"Upward and Onward"

[BlueJay83]

So, i'm officially and permanently separated.. if i could sign divorce papers I would have done that already. It took almost a year to reach this point so i'm totaly convinced It's the best thing for me and the kids.

I've got full custody of the kids without a huge battle. (Thank God!!)
I've made some changes in my life, changed my diet, come out of quite severe depression, lost a bit of weight (26pounds) and getting allot fitter.
So things are improving for me...

my motto has always been "upward and onward".. so I have been looking to the future, and taking a clean slate approach and essentially restarting life for myself. I'm removing all items that remind me of her, re-arranging furniture, selling stuff.. and may even move to another city.

Now,
This marriage has cost me everything I have worked for over the last 10 years. 2 career paths, a profitable business, and a family.
This divorce isn;t what I wanted and I worked very hard for it not to go this way, but was given no other choice courtesy of her repeated infidelity.

My one wish since a child has been to be a good husband to a loving wife, and raise a bunch of kids... now that seems I'll never have that.

........I worry that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, I really do want to e in a loving relationship but kindof feel nobody will want a guy who at my age has 3 kids. I feel like i've been robbed of my dream and I guess I don;t know if I will ever find someone who ticks all the boxes for me.. who is actually interested in me AND accepts my kids. It doesn't seem fair that I've tried so hard and she robbed me of so much.

How did you go about moving on, finding someone great and making life good for yourself again?
How long did it take for you to recover..? (I don't know how else to phrase what I'm asking)

 

[FaithPrevails]

I didn't date at all for the first 2 years after my divorce was finalized. Then, once I started dating, I quickly realized how badly I did NOT want to be a part of that scene again. So, I resigned myself to "singledom" and figured I would remain that way until my kids were older or grown and gone. They were 7 and 4 at the time.

I made my focus/priority God, my kids, and my career (in order to provide for them). I figured God would bring the right person into my life in His time. In 2009, He did just that.

The most significant observation that my DH made about me in the early stages of dating was that I had my head on straight, I was a highly involved hands-on mom, and I wasn't out dating around all the time. He said it set me apart from the "typical" single moms he encountered in the dating scene.

So, I went about moving on by figuring out how to create a family unit with just my kids and created our own traditions (and carried on some we had created as a family with my ex). I figured out what I was interested in and pursued those interests as time allowed, so I wasn't just sitting around when the kids were not around. But, most importantly, I did accept my singleness as a season in my life and left my trust/hope in God for any changes to my marital status in the future.

I will say that I was adamant about not having the men that I dated around my kids (only a handful of men, but still...). They had gone through enough disruption and loss in their lives without adding my dating failures to the mix. So, my husband was the first "date" I introduced to them. I was careful to observe how they interacted together, too. We have hit some normal blended family bumps in the road, but - overall - we are having great success becoming a family unit.

I don't know if any of my ramblings will help or give you encouragement - but there ya have it.

 

[Cute Tink]

I had the same fears and worries. I was only 27 when I became separated. At the time, I was desperate to hold on to a wife that was focused on herself and getting away from me and the kids. Initially when we split, I just wanted to win her back. Then I realized she was gone. At least you get to skip that part. I think I was just worried about being alone and miserable for the rest of my life. She was the first person to really show interest in me and I pretty much felt like she was the only one who would be.

When I met my new wife, I did not intend to get married again. I was really down on relationships in general and marriage was out of the question because of how bad my marriage ended up. Well, she proved to be someone special. After 6 months, we introduced our kids to each other and things went well. We've since gotten married (obviously) as she broke down my wall and constantly shows me how good a relationship can be. The kids still get along with both of us and between themselves well.

I guess what I'm saying is that it can work. Just be patient and don't settle.

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

I was separated (but filed) for a year and one week before my divorce was final. I have yet to have a desire to date although my brain runs in that direction at times. I'm not ready. I don't know if I will ever be ready. That's fine with me. I just wish if I was never going to be ready or find the 'perfect' man that I would quit having thoughts in that direction you know? I love my life now but the hardest time I have is going out without my kids and feeling like a 3rd wheel.

