Upsetting Over Girlfriends Past

[itsthethreeonesix]

Hello!

My girlfriend and I are both in our mid-tweenties, non-demoninational, and are heart filled Christians who are not that conservative. She's gorgeous, bright, and very like-minded. She's quite a gift

Recently, it was brought to light (by her) about her prior sexual actions with her ex-boyfriend several years ago. She shamefully admitted in having oral sex on multiple occasions over the span of a couple years (and no thanks to my curious mind, in detail). I tried to shrug it off in a understandable, respectful, and forgiving fashion (the past is in the past), but in reality, I found myself getting a bit more upset then I probably should. I'm not exactly sure of why. To make matters worse, I've read that having oral sex is just as bad as sex itself, therefore some might say she's no longer a virgin, un-pure, and not innocent. A principle attribute I deeply desire for another not to have.

I grew up with strong morals and with the notion that these acts are not acceptable before marriage. Having been someone that fought, and abstained from these acts, situations, and held to my beliefs, I'm honestly growing wary that may hormones will get the best of me if I don't proactively prevent it, as lately they have been "raging". She did tell me that it was in fact a "mistake" and should be reserved for marriage, but my stomach remains in knots knowing she went there with another man. Then tie that with the fact that my hormones are flying off the chain....

Lately, I'm a bit unsure on how to bring this back up with her without her feeling even more guilty or possibly blaming me for my "over" reaction.

To conclude, I love her deeply and am committed long term with her, but I find myself struggling lately to get over these thoughts (am I over-reacting?). Any christianly advice would be more then welcomed here. Perhaps others have been down this road, and could offer some help.

 

[The Nihilist]

You can either live with it or you can't. Figure out which it is, and then do that.

But really, you're overreacting.

 

[Melethiel]

I share the same views about sex before marriage. My fiance told me early on in our relationship that he had sex with his previous girlfriend, and was repentant about it. It hasn't affected our relationship in the slightest, because we didn't let it.

If she's repentant, and committed to abstaining in the future, then get over it and move on, if you really love her. Holding her past over her head will serve no good.

 

[BFine]

Please make sure your strong morals don't blind you to the fact
she is forgiven, just like you are.

Temper your judgement with mercy...Jesus showed mercy for us.

 

[Valerita]

I can see this from her side. My situation is the exact same, but I'm the girl.

I wholeheartedly agree with BFine 1000%. She is forgiven by Jesus just as much as you are. What gives you the authority to not give her forgiveness while Jesus can? I'm not trying to be rude or ugly (text does not give tone), but I'm trying to put it in perspective. It took me a long time to come to grips with my sin in the past. I finally had to seek counseling to do so. My counselor told me "You have repented. You hate your sin. Jesus forgives you, so what makes you so much better and more important that you can't forgive yourself?"

I am not your girlfriend, but if my fiance came to me and told me that he had a problem with my past sin, I would be devastated. For her to tell you about it is hard, and it means that she has come to terms with it. For someone to bring it up again is humiliating and devastating. Normally, I would say to talk to her about it, but as I am in her shoes, I say drop it.

 

[citizenthom]

It is Biblically clear that you should forgive this former sin as your Gf's brother in Christ. Whether you can truly move past it is another matter. Not every person is equipped to move past prior sexual sin, and a failure to do so can cause incredible difficulty in a marriage. Bottom line is, if you cannot forget the past and move past this, do not continue this relationship or marry this girl.

 

[iambren]

First, IMHO, I think it is stupid to divulge past sexual activity. For what??!!



Second, but NOW you know your gal has been intimate before you met her.



Third, the problem now is YOURS not hers, for she has been forgiven. Ball's in your court whether you'll continue. What would be the point in talk; the facts are the same. The world is not perfect, maybe going the distance with this gal will teach you that early.

 

[meinabox]

It's all up to you and whatever God has in store for you...nobody can tell you EXACTLY how to get over it; you just have to believe that you don't care and you won't care.

either way, be patient with yourself...God has a time and purpose for everything...

in my opinion, it would be best to talk to her about it and be completely honest about the negative emotions that you feel (confession, really.) it will make you feel better and if God is willing, she'll be understanding and maybe help you get over it...

