trying to understand lust.......

[Kiyahzylka]

My fiancee and i are going through a tough issue, or should i say I am. Recently he went hunting and went to a strip club. I was uneasy about it and told him that i didnt agree and that it was wrong, and he agreed not to go up there again and he wouldnt put himself in that position. Wel it has been a week and i keep thinking about it, mainly becasue he mentions it here and there to his buddies. I asked him not to keep bringing it up because it hurt my feelings. Well it is driving my crazy, and i cant stop thkning about him at the strip club, getting a lapdance and spening our money on someone who takes he clothes off for a living. I told him that it broke my heart and it made me feel pretty much unwanted. His reply was that it is a surface feeling and he doesnt understand why i am making such a bug deal out of it. It makes me feel like he just doesnt care about my feelings. What makes it worse, as a christian man, he says he doesnt understand how it was wrong, and that he didnt want to go there in the first place, but it just happened. I told him that he always has a chioice, and i was gettign heated and called him selfish. He said i waqs being rediculous, and now i have slept in the guest room for the past two nights because i dont even want to touch him. Please help me out.......

 

[HisLittleHazelnut]

First of all, as his fiancee, you should not be sleeping in the same room with him anyway. This probably heightened his sexual arousal to the point where he felt he needed something when he was away from you. Personally I told myself that if I was engaged, and my fiance went to a strip club, it would be over. This is because it is completely inappropriate for a man to go to these places, as it hurts both them and the woman they are in a relationship with. As for his excuse of "it just happened," no, it did not just happen. He made a CHOICE to go into the strip club. Even if all of his hunting buddies were going, he could have and should have said, "suit yourself, I'm staying in the lodge/car/ whatever and bundling up."

Personally I would call it off until he decides that yes, it was wrong, and he can prove to you that he won't do it again. If he can't do that, then it is time to cut your losses and get out of there before he cheats on you in your marriage.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I find it a bit contradictory and hypocritical that "a christian guy" shouldn't go to a strip club, yet you're sleeping together being unwed. I also think that calling off an engagement over something like this is a bit extreme. If you can't handle and work out a small (yes, this is small) issue like this, how will you ever handle major issues that come in marriage? Also, this sounds like it's more the OPs issue than it is the OPs significant other.

Guys work in a bit of a different mindset than women sometimes. Guys have no problem talking about things like this, usually in jest with each other. Also, I think things need to be seen a little more on the other side of the cover as well. Yes, we always can make our own decisions, but sometimes those decisions can lead to bigger problems than taking the lesser of two evils. Were the people he went hunting with his ride? Would you rather him been left behind waiting hours for another ride? Or maybe sitting for hours in a car while waiting for his friends?

Common sense will tell you, not to be rude, but you need to grow up and get over it. If you want to be in an adult relationship, you need to act like an adult and not like a girl who is petrified to even let her boyfriend talk to another girl in private for fear that he might start to like her better or even cheat on her just because it's another female. It shows an extreme lack of trust in the relationship and an extreme lack of maturity on your part.

Maybe I'm just really lucky that my wife trusts me completely and is mature enough to know that I don't desire to sleep with every girl I see, naked or not.

 

[Luther073082]

So I'm a bit confused about this...

What exactly happened at the strip club?

Now him going to the strip club is an issue no matter what. But I think the depth of the issue is what the question is. If he just walked in there, sat down and drank a beer then you need to let him know that its wrong and unacceptable to you. And if he can't understand how that is wrong then you clearly need to end the relationship because there is a disconnect in your values and it would not lead to a successful marriage.

However if he actually spent money on a stripper and got a lap dance then IMO you need to break up with him. That is unacceptable and pretty much the same as cheating on you.

Either way I think there are major problems in your relationship that need to be sorted out.

 

[BranwenUerchLlyr]

The worst thing about it isn't that he went to a strip club or that you two were sleeping in the same bed (these things seemed to bother other posters the most), but that he doesn't seem willing to understand how his actions made you feel.

He should be concerned with how he makes you feel, even if the reasons don't make sense to him. He should take the time to try to understand them and try to make them right. There are times when I upset my guy by what I say (maybe a joke that was too harsh), and even if I don't understand his hurt feelings, I still apologize and make a mental note--he does the same. I can't imagine ignoring his feelings or trying to write them off as unimportant. If he acts defensively (which he seems to be by your description), then maybe he's actually feeling some guilt.

I'm personally not against a guy going to a strip club with his buddies, but that isn't the issue to me.. it's his treatment of your feelings that bothers me.

 

[latteda]

Were the people he went hunting with his ride? Would you rather him been left behind waiting hours for another ride? Or maybe sitting for hours in a car while waiting for his friends?

I can say with certainty that my fiancé would go to all these measures gladly to spare me the hurt I would feel if he went to someone else to seduce him and give him sexual pleasure.

If you want to be in an adult relationship, you need to act like an adult and not like a girl who is petrified to even let her boyfriend talk to another girl in private for fear that he might start to like her better or even cheat on her just because it's another female. It shows an extreme lack of trust in the relationship and an extreme lack of maturity on your part.

I don't quite understand why you seem to be accusing this girl of being overly jealous. She never said she was petrified to let her fiancé talk to another girl...she said that she was hurt that he went to a strip club and paid money for another woman to dance seductively on him and be sexual with him. There is a vast difference between those two things. Now if your wife doesn't have a problem with you getting a lap dance from another woman that's your own business, but I certainly don't think this girl is being overly jealous to be bothered by this. Some women would not be bothered by it, true...but many women would and there's nothing wrong with that whatsoever.

My view on it is, everyone has their boundaries and their limits. He has clearly crossed those boundaries and doesn't seem to care that it has hurt you. At the worst, that shows no respect for you as a person and at the least it shows that you two may have some compatibility issues. Whatever all is going on, it seems clear that you guys need to work through some of this stuff because if it happens in your marriage it will be a major source of conflict and will likely make you both very unhappy in the long run.

 

[Sunburst]

The ugly part of this honey is that he keeps bringing it up which really makes me feel he is unfeeling,maybe has issues you need to look at before you marry. Huh? Hugs to ya.

 

[DanC922]

Watch this:

Mars Hill Church | The Peasant Princess | Do Not Awaken Love | Vegas Bachelor Party

 

[Tom23121987]

I would never do that to my fiancee cause to tell you the truth I dont have those kinds of feelings for anyone but her. And even if I did..She would kill me...but if he cant understand how you think that what he did is wrong then you do need to break it off because you should both feel the same way about that kinda stuff you know? how would he feel if you did that?

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Old thread is old. OP is long gone.