Troubles of Childbirth

[spartan118]

I was on a parenting forum the other day and was reading through some of the members posts and started to notice a general trend. More than a few husbands had written in asking for advice on what to do about their wives post pregnancy behavior. The men were stating that the amount of physical and emotional intimacy they were receiving had been significantly reduced, or had been reduced to nothing at all. In each case, the amount of time this had been going on ranged from 4 months to 2 years. The men were sad and bitter about it and seemed to be shaken up.

The women on the forum wrote in and said that a mom has limited interest in being a loving wife while being a mother, and that they personally had lost a good percentage, or all of their interest in their husbands after childbirth. This wasn't 100% of the women, but it was a majority percentage.

The parents on this particular forum weren't necessarily religious, so I wanted to get the experiences of a perhaps more moral audience about this. Thoughts?

 

[LinkH]

I am a husband and father of four children. Yes, childbirth affects women's emotions and a couple's intimate life.

It can take weeks or months to physically heal up, so of course childbirth will effect a couple's intimate activities. If a mother nurses, that can be physically demanding, especially at first as she is learning the ropes. Waking up to make those bottles is also demanding.

Is there a product out there you put in formula and water and push a button to fill a bottle with a certain temperature of water? If not-- why hasn't some company done this yet. It would help with the sleep issues.

Some babies are big poopers and will fill up diapers at night. So parents have to keep getting up for feeding and diapers and stay up for burping. If the mother is nursing, she will have the heavier burden when it comes to these things. If she's on maternity leave, she may take more over.

So after a woman heals up, she's sleepy a lot of the time for months. Then there are hormones. Post-partum hormonal issues can cause problems, too. This can last for up to several months. Some women get full-blown post-partum depression. What is more common is post-partum blues.

Have you ever gotten into an argument with a woman with PMS? Multiply that times 15. I wanted to take our first baby downstairs to spend time with my parents when we were staying with them. My wife was afraid the stuff my mom used to clean the floor would hurt the baby. (New mothers can have this overly protective instinct that kicks in with the hormones. I think it's a lot more likely to happen on the first baby.) I'd talk to her about it, and she acted like I had hurt her by talking about this with her-- as if I'd done something cruel to her like put her pet puppy in the blender. (She didn't have a puppy. I'm just saying.) Post partum can turn into these crying, weepy arguments where she says a whole bunch of stuff about her feelings that doesn't make much sense to the husband. The husband has to be very understanding during this time.

The first-post partum was really bad. The second wasn't quite as bad, but I kind of backed off from my wife if she seemed moody too much because of the arguments the first time. If I had that to redo, I probably would do that differently. My wife had a little post-partum moodiness from time to time with this last baby, but not as severe as the first from my perspective. We didn't argue as much.

I think one reason we didn't argue as much is because we've grown in our relationship with each other, and we've also grown in our understanding of our roles in marriage. I know I need to love my wife in a self-sacrificing way. I knew what to expect with post-partum. I have to be careful to talk in a loving tone of voice if she is stressed and help relieve whatever burdens she has. She realizes better than in the past that she needs to be respectful and submissive toward me. That effects how she may speak to me. It really helps prevent arguments if each of you are careful not to yell or talk to each other disrespectfully. The respect and submission issues prevent the wife from steamrolling over her husband, pushing, or nagging to get her way. Post-partum may tempt a woman to do that. Having what your roles are engrained and in mind before it hits can help lessen it's effects, IMO.

Post-partum goes away after several months. In most cases, my wife was normal when I talked with her after childbirth. Post-partum emotional issues showed up occasionally, especially when she was tired, which happens a lot if the baby is young. Men get sleepy two if they care for the child at night, too. Sleepy men are certainly capable of grumpiness.

It helps us to pray and spend time in the word. My wife relies heavily on her fellowship with God in prayer to keep her moods straightened out anyway, apart from post-partum issues.

 

[citizenthom]

Post-partum is a big issue, especially if both spouses aren't prepared for it. That said, comments like "I'm not interested in being a wife anymore" are just manifestations of the attitude that the woman had in the first place, usually. If you went into marriage with a commitment toward meeting each other's intimate needs and emotional needs, you can weather that post-partum period and come out OK. If you don't have that commitment, that's when husbands start to get tossed to the side and dejected, and respond by abandoning their own roles as husbands and fathers, and so on and so forth in a vicious cycle.

Like most pitfalls of marriage, knowing what to expect and having parallel mindsets helps a lot.

 

[Angeldove97]

I'm not a Mom yet, but I can understand how a wife or husband would lack intimacy when you have a newborn in the house. It's a hard adjustment from what I've seen my friends go through, though a rewarding one. I think, perhaps, that its something that should be openly discussed by husband and wife BEFORE they're married.

My husband and I did discuss this and we agree that should we be blessed with children we'll have to work on making sure that the marriage bed stays a marriage bed (I don't believe in having children sleep in our bed, unless they've had a bad dream, etc-- we're not for co-sleeping though) and that we focus on having date nights and vacations just for him and I together (I don't think its necessary to take a baby on vacation- they probably won't remember the trip, the change with traveling and a new place will break up their normal routine and I think that's very important for a child). (My inlaws didn't go any where when my BIL was born for two years-- even then they didn't want to leave the kids. They have a strong marriage, but still... married couples need time apart from their kids)

So while being a mother is an important role, I hope that I will remember I was a wife first.

