Trying to understand my BF's struggle

[A.Hamilton27]

Hey Y'all. I'm new (ish)...Actually, I used to be a member of the teen board 10 years ago by a different name, but I don't know if I can access my old account. Anyway, I have a delicate question and I wasn't sure who to ask, so I thought it might be worth seeking some insights here.

I just started dating a wonderful, sweet Christian guy with integrity and strong character. He recently told me that he struggles with porn and masturbation. It's fairly early in the relationship to be having these conversations (2 months) and kind of difficult for him to talk with me about it very much (partly because of shame, and partly because he knows I had a previous relationship that fell apart that involved my ex having problems with porn addiction). He has been willing to openly answer the questions I've asked, but I don't want to push too much in the details of what I ask about. (Please do NOT advise me to end this relationship. That is not what I'm asking about in this thread.)

Here's my question. He said that he has tried to quit many times, and is actively trying to fight the urges to use porn. But he also told me something about physiology that makes it seem like it would be impossible to quit. He said that if he doesn't have some kind of sexual release, then after a while the tension and physical discomfort becomes basically unbearable.

My ex told me the same thing in the past. Is this something every guy deals with if they struggle with these things? How does it even work for an unmarried guy to quit porn/masturbation if this is such a problem? (To be honest, the masturbation does not trouble me nearly as much as the porn, but I know both can be an issue.) How is it possible to deal with or get beyond the physical issues? From what he says, it sounds like maybe porn wouldn't be such an addiction for him if it weren't for the physical need (?) for sexual release.

 

[Chaplain David]

Hello,

Every guy does not struggle with these issues. I pray that you go slowly if at all with this new guy. Your previous relationship is really a preview of what could happen with this new one. I pray the very best for you.

Faithfully,

 

[A.Hamilton27]

Thanks for your reply. Do you mean that every guy does not struggle with porn, or that not every guy struggles with the specific problem I described related to the porn use?

 

[Chaplain David]

Hi,

It's my experience and opinion that every guy does not struggle with porn. I think saying that they did would be a huge fallacy. However, some people, mostly guys IMO, do have this problem and it's like any other sin. It needs to be nipped in the bud, confessed and repented on.

Sometimes, the person might need counseling and in that case, a good licensed professional counselor or social worker might be of some help.

If he belongs to a church, talking with the pastor could be helpful. I like this option because it's one's spiritual life that needs to be straightened out here. Part of the pastor's job is to help His flock and this would be one thing that He could do that would be very helpful.

Does this help?

 

[A.Hamilton27]

Thanks. Yeah, I've just been feeling trapped with people advising women like me to "RUN AWAY," and others saying that it just happens to be a particularly recognized sin (compared to pride or addiction to work, for example, which can be equally devastating without repentance), but if he's genuinely devoted to Christ and willing to grow, couples can work through this stuff. He has told me that he will be talking with an elder from our church about this and also addressing it with his accountability group. But I'm scared because it sounds like such a difficult thing to overcome.

 

[Chaplain David]

Thanks. Yeah, I've just been feeling trapped with people advising women like me to "RUN AWAY," and others saying that it just happens to be a particularly recognized sin (compared to pride or addiction to work, for example, which can be equally devastating without repentance), but if he's genuinely devoted to Christ and willing to grow, couples can work through this stuff. He has told me that he will be talking with an elder from our church about this and also addressing it with his accountability group. But I'm scared because it sounds like such a difficult thing to overcome.

Your fears are rightly placed but, nothing is too difficult for God. Sometimes He heals in miraculous ways. At other times He guides us to someone for help. That's why there are so many people in helping professions. If you do not want to be troubled with a man with the kind of addiction that He has then you can walk away. No doubt this would be difficult in the short term and maybe much better in the long. However, many of us are flawed and try very hard to better ourselves and improve. If he is doing that then it could lead to overcoming the porn.

I can't tell you what to do in this situation but I can tell you that my wife accepted me with a truckload of baggage in the beginning. It was hard to deal with and there were setbacks. But we worked on our respective stuff and have now been married for 43 years. That's God working in our lives.

I pray the very best for you and him.

 

[A.Hamilton27]

Thank you! I appreciate your help. Part of my struggle, as I mentioned in the first post, is to understand how it is physically possible for single Christian men to give up these vices when their bodies seem designed for sex and yet they are marrying later and later in life. Maybe I'm misunderstanding this, but it seems like single men--in contrast to women--actually physically need some kind of release at times. And that's where I struggle with the question spiritually...am I not understanding this, or did God design men in a way that they have no choice but to lust sometimes just to relieve physical discomfort? That doesn't make sense to me from a spiritual perspective. Sorry, it's kind of an awkward question, but it's been bothering me.

 

[Dave-W]

Part of my struggle, as I mentioned in the first post, is to understand how it is physically possible for single Christian men to give up these vices when their bodies seem designed for sex and yet they are marrying later and later in life.

