Trying to recover *possible trigger*

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

I was raped by both a man and a woman on a daily basis when I was 6-7 years old. They were foster parents.

I was adopted when I was eight, and verbally/emotionally abused, but never physically abused. I had hormone issues from before puberty and as a result I got fat and lost my hair, and my family told me I was ugly and that I'd never get a husband unless I lost 80 pounds (I was 180.) Today I'm 155 but still bald and still feel ugly even though my husband keeps trying to convince me I'm not.

However when I was 17 I was sexually assaulted at the college i was taking some classes at. I wasn't actually raped then because someone intervened.


Now, I'm married. I have been for a year, but sex is still not enjoyable for me. At least not as myself.

In order for me to give my husband sex, I have to role play as a character of my own imagining, and my husband creates a character as well, usually characters from the book he is writing.

While I don't personally think that role play is wrong, it is the ONLY way I feel that I can have sex with my husband and still enjoy it. He knows this is why I role play consistently, and while he too is fine with role play he wants the connection that can happen without... something we've had once but then not again.

I don't want to have to be someone else. Part of this is that I don't feel secure about my body; I might if I had my own hair, but I don't, and probably never will. The other part is I had got up to 215 and now I have loose skin everywhere as well as still being plus sized anyway. The other is I'm afraid that if I stay as myself during sex that I'll have flashbacks. I tried to give him oral because he said he'd enjoy it but I couldn't, I had a flashback when I tried. He said he understands but I can tell that he's really disappointed about it.


I also cannot get into foreplay. He loves it but I'd rather just get everything done. When I'm aroused I'm very aroused, and when I'm not, nothing can get me in the mood. That's just the way it is. Consequently, even though we have only been married for a little over a year, we have sex about twice a month.

I don't know where to turn; we're both autistic and can't find a church where we feel comfortable, and we can't afford counseling.

 

[Johnnz]

Do you read? There are issues that you most probably won't process adequately without some skilled third party assistance. But books can be helpful.

John
NZ