 

[LinkH]

Before the kids, a wife may seek a lot of affection from her husband to meet an emotional need for skin contact, affection, and a certain bonding hormone that makes people feel good. This desire may enhance the couple's intimate life.

After the baby is born, especially if the baby nurses, the mother is in contact with the baby and may not feel the need for affection. Add to that tiredness, etc. that comes with being a new mom. It can take some time to adjust.

As far as children in the bed goes-- it depends on the age. When they are babies and still nursing, having the baby in the bed makes sense so the mother can nurse and still rest. By the time they get to toddler age, I personally don't want them in the bed during night time hours. They need to learn to sleep alone. If there are siblings to share a room with, they may feel less lonely.

Someone told me don't have just one kid or you'll be entertaining that child all the time. Have at least two. That way, if you are busy, they will entertain each other, and you will be interrupted to break up fights. Then they play again. They do seem to have more fun if there are more than one of them.

 

[iambren]

Part of me wants to say--this is where you woo a mistress and proceed with a smile. What prompts me to say that is SOME women use this as an excuse to cool the sex, shirking responsibility that she's a wife too!

Sadly however, we were told 6 weeks of actual physical healing before coitus. But then, a baby IS exhausting. Do you both share getting up at night? PRAY you don't get a colicky baby (as we had 4 mos). I was so sleep deprived and when I got home from work~ 6PM she looked like a zombie, handed me the kid, and went to bed. So naturally sex decreases but gradually gets better as you share the joy of parenting.

And when you kick them out to college you both can run around the house naked again. Yippee! (Of course you may not care as much then)

 

[spartan118]

Do you guys think that your relationship with your respective partner would be better had children not been introduced?

 

[iambren]

FWIW, a man may have more sex and the house would be neater/cleaner but there's a deepening and enriching thing in having children. This is a mini-kingdom that you both have created together and learned to give selflessly, even if it is a little messy. Good tradeoff to make you closer in life.

 

[JRSut1000]

I love the way you phrased that - "There is a mini-kingdom that you both have created". It's so true, there is a quote I remember from a kid's tv show that has always stuck with me since I heard it: "When the family gets bigger, all of our hearts get a little bigger".

It's more challenging having children, but with greater responsibility can come greater joy too. Children ARE a blessing and inheritance, they are not a burden. It's a mentality that both wife and husband need when giong into the marriage or else one or the other will resent the children or the wife for taking care of those children.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Interesting thread. We do not have children yet. Subscribing.

 

[LivinInFaith]

I'm going to throw in my two-cents because this has been a major issue in my marriage recently - I had an emergency C-section in early May and I can tell you having a baby definitely makes marriage interesting.

Hormones are definitely an issue - but as someone said before they tend to only flare up from time to time (when tired, or hungry, or just mentally worn down).

I have not personally found any less desire for physical intimacy with my husband, however for the first time in our marriage of 4 years I have turned him down twice since our daughter was born - but truly only because I was absolutely exhausted and would have fallen asleep before we had gotten anywhere.

I really think that how a woman copes with it is in part dependent on the support the father is able to offer. The first three months were really hard because I was doing almost everything myself - DH was amazing about cooking, cleaning the house, and taking care of our pets, but I was fully in charge of the baby. If you have never had a newborn - they literally become #1 - you have to feed them on demand, burp them after each feeding (not always as easy as it sounds) change them whenever they dirty their diapers, soothe them when they seem to be crying for no reason, etc. In the first few weeks, you are doing these things in 2-3 hour cycles around clock, in each cycle you have an hour of freetime - but you try going a day where you get your 8 hours of sleep in 1-hour increments... not fun. When breastfeeding especially, that is a new mom's life. If a husband is amazing he will make sure to be there with the mom every step of the way - run her shoulders while she is feeding the baby to help her relax. When the baby is done eating, take turns burping the baby, changing diapers, and getting the baby back to sleep. If a wife is left to do everything on her own, she will grow resentful. Obviously if there is resentment then she will not desire physical intimacy, whereas if the dad steps up and takes much of the pressure off of her as she can, she is more likely to respond positively to intimacy in any form.

 

[Niffer]

Well, during pregnancy most women's hormones can actually cause an increased sexual desire, so, ya know, take advantage of that, because 6 weeks after giving birth, sex is a no-no.

After, well, I have a 14 m.o. and yes, I can be exhausted but I've learned to give a little more compassion, and for hubby to give a little more grace, it goes a long way.
As for being a good wife vs. good mother - I have found that the better wife I am, the better mother I am.
Hubby and I are going to a Marriage retreat end of the month, first time I'll be leaving my little Eloise since she's been born, but it's a great opportunity, we both know we'd benefit from a weekend away, just the two of us - So as hard as it is to leave, I know a healthier marriage will make for a happier home, and thats what's most important for my children.
Safety, love and security from both parents.

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Have you ever gotten into an argument with a woman with PMS? Multiply that times 15.