Yes that is a problem of modern society not present in bible times when almost everyone got married in their mid teens.

it seems like single men--in contrast to women--actually physically need some kind of release at times.

I would put it differently. BOTH "need" physical release to one degree or another. It is just that women seem to find some way to deny that need more so than men; but it is my opinion that there is a price paid for that somewhere later in life.

did God design men in a way that they have no choice but to lust sometimes just to relieve physical discomfort?

That depends on how you define "lust."

No man (or woman) needs to fill their mind with overt sexual images of people who are not their spouse in order to relieve that physical urge. Of course continued use of porn or fantasy can wire one's brain to function more efficiently that way, but by the same reasoning, it can be re-trained in another way as well.

 

[Mudinyeri]

Are you asking about the physiological "problem" or his attraction to porn? I got the impression that you were asking about the physiological problem.

To a degree, every male beyond the age of puberty struggles with the physiological problem. I believe the degree is largely determined by two things, the level of testosterone in the man's system and the amount of arousal he has experienced. The medical term is epididymal hypertension. Essentially, pressure builds up until the man [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] is the only known "cure." For a man who does not touch, nocturnal emissions will usually solve the problem, so to speak. Porn is not necessary.

 

[A.Hamilton27]

Yes that is a problem of modern society not present in bible times when almost everyone got married in their mid teens.

I would put it differently. BOTH "need" physical release to one degree or another. It is just that women seem to find some way to deny that need more so than men; but it is my opinion that there is a price paid for that somewhere later in life.

That depends on how you define "lust."

No man (or woman) needs to fill their mind with overt sexual images of people who are not their spouse in order to relieve that physical urge. Of course continued use of porn or fantasy can wire one's brain to function more efficiently that way, but by the same reasoning, it can be re-trained in another way as well.

Hmm. I always heard that because men are so much more visually stimulated, then they need some kind of visual cue or fantasy. Is that not true? Of course, in a marriage, this is available (or should be)...but for a single guy, this would be a problem. Maybe I have been misinformed.

 

[A.Hamilton27]

Are you asking about the physiological "problem" or his attraction to porn? I got the impression that you were asking about the physiological problem.

To a degree, every male beyond the age of puberty struggles with the physiological problem. I believe the degree is largely determined by two things, the level of testosterone in the man's system and the amount of arousal he has experienced. The medical term is epididymal hypertension. Essentially, pressure builds up until the man [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] is the only known "cure." For a man who does not touch, nocturnal emissions will usually solve the problem, so to speak. Porn is not necessary.

That's exactly what I was wondering about. Does masturbation eventually interfere with a man's body's natural ability to gain release through nocturnal emissions? Because otherwise, it's difficult to imagine that it would naturally be so painful and uncomfortable to wait it out and not touch. I guess that was what I was wondering about the recovery process.

 

[Chaplain David]

You know, I was thinking about your questions and thought that a good person to ask your questions to is your family doctor. I could speculate but I'm not sure that I'm the best informed authority about the science of what you're asking about. I do however think that many seem to make more than than there really is considering the nature of the problem. Sometimes what seems to be the most critical thing in the world now in 10 years will look like, "problem, what problem."

So, if you can, go in together to see your doctor and have a list that you compiled before hand to read from. Otherwise you might forget something.

I think that you will find that there is not a huge problem here and that perhaps it has become something that seems bigger in our mind than it really is. I think it speaks highly of you that you care so much and are trying to help.

Faithfully,

 

[Dave-W]

I always heard that because men are so much more visually stimulated, then they need some kind of visual cue or fantasy. Is that not true?

You have heard the party line, which is not necessarily the truth.

IF visual stimuli (porn, fantasy) are used repeatedly, the mind can wire itself to respond ONLY to that kind of stimulation. That is true for both men and women. But many guys discover those good feelings well before puberty when there is no understanding of sex, let alone how this activity ties into it.

So the mind can be re-wired to not "need" the sexual images. It is not easy and takes time; but it can be done.

I agree with the Chaplain on the 10 year question, and asking questions of your family doctor. I agree even more with him on this:

I think it speaks highly of you that you care so much and are trying to help.

 

[A.Hamilton27]

That's all good to know. At this point, I'm mainly just curious to have a better understanding of what the issue really is, and your replies are really helpful. We haven't been talking about it very often, because we've only been dating for a few months and he struggles with feelings of shame and guilt. I know he would talk about it if I asked, but I don't want to keep bringing it up...I'd like to trust that he is genuinely trying to work through it, and prayerfully consider when I should or shouldn't ask about it further.

 

[Chaplain David]

Primary in this situation is that your BF should be seeking help himself. Also, most men I've seen who have problems that you describe have what's called an accountability partner. It's kind of like what in AA is called a sponsor. It helps them stay on the straight and narrow.

Is he seeking help himself? Does he have an accountability partner? It doesn't work well when the spouse or girlfriend of the person who has the problem is either of these things. What I'm saying is that it's prudent to keep an eye on these things but not get involved in the actual treatment. It will interfere with your relationship if you do that.

