- Oct 10, 2011
- 24,717
- 5,558
- 46
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Celibate
My ex and I were talking, and we started talking about our 21 year old daughter that's in trouble, and is having a rough time in life, she's a very angry young woman and is quite miserable and no one can seem to help her, for many have tried, including us...
My ex said that she asked her, what she was so angry about, and why she was angry at her...? And she said, that she said, it was because of her leaving and abandoning her when we lost our house and her (her mom) and I separated and she (her mom) kicked her out of the place they moved into, when she (her mom) and I separated and she went with her mom at 16... Her mom didn't kick her out, but they fought a lot, cause her mom is a mean, angry, hateful, miserable woman too and also... Basically, not perfect... (And, neither am, or was I)
I told my ex, that I don't think she is telling you the whole truth, I think she's holding back from telling you everything she is really angry about... She said "What do you mean...?" I told her "Well, consider that many people grow up and, especially at her age, are very angry, and most of the time "blame" other people, and say it's other peoples fault... Many blame their parents for not being "perfect", blaming them for who they are now, and who they have or are becoming, and they say "It's because my mom did this, or it's because my dad did that, or didn't do this, or didn't do that, ect, ect."
Then I said, (without trying to talk about or refer to her (her mom) directly), I said "For example... someone might grow up thinking that, or saying that, "Well, because my mom was so mean, angry, cold-hearted, and was so abusive, verbally and mentally and emotionally, I became that way also, just because I was and had to defend myself with her... And, now I am, and maybe have almost become, or I am in serious danger of, becoming just like her... And I'm very p^ssed off about that, and very angry about it... And, I'm angry that I'm angry about it, angry that I can't seem to change it..." "It's all her, or all their, fault" They might say...
Kids grow up, and then at some point, usually in their teenage years, they realize their parents aren't "perfect", and for some reason, they expect them to be... So, they (the parents) "fall off the pedestal" in their eyes, and they lose respect for them and usually get very angry about it, and that's when the fighting begins...
When they leave home and become adults, in young adulthood, and they "fall down" in life, they get very angry and blame almost everyone else, instead of looking at themselves in the mirror... You can't blame imperfect people for being imperfect, and you must come to the realization, when, you quit blaming other people for who you are, or what your now like, now... You had a choice in the matter too, and you have a choice now....
Like the animals, we have a mind, heart, and emotions, but unlike the animals, we also have (I believe a God given, Godly power over that called a "will") also, and unless you exercising that will, to control what your mind, heart and emotions are telling you, your no better than an animal, and will sometimes act and behave like one... Use your God given will to exercise some "self-control" over yourself, for God's sake...
Quit judging other people or blaming them for your problems, when you could have, at any time, and can now, "realize" that you have always had, or could have had, and do now should have "control" over your own responses, actions/reactions and behavior... Now, perhaps you think your parents, or other people are at least partially to blame...? OK, perhaps they are... But, is thinking that way about it, is it "helping" you at all...? Or is it, just allowing it to continue to affect you, in ways you do not like at all...? Your not perfect either, and if, "if", they are "partially" to blame, then you are also partially to blame for your responses, actions/reactions, and behavior also...
Own up to that... "face" yourself... Stop running away, take the blame, guilt, condemnation and shame, acknowledging "all" your wrong in the matter, not theirs, even things that may not be your fault... Be the bigger person... It's time to grow-up... I suggest doing this to and with God, aloud, with your voice, and "listening" very carefully to your own self "say it"... If you do this with God, and you believe in God, you should feel like a weight has been lifted and that a huge burden has gone from on your shoulders...
When I finally did this, faced myself, took all the blame, and faced the guilt and shame, acknowledged all my wrong behavior, he said to me "Yes!, Yes!, Well done! Finally!, now, "change" it, do something about it, get up, go back out there into the world and be different and move forward on past all of this, and put it all behind you, and don't be that way anymore, and be different and changed for the better, for the good, and never be the same again... Put all that garbage behind you now, walk in a newness of life, free from the baggage of the past and be better, and much better off, than you ever were...