Grant it I am not married but being homeschooled and around TONS of families every day I seen how the women would get when pregnant. >.<

I often think couples don't realize just how much stress/work comes with having a child. You really need to talk about it, weigh the options, check your finances and make you are ready. Theres no do overs once you have a child. It will stress the marriage if you aren't ready.

Its why me and my fiance are not having a child. We may adopt a child whos a few years older though and avoid the stress of having a newborn.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

Being tired can put a major spanner in the works when it comes to marital intimacy. To the husband, I can only advise taking the time to relax your wife before proceeding.

Its why me and my fiance are not having a child. We may adopt a child whos a few years older though and avoid the stress of having a newborn.

Oh my goodness, if this is your only reason for adopting an older child, please don't do it. As a foster parent, I can tell you, it is far, far easier to parent a newborn then it is a child who has been abandoned or removed from their home for abuse or neglect.

 

[Niffer]

Grant it I am not married but being homeschooled and around TONS of families every day I seen how the women would get when pregnant. >.<

I often think couples don't realize just how much stress/work comes with having a child. You really need to talk about it, weigh the options, check your finances and make you are ready. Theres no do overs once you have a child. It will stress the marriage if you aren't ready.

Its why me and my fiance are not having a child. We may adopt a child whos a few years older though and avoid the stress of having a newborn.

LOL! Newborns are EASY! Unless they're colic-y, they sleep all the time.
All I had to do was put mine in a baby swing and she'd zonk out and sleep most of the day, every 2-3 hours I'd have to nurse, but thats about it.

Older adopted children can have much deeper emotional needs than the superficial ones a newborn has.

Please don't look at adoption as being 'easier' - the only thing harder than adoption is fostering, and that can tear your heart out.

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[JRSut1000]

My little one had colic, so infancy was a struggle. But for some parents infancy is a breeze. But no matter what each stage has its triumphs, joys, and developmental challenges. But dont write off infancy as the 'hardest phase' because thats just jumping to conclusions. Adopting an older child can be harder as Niffer said. I was adopted when I was 3.5 and yes I had emotional/attachment issues that needed worked out with love and patience. It wasnt easy.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

To me its just to much hearing about for the first two years being hard because you lack sleep, you stress since your new to having a child, the love life disappears practically...etc. My sister in Christ said she had to get up every few hours to breastfeed the baby which then woke her husband up too. Of course I realize because they are babies they require more attention obviously since they can't help themselves.

For me though my health is on the edge as it is. But I won't reject the idea of having a child though. If God wants it to happen it will happen. And yeah adoption has its pros and cons. I hear to many horror stories about adoption. But then at times I see good stories to.

I think right now me and my fiance are in a mixed place about it all. I love kids, she doesn't as much. So for we won't have any. But I know most women even if they say they don't want one, they still find great joy when they do have one. I don't want her to miss out on that joy of being a mother.

When she holds our godchild her natural motherly instincts come out. If you didn't know any better you'd think it was her child and not her sisters. But then again when she teaches sunday school she does say she gets sick before shes done because its to stressful for her. So we have to consider her health, especially since shes fighting off TB currently.

Another issue is I am on SSI and have about $32 a month after rent, bills...etc. When she comes here she said she will work but I doubt we could afford a child currently. And of course we will also be living at my parents house which is falling apart. And it doesn't help that my dad said he doens't really want children in the house since he doens't sleep well.

My last worry is I fear so much that we could lose the child. I may love children but because of my brain injury I forget things alot, I often don't feel well from other issues. If my child ever got hurt badly because I forgot something like to watch them in the tub.... I would never get over that. Never. Even more so if they died. And I know this is cause for the family services to take away a child.

I want to be the best father I can be, so I worry alot but if I can actually be the best I can be since I am disabled among other things. But again its in Gods hands. If we don't have a child then we are happy with that. If we do have a child we will still be happy with it!

BTW sorry to the original poster, didn't mean to hijack your thread lol.

 

[gracefulone1980]

My husband and I have been married almost 10 years and together twelve. We have three children (who were back to back babies-we were that family with 3 under 3) and I never had any of the problems you are describing. My affections and desires for my husband never subsided post-pardom at all.

 

[LinkH]

Just thinking about the OP. As a man, something you might want to do before having a baby is have a talk with your wife about the need to maintain sexual fulfillment after marriage. Explain to her how many wives feel diminished need for this type of intimacy because she is with the baby all the time. But the husband still has need for intimacy with his wife. She'll have to understand it may take some effort on her part to get back in the swing of things.

But as a man, you have to be patient and wait for a loooong time for your wife to heal up. You also have to be very patient during the mood swings, the healing process, and the stress that comes with lack of sleep. Fortunately, having a new baby is also a time of great joy as well.

 

[iambren]

It may be good to have a talk but I found having a new baby (especially new parents) is like a train engine blowing through the house and with colic you get the caboose too.

I think it's best to say to each other--our marriage is gonna take a hit, were gonna have less sex, were gonna suffer sleep deprivation but were gonna be the best parents we can be. We'll take date-nights out and work to keep the home fires burning being patient with each other.