Uncertain

[cherbaby1]

Greetings!! I have NEVER been on a chat line before and I hope I am doing this right! I just had a quick question to ask y'all about courting. I was wondering what you think (and God thinks) about one person in the relationship sharing the issues in the relationship and the other person's personal problems to their parents. Is this healthy? Is there another way?
Thanks for you time and God Bless!!

 

[PolymerTim]

This can be fairly complicated depending on a number of things specific to your situation. I would start by thinking about how this would affect the person you are trying to help. If they told you (or allowed you to see) their problem in trust that you would not tell anyone else, then you may not want to break that trust. However, there are times when the situation may be serious enough that it is best to get outside help anyway. In general, I don't think their is anything wrong with discussing your problems with others, but I would only suggest doing it with the permission of the person who's problems you are discussing.

As you can see, I think it can get pretty complicated depending on your circumstances. My suggestion for most cases would be to talk it over with your significant other first. Try to work things out with them. If that doesn't work and you think other peoples opinions or maybe counseling would help, then strongly consider suggesting this to him to see what he thinks. Only if you feel that the situation is serious and he really needs help would I go to someone else without his permission. Remember that one of the most important things in a relationship is trust and you don't want to do anything that would make him less likely to confide in you in the future. The other bonus is that if you can somehow manage to work through this together (even if you get outside help with his permission) then you will be all that much stronger as a couple.

Just my two-cents. I hope that helps. I'll be praying for you to find the best way though this difficult time.

 

[cherbaby1]

Thanks for your reply. My question was a bit unclear and maybe I should clear it up. I have no problem whatsoever with going to other people when there are issues. I think that is TOTALLY healthy, as long, as you say, you have permission with the other person. My whole concern and question is if the one person always goes to their parents . That is my concern. For example, I am an A type personality that is go go go and I am a full time student on top of putting 30 hours a week helping to plant a church. One week I was so busy I did not have a lot of time for him, and he was so upset and brought it up to his parents. The reason I don't like this, is because I am willing to change etc., but when you tell parents, they have a bias with their child, and they hear their side, and the issue is not resolved with them, since they are not there to resolve it, since it was not their issue in the first place. And bringing it up to them when he is upset makes it look bigger then it really is. I hope this makes sense!!! I think it is great to have parental advice, but the question is, is it appropriate when you are courting? We are more serious now and planning to get engaged this summer. I would personally think it would be best to go to a neutral couple. Maybe I am wrong and not looking at this right. He used to agree with me, but when he asked his parents what they thought, they said that when one is married you dont go to them, but when you are courting you should go to your parents. Maybe they are right. what do you think?
Thanks again for your reply and prayers! That is awesome!

 

[SirKenin]

I think it's fine for him to consult someone. It's good for him to have someone to vent to and get advice. Mind you he would be wise to get both advice from both sides before making his decision. That's what I do. If I have a problem with my fiance, I go to my father. He's a brilliant man when it comes to interpersonal relationships. He should be. He was a teacher for 26 years, and now he's a pastor. Then I go to my fiance and get her side of the story. Prayer is also advised, as well as turning to the Bible for as much info as possible.

Then, and only then, I make a decision. I'm always comfortable with the decision I've made, because I've done the appropriate legwork.

I think it's ok. Let him go to his parents. I think it will take some pressure off your relationship.

 

[Teal]

Confront the issue, talk to him about it.

 

[John the Engineer]

It's ok for him to go to his parents to get advice at this stage of courting, but it is not right for him to go to them once you're married and get them entirely involved in how your marriage is doing. That's what marriage counselors (sp?), pastors, neutral couples (as you said) are for once you're MARRIED!

However, it is an issue if he goes and talks to his parents about it, but doesn't talk to you about it. Remember that if he's going to his parents to sort of clear his head and put the situation out in the air, then maybe he's just looking for a way to clear his head and realize what he's thinking. He's probably wise to do that because that way he doesn't go to you trying to express his emotions before he's really had a chance to process them, and some people have to process emotions by speaking them out with someone.

I would be concerned if he's getting his parents involved to the point that they're the ones bringing his issues to you, or talking to you about his issues. I would also be concerned if he doesn't talk about it at all with you but just leaves it at just talking to his parents (unless the conclusion he comes to is that he's over reacting, not really that concerned about it, he's wrong about it, etc etc etc) But remember there's another component, he has to learn to speak to you directly about things. And if he's taking ALL issues to them and not giving you a chance to work with him directly EVER, then I would also be concerned about it.

Too many details to this story for anyone to say clear cut "wrong or right", so that's my interpretation of it. I would say talking to him is the way you need to work this out. Get to know what he really feels he's doing by this. If he's not speaking to you about it, then why? Why is he not trusting you entirely about his emotions? That's a bad way to go into a marriage. You need open lines of communication if you plan to get engaged, married, and live together and share everything. You can't share everything but your emotions, it doesn't work that way!

 

[cherbaby1]

Thanks everyone for their input! I think you all have very insightful things to share! I appreciate it greatly! I do agree that at this point in our relationship, it is healthy and his parents are great! So thanks for helping me clear that up!!

God Bless you all and thanks for putting in the time to respond!!