ran in the room but by that time, my dad had slammed my nephew down on teh couch and so all my brother in law saw was my nephew and dad sitting on the couch and my dad yelling at him to sit there 'for 5 minutes'.
My bil's eyes got big, like he couldnt undersstand what on earth happened, and kind of went into denial mode and at that point I told my daughter to please come with me, *away* from grampa, I didnt want her near him. Me and her went into the kitchen and my sister at that point came downstairs from changing the baby, totally unaware of what had just transpired. I told my brother in law, since he didnt see what happened, I told him that he should not leave his kids alone with my dad, and I would explain more later.
I also told my sister when seh came downstairs, that if I were her, I wouldnt be having him and my mom babysit their kids anymore, and her eyes got big, she knew from his history he had done something but she was in shock and wanted to just finish up her daughter's bday, since she was waiting to have her cake.
Well, my dad ruined what was an otherwise nice evening for me, my daughter, and little nephew. Not so much the others bc my mom doesnt care, and my sister and brother in law werent there to see it.
I felt sick the rest of the party, and my daughter had a look like trying not to cry, and kind of you could tell she was just thinking about it the rest of the night.
Finally my jerk dad and mom left, thank God, and at that point, my sister came and asked me "what happened??" I told her that our dad had basically kind of assaulted her 4 yr old son, over an empty paper bag, that he had lost it and become enraged, and scared both her son adn my duaghter and ruined the party. She asked me if our mom had seen him do that, and I told her she came running in the room but when she got the idea what our dad had done, she kind of pretended she didnt see it and slunk back out of the room. She then asked my daughter what happened and our stories 'matched'- we both said the same points, that he had thrown a paper bag, that her grampa became enraged and lunged towards him grabbed him, shook him a bit, and threatened to hit him, then slammed him on the couch. She said 'thank you for telling me,.' and then she proceeded to tell me she would call our mom today, and tell her that 'when they come to babysit this Friday to keep an eye on her husband, to make sure he doesnt hurt her son....
I told her that is probably not a real safeguard, having mom there to 'keep an eye on him' because her whole history, even tonight, has been looking the other way when dad is abusive, or drunk, etc. etc.
She said she will talk to her and make sure our mom knows to 'keep an eye on him...'
Again I gently told her that based on her reaction to seeing what our dad had done during the party to her son, which was walking the other way and not even telling my sister, I dont see how having her 'watch' my dad is any safeguard, since she doesnt seme to have any protective feelings towards her kdis or grandkids. I mean if she came in, saw my dad had just hurt her son, and looked the other way, why would she feel that she can trust my mom to ensure her son's safety?
There must be other babysitters, or other options, than having this man around her son.
My question is, I relaize he didnt beat my nephew, however his actions were veyr disturbing and concerning, he became enraged and lost control over a non-issue, and also he was a guest at a party, he wasnt in a place to 'discipline' my nephew (and even if he was, what he did has nothign to do with discipline).
So, based on my concern, I am wondering if I should call my sister and tell her t hat I need to know that our dad will not be around her son, without a RESPONSIBLE adult present (not my mom, she doesnt qualify for this bc she plays along with what he does).
If she has a need to paint a prettier face on this then what it is, by just asking my mom to keep an eye on our dad, an d she allows him around her son unsupervised, I feel I have a responsibility to intervene.
I dont want to call dcfs, (but nobody wants to call them, ) it's not a matter of doing what is comfortable in my opinion, or making sure people like me, it's not a popularity contest. Some adult needs to ensure that man doesnt cause harm.
They are supposed to go over and babysit there this Friday. I feel like some kind of criminal almost to allow my dad over there with my mom, the two of them alone.
If you were me, what would you do?>
** leave it to my sister and hope for the best
**talk again to sister and insist she not allow my parents there w/o another adult, for safety purposes, and that I am responsible, to ensure his safety is nobody else will. Basically tell her to please not let them be around him unsupervise,d and if she does allow it, let her know I will have to contact the authorities who can determine if they are fit to babysit young children.
**other
I am so tired right now, I didnt get much sleep last night after an incident that happened at my niece's birthday party (7th).
Bit of background, my dad is an ex-alcoholic, who has issues of being able to control himself. His parenting skills were virtually nil, and although it's good he stopped drinking he never obtained any professional help, so he is basically what's known as a 'dry drunk'-- that is a person who stopped drinking, but their underlying issues are still the same. He lacks in any ability to relate to kids, and doesnt have coping skills, he often blew up at us kids growing up for things as simple as spilling milk. He got d runk frequently and would be lose control and be abusive. All the time growing up my mom would look the other way and never acted as a repsonsible parent in protecting us kids. SHe denies he even had a drinking problem. She is that way still, if my dad is a punk to her grandkids, she pretends she doesnt know. Ok, now to my dillemna, and why I lost sleep last night.
Last night me and my daughter (aged 13) went to a bday party for her 7 yr old cousin, "Susie". Also present was Susie's famly, and my parents.
It was a fun little party and everything was going okay, I was relaly happy it was going so well.
Then halfway thru, at one point, there was a point in time where I was sitting in a room, with my daughter, my dad came in and sat down, and then my little 4 yr old nephew came in. The others were in the kitchen, my sister was upstairs with the baby.
