(I hope I spelled that correctly!) What are some things, if any, that you feel would be appropriate to give ultimatums about?
-
Starting today August 7th, 2024, in order to post in the Married Couples, Courting Couples, or Singles forums, you will not be allowed to post if you have your Marital status designated as private. Announcements will be made in the respective forums as well but please note that if yours is currently listed as Private, you will need to submit a ticket in the Support Area to have yours changed.
-
CF has always been a site that welcomes people from different backgrounds and beliefs to participate in discussion and even debate. That is the nature of its ministry. In view of recent events emotions are running very high. We need to remind people of some basic principles in debating on this site. We need to be civil when we express differences in opinion. No personal attacks. Avoid you, your statements. Don't characterize an entire political party with comparisons to Fascism or Communism or other extreme movements that committed atrocities. CF is not the place for broad brush or blanket statements about groups and political parties. Put the broad brushes and blankets away when you come to CF, better yet, put them in the incinerator. Debate had no place for them. We need to remember that people that commit acts of violence represent themselves or a small extreme faction.
Ultimatums... A spin off
- Thread starter Mrs. Luther073082
- Start date
eatenbylocusts
Senior Veteran
I believe there is a lot of good stuff in the Boundaries in Dating book by Townsend/Cloud. One might be....if you yell at me one more time I will...... whatever your response is going to be. You need to discuss all of it with the SO beforehand, know that your response is a good, healthy response and follow up. Something that is very hurtfull to me and sets off all kinds of bells and whistles is when you have plans to get together even though you haven't agreed on a time, and the guy doesn't call or show up and doesn't answer the phone. Of course there was no accident or anything, they were usually avoiding what they thought was going to be a conflict because they were too tired to make the date.
Physical boundaries should be in there too. I was always amazed to hear about people who were so intent on serving God that they would break off a relationship with someone they really cared about if boundaries were broken. I couldn't imagine doing that though I admired a guy who did something similar with me even though it was just a kiss and not even a french kiss. It made him all that more attractive to me. But, I did kind of do that recently, but I needed a dash of jealousy thrown in to slap me upside my head.
Tardiness, disrespect, etc........
Physical boundaries should be in there too. I was always amazed to hear about people who were so intent on serving God that they would break off a relationship with someone they really cared about if boundaries were broken. I couldn't imagine doing that though I admired a guy who did something similar with me even though it was just a kiss and not even a french kiss. It made him all that more attractive to me. But, I did kind of do that recently, but I needed a dash of jealousy thrown in to slap me upside my head.
Tardiness, disrespect, etc........
Upvote
0
Luther073082
κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον
- Apr 1, 2007
- 19,202
- 841
- 43
- Faith
- Lutheran
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Others
Marriage
Giving up a bad habit (Like smoking)
Getting help for certain phychological issues.
Physical Shape & Excersize (I don't think this should be over reactive, but it does affect one's SO if someone they are looking at marrying completly lets themselves go)
Other physical issues such as how hair is kept, tattoos etc (Again I don't think this should be overreactive, but if my GF suddenly decided to color her hair green I would be very unhappy about it.)
Giving up a bad habit (Like smoking)
Getting help for certain phychological issues.
Physical Shape & Excersize (I don't think this should be over reactive, but it does affect one's SO if someone they are looking at marrying completly lets themselves go)
Other physical issues such as how hair is kept, tattoos etc (Again I don't think this should be overreactive, but if my GF suddenly decided to color her hair green I would be very unhappy about it.)
Upvote
0
A
Adonaija
Guest
I second the opinion that the Cloud/Towsend Book on Boundaries is an example of "healthy boundaries." I think the symantics of boundaries/ultimatums are being confused here.
Upvote
0
justaGUYnamedROB
If anything could ever be this good again...
In my experience, if things ever progress to the point where one or both of the partners feel like they need to issue ultimatums, the relationship is pretty much on its deathbed.
Issuing the ultimatum itself is just a nail in the coffin.
Issuing the ultimatum itself is just a nail in the coffin.
Upvote
0
Writer Chick
Blessed & Grateful
I don't think there's ever an appropriate time to give an ultimatum. However, there is often an appropriate time to accept responsibilities for your part in the situation and then make efforts to correct it.
It's counterproductive to manipulate or threaten an adult into doing something s/he doesn't really want to do. Even if a person agrees to an ultimatum, they STILL don't want to do _____ deep inside so what's the point? The heart will determine the eventual action anyway. If that person loves you, they will be open to hearing what you have to say and will be willing to, at the very least, compromise.
It's counterproductive to manipulate or threaten an adult into doing something s/he doesn't really want to do. Even if a person agrees to an ultimatum, they STILL don't want to do _____ deep inside so what's the point? The heart will determine the eventual action anyway. If that person loves you, they will be open to hearing what you have to say and will be willing to, at the very least, compromise.
Upvote
0
i think i agree wth waxilion and writer... i think if it ever came to the point where i even felt the need to give an ultimatum then it'd be time to end the relationship. i just don't believe it should ever hang on one persons shoulders to be responsible to keep the relationship going, and if i was really that unhappy with him then there's no point in trying to force him to change for me. i can make him aware of the situation and i hope he would do the same with me if something i was doing or not doing was upsetting him that much. but we change our behaviour and such for the people we love because we love them and want them to be happy, not because they forced us to.
Upvote
0
hmm maybe i'm misunderstanding the question... it sounds like some people are taking it to mean dealbreakers not ultimatums. To me a deal breaker is just something that i cannot and will not tolerate in a relationship. I cannot and will not tolerate abuse in a relationship, for instance. But that goes from the beginning of the relationship, if he hits me once, or otherwise abuses me once, its over.
to me an ultimatum is taking something about the person and forcing him to choose between that thing and me. say he's a gamer, and i knew that going into the relationship and decided one day that its either the games or me. sort of a different picture than a deal breaker.
but i think MCN needs to clairfy
to me an ultimatum is taking something about the person and forcing him to choose between that thing and me. say he's a gamer, and i knew that going into the relationship and decided one day that its either the games or me. sort of a different picture than a deal breaker.
but i think MCN needs to clairfy
Upvote
0
Similar threads