When confronting other people again, like for example, your parents, you might wanna tell them, for example, "Mom, I'm sorry for this or that, or that I did this or that" And then tell them "why", but, when telling them why, do not be pointing out what they did wrong, or how they acted wrong, by saying or doing this or that, that's a common mistake, instead, tell them what you were feeling at the time, not mentioning, why or the reason you felt that way, unless they ask you after you have said this only... If they do ask, you may or may not wanna, ask or tell them "OK, if you really want to know, I'll tell you, do you really want to know...?" If they say "Yes" then say "OK, but promise to and please don't get mad OK and I'll tell you." And then be as gentle and meek and mild and cautious and easy on/with them as possible, and see what happens from there...
You can blame other people, and especially blame your parents, for who you are, and who you have become, but, I ask you, like Dr.Phil "How's that working for you." Chances are, it's not working out so well... So... "change" it, by taking a good long hard look at your own self, and admitting and acknowledging your own imperfections and where you fall short, and start forgiving others for theirs, cause no one is "perfect" including yourself... Own up to that...
When other people are having behavioral problems and difficulties around you, or with you, or directed at you, The lord told me that if I didn't do anything to bring it on, or instigate it, or provoke it, then do not even respond or react to it in any way shape or form, at first... However, if you did, "own up" to it, acknowledge it, apologize for it, and try to "diffuse" it... He also said that, if their just having a "moment", having a behavior and throwing a fit for no reason that you brought on or know about, don't play their game... Do not let their acting like a two year old child, make you act like one too... It's their problem, do not let it become yours also... It's a problem with them, not you... Try to remember that... He also told me, "Besides that, your giving them way, way to much power and control over you... Your allowing them to control and manipulate you and do you really want that...? Keep you cool and keep your peace, and do not let what their doing, that is their problem, take this away from you... And, if you can, show them kindness and compassion and empathy anyway, for their problem(s) (their problem(s) not yours) And, don't take it personally, even if their in your face about something...
If your tempted to get out of control yourself, then take it to the Lord and tell him about it, for he want's you to do this with/on him, instead of them, cause, trust me, he can handle it, and most other people cannot... I vent to and with the Lord quite a bit, on a pretty regular basis, so I don't do it with them... And he desires us to do this very much, especially, and instead of taking it out on others, on other people, "out there" in the world... Trust me, the Lord can take it, he can handle it all, and, he's not gonna love you any less for it, even if some of it is directed at him personally... And, believe it or not, he knows that doing this actually develops, deepens and strengthens the depths of the intimacy and closeness of the relationship with him, in the end... He knows, he understands, and loves you just the same regardless...
Try this out, see how it works for you...
God Bless!
My ex said that she asked her, what she was so angry about, and why she was angry at her...? And she said, that she said, it was because of her leaving and abandoning her when we lost our house and her (her mom) and I separated and she (her mom) kicked her out of the place they moved into, when she (her mom) and I separated and she went with her mom at 16... Her mom didn't kick her out, but they fought a lot, cause her mom is a mean, angry, hateful, miserable woman too and also... Basically, not perfect... (And, neither am, or was I)
I told my ex, that I don't think she is telling you the whole truth, I think she's holding back from telling you everything she is really angry about... She said "What do you mean...?" I told her "Well, consider that many people grow up and, especially at her age, are very angry, and most of the time "blame" other people, and say it's other peoples fault... Many blame their parents for not being "perfect", blaming them for who they are now, and who they have or are becoming, and they say "It's because my mom did this, or it's because my dad did that, or didn't do this, or didn't do that, ect, ect."
Then I said, (without trying to talk about or refer to her (her mom) directly), I said "For example... someone might grow up thinking that, or saying that, "Well, because my mom was so mean, angry, cold-hearted, and was so abusive, verbally and mentally and emotionally, I became that way also, just because I was and had to defend myself with her... And, now I am, and maybe have almost become, or I am in serious danger of, becoming just like her... And I'm very p^ssed off about that, and very angry about it... And, I'm angry that I'm angry about it, angry that I can't seem to change it..." "It's all her, or all their, fault" They might say...
Kids grow up, and then at some point, usually in their teenage years, they realize their parents aren't "perfect", and for some reason, they expect them to be... So, they (the parents) "fall off the pedestal" in their eyes, and they lose respect for them and usually get very angry about it, and that's when the fighting begins...
When they leave home and become adults, in young adulthood, and they "fall down" in life, they get very angry and blame almost everyone else, instead of looking at themselves in the mirror... You can't blame imperfect people for being imperfect, and you must come to the realization, when, you quit blaming other people for who you are, or what your now like, now... You had a choice in the matter too, and you have a choice now....