I'm sure there is someone out there who will love your kids. My 'ideal man' would not have kids, but I have kids so how fair is that? lol I have a friend who hates her stepkids. However, everything I have read (in trying to help her) says that the kids should have a LONG time to adjust to the thoughts of a step Mom or Dad. They rushed through their marriage and the kids were just thrown into it. Hence my advice to you would be to go slow and ask God to guide you. He will give us the desires of our heart but we HAVE to wait on Him. Sometimes that's the hardest thing to do but in the long run it is the best thing to do.

 

[BlueJay83]

Thanks everyone.

HeKnowsMyName,
I'm not interested in anyone who doesn't love my boys.. I don't have a problem getting "dates".. I'm not ugly.. or so they say anyway...
but I'm not interested in that superficial garbage.
I can count on one hand the number of women i've met over the last 15 years who I would consider seriously dating & eventually marrying (when i'm thinking with the right head - not to be crude)... it's not about looks, it's about personal values. They are a dying breed the kind i'm looking for.

CuteTink,
thanks for your advise.. agree totally in not "settling", but it's hard not to try cling to the first thing that comes along... I totally identify with your feeling of "what if she's the only one who will accept me".
I hate uncertainty.. so I tend to want a commitment & thus achieve stability quickly.

FaithPrevails.
good point about not getting the kids involved too early.
my problem is... I don't want to be with anyone who does not like my kids.. it's not an option for me. So getting the balance right could be tricky.
I don't like single life and being alone... i don't really want to embrace it, because It's not what I have wanted. I have been making the most of it by developing myself personally, but I don;t want to grow to like it. (sounds strange I'm sure)

*sigh*

you know that movie *click*?
yeah I want one of those so I can get to the point when I've met the right person.

 

[Cute Tink]

CuteTink,
thanks for your advise.. agree totally in not "settling", but it's hard not to try cling to the first thing that comes along... I totally identify with your feeling of "what if she's the only one who will accept me".
I hate uncertainty.. so I tend to want a commitment & thus achieve stability quickly.

The funny thing was that my first wife didn't accept me at all for who I really am. My wife now does. I see now that I took all of the bad for the little good simply because I didn't want to be alone. I encourage you to be alone for as long as it takes to find someone you truly don't want to be without. When it is right, you will know and everyone around you will know without even asking.

 

[BlueJay83]

The funny thing was that my first wife didn't accept me at all for who I really am. My wife now does. I see now that I took all of the bad for the little good simply because I didn't want to be alone. I encourage you to be alone for as long as it takes to find someone you truly don't want to be without. When it is right, you will know and everyone around you will know without even asking.

Thank you.
very wise.

Same story, my Ex (i don't like calling her "wife" because she wasn't a real wife to me) also didn't fully accept me for who I am.
She was always trying to make do do things she knows are against my nature, and fighting me on the things she knows are important to me.

I wish I just wasn't dumb enough to put up with it for so long.

 

[Cute Tink]

I wish I just wasn't dumb enough to put up with it for so long.

 

[FaithPrevails]

FaithPrevails.
good point about not getting the kids involved too early.
my problem is... I don't want to be with anyone who does not like my kids.. it's not an option for me. So getting the balance right could be tricky.
I don't like single life and being alone... i don't really want to embrace it, because It's not what I have wanted. I have been making the most of it by developing myself personally, but I don;t want to grow to like it. (sounds strange I'm sure)

Not wanting to grow to like your single life doesn't sound strange at all. I didn't necessarily embrace being single in that sense - I simply accepted that being single was where I was at for that part of my life.

As for the kids - I guess "early" depends on how you are defining it. LOL My husband met my kids after we had only known each other for about 10 days. We just clicked and he showed a genuine interest in getting to know [about] my kids and learning more about them. It was a risk, but it could have been a risk no matter if it was 10 days that had passed or 10 months. I wouldn't have agreed to it if I had any doubt that he wasn't serious about me, especially b/c I had already told him that no one I had dated had ever met my kids. He knew it wasn't something I took lightly. So, his request told me how serious he was about me.

