Trying to find forgiveness for my brother

[josiahoftenn]

I've finally brought this out in the open to a few people.But I was physically,verbally,and sexually by my brother from when I was 2 or 3 until I was 13 when he left home at 17.My first memor is of him chasing me with a bull whip whipping me with it.He would strangle me, smother me, throw me against the wall, use the closest weapon, run me over with the car, lock me outside with no clothes on in way below freezing weather, push me down stairs, cut me on the legs, that's just some of the things.He would call "a piece of S*** that should have never been born" "it's my fault we're poor.If it wasn't for me we would have money" "you're so stupid how can anything even be so stupid?" I don't like saying the other things.And he would make me have oral sex with him he once tried to go further but my mom got home early.But now I'm 15 and he's 19 we are getting mcuh closer in size he lives off in Nebraska and has a fiance that he lives with.And the worst part is everybody thoguh he was this great christian and he could do no wrong.But how can I forgive somebody who has done this to me and wont even admit it?

 

[NeedHelp11]

So it started when you were about 3, so he was about 7.

Surely someone must have been doing the same things to him.

I dont know how you can really forgive, but it will probably start with him saying sorry, which might only happen if he can forgive whoever abused him. your father?

 

[josiahoftenn]

So it started when you were about 3, so he was about 7.

Surely someone must have been doing the same things to him.

I dont know how you can really forgive, but it will probably start with him saying sorry, which might only happen if he can forgive whoever abused him. your father?

My parents never gave anybody else a chance to abuse us.My parents are kind of odd they aren't protective but I'm not sure how to describe them.Well my brother was molested when he was 16 I think.

PS:No my mom and dad would never deliberatly abuse us.My dad has me emotionally and he doesn't know it though.And my family if my dad started beating my mom or my sister I would kill him and not regreat it.

PSS:I'm thinking as hard as I can there wouldn't ever be a chance for him to get abused our parents taught us very early right from wrong.

EDIT:I don't remember a whole lot from when I was 3 I just remember him hitting me with sticks and the times he would get the bull whip and chase me with it whipping me.Oh and all of these things happened off in the woods so my mom never heard or saw him doing it I would tell her but he called me a liar and they believed him.

 

[Tenebrae]

Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who tresspass against us.

Unfortunately forgiveness is not a optional extra, of being a christian. God tells us in the gospels with the lords prayer, than in order to be forgiven we must forgive

And dont know about you but I thought that sucked, why should I forgive the man who abused me from a young age, and put me through hell. The more about it the angrier I got...

Till one day I said to God, hey lord, you know the situation, I know I have to forgive, on my own strength, thats not possible, but lord I will to forgive him for what he did and lord ask that you give me the ability to be able to forgive...

God is faithful he tells us we must forgive others as he has forgiven us, that said when we go to God and ask for his help and his strength to forgive, he is faithful..... For me when I started forgiving the man who hurt me, there were no bells and whistles infact I felt no different, however a few months later, I realised I had forgiven, that God had given me the strength and ability to be able to forgive.... Its not easy its probably one of the hardest things you will have to do, unfortuntaley though more often than not unforgiveness hurts you more than the person you are not forgiving

So how about ask God, tell him on your own you can forgive. But ask him for His help to forgive your brother. Its not easy though it feels so much better when you do

 

[chshnut]

First I want to say I am so sorry that happened to you.
Well I am going to go on a limb here,perhaps many will disagree with me.
I understand and agree forgiviness is a part of being a Christian but I truly feel (and this is only my opinion) that we really need to 'feel' and work through all the emotions we have.
Its not wrong to feel betrayed and hurt and even enraged over all that has happened to you.
Feelings are not wrong.
If feelings were wrong we would all be in dire straits.
Obviously you have been given a chance to go to Jesus and let him heal you and make you into the wonderful person you are indeed now,,but as well to bring you to perfection in him.
If you can look at your brother and think "perhaps this happened to him somewhere by someone"..it might help..many times a child can be abused in a family and no other child will be.
If a child that young is whipping you and saying you made them "poor' ,to me that sounds like an adult type of thing to say..so I am guessing he may very well have heard it from someone.
I am not saying he should be let off the hook for doing what he did because it was wrong..but he may have done so due to what may have been happening to him,.
I hope you will go to Jesus and allow him to lead you..I pray he will help you find friends and people who you can confide in,,especially if people already have such false impression of him.
Again its not wrong to be feeling what you feel and I encourage you to feel,,what we need to understand is that if we act on these feelings that is when it can bring hurt and damage to us as well as others!
May God continue to help and Bless you !

