Unpardonable sin and OCD (Christians, please help)

[PARCmd]

Hi! To fellow Christians, please read the entire story below – thanks!

I have an OCD for almost 7 years already. For the first three years, it was purely Compulsions (no obsessive thoughts or whatnot). It simply disappeared or became very subtle during my college years (next four years). It resurfaced just late this month – not as Compulsions – but as Obsessions.

I have been terrified and fearful because of the on-going war (OCD) on my head for the past two weeks, but when I read in the Net that those (the uncontrollable thoughts) are forgivable, I was greatly relieved – however, my OCD started branching out into different directions – like trying to cancel out the incoming blasphemous thoughts by thinking about it and thinking about the “not” after it – that sort of cancels it. One thing, however, that happened, is that it became furiously out of control, and maybe at times, it is me who initiates those thoughts – not an obsession, but probably a real thought – by me. This adds to my guilt and fear that maybe I have committed the unforgivable sin – because it just happens that I think about those blasphemous thoughts and the word “not” (to cancel it) not actually to cancel an incoming blasphemous thought, but just because it became a habit.

While the occasional obsessions or unwanted thoughts that spring out of the OCD mind (regardless of how blasphemous they are) are universally accepted as forgivable, there are some modifications in my OCD that I think may lead or may even be THE unpardonable sin:

1. As stated above, I cancel incoming blasphemous thoughts by thinking about them and the word “not” subsequently. Sometimes though, I forget to think about the word “not”. And what’s worse – it just became sort of a habit to me – thinking about blasphemous thoughts and the word “not” and sometimes forgetting to say the word “not”.

2. I was sitting on my bed yesterday, when suddenly a thought popped out of my mind – I do not know if it was indeed mine or of the OCD – it just sort of popped. It was a blasphemous thought, and then I said (thought) “not” seconds after to cancel that. Was it indeed canceled?

3. Later, wanting to check if I really did that, I tried to repeat what happened – and through this, I repeated the blasphemous thought and forgot to say “not” – which I did thought of only 5 seconds after.

4. When I was going to sleep, my head was suddenly filled with the urge (again, I don’t know if the urge was mine or the OCD’s – AND I’M REALLY AFRAID BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE MINE) to think about a thought like this: “[The blasphemy]…[not]” (Given this, the blasphemy is canceled, right?), so I thought about it. Then something just went to my mind - an urge to think about the word “not” (This cancels the initial one, thus making the blasphemy true) – I thought about it, to my horror. I did not know why I thought about it – or why did I have such an urge to do so. I immediately repeated the word “not” after a few seconds. – so I went to sleep extremely guilty and fearful.

5. As I was getting up from bed the next day, another blasphemous thought happened (I don’t know if it was me or the OCD which started it) – I thought about the word “not” – canceling the blasphemy…

6. But then, it was followed by another, which is another bad blasphemy, after which I thought “not” again – but suddenly it morphed from a blasphemy to one which is, well, still a blasphemy, but with a word “not” inserted in it – I was still canceling the first thought with my “nots” when this second thought (to which the first one morphed into) appeared– and since the second one had a “not”, when I think about the word “not” again, it would make the blasphemy true. The problem with this, is that since I’m half-asleep and half-awake, I was still thinking repeatedly about the word “not” to cancel the first blasphemy when this second thought happened – making this second blasphemy true (to my extreme horror).

7. I was going to the bank to pay some dues during 10 AM when I had the same thoughts again with #6 (above). However, the initial blasphemy, after I canceled it by thinking about the word “not”, was again morphed (I don’t know if it was me or my OCD – I really don’t know) – into another blasphemy, sporting a word “not” after it – which effectively cancels it. However, as I was still caught with the initial thought, I kept on repeating the word “not” in my head to cancel it (like the situatin above), even when the second thought (containing the word “not” in it) appeared – which, again, effectively makes the blasphemy true. Thing is, the “not” word has been repeated several times, which makes me doubt whether or not I’ve canceled these thoughts (same with # 6, above).

If it is possible, please answer per item if those thoughts indeed are the UNPARDONABLE sin (or if it was canceled) and if you had experiences with this. Did you have experiences of these?

What really makes me worried is that – maybe God has abandoned me or maybe He would not forgive me – or worse, maybe I am really meant to go to hell someday.

I am due to take the Medical Entrance Examinations in the coming weeks, and if these feelings inside me persisted, I fear that I might not make the grade that I need – I couldn’t even study well or process information at this point. On the other hand, I also have a worry that I might have committed the unpardonable sin.

I’m an honest Christian; I don’t do drugs or stuff like that. I’ve been brought up in a Bible-believing Christian family (dad is Baptist, mom is Evangelical), and my parents do Mission work. I believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ and in the Bible. And of course, I’ve seen God work through my life before this resurgence of my OCD. That’s it – but then, I’m dead worried that I might not be go to Heaven someday, or that God might not help me in the upcoming Medicine Entrance Examinations and stuff like that because of the stuff I mentioned above.

