Trust Issues - What to do

[gweneviere]

Just a quick post, b/c i don't have much time -

I am in a very serious relationship, we are planning to be married.

Unfortunately, our trust, mainly his trust in me, has deteriorated, due to past problems that haven't been resolved. I would just like some advice on ways to build our trust back.

I'll post more about it later, but I just wanted to start the thread so people could give me some feedback. thanks



We get in huge fights all the time, but he never listens to me, because he doesn't trust me anymore, and he thinks that i'm always lying or rationalizing my behavior. But I can't seem to build any trust, because he isn't willing to listen.

I know that he loves me, and cares about me, but it feels so hopeless, because i feel like i can never even explain to him what I think about a certain situation. He just assumes things about what i think, then doesn't let me tell him what I really think.

I'm sorry if this sounds confusing, but I would really like some advice.

 

[gweneviere]

Anyone there?

 

[Pope Gonzo]

Pray about it together. Study the Word together. Keep God at the focus - trust him before you trust each other. Maybe you shouldn't be planning on getting married quite yet. Work this out and then think about the big picture.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I'd be setting aside a time to talk - a talk without recriminations and anger. If either of you can't do that - then I'd walk away alone until it can happen. Nothing will get solved if you can't talk like two rational, sensible, mature adults about stuff like this.

If you can't physically talk about the hard issues like these without an argument ensuing, then I'd be questioning getting married. Getting married won't make these kinds of discussions any easier, it will just make it harder. And you'll start asking yourself in the marriage, why didn't we talk about this BEFORE we got married?

Set aside a time. Take a walk, bring a bible. Start getting to the depths of WHY he can't trust you. Why you have caused him to not trust you. Start working on those past issues. If you can't - then don't get married. These unresolved issues, if you get married, will start affecting every part of your married life - sex, money, belief systems, everything.

Find a good book on communicating. Study it. Gary Chapman has a good book, and Boundaries Before Marriage (the other title is Boundaries in Dating) is also very good.

I'd seriously be asking you to start instigating these conversations to help resolve this. If you can't get the talking done now, then marriage is going to be a HECK of a lot harder than it should be. Leaving things unresolved before the wedding day is just asking for trouble.

If he can't give you enough respect to let you talk about this without anger and recriminations, then he's not worth your time. Simple as that. Love is not just the emotions - it's the actions. If he isn't showing you love by respecting you, trusting you, and listening, then he isn't loving you.

If you aren't showing him love by being honest about stuff, talking through things with him, respecting his hurt, then you aren't loving him.

Talk it through, and don't talk any more about marriage until you have.

I've been exactly where you and had to call off an engagement. It taught me so much about how important discussing sensitive issues is before entering something like an engagement.

Start talking!

Sasch

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

oh - and him deciding what you think about an issue - that's called manipulation. If you then tell him what you believe - and he doesn't believe that's your real thoughts and convinces you of that - that's also manipulation.

You don't want a manipulative hubby. A husband should make you feel empowered and blessed and aware of your opinion, not weak, subservient and unaware of your own feelings.

Sasch

 

[gweneviere]

Thanks so much for the advice. I don't want to sound like an immature, little girl who is just getting out into the world. I have been on my own kind of for a while, and I've been through some stuff as a kid. It's all built up though, and some of it is effecting my life with my bf.

One of the main problems in our relationship is that I haven't fixed some of my problems that I have known about for a while, even though that was kind of the plan.

It just kind of stinks because it is so hard to change things, and when I haven't done it yet, it is hard to convince him that I am trying. I don't know - what do you guys think?

 

[Mapik]

gwen, I seem to think that we aren't getting the whole story. There has to be some reason why he doesn't trust you. Whether that was you cheating on him, or you lied to someone else and now he thinks that, it seems off.
Anyways, that doesn't really matter. If you boyfriend is a Christian, he should forgive you. The bible talks a lot about forgiving. This won't bring back the trust, but maybe ask him how you can regain it, or start from scratch.

Also, before the two of you should be considering marriage, you should make sure you relationship has little doubts and faults. The manipulation and the trust are two huge issues that you need to get figured out before the two of you get more serious.

Tell him to stop manipulating and start listening. He needs to listen before he can reply to what he thinks you think.

As Sasch said, the two of you need to start talking. No, not arguing, talking. If things are heading that way, calm yourselves down and continue. If he isn't letting you speak, patiently tell him so. Don't yell or force him to stop talking, but make sure you have say. I wish you the best.

 

[gweneviere]

We were on a great path, and our relationship was great, and then things started to go sour. He hates his job, and he's not happy, so naturally, he is easily angered.

I have never cheated on him, mapik, I just have done things that warrant not being trusted, but I have been trying for some time to regain his trust. Basically, I wasn't really taught anything when I was a kid, so I'm learning it now. Stuff like discipline, self control, order, and just stuff that parents teach you as you grow up. It is very frustrating because I know it all, but putting it into practice is a different story. Not to say that I'm a total slob and have no discipline, i just don't have these basic principles instilled in me like he does.