 

[josiahoftenn]

I feel kind of like an outsider to all of the men in my family my brother, my dad, my grand-fathers, everybody.But the women I'm very close to.My dad didn't want me at all and my mom prayed for me and then I came, I also tryed to die in child birth they couldn't get a heart beat or anything I had zero life signs.My grand-father I cannot stand for reasons I have found out recently I found out why I couldn't show any anger torwards him.I'm just not close to my male family members and they wont let me get close to them.When my brother found out I was going to be bron he asked and I quote "can I have a horse instead?".I know there's a chance he could have heard my grand-father say some things about me but he's the only one.

 

[Johnnz]

You need to work through the many issues arsising from your brother's behaviour towards you. You have many legitimate emotions and feelings to address. The injustice of it all will be very deep and that is perfectly valid.

Don't get hung up on forgiveness. That often comes after other issues have been worked through. Also, if he has not repented God cannot forgive him yet either.

John
NZ

 

[CJD]

I too had a hard time forgiving the person who hurt me the most. You need to take the time to lay EVERYTHING at the feet of Jesus and ask him to help you forgive. Don't be surprised if other things are revealed as well, but as they are revealed, spend time in prayer. Ask for the help you need to forgive. Confess with your mouth that you forgive him and let God do the rest. God is faithful and will fulfill His promises!!!!

My mother will never admit the harm that she has done. She wasn't physically abusive, but she is verbally and emotionally abusive. She has even told me to my face that I'm unplanned and unwanted in her eyes and it showed in how she acted towards me. She never let me forgets, even to this day.

I know people who have been physically, sexually, verbally, and/or emotionally abused who have managed to forgive with God's help. It doesn't happen overnight, but it needs to start with laying EVERYTHING at the feet of Jesus. Forgiving those who have hurt us is a process and it won't happen overnight, but with God's help, it is possible.

 

[Ann52]

Hi,
I am new here but I would like to respond to your post. In my understanding, we are not told to forgive if someone is unrepentant. But take care not to harden your heart and cause yourself more harm. Biterness can take root and make life miserable. I was abused by a saint of my church as a child. I let it affect my entire life. I didn't have an outlet. It was a secret; no one would have believed me.I had walls and could not develop trustung relationships. I sought Christian counseling when I was in my 40's. I wish I had done it sooner. God Bles you and help you to find the healing you need. Ann52

 

[ou2saved]

Hi,
I am new here but I would like to respond to your post. In my understanding, we are not told to forgive if someone is unrepentant. But take care not to harden your heart and cause yourself more harm. Biterness can take root and make life miserable. I was abused by a saint of my church as a child. I let it affect my entire life. I didn't have an outlet. It was a secret; no one would have believed me.I had walls and could not develop trustung relationships. I sought Christian counseling when I was in my 40's. I wish I had done it sooner. God Bles you and help you to find the healing you need. Ann52

I'm new too so I can say that this site has me looking for directions but it is getting better.sorry to hear that you were thrown into this struggle it has us looking for things to get us out of our miseries.I'm 36yrs old now and time helps the memories like you I was harmed by a person in a godly title.I was held against my will for three years and I just 3 days ago wrote the police in that state to tell.anyway we must do the things we need to to keep on A-men!!

 

[NeedHelp11]

I am sorry for what happened. It sounds truly horrible and terrible. Very, very traumatic.
I wish you all the best.
In my mind i cant help thinking there must be more to it, for a seven year old to do that, but perhaps not.

