Trying to quit?

[TheOneWhoEats]

Hello,

Long story short-most of my adult life I've been wanting to date and meet women. Mostly have been met with failure. I've had a couple of relationships. I haven't always been rejected-I'd done a bit of the rejecting, but I've been rejected a lot too. But nothing has really worked out yet. I am single, aged 30, never married.

Recently was enlightened that I had both a sexual addiction and an addiction to wanting to find someone, so I've been stepping back and embracing single hood and thinking about ways in which to decouple my mind and soul from this weird need to find someone.

Also, I've been convinced that the harder you try, the more you will fail in this. A lot of married men told me they weren't looking when they met their wife. I've been constantly looking, both in real life and online.

Anyone have any advice? I've been doing well lately on this, but I'm curious for more ideas. Anyone else in this boat? Anyone else trying to just exist and quit worrying about this so much?

-Steve

 

[SleepingAtLast]

Hello,

Long story short-most of my adult life I've been wanting to date and meet women. Mostly have been met with failure. I've had a couple of relationships. I haven't always been rejected-I'd done a bit of the rejecting, but I've been rejected a lot too. But nothing has really worked out yet. I am single, aged 30, never married.

Recently was enlightened that I had both a sexual addiction and an addiction to wanting to find someone, so I've been stepping back and embracing single hood and thinking about ways in which to decouple my mind and soul from this weird need to find someone.

Also, I've been convinced that the harder you try, the more you will fail in this. A lot of married men told me they weren't looking when they met their wife. I've been constantly looking, both in real life and online.

Anyone have any advice? I've been doing well lately on this, but I'm curious for more ideas. Anyone else in this boat? Anyone else trying to just exist and quit worrying about this so much?

-Steve

I am in the same boat in a lot of ways actually. What I have found is that the times that I am most desperate for a relationship are the times when I feel most unlovable. It's like because I'm feeling so unlovable, I will cast out the net and hope that someone will do me a favor and love me. So I have really had to combat that by continually reminding myself that I was created by God and have inherent worth because of that, but also I have a story, interests, passions, talents, experiences, and insight that all combined cannot be replicated by anyone else and I am worth loving in and of myself. When someone decides to be in a relationship with me, it will be because I am attractive and desirable to them, not because they are doing me a favor.

There is a little truth to the "not trying" thing, but not in the way most people make it out to be. A lot of people do find partners and get married because they tried. That is the story for pretty much anyone who has met and married via an online dating site. I think where the truth in "not trying" comes in is that if you try too hard, or in other words if you are desperate in any way, that is an unattractive quality. People can smell desperation on others, whether it's a salesman trying to sell them something or someone trying to find a date, and as I just talked about above, self-confidence and self-love are the antidote to desperation.
The other angle on the "not trying" thing is that some people just meet someone they are attracted to as they are living their life. They meet someone at church or work and hit it off from there. I think this is the most natural and most ideal personally. The trick then is to put yourself in environments and situations where there are people to meet.

As for trying to just exist, it helps to fill your life with things that bring you happiness and joy, and really working toward fulfillment in your life in your present reality. The more happy and whole you are, the better (and those are both attractive qualities as well). Also, I believe it's possible to be fulfilled and still feel lonely at times. The trick is not to allow yourself to tie your loneliness back to some self-deficiency, but rather have your lonely moment and then make a conscious decision to accept your current situation for what it is, embrace it, and make the most of it. The worst thing you can do is spend an extended period of time wishing that reality was different from what it is because, at the end of the day, you cannot change it.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

I was like that as a young buck; womanizer actually. Then I took up flying and forgot all about them (for awhile).

 

[Rigatoni]

I've been in that place many times myself: thinking I needed to find someone in order to be happy. That's still the greatest desire of my heart, but God often reminds me that that's not an ultimate need; God Himself is my source of joy and contentment.

It's very easy to fall into that mindset however, so I can definitely relate. It's been a long wait for myself as well, and has been incredibly frustrating. However, I do believe the wait has been to teach me the lesson mentioned above. That's probably why many of us have had to wait or endure hardships. When we're ready, that's when He'll move.

Meanwhile, I think the only thing we can really do is to embrace this lesson, learn true contentment in Christ and overall just prepare in faith for when God's timing aligns with ours. We are instructed / commanded to seek God first as our ultimate need, and in exchange will receive the desires of our heart in His perfect timing (Matthew 6:33). Many do indeed meet their future spouse when they're not looking; I've heard this testimony so many times before. I think that's a powerful reminder of how God operates.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

God, speaking through Paul, says that it's better to marry than to burn (in lust). If time is running out you may have to 'settle'.