However, you can't just pretend like nothing is going on either. Feel free to write in when you want to talk or ask a question.

Faithfully,

 

[GraceDriven]

Thanks. Yeah, I've just been feeling trapped with people advising women like me to "RUN AWAY,"

With the way things are going in this country, I would stand behind my "RUN." And I know more about this than I care to know.

 

[dayhiker]

Lot of good advice and information above.
My perspective is that most of what he is experiencing is because of the way God designed the male body to work.
After an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] the sperm builds up in a gland and as that gland gets full it puts pressure on the base of the penis and prostate area.
This results in males being very sensitive to any sexual stimuli. For me the choice became wither to initial the release myself or wait
till I had a nocturnal emission. The wait was a major hassle and kinda make life miserable. Then the dream part I found very disturbing.
I went the masturbation route and that was the best decision for me.

A., you have mentioned shame a few times. I personally have come to see this as the major problem with this whole topic, even bigger than
masturbation and porn. Shame separates us from God and people. The best way to start to deal with shame to talk about what we are ashamed of.
I personally think shame is one of the major reasons our youth leave the church after praying God will deliver them from sexual thoughts etc.
Puberty is part of God's plan and so there is not deliverance from it. Shame sets in, if God doesn't save me from this "sin" then there is no God
or God isn't very powerful or probably more God doesn't love me enough to set me free. So bye to church and Christians.

I pray your relationship works out and you both find peace with God.

 

[A.Hamilton27]

Thank you all so much for replying. This has been really helpful information, and I think I have a better understanding of what kinds of issues he's dealing with.

Primary in this situation is that your BF should be seeking help himself. Also, most men I've seen who have problems that you describe have what's called an accountability partner. It's kind of like what in AA is called a sponsor. It helps them stay on the straight and narrow.

Is he seeking help himself? Does he have an accountability partner? It doesn't work well when the spouse or girlfriend of the person who has the problem is either of these things. What I'm saying is that it's prudent to keep an eye on these things but not get involved in the actual treatment. It will interfere with your relationship if you do that.

We talked about this a few days ago. He offered to tell me every time he looked at porn and ask my forgiveness, but I told him I didn't think that was a good idea. So instead, he said he would seek accountability from one of the young men at church. He will also be talking with an elder about it, to some extent.

I do think shame plays a significant role in how damaging this could be. The struggle makes him feel powerless, and that makes him angry, and that can make him feel like I'm putting pressure on him to change when it's hard to do so (especially because I also introduced some tighter boundaries for physical affection in our relationship due to the realization of how his porn use made me feel). We had an unpleasant conversation in which he was very frustrated, but he realized he was being irrational. Later, he apologized humbly for expressing his frustration and misdirecting it toward me.

(I also made it very clear that his decision to quit should NOT be because of me, and that I will not take on any burden of responsibility for the struggle, even though I will be there for him to the extent that I can be. He recognizes that ultimately his responsibility is to God, and that is the reason he needs to stop.)

While some of you think it's not worth the risk, you don't know this man. I believe he is worth the risk, and I can see that he is willing to be humble and admit that he needs to change. I also believe that God has the power to help him overcome this. I'm not holding my breath, but I do believe that God can help anyone overcome any sin if they truly desire to change and surrender the problems to Him.

 

[Chaplain David]

Hi,

Good post! If my spouse would have given up on me what a much different life we would have had. But it's hard to compare situations. In general, for many problems I don't think it is a bad choice to try and maintain a relationship if the other party is actively seeking help. At some point I think talking with your pastor would be a good idea to get some expert assistance in the relationship realm. Many secular counselors would not see the problem as we do but a pastor should and many either have experience in or training for couples counseling. What do you think?

Faithfully,

 

[A.Hamilton27]

Hi,

Good post! If my spouse would have given up on me what a much different life we would have had. But it's hard to compare situations. In general, for many problems I don't think it is a bad choice to try and maintain a relationship if the other party is actively seeking help. At some point I think talking with your pastor would be a good idea to get some expert assistance in the relationship realm. Many secular counselors would not see the problem as we do but a pastor should and many either have experience in or training for couples counseling. What do you think?

Faithfully,

I'm confident that my boyfriend is highly motivated to work through this problem, in part because I know he wants to marry me eventually, and I've made it clear that this is something that will need to be worked through before a marriage is possible. But the main reason he wants to work through it is to honor God, because he knows it's sin and he wants to grow as a Christian.

I've told him that if we were to get married, I would absolutely want to do pre-marital counseling. I, personally, would choose to do this with a Christian counselor. I'm in seminary working on a Christian counseling degree, myself, but of course my role is not to counsel him. So eventually, if he asks me to marry him, we would be meeting with a counselor who understands the problem and is well-equipped to help. I would also like to meet with a pastor, additionally.