troubled

[crickettledford]

Married 18 years, when husband cheated due to extreme porn use. We are trying to repair our marriage. My husband has been texting other women he works with, some just a little work comments, but he seems to focus on one younger woman is this ok. He thinks im controling him when I act concerned.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Are you trying to control him?

A man tends to go where he feels good. Does he feel good about himself when he is around you? That is a rhetorical question you don't have to answer, but the answer to it should give you a good idea of how your husband feels about the marriage. If he doesn't feel good there then where will he go to feel good?

I expect people to say that he is wrong and he should beg your forgiveness and he should whatever. I don't think life works like that most of the time though. What do you think?

 

[cerette]

I guess it depends on why he texts them, and how often etc. Even if it's just work stuff, he shouldn't be doing it during his spare time if it annoys you. Leave work at work and focus on family on your spare time.
How would he feel if you texted a bunch of other men?

 

[Hetta]

Married 18 years, when husband cheated due to extreme porn use. We are trying to repair our marriage. My husband has been texting other women he works with, some just a little work comments, but he seems to focus on one younger woman is this ok. He thinks im controling him when I act concerned.

Your husband cheated, you know about this, but he's still texting women? What kind of job does he have? Does it call for a great deal of texting outside of work? Or is he making up reasons to text these women?

 

[crickettledford]

He texts most of the time because he gets bored at work. But twice he has focused on a young woman and texted while he was at work and she was at home. Mostly everday stuff, but he also shared our recent problems with her, like she is a confidant. He just me her at work and she is half his age, and that is the type of girl he cheated with. He has PTSD and we are trying to work thought it. But his moods go up and down and he cant see why this worries me. It has been very hard. He loves me but he moves back and forth with the desire to follow God and to get what he wants when he wants it no matter the hurt it may cause.

 

[Hetta]

It's a big no to be involving a third party (who is not a counselor) in discussions about marital problems. Has he had counlseing for PTSD? I didn't think it was something that a person just worked through alone?

 

[crickettledford]

Hetta, thanks, after 18 years he has finally decided to go to counseling for this. We have tried meds for depression and manic depression, but we think this will help. He is willing to go and wants to make thi work. I do not in any way want to control him, i want him to be happy. He wants both ways. we both want to follow God, but he wants both worlds (party , lies and porn and a loving wife)and it is tearing us apart.

 

[Hetta]

FTR, I didn't think you wanted to control him. I think that you want for your husband to be your husband, and not be running around talking about your marriage to other women, when he has already had one affair. I think that counseling is probably the best way forward. PTSD is a serious condition. You have my prayers for success and a renewal of your marriage.

 

[ValleyGal]

While it's great he is dealing with PTSD, it is no excuse for adultery. The symptoms are not connected. One symptom might be to feel disconnected from certain people, it does not include running to the arms of another.

He sinned against you, he broke your trust, and he is the one who should be working doubly hard to earn that trust back. One thing I've noticed about adultery is that it's usually the faithful one who ends up being the one who kow-tows around trying to earn back the cheater's love. It should be the other way around. After all, in all other situations where we've hurt someone, it's up to the one who does the hurting to express sorrow and then rectify (make amends, or whatever) - not the one who was hurt. So why is adultery so backward?? He hurt you! He should be the one making the amends, giving you reason to trust him again rather than feed your insecurities that it will happen again.

Imo, you should tell him that his actions are not exactly supporting your attempts to learn to trust him again.

 

[crickettledford]

So I know people fall in and out of love during a marriage for different reasons, especially if you are dealing with PTSD. He says he still loves me but is not inlove, not sure how I feel about that. He has been trying really hard to be the family man, but I not sure where to go from here.

 

[Hetta]

OMW, the ILYBINILWY meme. <eye roll>

Sorry, I'm not mocking you, just mocking that awful thing that people say to each other as a way to excuse their bad behavior. He needs to work at being "in love". It's no excuse for anything. Is he still texting the young woman?