The biggest problem is that I have been "trying" to fix these problems for 2 years, about, and haven't yet resolved them - this is a lot of the reason that he is so frustrated.

I hope this gives you some more insight on the situation. I know he loves me, but he is so frustrated with me, and I don't want to lose him just because of that. I do feel that God put us together, we are just having trouble communicating and keeping things stable.

Any more insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Gwen

 

[SirKenin]

No trust, no respect, no communication, no relationship. All three of those things work hand in hand and all three must exist for a relationship to exist.

A lack of trust is usually due to a lack of communication and respect. And so on.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Hon,

I don't want to get you upset, but just to think.

If you are learning those things like self control, respect, discipline, order as you say - then you are in the worst place to learn it. Being in a relationship is hard enough without having to learn neglected behaviours.

My suggestion would be to be on your own for a bit. I know that's a tough call, but if you are trying to learn this stuff for yourself, you need to be alone to do it, without someone getting critical of you for it. Maybe you both need some space from each other so that you can do it without him being around to 'help' (or criticise), and without him having to get frustrated with you while you learn.

Another suggestion - have you got an older female in your life who you respect, is a Christian, and is willing to mentor you and help you gain these behaviours? Having someone slightly older and more mature in their Christian walk certainly helps in this. They can give you another honest, slightly removed, opinion of the relationship, as well as help you with this stuff. Just a thought?

Anyway, how are things going now? Are you talking to him? As I said before - no respect, no relationship.

Sasch

 

[gweneviere]

Ok, well, lol

The thing is, he was helping me a lot with all my issues from my past, but it is getting harder because of our situations: he doesn't like his job, I am getting ready to apply for law school, etc.

Our lives have just been crazy, and it's an extra kick in the butt that it seems like I haven't learned much in the past 2 1/2 years. Even though I have learned a lot from him, I have a really hard time putting into practice the things that I learn in that area. I don't know how else to explain it.

I just know that I have a lot that I need to do, but I am scared that if we separate for a while, we won't get back together. I guess that is the bottom line. I know God will do what is in his plan, but I just don't what I would do without him. On the other hand, it would be nice to be away from each other for a while. I'm so darn indecisive too, lol.

Thanks for all the input.

Gwen

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I remember feeling like that - what am I gonna do if he isn't around???

It ended up with me having a dream - one that started with me continually swimming upstream, fighting a current the whole way, getting weighed down, tired and exhausted.

All of a sudden, it was like a lightbulb came on saying 'you don't have to go this way', so I turned around, and everything fell into place, and the burden was lifted off of me.

I woke up and knew instantly what the dream was about - halting my relationship and calling off the wedding. It took 3 more times of God giving me that dream for me to go ahead and stop the relationship.

I'm not saying this will be a permanent breakup, but sometimes, the break is the one thing you need to make the relationship work. And if the relationship is as great as it should be, then you needn't be scared of the final outcome - God has it all in control, and knows what is best for you.

The issues you talked about seem to be ones that can be best resolved WITHOUT a relationship - the relationship will just hinder it in this instance, I believe.

I hope I don't sound callous with my advice, I remember how hard it is, but I'd hate for you to end up in an unhappy marriage, with issues still unresolved that are as big as this...

Sasch

 

[gweneviere]

just out of curiosity, what happened in your situation sascha?

Gwen

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

We broke up for good - there were a few out of the blue days where we'd see each other, but both of us knew that there was no point, and we had really gone our separate ways.

At that time, I was 18 when I met him, 19 when we got engaged, and 20 (and 3 months before the wedding) when we broke up. He was 8 years older, was a weak 'strong' man (ie manipulative, yet blamed everyone else for hassles in his life), and basically took the reigns of our relationship, and decided everything. I used to be someone who went along with everything, however it was during the relationship that I realised my concerns were valid, I had a good opinion and that I didn't have to always agree with everything he said.

I was finally strong enough to realise we were headed in separate ways, and had enough differing opinions to make our marriage a living hell. I realised that I would constantly be at the beck and call of where he felt we needed to be, when I am more a nester and like to plant roots. I also realised that whilst I was making the money, it would be MY job that would have to go if he felt led to go and video somewhere overseas.

We also had differing opinions on missionary work and working to make money.

I also knew that both of our beliefs and behaviours were shaped from parental input (or lack thereof), and needed to be resolved before marriage, and I didn't believe that the final outcome would make us any closer - rather it would push us apart.

All in all, our marriage would have been disastrous, and I'm glad I got out when I did.

Sasch

 

[gweneviere]

I think I'm going to talk to his mother about it maybe. We are pretty close. I know it is going to be a hard decision to make, and I thank you again for your avice. It is nice to be able to learn from someone else's experience.

Gwen