 

[CodyFaith]

Just have to wait on God to bring the right person in your life.

God tells us to wait all the time. The large majority of our walk here is marked by endurance and patience, and our successes or failures are determined by it. It's when we jump in and try to make "now" happen when we run into problems. Premarital sex, settling for someone who does not fear God or who is not a good match for us, etc... both problems related to not waiting on God. And both things we will suffer consequence for if we don't heed to... especially the first, as it's a sin issue.

Keep dating, keep searching, keep praying. I don't know your relationship with Christ but make sure he is still as a whole your number 1 priority, even if your mind/flesh at times does not make him such. Make goals outside of marriage... serve God always and make marriage second. Paul wrote that the times are short, so those who are married shouldn't even focus on the fact that they are married, but wholly devote themselves to the work of God. Marriage is good, but it's not our mission here.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Men who find women while they aren't looking, have this happen while they are doing something to improve their life and status in some way. No man can find a woman when not looking if he's not doing something with his life. So when you have a man who is focused on himself and improving his life and not pursuing a woman, this by default makes you more attractive to women than if you were one of those people trying so hard to find someone.

 

[Lost4words]

You never know, you may very well bump into your life partner around the very next corner!

God bless you OP

 

[bèlla]

Also, I've been convinced that the harder you try, the more you will fail in this. A lot of married men told me they weren't looking when they met their wife. I've been constantly looking, both in real life and online

When a person is desperate for companionship it emits a certain energy that smothers or suffocates the object of their attention. I don't believe that's a healthy position for anyone. I think it's important to operate from a place of strength and peace.

Once discontentment rears its head it spreads. Singleness won't be the lone issue that dissatisfies. Others will follow and it's best to boot him out. Gratitude suffers the longer it remains.

Joyce Meyer has a term that applies to this situation. Stinking thinking. Take your mind off of yourself and your situation and put it where it belongs. That includes your kingdom mission and the things you need to improve within yourself to be a godly spouse. If you were wholly invested in those aims you'd have little time for commiseration about negative subjects. Idleness and trouble go hand-in-hand.

What you're lacking in this scenario is perspective. If you lived to be eighty years of age and met your partner at 35. Would you focus on the time you were apart or the 45 years that remain? It's a small sacrifice when you consider the tenure you'd share.

There's a similar thread that may be of interest.

Last year I encountered a remarkable man on a different site. He messaged me for advice on finding a partner with specific criteria that proved difficult. In the course of our discussion we realized we were what the other was looking for. He's too young for me. However, he challenged that because of our suitability. I'd had three prospects but he was the best of the lot.

Rumi said, "what you seek is seeking you." And its true.

Give her someone worth finding. Work out the things that need to be resolved that you're putting off. Learn what servanthood entails and what good leadership looks like. Make it hard for her to say no. ;-)

 

[TheOneWhoEats]

I've been in that place many times myself: thinking I needed to find someone in order to be happy. That's still the greatest desire of my heart, but God often reminds me that that's not an ultimate need; God Himself is my source of joy and contentment.

It's very easy to fall into that mindset however, so I can definitely relate. It's been a long wait for myself as well, and has been incredibly frustrating. However, I do believe the wait has been to teach me the lesson mentioned above. That's probably why many of us have had to wait or endure hardships. When we're ready, that's when He'll move.

Meanwhile, I think the only thing we can really do is to embrace this lesson, learn true contentment in Christ and overall just prepare in faith for when God's timing aligns with ours. We are instructed / commanded to seek God first as our ultimate need, and in exchange will receive the desires of our heart in His perfect timing (Matthew 6:33). Many do indeed meet their future spouse when they're not looking; I've heard this testimony so many times before. I think that's a powerful reminder of how God operates.

True words there brother! I agree...I need to be content where I am and focus on the man.

 

[TheOneWhoEats]

Just have to wait on God to bring the right person in your life.

God tells us to wait all the time. The large majority of our walk here is marked by endurance and patience, and our successes or failures are determined by it. It's when we jump in and try to make "now" happen when we run into problems. Premarital sex, settling for someone who does not fear God or who is not a good match for us, etc... both problems related to not waiting on God. And both things we will suffer consequence for if we don't heed to... especially the first, as it's a sin issue.

