Unfaithful?

[Iridescent]

If someone had told me even a few months ago that I would be suspecting my husband of being unfaithful, or even wanting to be unfaithful, I would have laughed. I have never considered myself a naive person, and I know what the signs of infidelity are, and the signs of internet porn addiction. Never did he show any signs of wanting to stray. Then a few months ago our world shattered: police showed up at our door. My husband's ex wife had made some accusations against him concerning their child together (child is a teenager). Because of this he had to leave our home, otherwise our children together would have been taken away. He swore to me up and down that it was all a lie. I believed him, for many reasons. I'm not gullible or stupid. I never would have allowed him to harm his child, nor would I ever have believed him capable of such a thing. And the ex has a history of trying to pull this. So I've stood by him and supported him. We had to sell our home to pay for attorneys. Although I was never accused of anything I have to take parenting classes and see a psychologist in order to keep our children. So now I'm living in a bug infested hellhole, an overnight single parent, trying to keep it together, stuck in this state that I hate, away from my family,all for him, and last night I found out that he has been soliciting sex from strangers on a site called Adult Friend Finder. I'm so angry!!! He was full of excuses...his roommate pressured him into it, he never met to go through with it, he's lonely, I've been rejecting him physically...blah blah blah. Does he think I'm stupid?????? I'm lonely too! I'm hurt, I'm scared...but I didn't betray him!!!!! What makes it hurt even more is a few years ago I joined an online poetry site and exchanged a few innocent emails with another poet. He put me through hell over that...called his family and staged an 'intervention'. I was beyond humiliated, especially since I had never done anything to deserve that. If I even talk to another man he considers it a betrayal and look what he has done to me. It makes me wonder how long he has been lying to me. He acts like it's no big deal, like I should be over it already. He calls me non stop and I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, I don't want to be with him anymore. I feel that he betrayed our marriage vows and I don't see how I could ever trust him again. Am I overreacting? Is it wrong to feel this way? All I can do is pray and beg God for help. I just don't know what to do.

 

[hope4today]

You are not overacting. Such a betrayal is excruciatingly painful and not easily dealt with. It is not an acceptable situation and the lack of understanding of your pain is an indication of a lack of true repentance. It is impossible to give any real advice without knowing the whole story but I can recommend that you seek some professional counsel to help you through this. This is a traumatic situation and you will experiencing many deep emotions as you go through it. There are things that can really help you and there are things to be aware of so you are not pushed into doing or accepting any situation you are not happy with. There is NO justifiable reason for infidelity.
Remember that no matter how alone, angry, hurt etc you may feel God is ALWAYS with you. It is OK to be totally honest with God about your feelings. He knows them anyway and wants to help you through it.
Find a faithful, trustworthy, confidential friend who can be with you through this. Do you have someoone in a church who can help you?
Remember a huge range of emotions are normal and I recommend you find a safe place where you can work through them.
God loves you and feels your pain and grief like no one else can. Take it all to him.
I will pray for you I understand the pain of betrayal and so does Jesus.

With love, peace and blessings
Hope

 

[Autumnleaf]

Am I overreacting? Is it wrong to feel this way? All I can do is pray and beg God for help. I just don't know what to do.

You are reacting about how I reckon I would. And you're doing what I'd be doing. God always provides whatever we need. Hang in there.

 

[Chrystal-J]

My heart goes out to you! My husband has pulled some horrible things on me--but, your husband is way out there as far as abuse! (And I believe that abuse can be mental--not just physical!)
I would call a "woman's abuse hot-line" if you don't have any money for counseling--or do go to counseling if you can afford it.
I hope things improve for you soon!
C J

 

[CoolWater]

So let me get this straight:
Your husband was accused of doing in appropriate things with his own child, causing your family stability to crumble as he was forced to move out of his home for the protection of your children. As a result, you are forced into therapy and parenting classes because of his folly only to find out that he has thanked your sacrifice by sleeping with people he doesn't know, and then having the audicity to blame his incredibly bad decisions on the fact that you haven't felt desirable towards him?

Now, I have no idea what actually happened between him and his child, but everything that has happened since (in just the tiny bit of info that you have written) seems to point to only one place-- straight back at himself. To say that your husband has been acting utterly selfish is a gross understatement. And your anger, to me, is justified. Completely.

Turning your back on him would be the easy way to go. The logical way to go. And the justified way to go. But would it be the best way? Who else does he have in his life that could lend him any positivity or God-influence? It definitely doesn't sound like his roommate can be counted on for any right advice. If you turn around and leave-- like all just logic alarms you to do-- who else might he have in his life to steer him away from the deep pitch darkness that he has fallen into?

