Unkindness

[Entertaining_Angels]

Our eight year old is very sensitive and because of his issues seems a bit quirky to other kids his age. His speech is stilted and he is very black and white. He's been to the point of tears because other kids won't obey the rules which is one reason we're homeschooling. Even though he is very smart, he'd get poor grades because he'd be so focused on making sure everybody around him was taking the test correctly or doing their work correctly (i.e. feet under desk). We wouldn't put him in public school because he'd be eaten alive but I find just sometimes in kids groups or at the playground some kids are really mean. This crushes his spirit and he draws inward. Anybody else deal with this? It can leave me in tears because I just love him so much and he is such a special boy.

 

[Judilyn]

Hi Oregal,Although I can't relate to your problem specifically I sure do understand how your heart is breaking. We have a daughter who we adopted who is emotionally challenged, Has slight Reactive Attachment Disorder and severe ADHD. Along with other problems she is really bossy and this makes other kids not like her. For the last 2 years no one has shown up at her birthday parties and we invited the whole class!In order to spare her this heartbreak again we told her that next year her birthday would be only for 2 or 3 friends but really special. With 2 or 3 friends I can be sure they will show up by asking the right people.Anyway church/ children's ministry has been great for her. She really fits in there. Her boldness when it comes to skits/praise and worship is so incredibale that the other kids really look up to her.Having the right counselor has done wonders for her. Does your son see a counselor? If so don't be afraid to keep searching if the present one does not seem to be meeting his needs.IF not I would suggest that you find a counselor for him. They will work on social skills and other things that will help him make friends.Our daughter use to attend a small private christian grade school. It was a great school but could not meet her special needs in math. we had to switch her but she is getting a lot of extra help now.And of course I have been on my knees before God for her. Have your ever read "The Power of a Praying Parent"? The prayers in that book have really helped us alot with her needs. Anyway, I feel for you and your child. Before I had children I worked in a special ed department at a local highschool. I wouldn't think twice about sticking up for my students. One time during prom I helped several of them find the right clothing, drove them to prom and chaperoned all night. They had the time of their lives! One of the girls said I was her Fairy Godmother becaue she did not think she'd ever get to go to the prom.Your child is so blessed to have you as a mom.BlessingsEj

 

[RooMama]

Well, since my guy is so little, I haven't really had to deal with unkindness from his peers, yet, but I've had a lot of insensitive and thoughtless comments tossed my way.

 

[Judilyn]

Well, since my guy is so little, I haven't really had to deal with unkindness from his peers, yet, but I've had a lot of insensitive and thoughtless comments tossed my way.

I can imagine. I have a good friend who has a daughter who has multiple challenges. Once she told me that her next door neighbor continually ask "can she do anyting yet"? But My friend is such a postive person that she began answering her and telling her the little things they saw each day that gave them hope like, today we changed her feeing tube and trach and she was so calm through it.
People should follow the "Thumper Rule", "If you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all"

 

[Mayzoo]

Sweetie looks perfectly normal from the outside. During bad episodes we can get some nasty looks from strangers.

Sweetie sometimes has verbal outbursts in public, and she is not yet potty trained due to medical reasons (she can't control her bladder sphincter). We get looks from many other adults that you I can tell imply I am a lazy parent for not having her potty trained yet, and letting her "get by" with verbal outbursts. What those adults can't know is that these verbal outbursts are due to knife like pain in her neck/shoulder that go away as fast as they come--so she may scream-then be fine. Or, the other verbal outbursts are due to sensory issues where she is trying to self soothe when she is overloaded. We don't use any negative responses to either of these specific kinds of outbursts. Other adults look at me like "can't you control your child," "why aren't you discipling her "or "what a lazy parent she must be".

I try to keep in my mind that these people stare or comment out of ignorance, and turn my other check. I feel no need to explain myself or my child to others that disagree or disapprove.

My husband has been known to look at the disapproving stranger and tell our daughter (in a loving tone) "I know you can yell louder than that!!." I don't encourage his bahviour, but it is how he chooses to cope with strangers.

Mayzoo

 

[If Not For Grace]

I have a family member with special needs--who is completely unaware that he is not "normal". He knows he has a speech impediment but is in complete denial over development issues. What do you do when your child turns 16 and wants to drive, date "like others" or go to outings w/o parental accompaniment where you fear others will not be aware or conscientious of their needs?

How do you balance being over-protective with being realistic?

 

[sreno7]

Who defines what is normal? One of my university instructors is horrified that we try to turn autistic children into "normal" people when they have their own gifts.
Eventually our children need to live in the real world and there is social skills training available. In our province every child with autism gets government funding for support and many parents hire autism intervention workers.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Thanks for the statement, but that does not move a shovel of dirt, what, how, and practical needs are "real world" as you call them issues. The govt can't help if people will not acknowledge an issue or feel somehow ashamed or to blame. Besides cash is nice, but it does not answer ?'s the individual has.

