Trying to help a parent...I am a little stuck

beaverpond · Sep 18, 2015

I have been trying a parent with her pre-teen daughter who has been battling a number issues. She has openly admitted to having issues at listening to her daughter because all she does is complain about this, that, and the other. This is not her own biological daughter, this is a child she has been trying to give a steady home life to for several years. Her and husband have only been married for a few years. This pre-teen loves her new Dad very much. However, she has a negative attitude towards a lot of things in life. Mom could not take it any longer and grounded her yesterday by taking away every electronic device that her daughter has...television, video game unit, dvd player, mp3 player, cd player, etc... you get the idea. The Mom has done everything she can think of to deal with this when looking at this bad attitude. Do they go to church, no. This is something we are going to work on. I tried to encourage the family to attend as a family, but at this point if I can get the daughter to attend that is a start. I have given the Mom a couple of things to try that my Dad did with me and on a girl, I am not sure if it is a good idea or not. I also gave her an idea of what to look out for with anger issues as she does express them in a lot of the same ways I did when she was my age...thankfully she is an only child in this household.

So here is what I am asking. While I have given the Mom plenty to think about from my years of dealing with kids of all ages and the different things she can try. What I am looking for is some scripture that could help me share with this pre-teen and the parents. This pre-teen has been attending our youth program for the past couple of years. I have been working with her for awhile, but this is the first time her Mom has come to me asking for help with the attitude problem.

tturt · Sep 18, 2015

"Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee." Exo 20:12 "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." Pro 13:24 "Rod" means parental authority.

There are other Scriptures to help us such as "And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Eph 4:6 "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." Prov 15:1 (want to get their attention? whisper).

BFine · Sep 18, 2015

It's hard being in a "family" when one's own mother and
father aren't part of that...regardless of what the reasons
are for their absences.
Although she has parents who love and provide for her,
it's not uncommon for a child to resent one or both of
the parents who are raising her.

I know how my own complaints were a "cover-up" for what
was really going on...no father in my life (my own dad died
shortly before my fifth birthday.)

Complaining was a "cover-up" for how awful it was to
"bear" bigotry where we lived...especially in childhood,
when little hearts are tender and easily broken.
I would complain about not liking the meatloaf, cause
I knew mom would react and try to fix things.
The folks who were racists, didn't care that they hurt a
little girl's feelings by calling her a bad name, forbade
her to associate with their child etc.

Suggestions...
The girl's complaining seems to be happening at a time when children are "maturing" --hormones making themselves known...growing pains. Angst.
Children react to their surroundings-- what's going on/
what's not going on etc.

Her complaining--this is common...I'm hearing this sort
of thing from a couple of our older grandchildren... ages:
14, 12, 10...you should have been around us this summer
when they were here... we got hit with temper tantrums,
meltdowns, mind-games etc... daily.
(It reminded me of when I was awful --at their ages.)

Here's the thing: Don't take it personal.
Listen, don't personalize it, learn to let it roll off of you.

The child complains about this or that... what could be
happening is: she had a bad day at school... jealousy-- someone was wearing an outfit she'd wanted. The boy
she likes, doesn't like her etc.

It could be hormonal...she's not a teen yet...maturing...bodily changes--menstrual cycle approaching...all sorts of emotions going on inside...
leaving childhood behind isn't always easy.

Typically those in her age bracket, don't always open
up and actually say what's going on ...they do,
however, complain.

You can opt out of listening to too much complaining...
Tell her to save it for later because at this time you've
got something else to do...then either make your exit,
put on earbuds and listen to your Ipod or something.
Or... tell her to write down her complaints if she's complaining lots...you can also put a time limit on listening to complaints...another thing, include your husband in this
matter.
You both need to be onboard on how to deal with this
situation.
If you aren't...she may play one against the other.

Do: Give honest feedback like...
"Hey, I think I need to hear a few more positives right now because I'm getting overloaded with all the negatives."