One thing I’m sure of is that I’m totally a wreck right now – keeping on thinking if I’m still saved – and those situations (urges) above, particularly Numbers 1-7, might actually be a product of my VERY OWN thinking (not of the OCD) – leading to unpardonable sin. I am deeply worried right now – I don’t even have joy. Maybe I won’t be happy again in my entire life. I can’t even distinguish between my very own thoughts and that of the OCD – maybe I have been all along committing the Unpardonable Sin.

[After two weeks of these intense OCD in my head, my OCD symptoms are gradually starting to clear up (thank God!), but I still don’t know if I have committed the unpardonable sin and if I’m going to Heaven someday.

I would also like to know if you also had problems distinguishing between your own thoughts and that of the OCD.
Thanks and God Bless!

 

[gracealone]

Hi ParcMD,

I'm glad you already know that you have OCD and how it causes compulsions/anxiety because this will help you to see how what it currently happening to you is OCD of the pure "O" variety. The difference is that now the compulsions are in your head manifested by "rumination". I want to respond to some of your comments below in order to help you begin to recognize as well as treat this as OCD instead of a spirtual problem. I've fought this same battle with OCD and it's mentally excruciating so I understand your pain as well as your great desire to have reassurance.


– like trying to cancel out the incoming blasphemous thoughts by thinking about it and thinking about the “not” after it – that sort of cancels it.

Here you used the words "cancel out". This is classic OCD behavior. We try to cancel out or undo the thing that is causing the fear and anxiety in our brain. Whether it is an outward compulsion such as hand washing or an inner mental compulsion like you saying the word, "not" it is still a classic symptom of OCD. I'm sure you are familiar with the term - "magical thinking". This is the category that you thinking the word "not" after the unwanted/intrusive thought pops into your head falls in to.

One thing, however, that happened, is that it became furiously out of control, and maybe at times, it is me who initiates those thoughts –

You said "maybe", over and over in your post which is also a huge indicator that this is OCD. (Of course the classic twist that OCD throws at us after we recognise this is to begin to suggest that "maybe" we are wrong and it's not the OCD but us, really doubting really disbelieving really blaspheming etc. etc.) Remember OCD is called, "The doubting disease".

there are some modifications in my OCD that I think may lead or may even be THE unpardonable sin:

With OCD there will always be one more fearful possiblity -"modification", that demands one more reassurance which brings about temporary relief until yet another possibility pops up which keeps driving the OCD machine to find more and more reassurance. There is this continual effort to gain some sort of certainty but that continual effort and reassurance seeking only gets the thoughts more stuck in our brain which then of course fools us into believing that they must be terribly urgent, important and then we begin to believe that they just might be valid.
1. As stated above, I cancel incoming blasphemous thoughts by thinking about them and the word “not”

The way out of this is to stop trying to cancel out the blasphemous thoughts. To ignore them even though their presence in your head causes you tremendous anxiety.

I do not know if it was indeed mine or of the OCD – it just sort of popped.

This is why the thoughts are referred to as "spikes". They just suddenly ram there way into our consciousness as unwanted intruders.

3. Later, wanting to check if I really did that,

Ah yes... "checking". Another, insightful, person on our forum has pointed out the the checking of the person with pure "O" OCD is still an effort to gain certainty. Just like the person with OCD who has a need to repeatedly check to make sure a door is locked those of us with "religious OCD" will often do mental checking to be sure that our faith is locked.
Checking is another classic symptom of OCD whether the checking is an outward compulsion or a inner mental compulsion. The solution again is to stop the checking.

However, the initial blasphemy, after I canceled it by thinking about the word “not”, was again morphed (I don’t know if it was me or my OCD – I really don’t know) – into another blasphemy, sporting a word “not” after it – which effectively cancels it.

Saying the word "not" is only a compulsive activity which you devised to try and ease the anxiety. I does not actually "cancel out" anything any more than repeatedly checking to make sure a door is locked actually locks it. The door is still locked whether you check it or not. The word "not" has now become a part of the initial fear and as you can see it is no longer a reassuring mental activity as the OCD doubting machine will always find one more way to keep you in a state of continual anxiousness. So now you are here trying to find yet another way out of it.
But the only way out is to treat the disorder as OCD by using the most effective forms of therapy and for many of us, medication.

If it is possible, please answer per item if those thoughts indeed are the UNPARDONABLE sin (or if it was canceled) and if you had experiences with this. Did you have experiences of these?

I am quite willing to bet that even if I was to give you a thousand reassurances that you had not committed the unpardonable sin that you would still be troubled. I believe that deep down you really know these unwanted/intrusive spikes cannot undo the work of Christ on the cross for you which is "finished". What is confusing you is the intense emotional anxiety that accompanies the thoughts and the fact that they are now in your head day and night. It is this that is causing you to feel the need to give them your utmost attention. They are nothing but the instrusive horrific phantoms of OCD. They are not true or valid or welcomed by you. You must learn to treat them as such. Give them no attention whatsoever no matter how they try to haunt you.