Normal may be hard to define as to what it is, but we all pretty much have an idea of what it is not. It is that living the real world thing--that matters.

 

[sreno7]

not sure I undertand what you are asking. I think it was easier to throw money at the problem and make the parents responsible.

 

[If Not For Grace]

I'm asking what you tell the child who is convinced she can pass a driver's test that it is not in her best interest to drive because she is unable to make appropriate choices under pressure.

OR Dating, how do you handle sex issues with a special needs child?

How to you balance the child's feelings against the "truth" of how cold people and the world can be?

Example: People are making her the butt of their jokes, but she wants so desperately to be part of the group she allows herself to be used as a doormat to fetch, give away money, etc just to have "friends".

She wants to wear makeup, but looks like a clown time she is finished putting it own, but she thinks she looks cute and wants to go to school that way.

People unfortunately take advantage, how do you guard against this w/o being a terrible mother hen?

 

[willmrcd1]

God Bless You,

I can relate my son is 13 years old and he has autism/bipolar and he does go to public school. He is different and therefore children laugh at him and see his view as odd. Children can be mean I witnessed it and yes it always brings tears to my eyes and hurts like a dagger. How I pray that he would have 1 friend. He is smart and he is verbal, but his conversations are odd and different. I'm afraid I don't have the answers as to why people can be so cruel, but I know this that Jesus loves these children. Our children are special and are truly bless. They have parents who love the Lord and love them unconditionally. I know that as a young child I always craved love and affection from parents, but it was to no avail and I was " normal" and so I thought.

I pray that you will not be so discouraged. I know it is easy to say that, but hold onto the Lord's promises and speak it into in existence.

Lord I ask that you will bless my sister and that you will comfort during this time. Lord I ask that you will give my sister strength and new insight of how to raise her daughter up. Lord I pray that she will not worry or be anxious, but in all things turn to You for help through prayer and petition. Lord I know You have plans to prosper and not to harm. Thank you that even now you are making a way for this special family. In Jesus name, amen.

 

[sunshiinedays]

My daughter has some developmental issues and the other kids think she's quirky. This is one of the reasons I decided to homeschool. She does have a lot of friends because she is very social and outgoing. I roleplay a lot of social situations with her and have spent a lot of time helping her to develop socially. She knows she's a little different from the other kids, and cannot understand why some things are so hard for her but easy for everyone else, and it hurts so much to see her struggle at times.

 

[Judilyn]

ONe thing that is real hard for us is that our daughter has lots of emotoinal difficulties that lead to behavior problems that many don't see. We see them because we are the ones that are closest to her. She steals and lies all the time so we are working on rebuilding TRUST.She had a great summer and came a long long way. Things were going GREAT and then she decided to steal money from me. Talk about having the air let out of your balloon.

 

[Mayzoo]

My daughter only being 4, I have not had to cross many of the social bridges others of you have. My daughter is still at the age that for the most part that everyone thinks everything she does is "cute."

We are also going to homeschool. For many of the reasons listed in this post. Additionally, she has balance issues, and falls of her own accord--let alone how frequently she would fall in a larger gathering.

dyanm--how old is your daughter cognitively? Can the two sit down, and approach any of these issues from the angle of "How can we best solve this issue?" Like a brainstorming session--I imagine I am not very helpful, sorry.

I will think about this some more, and hopefully come back with some helpful advice.

 

[If Not For Grace]

She's not my daughter, but my niece and she's 22--her parents do the best they can, but I suspect she is sexually active and they seem in denial on this one (I think it's just in comprehensive to them she has these desires, they still see her as a little girl)

Just like the poster above

Things were going GREAT and then

is a regular part of their vocabulary, trust and outbursts are an issue. She is a financial drain on them and they just don't have all the answers. She does not get a disability check (She is pretty highly functional on some levels) because they don't want her to wear the "labels" of special. She always struggled behind (nearly failing, summer schools and tutors) in school but now she wants a car and to drive, she's pretty and the boys flock to her for a little while, some of them call her a "natural blond" (a joke on her intellect), they say she is ditzy and moody and soon depart--she gets angry, then pouts and moves on the next one and repeats the cycle. One of her "friends" took her to the health department (I hope for Birth Control) a couple of weeks ago. She is hard to handle and a "social" problem..But so full of desires, passions and
sometimes she tries sooo hard, all I can do is echo the People are crude remarks above me...

 

[sreno7]

My daughter says whatever she thinks sometimes it is refreshing as she is an on fire christian, but sometimes it is hurtful to other people so I want to teach her how to say things in love and when to not state her opinion.

 

[If Not For Grace]

I have not even learned that myself.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Do you make special plans for your children in the event of your death? How does that work?