ANyways, now to the point. My nephew was plahing around, as 4 yr old boys do, and took an empty paper bag and pretended he was going to throw it at my daughter. My dad angrily said "dont, dont you dare throw that bag..." well, nephew was michevous and threw it. Before I knrew what was happening, my daughter became very frightrened bc my dad had a look of murder on his face, reminded me of his good ol drunk days. He suddenly lost it and lunged for my nephew, grabbed him with a very threatening manner, and roughly grabbed his arm pulling him up and rasied his hand like he would hit him, my daughter started screaming to stop it. I am not sure why, I sat there, frozen, as if I wasnt sure what I was seeing was real. I think I didnt actually think he would have the nerve to actually hit his grandchild, it's not his place to discipline, for such a minor thing...I was kind of assuming and before I knew it he was lunging for him, like a bad dream. My daughter was screaming at my dad, she was so scared, I feel so bad for her and my nephew both. My mom came running into the room, and preteneded she didnt see, and walked out. A second later my bil ran in the room but by that time, my dad had slammed my nephew down on teh couch and so all my brother in law saw was my nephew and dad sitting on the couch and my dad yelling at him to sit there 'for 5 minutes'.
My bil's eyes got big, like he couldnt undersstand what on earth happened, and kind of went into denial mode and at that point I told my daughter to please come with me, *away* from grampa, I didnt want her near him. Me and her went into the kitchen and my sister at that point came downstairs from changing the baby, totally unaware of what had just transpired. I told my brother in law, since he didnt see what happened, I told him that he should not leave his kids alone with my dad, and I would explain more later.
I also told my sister when seh came downstairs, that if I were her, I wouldnt be having him and my mom babysit their kids anymore, and her eyes got big, she knew from his history he had done something but she was in shock and wanted to just finish up her daughter's bday, since she was waiting to have her cake.
Well, my dad ruined what was an otherwise nice evening for me, my daughter, and little nephew. Not so much the others bc my mom doesnt care, and my sister and brother in law werent there to see it.
I felt sick the rest of the party, and my daughter had a look like trying not to cry, and kind of you could tell she was just thinking about it the rest of the night.
Finally my jerk dad and mom left, thank God, and at that point, my sister came and asked me "what happened??" I told her that our dad had basically kind of assaulted her 4 yr old son, over an empty paper bag, that he had lost it and become enraged, and scared both her son adn my duaghter and ruined the party. She asked me if our mom had seen him do that, and I told her she came running in the room but when she got the idea what our dad had done, she kind of pretended she didnt see it and slunk back out of the room. She then asked my daughter what happened and our stories 'matched'- we both said the same points, that he had thrown a paper bag, that her grampa became enraged and lunged towards him grabbed him, shook him a bit, and threatened to hit him, then slammed him on the couch. She said 'thank you for telling me,.' and then she proceeded to tell me she would call our mom today, and tell her that 'when they come to babysit this Friday to keep an eye on her husband, to make sure he doesnt hurt her son....
I told her that is probably not a real safeguard, having mom there to 'keep an eye on him' because her whole history, even tonight, has been looking the other way when dad is abusive, or drunk, etc. etc.
She said she will talk to her and make sure our mom knows to 'keep an eye on him...'
Again I gently told her that based on her reaction to seeing what our dad had done during the party to her son, which was walking the other way and not even telling my sister, I dont see how having her 'watch' my dad is any safeguard, since she doesnt seme to have any protective feelings towards her kdis or grandkids. I mean if she came in, saw my dad had just hurt her son, and looked the other way, why would she feel that she can trust my mom to ensure her son's safety?
There must be other babysitters, or other options, than having this man around her son.
My question is, I relaize he didnt beat my nephew, however his actions were veyr disturbing and concerning, he became enraged and lost control over a non-issue, and also he was a guest at a party, he wasnt in a place to 'discipline' my nephew (and even if he was, what he did has nothign to do with discipline).
So, based on my concern, I am wondering if I should call my sister and tell her t hat I need to know that our dad will not be around her son, without a RESPONSIBLE adult present (not my mom, she doesnt qualify for this bc she plays along with what he does).
If she has a need to paint a prettier face on this then what it is, by just asking my mom to keep an eye on our dad, an d she allows him around her son unsupervised, I feel I have a responsibility to intervene.
I dont want to call dcfs, (but nobody wants to call them, ) it's not a matter of doing what is comfortable in my opinion, or making sure people like me, it's not a popularity contest. Some adult needs to ensure that man doesnt cause harm.
They are supposed to go over and babysit there this Friday. I feel like some kind of criminal almost to allow my dad over there with my mom, the two of them alone.
If you were me, what would you do?>
** leave it to my sister and hope for the best
**talk again to sister and insist she not allow my parents there w/o another adult, for safety purposes, and that I am responsible, to ensure his safety is nobody else will. Basically tell her to please not let them be around him unsupervise,d and if she does allow it, let her know I will have to contact the authorities who can determine if they are fit to babysit young children.
**other
for you, Cookie...hang tough and pray for strength to see it through.
