Hello everyone!
This is my first time posting, but I have been reading these forums for a while now. I've never had the courage to make a post, since I've never been sure about what I believe. I hope this is the right subsection; I'm just reaching out to a community that I feel could perhaps help me out a bit.
A little about me: I've grown up in an entirely non-religious family. I've never attended church (except for the church camp when I was about 7) and I don't have the ability to yet; my driving skills are pretty bad right now
For no reason recently I've started to think about religion, specifically thinking about God and Jesus and everthing like that (hence the reading of practically every thread on these forums
), and for one reason or another it's just "appealing" to me. Something seems right about it. I guess that's not the best way to put it, but it's something like that. It has an attraction that I just can't shake no matter how hard I try. Another weird fact is that I've never prayed in a "conventional" sense. Recently I've just started talking out loud to God, usually just before bed, as if I were talking to a best friend. It just works for me, and I don't feel as insecure as I would conventionally praying. But I'm new and I really don't know how to do things.
Here's my issue: I THINK I believe in God and that Jesus is our saviour, and I WANT to believe. I really do want to. But looking on from another thread, I've seen that most of you think that "Trying" to have faith isn't the right way to go about doing it. I've tried. I have. But my capacity to try really isn't anything to be proud of. So what I've seen is that you think people like me should just have pure and plain "Faith". I mean, I have faith in God and Jesus. Well, that's the other big thing. I only THINK I have faith. I don't know if I do. I've always second-guessed myself about everythng, and apparently right now, this is no different. It's unsettling for me; I really do want to have undying faith in God, it's just hard when you don't know how.
But then I doubt myself even further. Why would I be important to anyone? I probably cause more trouble than most people you know, and having the honor of having faith in God is just... too "amazing", for someone like me. It's sort of like the bad kid in school who gets the "best student of the month award", and knows that they shouldn't get it based on who've they've been.
I guess my question to anyone who feels like answering is:
"What do you think I should do? Should I keep trying and wanting it, or stop trying to make myself believe?"
I know I haven't explained it well, but currently I have 1001 thoughts just flying through my mind with no hint of slowing down.
Kindest regards,
Cyp