Despite all of the hell that he has put you through, it is apparent to me through your post that you still love him. This is so heartening, and must be a testament to your love of Christ, for how else could you buck the logic that tells you to leave him immediately?

I have no idea what you should do-- except to listen to that small Voice that you know to be right. And if that voice is telling you to scream in anger, then do it. But if that anger subsides, and you find yourself having compassion for the fallen man that years ago fathered your children, well, follow that voice too. Because you know that such a voice, one that foregoes all the logic of this world, is directly from the heart of Christ.

I, too, am in a marriage with someone how has fallen away from the Faith. And I can sympathize with your despair. Peace be with you.

 

[Autumnleaf]

If you can move back to your family with the kids while the courts sort this out it might be the best option. If he gets convicted he could be gone for awhile and you may not want him around your kids.

 

[Iridescent]

So let me get this straight:
Your husband was accused of doing in appropriate things with his own child, causing your family stability to crumble as he was forced to move out of his home for the protection of your children. As a result, you are forced into therapy and parenting classes because of his folly only to find out that he has thanked your sacrifice by sleeping with people he doesn't know, and then having the audicity to blame his incredibly bad decisions on the fact that you haven't felt desirable towards him?

Now, I have no idea what actually happened between him and his child, but everything that has happened since (in just the tiny bit of info that you have written) seems to point to only one place-- straight back at himself. To say that your husband has been acting utterly selfish is a gross understatement. And your anger, to me, is justified. Completely.

Turning your back on him would be the easy way to go. The logical way to go. And the justified way to go. But would it be the best way? Who else does he have in his life that could lend him any positivity or God-influence? It definitely doesn't sound like his roommate can be counted on for any right advice. If you turn around and leave-- like all just logic alarms you to do-- who else might he have in his life to steer him away from the deep pitch darkness that he has fallen into?

Despite all of the hell that he has put you through, it is apparent to me through your post that you still love him. This is so heartening, and must be a testament to your love of Christ, for how else could you buck the logic that tells you to leave him immediately?

I have no idea what you should do-- except to listen to that small Voice that you know to be right. And if that voice is telling you to scream in anger, then do it. But if that anger subsides, and you find yourself having compassion for the fallen man that years ago fathered your children, well, follow that voice too. Because you know that such a voice, one that foregoes all the logic of this world, is directly from the heart of Christ.

I, too, am in a marriage with someone how has fallen away from the Faith. And I can sympathize with your despair. Peace be with you.

Thank you so much for your response. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond to my posts but a couple of these have really jumped out at me and yours is one. I do still love my husband. I see how much he is suffering now and even though he caused it himself it still hurts to see him in such despair. I know that I can forgive him for this but my problem is I don't know that I could ever trust him again. This is not the only time he has lied to me, but I considered the other instances minor things, (like about how much money he spent) and now it leads me to question what else he has been lying about. And it's not just me I have to be concerned about; I have to do the best for my children. I know how much they need their dad in their life but if I can't trust him to make good decisions for them what do I do? I am so lost right now; I don't want to hurt our children's relationship with him. I don't want to punish him for hurting me by withholding the children but I have real concerns that he is just not mature enough to take care of them without supervision. I wish he could just see where I am coming from but he gets defensive and acts like his apologies should be enough. I've told him over and over that actions speak louder than words but he just doesn't get it. There is a verse from Proverbs that keeps running through my head ever since this happened. I need to look up the exact wording but I believe it goes like this: "Trust in the Lord with all of your strength and do not lean on your own understanding....and He will make straight your path." I'm just trying to keep that in my heart right now and take it day by day.

 

[Iridescent]

If you can move back to your family with the kids while the courts sort this out it might be the best option. If he gets convicted he could be gone for awhile and you may not want him around your kids.

I'd give anything to go home but right now the state won't let me. There is supposed to be a transfer to my home state in the works. I'm just praying nothing goes wrong with that because the only person I have here is him and it's increasingly apparent that I can't rely on him. I just want to go home and think-I can't even breathe here.

 

[Iridescent]

My heart goes out to you! My husband has pulled some horrible things on me--but, your husband is way out there as far as abuse! (And I believe that abuse can be mental--not just physical!)
I would call a "woman's abuse hot-line" if you don't have any money for counseling--or do go to counseling if you can afford it.
I hope things improve for you soon!
C J

Thank you-I have a great psychologist who I see weekly. He has really helped me out a lot. He doesn't know about the latest my husband has done yet because I just found out myself this weekend but I'll see him this week. I'm interested to hear what he has to think.