I'm exactly sure what your indication of raging hormones means but I was reminded of this verse:

"But if a man thinks he ought to marry his fiancee because he has trouble controlling his passions, and time is passing, it is alright; it is not a sin. let them marry. if... there is no urgency and he can control his passion, he does well not marry" 1 cor 7:36

Take care of yourself; God bless.

 

[Sketcher]

The right questions to ask are:

1) Is she truly repentant?

2) How does this affect her present?

3) How will this affect her in the future?

If the past truly is past, then move on, nothing to worry about. If the past is still in the present, then that is actually serious. Unfortunately, you can't always take someone's word that the past is in the past. People don't always realize they've only gotten past a few layers, and there's still plenty to go.

 

[Valerita]

You run the risk of seriously hurting her if you talk to her about this. She has previously told you about it, and I'm sure it was difficult for her to do so. If you tell her that this bothers you, she will (at least temporarily) feel like you are judging her for what she says (which you sort of are) and feel like she can't trust you when she has something important to say.

If you truly love this girl and think you could get past this, drop it.

If you think that you cannot forgive her until after you talk about it, be very ready to walk away from the relationship. While that may not happen, it may throw a lot more things on top of the relationship that you aren't prepared to deal with.

 

[.Iona.]

I would be very upset if my partner told me has had been sexual with a former girlfriend (one good thing with my relationship is that I am his first girlfriend!)

I would be upset, but would forgive him and move past it.

She was honest with you about it. If she is happy to change and now wait until you are both ready - then that is great. Jesus was about forgiving - would you want her to forgive your sinful behaviour? Because we all sin.

If you want to remain in this relationship then you need to learn to move past this, otherwise the relationship will not be strong and trusting.

 

[Luther073082]

Hello!

My girlfriend and I are both in our mid-tweenties, non-demoninational, and are heart filled Christians who are not that conservative. She's gorgeous, bright, and very like-minded. She's quite a gift

Good

Recently, it was brought to light (by her) about her prior sexual actions with her ex-boyfriend several years ago. She shamefully admitted in having oral sex on multiple occasions over the span of a couple years (and no thanks to my curious mind, in detail).

You need to keep your mind not curious. I'm aware of my wife's sexual history in general details. But I don't want the details. . . the details are a bad thing. In general I would advise you to first never ask for details and secondly stop her from giving them.

I tried to shrug it off in a understandable, respectful, and forgiving fashion (the past is in the past), but in reality, I found myself getting a bit more upset then I probably should. I'm not exactly sure of why. To make matters worse, I've read that having oral sex is just as bad as sex itself, therefore some might say she's no longer a virgin, un-pure, and not innocent. A principle attribute I deeply desire for another not to have.

Why: Because its difficult to think of our romantic partner with another person in a sexual manner.

As to what you read: Yes oral sex is just as bad as sex making her un-pure and not innocent.

But so is failing to forgive, so is taking the Lord's name in vain, so is failing to love someone as yourself, so is looking upon a woman with lust in your heart.

Do you get my picture?

Listen don't listen to this purity cult stuff. A person's lack of sexual experience does not make them "pure". . . Christ and Christ alone makes you pure. I don't care if you've never kissed a girl, held a girl's hand, or heck if you've never touched a girl. . . (Not that any of those are sins)

You are still on your own dirtier and more disgusting then the stuff that's in my septic tank. Raw sewage by comparison has quite a pleasent odor and appearence next to you and your past. By yourself you deserve nothing but death and hell. . . and hell may be too good for you.

But with Christ you are pure and clean in the same way she's pure and clean.

I grew up with strong morals and with the notion that these acts are not acceptable before marriage. Having been someone that fought, and abstained from these acts, situations, and held to my beliefs, I'm honestly growing wary that may hormones will get the best of me if I don't proactively prevent it, as lately they have been "raging". She did tell me that it was in fact a "mistake" and should be reserved for marriage, but my stomach remains in knots knowing she went there with another man. Then tie that with the fact that my hormones are flying off the chain....

Thats typical, you have to keep fighting it. Don't think of her in the context of what she's done, think of her in the context of who she is now. If you focus on what she did in the past, it will eat you up. Focus on her as a person.