Above all else, love the child...extend forgiveness often.
Lean into the Lord and renew your mind daily on His Word.
Put on the full armor of God too.
Bible study on that here:
http://www.freebiblestudyguides.org/bible-teachings/armor-of-god.htm

beaverpond · Sep 18, 2015

Well I brought up God's Commandment of Honor thy Father & Mother. I also approached her about her attitude, she refuses to see how she did anything wrong. She is putting the blame all on her mother. She says her mother has the bad attitude. She says her attitude was fine. She has no problem going to church but wants to go to church where her parents don't want to. They have told us why and they are adult reasons why which I will not go into here at this moment. I can say the Mom and Dad have told Pastor and myself why they do not want to go to the church their daughter wants to go to. However, the reason why the daughter wants to go to church there is because the Pastor's family over there just suffered the loss of their infant son, and this pre-teen is convinced she can console the family. She has no interest in attending church to hear the word of God at all. The only reason she is part of our youth program is because her mother makes her participate so she gets the foundation in God's word.

This girl is convinced her grandmother will get her out of being grounded, her mother told me that it was her grandmother's idea to take it to this level. If this pre-teen ever finds this out, she may be in for shock. When I lost all my electronics as a kid my parents shut everything off at the circuit breaker panel and I told her this and this girl said my parents would never do this, I said don't be so sure. She looked at me and said you didn't, yes I shared with them what my childhood was like. I said you have windows, it only gets down into the mid 60s at night. You will be fine. She said her mother doesn't even know how that thing even works. I reminded her that her Dad is a contractor and built that house with his own two hands, you can't possibly believe he won't show her how it works. She started getting a little nervous at this point.

So we went back to children honoring their parents. I said have you ever said anything that you wish you had not said that you wish you could take back. She said yes. I said to who did you say it to. She said her Mom and Dad. I said so you admit that you say things without thinking. Then she I guess I do. I said do you apologize. She said yes, but lately she doesn't want to hear it or she doesn't believe me. I said how often do you say these terrible things. She said not often. I said I bet it is more often than you realize, I bet it is so often and she is finding it harder to accept your apologies, I bet so hard that your apologies don't come from the heart anymore. She told me that they do come from the heart. I told her that this weekend I challenge her to go home, pray about this, think on this, how often does she not choose her words carefully the way she does with me. She said I am not choosing my words with you. I said you think about that...every time you answered a questioned you thought about your answer carefully before you answered it, do you do that with your parents, I would be willing you don't. She at one point did say to me that once words are spoken and are out there, you can't take them back no matter how hurtful...it then becomes a memory that people always remember and sometimes they won't forget. I said that is true, but it is up to you to work on and make it right by controlling the tongue and asking for forgiveness from God and your parents.

tturt · Sep 19, 2015

Sounds like a good basic exchange. Yes she does need to apologize. Also, I have apologized to my kids for my tone of voice, etc.

beaverpond · Sep 19, 2015

I did hear from the Mom this morning. We talked about the counseling session yesterday that I had with her daughter. Her daughter admitted to her why she doesn't go to our church and why she wants to go to the other one. Her mother did say those are all the wrong reasons to want to attend a church.

This girl did try to apologize several times for her actions, but there was an arterial motive...she did not want to be grounded and figured that by apologizing it would get her off being grounded. Her mother was totally blown away when her daughter did not get upset or have a temper tantrum of sorts when it did not work. She was calm, kind of like she knew it would not work after talking with me. Her mother said it is amazing how her daughter talking to me usually brings her back to reality. She did accept her daughter's apology, but it did not change the punishment and maybe that was a step in the right direction for them as tempers had a chance to calm.

tturt · Sep 20, 2015

Great!

beaverpond · Sep 20, 2015

I don't think we are out of woods. Her mood changes like night and day. She is the child left in the house. She has two older adult siblings who Mom says were never like this, but this one is adopted so knowing what the birth parents were like is a whole nother story...could whatever this child is going through be tied into what they are or were like. A lot of unknowns there. I know we are dealing with a lot of pre-teen hormonal stuff, but I have never seen anything like this in my 15 years working with kids and our current youth program for the past few years has been made up of mostly girls of this age group.