 

[whitedove7]

I truly can understand this! I had a brother that was cruel and did all the stuff you described. In fact, I felt like I was reading my story. The thing is that you need to forgive him from the heart. You are responsible for your heart and not responsible for him. The Lord is your vendicator and will take care of the situation. Every time you have a bad memory or ping of him, continue to forgive him. The word says we are suppose to forgive. If we do not forgive then the Lord will not for you according to Matthew 6:15. You will have more peace in your life because when there is unforgiveness, then the enemy loves to torment with images of the past. It seems when there is forgiveness, then it closes the door from the tormentment of the images in the mind from Satan because in John 10:10 it says he comes to kill, steal and destroy and bring separation from God and unforgiveness can bring separation where he feels so far away that is if a person just refuses to forgive but I don't see that for you. I see you are trying and so keep trying and keep giving him over to the Lord. I know that is when it stopped for me. I promise you it didn't happen over night and it was a process in my life. When you are able to forgive and release him comletely to the Lord, I wouldn't doubt it that is when the Lord will deal with his heart and one day he will ask for your forgiveness. I hear this all the time with people I work with and it was true for me some years back.

I pray that you will find total healing and your healing will come when you are truly able to release him to God, forgive him and forgive yourself. Blessings to you for sharing your story. God is good and loves you with an everlasting love. Peace to you in your walk in him.

 

[Ann52]

Hi Indy,

Thank You for your response. You know...the longer I have been in recovery..the more I can see the good that God can make out of the wrongs in life. I have been able to help several gals who were abused. One turned away from the gay lifestyle. I have been a work in progress for 4 years. I hope you have found peace. Hugs, Ann

 

[mrslisae]

You need to work through the many issues arsising from your brother's behaviour towards you. You have many legitimate emotions and feelings to address. The injustice of it all will be very deep and that is perfectly valid.

Don't get hung up on forgiveness. That often comes after other issues have been worked through. Also, if he has not repented God cannot forgive him yet either.

John
NZ

I agree with this...My brother is an abuser also, not my abuser (that I can remember) but he is and my sibling has a terrible time trying to forgive. You're young and have a lot to deal with. God understands that. I would focus on letting God heal you and then work on forgiveness..prayers

 

[aspirine]

It is unlikely anyone would confess to the felonies you described. So forget that. Emotions, you have a right to your outrage.
You do not yet have the internal resources to deal with this. You may when you are about 10 years older.
What helped me
"Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and thinking the other person will get sick."

As long as you still react to it, the abuser still has power over you. Once I let it go, I gained greater freedom.

 

[Bianca01]

Hey josiahoftenn,

I was molested by my older brother. He also would try to put sick ideas in my head about people following me and things like I may wake up and see the devil at the foot of my bed or look outside and see a funeral parade with me in a coffin. I was thirteen. Really nice, huh? He did drugs (probably still does). The whole family treated him like he was the coolest and the "golden child"... could do no wrong. One time he got me drunk and beat me while I lay on the floor. My back and shoulder was covered in big purple bruises. My mom just blamed me because I had skipped school and was drinking. My brother did no wrong. He is three and a half years older than me. I am still suffering over this. Today, I am not in a state of forgiveness. I used to be. But, I keep getting angry over it.

You are young and my prayer for you would be that you get help for you. Get it all out. If you see a therapist and they try reverse psycology on you or you feel uncomfortable... see someone else. Don't stop until you get the help you need. My first therapist told me to just "go ahead and kill yourself" so please don't think these people are perfect. Unfortunately, you may have to "interview" a few to get the right fit.

Take care

 

[Lightbearer3]

My parents never gave anybody else a chance to abuse us.My parents are kind of odd they aren't protective but I'm not sure how to describe them.Well my brother was molested when he was 16 I think.

PS:No my mom and dad would never deliberatly abuse us.My dad has me emotionally and he doesn't know it though.And my family if my dad started beating my mom or my sister I would kill him and not regreat it.

PSS:I'm thinking as hard as I can there wouldn't ever be a chance for him to get abused our parents taught us very early right from wrong.

EDIT:I don't remember a whole lot from when I was 3 I just remember him hitting me with sticks and the times he would get the bull whip and chase me with it whipping me.Oh and all of these things happened off in the woods so my mom never heard or saw him doing it I would tell her but he called me a liar and they believed him.

Your mom never saw the evidence by the marks on your body? Being ran over with a car is serious, there was no evident injury from that ...that she could see? For forgiveness the thread in this forum titled "What does forgiveness look like to you" might be helpful to you.