 

[Camalinda]

My one wish since a child has been to be a good husband to a loving wife, and raise a bunch of kids... now that seems I'll never have that.

........I worry that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, I really do want to e in a loving relationship but kindof feel nobody will want a guy who at my age has 3 kids. I feel like i've been robbed of my dream and I guess I don;t know if I will ever find someone who ticks all the boxes for me.. who is actually interested in me AND accepts my kids. It doesn't seem fair that I've tried so hard and she robbed me of so much.

How did you go about moving on, finding someone great and making life good for yourself again?
How long did it take for you to recover..? (I don't know how else to phrase what I'm asking)

You know, it isn't funny but I almost have to laugh when I read what you wrote because *I* could write the exact same thing, and I am 15 years older than you are! And I read your post and think, He's SO young! He has his whole life ahead of him! I can't even imagine him being alone the rest of his life!

And yet, I could write you exact same post about myself- adding 15 years, of course! I think where you are- and where I am- is really where a lot of us have been and that we all, to some degree, worry about these same types of issues.

I honestly think that your firm stance that you will NOT date or be involved with any woman who does not love your children is WONDERFUL (a lot of people settle for a whole lot less, sadly) and that you are on a very good track for the future. I will be surprised if in 5 years you are still 'alone.' You seem very level-headed and it seems you have and are continuing to do what you need to do for your children's safety, well-being and stability AND you are moving forward in your own life as well. So many people stay stuck in a cycle of blame, shame, denial... It is great to see you moving forward!

It is interesting to me, across the board, how each one decides they are ready to move on and how it takes some people a few months and some people a few years and some people... forever. I feel like I am a 'weirdo' because I DO desire a godly marriage with a husband who loves me and my children and who wants to love us as Christ has instructed a husband to. After all, I had an almost two decades marriage of severe neglect and abuse. I know some people probably think I am nuts for hoping I do find someone in the future. But we all are at different places in our journies and I'd rather be looking "Upward and onward" as you put it, than be stuck in blaming and regret and remorse and anger the rest of my life.

So good for you for fighting for your children. It is not easy for a father to get full custody of his children so that tells the world that - while very sad - their mother is unfit and you are much more capable in providing what they need- stability, love and more.

 

[BlueJay83]

hehe, well, I certainly hope that will be the case in 5 years.

I'm glad for you that you are looking to the future.. i guess 15 years older than me isn't old yet.. ...so maybe I am a spring chicken afterall.

I'm a wedding photographer, I see plenty of couples in their 50's+ getting married (or re-married) I'm sure you will find someone.... you're very determined and strong. I can't believe you stuck it out for that long in that sort of abuse... that says allot about your character, that you could try for change despite such desperate times. I know I've said it before on here, but ti genuinely take my hat off in amazement that you're able to make a new start with your kids even with your illness. Keep strong.. you've done so well making it out.

I think it's very healthy to want something new and better for yourself, not nuts at all!
You went through Hell and had your dreams of a loving family crushed... you have every right to want to be happy, and I'm sure God has prepared something for you. There is no point allowing the pain to follow you.. "upward and onward".
He does fulfill the desires of our heart. I'm just finding it very hard waiting for that though.. hahaha
besides, there are only 4 million people on this tiny island near Antarctica, it's not a Christian/bible based nation so the pickings are slim for me.
I'm sure God has a plan... He always does.

The thing that helped me look to the future was "without vision, my people perish"
So biblically, we NEED something to work towards and look forward to in order to not wander around in the desert aimlessly. I kindof feel like i've been freed from Egypt, I have a promised land out there somewhere, and I just need to keep moving.

I do feel sorry for those who are blind-sided with a dramatic break-up or take a loooong time to recover. I am actually grateful that I had time to work it out and come to a sensible decision. I think I'd also be a mess for a long time if it wasn't such a drawn out and painful process. I know you went through many years of it too, so we both had time to reach the point of moving on and having control of the situation.