Please Dont Tell Me to Relax
An infertile womans guide to small talk
by Mollie H.
Everyone knows an infertile couple, whether they know it or not. Some people, like me, are very open about ones reproductive shortcomings. Others are very private. Whether public or secretive, the long and heartbreaking journey of trying to have a baby is known only to those who have been told they cant. The sight of a pregnant woman, a stroller on the subway, or a Baby Gap shopping bag are constant reminders that our bodies are incapable of performing the most primal of functions. Seemingly harmless comments from friends and family become degrading insults and insensitive fodder. As a result, infertility becomes socially isolating; couples stop going to events where the chance of kiddie small talk is high. This downward spiral is invisible to outsiders. However, it can be easy to spot (and easy to handle) if you know the simplest rules of infertility chit-chat:
Ø Dont assume we havent been trying everyone always wants to know when a couple will have kids. If they havent told you, they either are having troubles or they dont want kids. Either way, its easier to not broach the subject unless they bring it up first.
Ø Dont tell us to relax or to take a vacation. That advice is as old as the hills and clearly has not worked. I personally have a condition called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) the most common reason for female infertility. I do not ovulate on my own, and no vacation is going to change that. As a fellow cyster told me, I could be in a coma and still have PCOS. Relaxing isnt going to help.
Ø Dont offer unsolicited advice. Believe me, we are experts in temperature taking, cervical mucous, and all things holistic. The infertile internet community is huge; chances are we stumbled on your pearl of wisdom a long time ago.
Ø Dont trade stories about how long it took you (or your wife/daughter/etc) to get pregnant. We understand you are only trying to sympathize, but unless you have experienced fertility drugs, daily blood tests, ultrasounds, sperm analysis, and fallopian tube dye, its not the same journey. Whats worse, your apparent success merely reinforces our sense of failure.
Ø Do be careful of sharing pictures and stories of your own babies. A friend of mine (who knows weve been trying to get pregnant) recently showed me pictures of her daughters painted pregnant belly. It took every ounce of strength to not break into tears in the middle of the restaurant. She wasnt trying to be insensitive she was just excited about her upcoming grandchild. Still, if you know a childless couple, assume the worst and tread lightly.
Ø Do keep the conversation simple. As a sales representative and professional small talker, Ive learned to respond to the kid question with a simple, Were trying. Yesterday, a client of mine handled the conversation beautifully. He looked me in the eye and sincerely said, Good luck I wish you all the best. It was a perfect response.
Ø Do talk about other things. While there is no need to uncomfortably avoid the infertile topic, conversation that does not include my body or your children would be a welcome reprieve. Now is the time to discuss that lighthearted movie or to share that dirty joke. Trust me; we could use a good laugh.
Infertility is a lonely and heartbreaking existence. Perhaps now, that anti-social childless couple will be easier to understand. Chances are they are sitting at home, wondering what is wrong with their bodies, and avoiding people so they dont risk crying at the family reunion. Do yourself a favor read the above advice one more time, and then invite them over for dinner. I know you miss them. We miss you too.
