Ugh... depressing obsession

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi everyone, I haven't been around in awhile, but lately my OCD has taken a new twist...I shouldn't be surprised, huh?

It started when my husband and I bought our new house. We are both 25 yrs old and though we've been married for over a year, in some ways buying our first home made me really feel older... this is something grown ups do and I've "finally" reached that stage in mymind. This triggered some thoughts about dealing with my parent's eventual death. They are relatively young (in their mid 50s), and from then it spiraled into a fear of death (probably really a fear of the "unknown,") which of course plays off of my religious obsessions great... "if it's not really real then I can't find comfort in heaven" says my OCD.

My husband's grandfather passed away yesterday and my OCD has been in high gear. What happens when we die, the thought of "forever"and ceasing to exist seems so scary. As a Christian I know I should find comfort in worshipping Christ for eternity in heaven,but then my religious obsessions ("you're not really a believer," "God isn't real," etc.) act up. I hate feeling this way. I want to find joy in Christ, not fear.

Help.

 

[babegirl111]

Honey, I know how you feel. Sometimes I get scared too, but I know that I am supposed to trust in the WORD and BELIEVE! It is going to get hard sometimes, your belief might even get to you, but even people without OCD experience problems like these! That is when Faith comes and steps in. FAITH is one thing that you should always think about when you are doubting. Remember WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT! Just keep praying girl! We are all here for you and I will continue to pray for you. LOVE YA AND GOD BLESS YA!

 

[OptimisticSmile]

i can totally relate. I looked at my Grandfather in his casket knowing he was in heaven with Jesus yet my OCD was saying "you dont really believe in heaven do you and if you dont believe in heaven you must not believe in God either"

it sucks but i try to find positive things of it being that I am usually very optimistic about everything. Paul is a great example of an optimist in affliction.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Thanks for the responses. Optimistic, that's exactly how my thought process goes, too. Like "if you really believed then you would find comfort in death, not fear or sadness," which of course just makes me feel really bad. Then I try to find a reassuring feeling, but it never lasts long. The only thing I really can do is pray that God eases my mind and allows me some peace from this for a time being. I don't know why, but it works every time, and usually I end up feeling way less anxious and worried the rest of the evening. Then I wake up and feel anxious again.

I don't even really know what I'm scared of. I try to tell myself "If heaven exists, that's wonderful, but if not, I'll be dead anyway so I won't care!" Haha. But then that sort of reassuring talk just leads me into this whole "meaning of life" and "why are we here" obsessing. It even invades my dreams! Last night I dreamt that I was looking at a mansion to buy and I thought "why does it matter? I'm going to die anyway." I don't want to go around life thinking that way.

I look at other Christians and I think "why can't I live my life in joy like they do?" and it comes full circle to "well you don't really believe so you might as well give up."

How depressing.

 

[BeccaLynn]

I've been going through something similar lately. That life constantly is changing is something that has been really difficult for me to face for a few weeks now. I wake up around 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. and start stressing over my age (37!), my parent's age (they are both over 60 now), the wrinkles around my eyes, my son not being so little anymore (he'll be 8), the presidential elections which are really scary to me this year, etc., etc., . . . I think it has really hit me for the first time that people in my life now aren't always going to be here. Of course, I've always known that, but it's hit me on a new level lately. Somehow when we're children, we always feel things are going to stay the same. But, when we "grow up" and life gets more real to us, it can be really hard to deal with. I think that the terminal illness of an uncle (my dad's brother) has spiked some of this. I don't know any miracle words to say, and since we don't typically feel the peace and joy we think others do, it can sure intensify our emotions. I'll be praying for you. We have to know that God knows us better than we know ourselves, and He is right here with us holding us in the palm of His capable hands.

Rebecca

 

[stacii]

Sad! Oh my goodness I just went through the EXACT same thing when my son was born three weeks ago. I'm 25 and just had my first kid and for some reason watching my parents hold him reminded me that the wheel of life is really turning fast here and that they are going to die one day...which means I'm going to die one day too.

I freaked out for like 2 weeks. Religious obsessions started coming back and everything. I thought I was developing some sort of post partum depression or something.

Isn't it weird how at times you can sort of face mortality with confidence, but when your OCD is in control it totally changes how you look at death and eternity? It takes God's promise of eternal life and replaces it with dread.

I cannot even believe you posted this thread...my experience is practically 100% the same...even down to our ages and some major life changes....crazy...

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Yes, yes, absolutely! Rebecca, like you said... I have always known about death. It's not some surprise to me, but for some reason, the older I get, the faster life seems to fly by, and I'm left what feels like I'm "mourning" for my youth (college days) when life seemed much slower. It seems like it hit me one day, that yeah, I'm going to die. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I truly believed Christ's second coming would occur before I died. Thinking back, I have always believed that. As I get older and the more I understand about the second coming, I realize that it may not happen. Then, I am left to face death. Thank you for your prayers. I had a feeling you would understand.

Stacii, I'm SO glad (and sad) that you can relate! It is like this HUGE realization that I am going to die, and that is scary. I think at the core of this is the uncertainty factor, which is what drives my religious obsessions. I cannot say with 100% certainty that heaven exists. I know this is where faith comes in... but naturally every time I try to counteract the thoughts with reassurance of faith, I get bombarded with the usual religious obsessions. It's like OCD tacks onto that little bit of uncertainty or doubt and blows it up into this "I can't be sure of anything" obsession, all the while blaming myself for feeling like living a lukewarm Christian life or not going to church on Sunday. Surely if I were a stronger Christian, I would not have this fear (so says my OCD).

 

[stacii]

OCD really does attach itself to even the tiniest douts that we have. Remember though, ALL Christians have doubts. We just have a harder time working through them because of our condition.

 

[zingiber]

Sad and Stacii

I also know what you mean. You know people die, but it has really hit me lately. I know that time goes on, and then eternity. The thought of eternity scares me. Even as I write this, my palms are sweating, and my heart racing. I know that I can rest safe in the knowledge that Jesus death has paid our price, but because I can't see him, the topic becomes grist for the OCD mill. e.g "How can you be sure?", and then my mind can no longer think positively. I can totally understand what you feel, the fear and uncertainty.
It helps a little if I ask myself whether I trust my own faulty brain or the Bible and the brains of much more sane people

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Sad and Stacii

I also know what you mean. You know people die, but it has really hit me lately. I know that time goes on, and then eternity. The thought of eternity scares me. Even as I write this, my palms are sweating, and my heart racing. I know that I can rest safe in the knowledge that Jesus death has paid our price, but because I can't see him, the topic becomes grist for the OCD mill. e.g "How can you be sure?", and then my mind can no longer think positively. I can totally understand what you feel, the fear and uncertainty.
It helps a little if I ask myself whether I trust my own faulty brain or the Bible and the brains of much more sane people

Zingiber I know exactly what you mean about being scared of "eternity." Even before OCD started I used to get uneasy at the thought of living forever in heaven. I think this is because that life, as we know it, has a beginning and an end. There is a start to the day, and an end to the day. Everything starts and stop. When we think of eternity, we can't comprehend something not having an end.

So there is that uneasiness about eternity, and then there is the uneasiness/uncertainty about life after death. I mean really, of ALL the things OCD can latch on to, faith and religious issues seem to be the worst as it seems to be the thing you can never be 100% sure of. Then it wouldn't be called faith.

And the cycle... I know this all too well. I look for the "certainty" feeling, and I can't find it, which just leads me down the path of "how can you be sure?" and "you don't feel like you believe, so you must not really believe."

 

[stacii]

It helps a little if I ask myself whether I trust my own faulty brain or the Bible and the brains of much more sane people

This is a hilariously good point!! Eventually I have to tell myself that I can't understand it all so I might as well stop trying...

 

[kaykay637]

This is a hilariously good point!! Eventually I have to tell myself that I can't understand it all so I might as well stop trying...

LOl! I know what you guys mean. I have found some of the lines in the following Psalm to be meaningful to me when OCD tries to make me "figure it all out with 100% certainty"-

O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.

Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
Psalm 131 1,2 (NASB version) Bolding mine

Stacii,
hope your new baby is doing well

 

[jc9992]

Ive been through this obsession too.Ive cried on my birthday or around that day every year since 2002.It started as a preteen when i was moving to a new stage of life(i didnt suspect it was OCD until recently) Id always cry because memories just seemed to get further and further away.My solution is to just live life to the fullest everyday because eventually it will be gone.(WHich gets my OCD worked up again)