[quote[
Lately, I'm a bit unsure on how to bring this back up with her without her feeling even more guilty or possibly blaming me for my "over" reaction. [/quote]

Don't bring it up again. Deal with it and let it go. If she brings it up again you should just stop her from giving you any details.

To conclude, I love her deeply and am committed long term with her, but I find myself struggling lately to get over these thoughts (am I over-reacting?). Any christianly advice would be more then welcomed here. Perhaps others have been down this road, and could offer some help.

The trick is not to think about them. Both my wife and I have sexual pasts. . . do you think we could exist well as a married couple by constantly obcessing over eachother's pasts?

 

[Inkachu]

1. Her past is not her present.
2. YOU asked for more details. You got what you asked for. Don't punish HER for it.
3. You say you truly love her; then you won't hold this against her. She can't change the past, neither can you. I doubt your mind has been pure your entire life when it comes to girls ("anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart"); so are you more "innocent" than she?

This is why I've learned to never ask about a man's sexual past, nor allow him to press me about mine. If we feel we need to talk about something, we will. Otherwise, the past is usually best left there...in the past. Drudging up images of our beloved S.O. getting it on with someone else will NEVER EVER do a bit of good.

 

[Luther073082]

This is why I've learned to never ask about a man's sexual past, nor allow him to press me about mine. If we feel we need to talk about something, we will. Otherwise, the past is usually best left there...in the past. Drudging up images of our beloved S.O. getting it on with someone else will NEVER EVER do a bit of good.

I would agree. . . I think its important to know the general sexual history of a potential marriage partner. At least in terms of how many prior partners and who. . .

But specific details are best left out of the conversation.

 

[Inkachu]

I would agree. . . I think its important to know the general sexual history of a potential marriage partner. At least in terms of how many prior partners and who. . .

But specific details are best left out of the conversation.

Why would you NEED to know that? You don't. All I'd need to know is if he's got any chronic diseases that could potentially affect me. Otherwise, I don't NEED to know anything beyond that. I have no desire to ask Don about those things. In fact, I desire not to.

 

[Luther073082]

Why would you NEED to know that? You don't. All I'd need to know is if he's got any chronic diseases that could potentially affect me. Otherwise, I don't NEED to know anything beyond that. I have no desire to ask Don about those things. In fact, I desire not to.

Because there is the potential for dieseases that you arn't aware of.

I think its a healthy thing to know how many and who. I don't think I'd want to marry blind of that information. But beyond that, details arn't important.

 

[Verve]

Have you ever seen the freak out that Dante has in the movie Clerks?
This sounds just about the same to me.

Her past is her past and it's not the place of a boyfriend or girlfriend to play judge when a person has truly repented of it.

The only things that really matter are the things that could affect the relationship in the long run. STIs, emotional damage from abusive relationships, there are so many things that are important to be aware of which make worrying about past purity look like a walk in the park.

Try and think about the changes she has made. If she has repented from that lifestyle it's important to see her as forgiven. Forgiveness means she is washed clean, made pure through Christ. So in a way, it's inappropriate to call her impure.

 

[Thunder Peel]

The past is the past. You can't change it and everybody makes mistakes; if she's asked for forgiveness and moved past it then it's not your place to judge. We all have things in our pasts that we regret or wish we'd done differently. In the end you should be focused on the present and the future and where both of you are headed. It would be a shame to throw away a great relationship because of something that happened a long time ago.

Focus on how you can love and support her now and let this go.

 

[elenore]

Your g/f has had sex. End of story. Oral sex is still sex.

It's also perverted.

God can forgive her, but don't underestimate the backlash. We may be forgiven of our sins, but that doesn't mean the consequences go away automatically.

Most christians that have had sex want someone who hasn't. It's human nature. Therefore they can be very big on the 'I've been forgiven' thing. Regardless. Even very genuine and nice ones.

Christians who haven't had sex, can consequently, be very, very naive in this area. It makes a dangerous combination.

Be very, very careful. I'd strongly suggest that you pray about this and ask God what he wants you to do in the situation.

 

[elenore]

PS. It does break up christian marriages, and cause great heartache in others. Great, great heartache.