Trust

[Stanfi]

The bible tells us to guard our hearts. At what point when you know someone do you feel that it is safe to put your trust in them, and open up to them? What things, and qualities should a person be on the look out for, before deciding to trust someone in relationship?

 

[ZiSunka]

I'll tell you, if you can accidentally do something embarssing in front of the the person and they don't run away, you can begin to trust them with your heart. That person knows what it is to be human, forgiving and loving.

 

[mina]

I agree. If you do something stupid or embaressing in front of that person and they still want to be your friend or more, then it's ok to start to trust them.

 

[wvmtnkid]

I think you build trust over time. I used to live by the motto I will trust you until you give me a reason not to. Not so much anymore. I think the more you get to know a person and you see how they treat their other friends, their family, how they react in situations and how they treat you, trust begins to develop. For example, does this person continually stand their friends up, make excuses, are they there at a place and a time when they said they were going to be? Do they keep their word? All this helps lead to trust. At least those are some things I look for. I also start with little things. If I can trust someone with little things than I gradually start with bigger and bigger things. Like yesterday, I had to meet someone at 5:15. We had only communicated by e-mail. But I trusted this person enough to know that he would be at the appointed place at the appointed time and if he couldn't be, he would let me know. He is someone I am working on a project with. Now the next time we have to set up a meeting, he has built some trust with me that I know he will be someplace that I ask him to be. The same goes for romantic relationships. I don't think you should just jump into one, I think you should take the time to get to know each other and build some trust before you decide which way the both of you want to go.

 

[the_man]

On some level, a persons actions (i.e. puts two cents back when the clerk gives the wrong change, is there in a timely fashion to engagements), builds your level of trust with them. This trust is given based on past events/behavior (evidence) or as Dr. Phil will say, 'best predictor of future behavior is past behavior'. That is a smart way guarding your trust. However, when we talk about romantic love, ultimately the trust has to be given (like a gift is given) with the risk that one could get hurt by being vulnerable thru their trust. When, Why, when, where and how can not be contained in a forumla.

 

[Stanfi]

However, when we talk about romantic love, ultimately the trust has to be given (like a gift is given) with the risk that one could get hurt by being vulnerable thru their trust. When, Why, when, where and how can not be contained in a forumla.

I agree trust in a romantic relationship is a gift, because you are giving someone your precious heart. However, as lambslove, and wvmtnkid has shown there are some guidelines which if will will set and follow, can help us from putting our trust in someone prematurely and getting hurt. These are the types of answers I was looking for when starting this thread. There is not much worse of a feeling as giving your heart to someone and then wishing you hadn't.

 

[wvmtnkid]

However, when we talk about romantic love, ultimately the trust has to be given (like a gift is given) with the risk that one could get hurt by being vulnerable thru their trust. When, Why, when, where and how can not be contained in a forumla.

I think to some degree when we trust with our hearts there is a risk that we will be vulnerable to hurt. And at a younger age, I would have taken that risk more readily. But as the saying goes "This ain't my first rodeo" and I have learned a few things through the years. I don't give my trust away as easily now. Before my trust is truly and completely given, in a romantic relationship, I have to have a sense that the person I am giving it to is worthy of that trust. Now that may sound a little high and mighty on my part, but if you have ever had your heart crushed repeatly, you would understand the caution. I have to know that the other person is going to be around for a bit and I am not just the flavor of the month, so to speak. Doesn't make it easy sometimes, but sometimes the good things in life don't always come easy.

 

[ZiSunka]

CS Lewis said that to love at all is to risk being hurt. You can't have love without risk, even the risk of losing trust in someone, even the risk of being hurt, smashed, destroyed.

Love isn't about not taking a risk, it's about learning about who is a good risk and who is a bad one.

The real question might be, "How do I know when someone is a poor risk with my heart?"

 

[Stanfi]

The real question might be, "How do I know when someone is a poor risk with my heart?"

I think this is the real question as to what I was wanting to know when I started this thread.

 

[pinPoint]

lambslove -- excellent answer on your first post and also answering to mrsta. question. someone once told me, that you will know whether you are to be together.

pin

 

[pinPoint]

The real question might be, "How do I know when someone is a poor risk with my heart?"

lambslove -- take a chance just like c. lewis said. remember that you cant go through life expecting nobody to ever let you down otherwise something bad will happen.

the only person I know who cant let you down is?... finish off that answer.

pin

 

[the_man]

I agree trust in a romantic relationship is a gift, because you are giving someone your precious heart. However, as lambslove, and wvmtnkid has shown there are some guidelines which if will will set and follow, can help us from putting our trust in someone prematurely and getting hurt. These are the types of answers I was looking for when starting this thread. There is not much worse of a feeling as giving your heart to someone and then wishing you hadn't.

What lambslove said is precisely what I was saying. To love without risk is to have never loved at all. When do you risk your heart? Is entirely up to you as I was saying, it is a gift you choose to give. There is no set point. But notice that I did not say that the trust given in romantic love is entirely based on a gift. I said it was ultimately based on the gift. The trust is partially built from past/present actions of said person. This is a basic trust which is based off past actions. Anything more than that starts to border gift state (territory). Where exactly the state line is really depends on the state we are talking about.

 

[ZiSunka]

lambslove -- take a chance just like c. lewis said. remember that you cant go through life expecting nobody to ever let you down otherwise something bad will happen.

the only person I know who cant let you down is?... finish off that answer.

pin

Thanks pinpoint! I've definitely decided to let him make the first move into more than friendship. I can be friendly, but I ain't making the first suggestion that we should be any more than that.

 

[desi]

Trust is granted by you to someone else. Proverbs says even the character of a child can be discerned by how they behave. If you parcel out trust by this standard you will rarely be disappointed.