What really makes me worried is that – maybe God has abandoned me or maybe He would not forgive me – or worse, maybe I am really meant to go to hell someday.

Yes.. I too have had the same horrible thoughts that you are describing. But I have and am still learning that the only way to deal with this is to just ignore the thoughts.
Then I've taken my therapy a step further by encouraging the thoughts but only when I choose too. This is just like the person whose OCD centers on fear of germs and contamination can only get better by gradually exposing themselves to those things even though to do so causes them intense anxiety. I invite the thoughts in and say "go ahead and do your worse... tell me that I'm going to hell and I'll not flinch". This does not mean that I don't experience anxiety what it does mean is that I don't give the thoughts the attention that they are demanding. I just let them be there without starting up the mental debating, checking, ruminating, etc.. Then I just walk on one foot in front of the other one step at at time in my desire to serve Christ to the best of my ability, to follow Him with volitional obedient faith. This choice is always available to us even with the thoughts floating around in our heads.

Learn all you can about Exposure/Response therapy for the pure "O" form of OCD. I've attempted to explain how to apply it by my responses to your post but not exhaustively.
Finally.. I know your pain as I've been there and still fall into that trap from time to time, but usually not for very long if I begin to apply these techniques for treating OCD.
I will be praying for you as you go to take your exams.
I don't know if you see a Doctor for your OCD or take meds. but if not it's important that you go and open up about your current struggles and get professional advice about how to manage your disorder.
May the Lord Bless you also.
Mitzi

 

[marcb]

Gracealone wrote:

"I am quite willing to bet that even if I was to give you a thousand reassurances that you had not committed the unpardonable sin that you would still be troubled. I believe that deep down you really know these unwanted/intrusive spikes cannot undo the work of Christ on the cross for you which is "finished". What is confusing you is the intense emotional anxiety that accompanies the thoughts and the fact that they are now in your head day and night. It is this that is causing you to feel the need to give them your utmost attention. They are nothing but the instrusive horrific phantoms of OCD. They are not true or valid or welcomed by you. You must learn to treat them as such. Give them no attention whatsoever no matter how they try to haunt you."


Amen, Mitzi. Well said, sister!

 

[HeatherG]

Hi ParcMD,

I haven't got much time to post a reply but I have read your whole post and it pretty much sums up everything I know about classic scrupulosity OCD. I can 100% relate to what you are going through and have been there for many years (praise God not any more!). Do take time to read the replies from Mitzi and Marc. I totally agree with everything they have said. You have a wonderful advantage in that you have only had these thoughts for 2 weeks and you already found this forum. Many of us didn't even know we had OCD till after suffering with it for years. The main advice I would have is:

1. Don't fight it and don't try to block the thoughts out, even though everything within you is telling you to. The more you fight with it, the more your brain places importance on these thoughts and will get stuck on them. Instead, allow the thoughts to be there, but in the background. Pay no attention to them. Do not try to figure out if it was you or the OCD. Do not try to cancel them out by saying "Not" (but if "Not" does come into your head by accident that doesn't matter either). Instead, IGNORE THE THOUGHTS! They have no value. They are just OCD symptoms. When you first try ignoring the thoughts your anxiety will rise. However, later it will fall. If you feel guilty for ignoring the thoughts, remember: you are ignoring them because this can help you overcome your OCD. This is similar to the exposure and response therapy that Mitzi told you about.

2. Do go for professional help. And remember it is a disease not a spiritual problem, even though it doesn't feel that way.

3. Keep visiting this forum. There are some wonderful people here who are very supportive and have been/are where you are now.

I know the absolute terror that these thoughts bring. I have been there. There is hope. I will pray for you.

Heather

 

[OptimisticSmile]

I have been there before. You are where I was several weeks before going on my first foreign mission trip. I woke up while oversees and the battle had followed me. when I got home it was even worse because I thought that Id have this amazing experience (involving feelings) while on the trip and I would come home completely assured. the opposite happened.

You must continue on in your walk regardless of how you feel. I went to Moldova feeling damned and ungenuine. I even thought I commited the unpardonable sin there yet God used that experience to months later show me that I was used and that it was in his strength and out of love that he chose for me to go there.

mind you I still struggle with everything you mentioned from time to time. Trust God he has a personalized way to help you withj it. for me it was providing me with my future wife who had dealt with OCD in aformer boyfreind. she told me to pray for God to show me I am his. when God moved her to decide to marry me that was his way of showing me that he had not cast me off and he realy is in my life.

I have had to deal with the blasphemous thoughts I had. I know they are forgiven yet I sometimes wonder because they seem so awful. I let my view of God get twisted so badly.

this forum really got me through the tough times.

I would reciommmed this book for you

"the hidden smile of God" I forgot the author but I think its John Piper.