Like the animals, we have a mind, heart, and emotions, but unlike the animals, we also have (I believe a God given, Godly power over that called a "will") also, and unless you exercising that will, to control what your mind, heart and emotions are telling you, your no better than an animal, and will sometimes act and behave like one... Use your God given will to exercise some "self-control" over yourself, for God's sake...
Quit judging other people or blaming them for your problems, when you could have, at any time, and can now, "realize" that you have always had, or could have had, and do now should have "control" over your own responses, actions/reactions and behavior... Now, perhaps you think your parents, or other people are at least partially to blame...? OK, perhaps they are... But, is thinking that way about it, is it "helping" you at all...? Or is it, just allowing it to continue to affect you, in ways you do not like at all...? Your not perfect either, and if, "if", they are "partially" to blame, then you are also partially to blame for your responses, actions/reactions, and behavior also...
Own up to that... "face" yourself... Stop running away, take the blame, guilt, condemnation and shame, acknowledging "all" your wrong in the matter, not theirs, even things that may not be your fault... Be the bigger person... It's time to grow-up... I suggest doing this to and with God, aloud, with your voice, and "listening" very carefully to your own self "say it"... If you do this with God, and you believe in God, you should feel like a weight has been lifted and that a huge burden has gone from on your shoulders...
When I finally did this, faced myself, took all the blame, and faced the guilt and shame, acknowledged all my wrong behavior, he said to me "Yes!, Yes!, Well done! Finally!, now, "change" it, do something about it, get up, go back out there into the world and be different and move forward on past all of this, and put it all behind you, and don't be that way anymore, and be different and changed for the better, for the good, and never be the same again... Put all that garbage behind you now, walk in a newness of life, free from the baggage of the past and be better, and much better off, than you ever were...
When confronting other people again, like for example, your parents, you might wanna tell them, for example, "Mom, I'm sorry for this or that, or that I did this or that" And then tell them "why", but, when telling them why, do not be pointing out what they did wrong, or how they acted wrong, by saying or doing this or that, that's a common mistake, instead, tell them what you were feeling at the time, not mentioning, why or the reason you felt that way, unless they ask you after you have said this only... If they do ask, you may or may not wanna, ask or tell them "OK, if you really want to know, I'll tell you, do you really want to know...?" If they say "Yes" then say "OK, but promise to and please don't get mad OK and I'll tell you." And then be as gentle and meek and mild and cautious and easy on/with them as possible, and see what happens from there...
You can blame other people, and especially blame your parents, for who you are, and who you have become, but, I ask you, like Dr.Phil "How's that working for you." Chances are, it's not working out so well... So... "change" it, by taking a good long hard look at your own self, and admitting and acknowledging your own imperfections and where you fall short, and start forgiving others for theirs, cause no one is "perfect" including yourself... Own up to that...
When other people are having behavioral problems and difficulties around you, or with you, or directed at you, The lord told me that if I didn't do anything to bring it on, or instigate it, or provoke it, then do not even respond or react to it in any way shape or form, at first... However, if you did, "own up" to it, acknowledge it, apologize for it, and try to "diffuse" it... He also said that, if their just having a "moment", having a behavior and throwing a fit for no reason that you brought on or know about, don't play their game... Do not let their acting like a two year old child, make you act like one too... It's their problem, do not let it become yours also... It's a problem with them, not you... Try to remember that... He also told me, "Besides that, your giving them way, way to much power and control over you... Your allowing them to control and manipulate you and do you really want that...? Keep you cool and keep your peace, and do not let what their doing, that is their problem, take this away from you... And, if you can, show them kindness and compassion and empathy anyway, for their problem(s) (their problem(s) not yours) And, don't take it personally, even if their in your face about something...
If your tempted to get out of control yourself, then take it to the Lord and tell him about it, for he want's you to do this with/on him, instead of them, cause, trust me, he can handle it, and most other people cannot... I vent to and with the Lord quite a bit, on a pretty regular basis, so I don't do it with them... And he desires us to do this very much, especially, and instead of taking it out on others, on other people, "out there" in the world... Trust me, the Lord can take it, he can handle it all, and, he's not gonna love you any less for it, even if some of it is directed at him personally... And, believe it or not, he knows that doing this actually develops, deepens and strengthens the depths of the intimacy and closeness of the relationship with him, in the end... He knows, he understands, and loves you just the same regardless...
Try this out, see how it works for you...
God Bless!
Last edited:
