Troublesome cousin

[DZoolander]

So, this past weekend a group of family members came out to visit, along with a few of my daughter's cousins. One of them is about 8 years old, and has a lot of behavioral issues (extreme defiance, gets in a lot of trouble at school, bullies other kids and has been kicked out of one school/etc).

Well, we spend the day with them, and after we come home I'm talking to my daughter, and she drops the f-bomb three times (3.5 years old.)

Of course I was shocked..."Who told you to say that?"

"Nobody."

"You had to have heard it from somewhere. Where did you hear it from?"

...and she tells me. It's the cousin.

This is also after that same cousin got into a fight with her and kicked her - because she wouldn't get out of a chair that he wanted to sit in.

Clearly, I don't want her around him anymore, at least not in an unsupervised setting. The issue I'm having, though, is whether or not to tell that family member (his mom) that I feel that way.

They don't live particularly close - and she probably only sees that cousin maybe 4-5 times a year. Supervising them shouldn't be difficult, then, from this point on. She also already knows she's got a handful with the kid and is taking him to therapy.

Would you still tell her that you don't want them alone, or would you figure she's got enough on her plate and doesn't need to hear that/just monitor them the few times he's around by yourself?

 

[sdmsanjose]

Your first priority is your daughter. I know you know that EZ but just a reminder.


I would try to see how monitoring would work for a time or two but if it does not work out best for you and your child I would very diplomatically tell the mom that you want your child playing with a child her own age or something like that.

If all else fails I would just tell the mom that you do not want your daughter around a bully and a person who says vulgar words.

 

[Angeldove97]

Yes I would tell the parent how the child was acting and that you do not want your own child unsupervised from now on when your nephew is around. If she doesn't like, tough - you're protecting your child.

I have a cousin who was allowed to hurt me- scratch, pinch, yell at me- so one day I pushed him down and he started crying (he's about 6 years younger than me). I got yelled at by my Aunt but I explained to her that he was hurting me- he was pulling on my hair really hard and pinching me. It didn't matter though to her - my Mom even yelled at me As a child (and still as an adult) I didn't understand why I couldn't get him away from me to protect myself - I didn't want him hurt I just wanted him away from me.

You might not be able to change your nephew, but you can at least protect your child.

 

[LinkH]

So, this past weekend a group of family members came out to visit, along with a few of my daughter's cousins. One of them is about 8 years old, and has a lot of behavioral issues (extreme defiance, gets in a lot of trouble at school, bullies other kids and has been kicked out of one school/etc).

Well, we spend the day with them, and after we come home I'm talking to my daughter, and she drops the f-bomb three times (3.5 years old.)

Of course I was shocked..."Who told you to say that?"

"Nobody."

"You had to have heard it from somewhere. Where did you hear it from?"

...and she tells me. It's the cousin.

This is also after that same cousin got into a fight with her and kicked her - because she wouldn't get out of a chair that he wanted to sit in.

Clearly, I don't want her around him anymore, at least not in an unsupervised setting. The issue I'm having, though, is whether or not to tell that family member (his mom) that I feel that way.

They don't live particularly close - and she probably only sees that cousin maybe 4-5 times a year. Supervising them shouldn't be difficult, then, from this point on. She also already knows she's got a handful with the kid and is taking him to therapy.

Would you still tell her that you don't want them alone, or would you figure she's got enough on her plate and doesn't need to hear that/just monitor them the few times he's around by yourself?

I think you can wait until the kids encounter each other again before bringing up the subject, probably. But, especially if I were close to the child's parent (e.g. my sibling) I might have an urge give some parenting advice.

 

[Odetta]

This is tough. This is not as simple as you lay it out.

As the parent of a challenging child who is doing all I can think of, and is recommended to me, to help my kid, it would crush me to hear that someone wants to avoid me and my son. Especially if it's from a family member. And out of that hurt, I might start avoiding you, refuse to attend family events, etc. And then grow resentful because my one area of support - my family - has shown themselves to not be supportive at all. And you giving me parenting advice when you don't live with what I have to live with would totally tick me off, because you have no idea how heartbreaking it is to raise a challenging child, or what it feels like to have a child no one likes.

That said, you have every right to protect your child. Just know that it may cause a family wide upheaval depending on how you approach this. And in doing so, I hope that you would be the kind of person that this would break your heart too. Compassion is the only way anything good can come out of this.

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah - those are precisely the reasons why I am reluctant to tell her - and why I'm thinking about just being more careful monitoring them when he's around without saying a word about it. She already knows she has a problem on her hands, so it isn't like I'm bringing anything new to her attention.

 

[Avniel]

Yeah - those are precisely the reasons why I am reluctant to tell her - and why I'm thinking about just being more careful monitoring them when he's around without saying a word about it. She already knows she has a problem on her hands, so it isn't like I'm bringing anything new to her attention.

No need to remind someone of their burden I totally agree with you. I wouldn't leave them alone then the next time something happens say something.

 

[HannahT]

No need to remind someone of their burden I totally agree with you. I wouldn't leave them alone then the next time something happens say something.

I agree.

 

[Inkachu]

I would tell his mom in as casual a way as possible - "Just wanted to let you know that I overheard my toddler using the "f" word and when I asked where she'd heard it, she said it was from her cousin. Obviously, as a father, this concerns me, and I'd like you to address it before the kids spend time together again" - something like that. Be civil and kind, but firm. Your child's safety and well-being come first.

 

[seeingeyes]

So, this past weekend a group of family members came out to visit, along with a few of my daughter's cousins. One of them is about 8 years old, and has a lot of behavioral issues (extreme defiance, gets in a lot of trouble at school, bullies other kids and has been kicked out of one school/etc).

Well, we spend the day with them, and after we come home I'm talking to my daughter, and she drops the f-bomb three times (3.5 years old.)

Of course I was shocked..."Who told you to say that?"

"Nobody."

"You had to have heard it from somewhere. Where did you hear it from?"

...and she tells me. It's the cousin.

This is also after that same cousin got into a fight with her and kicked her - because she wouldn't get out of a chair that he wanted to sit in.

Clearly, I don't want her around him anymore, at least not in an unsupervised setting. The issue I'm having, though, is whether or not to tell that family member (his mom) that I feel that way.

They don't live particularly close - and she probably only sees that cousin maybe 4-5 times a year. Supervising them shouldn't be difficult, then, from this point on. She also already knows she's got a handful with the kid and is taking him to therapy.

Would you still tell her that you don't want them alone, or would you figure she's got enough on her plate and doesn't need to hear that/just monitor them the few times he's around by yourself?

I would recommend that further visits be supervised, but I would also say that you don't necessarily have to tell the parents that. (Especially since it's a known issue.) Just simply don't make plans for unsupervised visits.