Quasicentennial · Sep 22, 2015

Complaining an issue requires a lot of details and if necessary, written down so that the information can be seen and not just heard, especially in a tablet PC, netbook or home computer, so that the information can be looked over, analysed and discussed with questions and answers.
Another advantage is visual and audio evidence using a mobile phone or handheld camera to support the complaint if parents want to remove that "looming dark cloud of doubt" that could cause "suspicion, confusion, refusal" - in other words, " I totally reject any of what I am hearing because of what I am picturing in my mind that you were elsewhere doing something differently" .;'*';.

beaverpond · Sep 22, 2015

Well I guess it is a good thing I don't value or need your opinion and neither do those parents

Catherineanne · Sep 22, 2015

beaverpond said:
I have been trying a parent with her pre-teen daughter who has been battling a number issues. She has openly admitted to having issues at listening to her daughter because all she does is complain about this, that, and the other. This is not her own biological daughter, this is a child she has been trying to give a steady home life to for several years. Her and husband have only been married for a few years. This pre-teen loves her new Dad very much. However, she has a negative attitude towards a lot of things in life. Mom could not take it any longer and grounded her yesterday by taking away every electronic device that her daughter has...television, video game unit, dvd player, mp3 player, cd player, etc... you get the idea. The Mom has done everything she can think of to deal with this when looking at this bad attitude. Do they go to church, no. This is something we are going to work on. I tried to encourage the family to attend as a family, but at this point if I can get the daughter to attend that is a start. I have given the Mom a couple of things to try that my Dad did with me and on a girl, I am not sure if it is a good idea or not. I also gave her an idea of what to look out for with anger issues as she does express them in a lot of the same ways I did when she was my age...thankfully she is an only child in this household.

So here is what I am asking. While I have given the Mom plenty to think about from my years of dealing with kids of all ages and the different things she can try. What I am looking for is some scripture that could help me share with this pre-teen and the parents. This pre-teen has been attending our youth program for the past couple of years. I have been working with her for awhile, but this is the first time her Mom has come to me asking for help with the attitude problem.

A young person feels very negative towards life, perhaps even verging on depression, and her mother reacts by punishing her? If that stuff belongs to the young lady then her parents do not have the right to take it away. It is hers, not theirs.

What is that all about?

Children need reassurance when they feel that the world is a very negative place. They don't need confirmation of that negativity from their own parents.

You want my advice? Give all that stuff back, apologise for taking it for no reason, and start setting up some quality time with that young lady; give her at least one day a month to look forward to. It doesn't need to be expensive, but a day out with both parents, to discover some of the joy of life. Parents absolutely must be an ally with the child against the difficulties of life. They absolutely must not pile on the pressure when a child is already struggling.

Lord, have mercy.

Catherineanne · Sep 22, 2015

beaverpond said:
I don't think we are out of woods. Her mood changes like night and day. She is the child left in the house. She has two older adult siblings who Mom says were never like this, but this one is adopted so knowing what the birth parents were like is a whole nother story...could whatever this child is going through be tied into what they are or were like. A lot of unknowns there. I know we are dealing with a lot of pre-teen hormonal stuff, but I have never seen anything like this in my 15 years working with kids and our current youth program for the past few years has been made up of mostly girls of this age group.

Never mind whether you have seen it before or not; every person is unique.

This young lady needs reassurance, love and acceptance, just like any other child. She is pushing boundaries, just like any other child. There is nothing strange about any of that.

It is time for the parents to start behaving like adults; they must be calm, accepting and loving, no matter how provoking she is. They must start to demonstrate unconditional love; 'No matter what you feel, no matter how much you are struggling, you will always be our daughter, and we will always love and support you.'

Conditional love is what destroys relationships; in effect it says I will only love you as long as you are the kind of person I need you to be. Nobody can thrive in that kind of environment, least of all a sensitive young person.

Catherineanne · Sep 22, 2015

beaverpond said:
I did hear from the Mom this morning. We talked about the counseling session yesterday that I had with her daughter. Her daughter admitted to her why she doesn't go to our church and why she wants to go to the other one. Her mother did say those are all the wrong reasons to want to attend a church.

It does not matter whether the reasons are good or not. If that young lady wants to go to another church, and that is a Christian church, then let her go.

These parents are going the right way to losing their daughter.

This girl did try to apologize several times for her actions, but there was an arterial motive...she did not want to be grounded and figured that by apologizing it would get her off being grounded. Her mother was totally blown away when her daughter did not get upset or have a temper tantrum of sorts when it did not work. She was calm, kind of like she knew it would not work after talking with me. Her mother said it is amazing how her daughter talking to me usually brings her back to reality. She did accept her daughter's apology, but it did not change the punishment and maybe that was a step in the right direction for them as tempers had a chance to calm.

It sounds like the young lady is being very mature. The mother, really, really not.

I do not like you supporting the mother in her dysfunction.

beaverpond · Sep 22, 2015

It all stems to "Children shall obey their parents in the Lord for this is right"...this girl would talk very negatively to her parents and eventually when her parents had enough of this they grounded her, then each time she took it up a notch they took it up a notch. However, I have been counseling this girl since spring on a variety of different issues. This summer things took an uptick, maybe because she was home all the time. While I have been working with the parents, I spend a lot more time with kids that is more of my area of expertise. I do a lot of work with kids in the area of Bible Studies so they can see how God would have them act and be as Christians, but we go deeper than that as well to reach the root of the problem as well.

Catherineanne · Sep 22, 2015

beaverpond said:
It all stems to "Children shall obey their parents in the Lord for this is right"...this girl would talk very negatively to her parents and eventually when her parents had enough of this they grounded her, then each time she took it up a notch they took it up a notch. However, I have been counseling this girl since spring on a variety of different issues. This summer things took an uptick, maybe because she was home all the time. While I have been working with the parents, I spend a lot more time with kids that is more of my area of expertise. I do a lot of work with kids in the area of Bible Studies so they can see how God would have them act and be as Christians, but we go deeper than that as well to reach the root of the problem as well.

What is this, the first century? Have we learned nothing at all?

Young people have to learn to become who they are, and part of that involves learning to think for themselves, and take risks for themselves. If the parents react against that by becoming more controlling, then conflict will result.

Parents have to allow their children to become adults. This young lady is trying to do that, and she sounds very mature and capable. Her parents sound sulky and petulant.

beaverpond · Sep 22, 2015

I agree, but that comes with time, with age comes maturity, with maturity comes trust, with trust comes responsibility...however, we are talking about somebody who is still in elementary school. This is a long ways from adulthood.

As they grow in age more responsibility is given and trust is earned. Each child is different. Mine can handle more and does more around the house than this one does, but has less freedom in some ways and has more freedom in other ways...it makes a whole lot of difference because of where we live.

JCFantasy23 · Sep 22, 2015

She sounds like a normal teenager to me. Add into that that she is not with her biological parents - resentment? past abuse? It's normal for teenagers to be negative and learn they need to overcome that, I go through that with my son all the time. It sounds to me like you guys are doing a good job but I'm not hearing anything that problematic. You can tell a teenager- or adult - something and a way they should behave (honor thy Father and Mother), but they are not instantly going to turn over a new leaf. It's especially rough because teenage girls and their mothers are more prone to fight than with the father, I've seen that through experience with all my female friends. Mother and daughter tend to get on each others nerves growing up

I'm not trying to make light of the problem but I think you've done a great job so far and think you may be over-worrying it now. If they keep telling her how wrong she's acting, it can sometimes have the opposite, stressful effect where they'll rebel.

I also have to agree it's healthy for a growing youth to be able to choose their own church, even if the parents don't agree with the decision (unless there was something dangerous about the church or off about it.)

beaverpond · Sep 22, 2015

One of the things when I met with them today was to find one positive thing to be thankful for each day and then find one thing that they saw the Lord did for them or somebody close to them that day. The parents loved the idea the daughter took some time to warm up to the idea. I think when she sees that Mom & Dad are going to do it and be serious about it, then they maybe we will see the daughter get on board in time, but like I said she is only in elementary school. She has been in long term foster care with this Mom since the age of three and then went up for adoption a few years ago as to which this couple adopted her. So she has been with them for quite some time.

Hetta · Sep 22, 2015

beaverpond said:
It all stems to "Children shall obey their parents in the Lord for this is right"...this girl would talk very negatively to her parents and eventually when her parents had enough of this they grounded her, then each time she took it up a notch they took it up a notch. However, I have been counseling this girl since spring on a variety of different issues. This summer things took an uptick, maybe because she was home all the time. While I have been working with the parents, I spend a lot more time with kids that is more of my area of expertise. I do a lot of work with kids in the area of Bible Studies so they can see how God would have them act and be as Christians, but we go deeper than that as well to reach the root of the problem as well.

Are you "officially" counseling this kid, because I don't think you should be discussing her, even without naming her, in public if you are a certified counselor.

I don't hear anything about what this kid has actually done other than "talk negative." What does that mean?

beaverpond · Sep 22, 2015

talk negative...bad attitude...I am not going into detail with what she says because the post would be removed

Trying to help a parent...I am a little stuck

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