Update

[anewday]

I hope everyone is staying well and healthy with everything going on in the world today. I filed for divorce from my husband in January. I tried building trust with him a little after, but my gut told me something was off so I kept my distance, even though most of the abuse stopped after I told him I filed. I told him I would wait to serve him as well, since he was so remorseful. Well, I waited almost two months to see if I would have a change of heart, and didn't get him served until about two weeks before the coronavirus shut everything down here. A cop came by our place a week before, but hubby wasn't here. Now everything is on hold. We get along great as roommates and he gives me space, which is great. Sometimes I miss being close to him, then I remember how he was and want none of the abuse back in my life. I no longer get as anxious or have a sick feeling in my stomach anymore, which tells me I'm making the right choice. We don't talk about it, but as soon as this is all over I'm continuing with the divorce. Not sure if I'm looking for advice, just a little stir crazy and miss talking to my coworkers....

 

[Carl Emerson]

Just a caution, if you file for divorce you will have folks insisting you cant marry again in the future. Have you considered the option to simply move out at this stage? I may be out of touch with your situation so forgive me if my comment is out of place. When I was faced with divorce as my wife was living with my best friend, I had clear guidance not to assist the divorce process, this gave me confidence to marry again ten years later as I did not break the marriage covenant. There is a big difference between initiating divorce and being divorced. I am praying for you, it is a gastly and difficult journey. I feel for you.

 

[anewday]

I already had a friend tell me if she were in my situation and went through with it, she wouldn't remarry again. I thought about moving out at the beginning of the year, but we just got this place and live in a very expensive area. I moved back here to be close to family, but it has been hard financially. We talked about the living situation and are both planning on staying until the lease is up (unless things go south between us in the next year....). I have been wanting to divorce him for a long time, and now that I'm going through with it and he knows how I feel, I feel better and am at peace (mostly) about this...

 

[Carl Emerson]

May the Lord lead you in His wisdom.

 

[NerdGirl]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine! The lack of trust in my situation isn't about fidelity, but honesty, responsibility, financial security, etc. I also feel like my husband and I are good roommates at this point. No physical intimacy for years, we live in separate rooms and sleep apart. It's not a marriage, there is no closeness, we are not "one". All of my concerns and worries get dismissed, so I live in a constant state of anxiety and depression because I feel helpless and hopeless. It's been this way for a long time, and it's come to a point where I feel I need to take a stand for my own mental well being and my own future. Like you, remarriage or "another man" is not even a thought in my head right now. I don't think I'd ever go through it again, but that's in God's hands. I wouldn't be leaving so I can find another man, I'd be leaving so I don't wind up suicidal with despair and regret.

 

[anewday]

Yeah, I dunno if I would ever do this again. I'd rather be alone than live this way anymore. We got in an argument today. He's probably forgotten about it, but I'm still hurting from it. I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I have a really hard time standing up for myself. I need to work on speaking up.

 

[NerdGirl]

I'm sorry to hear that you had an argument *hugs*. I'm also incredibly sensitive. It took a lot of courage for me to speak up for myself today, and I just cried when he responded rather dismissively, because there was no feeling of "I'm sorry you're hurting, I'm sorry you feel this way, I love you and I'm willing to listen and work on this together". It was more "I don't understand why you feel this way, it doesn't make any sense to me". So I just felt invalidated and irrational. But at least I tried. That's all I can do.

 

[anewday]

I'm sorry he responded that way, but so glad you told him how you feel. My husband use to blame me and manipulate those kind of conversations where I was the one apologizing. Now he actually listens to what I have to say, but half the time I don't believe him since things have gone on for so long. Like you said, at least you told him how you feel.