Keep dating, keep searching, keep praying. I don't know your relationship with Christ but make sure he is still as a whole your number 1 priority, even if your mind/flesh at times does not make him such. Make goals outside of marriage... serve God always and make marriage second. Paul wrote that the times are short, so those who are married shouldn't even focus on the fact that they are married, but wholly devote themselves to the work of God. Marriage is good, but it's not our mission here.

I may start "looking" again someday, but right now I really need to step back and re-evaluate my motivations and urges, especially in light of my sexual addictions. But A BIG YES to the waiting on god part!

 

[TheOneWhoEats]

To the people who have mentioned improving oneself and actually have a life and interests:

I have a pretty good life! I'm all about that self improvement. I've lost nearly 100 lbs and I am keeping it off (most of it...currently weigh 185 but I'm 6 feet tall, I used to weigh 278). I am always trying to better my skills and learn new things.

I keep VERY busy. I play in 6 professional orchestras in the region in which I live part time, and I am more or less always practicing my violin for the next concert. I also have a full time job, a true regular 9 to 5er! I work at a healthcare software company. In addition to that, I'm also studying to get a CCENT in network engineering (for routing and switching). I plan on doing that pretty soon. I also jog and ride my bike a lot.

So I'm...well, almost a bit of a workaholic really. But I have a busy life. Maybe a little too busy honestly, because I don't get to do as much with my church as I would like. But I'm in a place where I feel like I'm building momentum as far as career goes and I really want to keep going. I'm going to be out of debt in a couple of years as well. I had 60k in student debt, got it down to below 30.

Whew! But yeah...with all that you'd think I'd be a shoo in with women, but I'm not lol.

 

[TheOneWhoEats]

God, speaking through Paul, says that it's better to marry than to burn (in lust). If time is running out you may have to 'settle'.

Is settling ever a good idea, though? I've had a few chances to settle and it just didn't feel right, and I cut things off. Hmm...it just seems like a clear road to disappointment.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

Is settling ever a good idea, though? I've had a few chances to settle and it just didn't feel right, and I cut things off. Hmm...it just seems like a clear road to disappointment.

I meant settle for the 'real' instead of the 'ideal' (sorry if I wasn't clear on that).

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Whew! But yeah...with all that you'd think I'd be a shoo in with women, but I'm not lol.

Yep,, which kind of proves what I'm about to post here...

Right, I mean, for some reason there are people that are in a good position in their current life and still desire someone tremendously. Those who desire someone in their lives, it seems some are under the assumption that they have little going for them in life...which may not be the case. IE - TheOneWhoEats. It's said in the context that both can't be accomplished.

 

[JAM2b]

I think balance is important. Don't become so fixated on other interest that you don't notice women exist anymore. Be open to new relationships always.

Also, an attractive thing to women is to not just be focused on improving yourself or your own life, be doing something that contributes to society and be compassionate toward other humans and animals. In other words, don't be shallow and self-centered. Live a life that shows others you care.

 

[Sketcher]

Also, I've been convinced that the harder you try, the more you will fail in this. A lot of married men told me they weren't looking when they met their wife. I've been constantly looking, both in real life and online.

Anyone have any advice?

Whenever a married person tries to help you, consider the source.

Do these men have similar personalities to yours? And what are their wives like?

If these men are not wired similarly to you, then their advice is less likely to be well-matched to you. I'm very introverted for instance, and when I was living by this advice, I wasn't getting into relationships either. I won't take step 1 to getting into a relationship if I'm not intentional, and women are conditioned to make men take that step. Is it any surprise then that this approach didn't get me into a relationship.

Then of course, what are their wives like. What are their wives' defining characteristics that got them together with these men? Are they even your type? And how well do they treat their husbands? Similar attraction strategies, when they do net women, should be expected to net the same kinds of women. That can be either a good thing or a bad thing for you.

 

[TheOneWhoEats]

Well...confession time. I haven't actually attempted to vet ONLY christian women through online dating before. There are a lot of them, but I've always avoided chatting with them for some reason. Sometimes their profiles came off as maybe a little...inflexible? I might get back on match or something...I'm not sure.

 

[Macchiato]

.

Whew! But yeah...with all that you'd think I'd be a shoo in with women, but I'm not lol.

Why aren't you a shoe in? You sound amazing to me.

 

[TheOneWhoEats]

Why aren't you a shoe in? You sound amazing to me.

Thanks. I'm not sure. Honestly.