trouble with past

[EmEnDbLu]

about a week ago my wife revealed somthing to me that she had kept a secrete for the last 18 years of our marriage. She told me that when she was 15 she had gotten an abortion. I did not say much and she did not remember it the next day because she had been drinking that night. I am not sure how to go about confronting her with this issue.

 

[John812]

You got married at age eleven?

 

[EmEnDbLu]

no, i did not want to put in my real personal information into the profile. I have several friends who frequent several christian message boards and do not want them to be able to find out everything going on in my life

 

[Caprice]

no, i did not want to put in my real personal information into the profile. I have several friends who frequent several christian message boards and do not want them to be able to find out everything going on in my life

I find it sad that you have to worry about hiding things from your "friends".

In regards to your original post: If it bugs you, you really need to talk to her about it. Just tell her that she said soemthing about an abortion at age 15 and wondered if she was being serious or not.

I'm a little curious tho, presuming it does bug you (or you wouldn't be talking about confronting her at all I figure), can you elaborate as to why? Did this happen during yoru relationship? Or is the complaint more on the moral grounds of abortion being wrong. Either way, are you able to forgive her for it? Just some things to think about - don't answer to me unless you think it is important to do so cos obviously I don't need to really know (I'm guessing if you are secretive with your friends you are secretive in general - sorry if I presume too much).

 

[EmEnDbLu]

i am not a secretive person. I tell my friends just about everything, but i tell them when i decide is a good time, i dont want them finding out from a message board then asking others about it before i get a chance to talk to them about it. it happend before i met her so there was not a problem with cheating, its just i do not belive in abortion from a moral stand point

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I can see how you might be upset....but if this happened before you were in a relationship with her, than it is not something that should upset you. I think that you should be supportive of your wife because having an abortion is not an easy thing to do, and one has great regrets for the most part. The fact that she has been hiding this for long tells met that perhaps she has been afraid of what you might think of her after she tells you this. I would advice you not to condemn her for what she has done in the past.

 

[Caprice]

it happend before i met her so there was not a problem with cheating, its just i do not belive in abortion from a moral stand point

I don't either, so I can kinda understand the issue, but being it was quite some time ago, I would probably not let myself be too upset about it. I would definetly ask in passing what she was talkign about and want details, I expect brutal openness and honesty from my wife. LOL

(((HUG)))

 

[azzy]

Hi friend,sounds like a lot of secrets are in your life.


My humble advice ,is to love your wife as Christ loved the church,and gave himself for it.Maybe you already do,who knows,but love covers a multitude of sins,and love is merciful,and kind,and forgiving,and seeketh not its own.Love is gentle.Love is forever.

God is love.

May the Lord bless your marriage,and send blessings into your household,amen.

 

[In A Perfect World]

It almost doesn't affect you as much as you think. As long as she has changed her risky ways since, I would just forgive the transgression and move on. Can't change the past.

 

[dkara]

about a week ago my wife revealed somthing to me that she had kept a secrete for the last 18 years of our marriage. She told me that when she was 15 she had gotten an abortion. I did not say much and she did not remember it the next day because she had been drinking that night. I am not sure how to go about confronting her with this issue.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

But the struggle is all yours. She has trusted you enough to tell you her deepest, darkest secret--one it took her 19 years to get out. But she loves you enough and trusts you enough now to have told you. It obviously is NOT something she is proud of, or it wouldn't have taken her so long to confess. And also what someone said above is true--in all most all cases 'abortions' are not done cavalerly.

If you were absolutely perfect at 15 and committed no 'sins' then maybe you can throw a rock. But I'm sure you weren't. And do no measuring of sin against sin--God doesn't, we shouldn't. Sin is sin. So because you are forgiven and you know she is forgiven---then how can you not forgive her?

Now is a wonderful opportunity to draw closer together. She trusted your with her worst, now let her know how sad you are she had to do this--and how much you love her. And work on your forgiveness inside yourself---it's also a wonderful opportunity to show love in action.

And I'm not saying it will be easy, just that it is right and right is often hard. But the rewards for right are tremendous.

Blessings

 

[Eldy]

about a week ago my wife revealed somthing to me that she had kept a secrete for the last 18 years of our marriage. She told me that when she was 15 she had gotten an abortion. I did not say much and she did not remember it the next day because she had been drinking that night. I am not sure how to go about confronting her with this issue.

Couple of issues here that I can see....

Number one. Is your wife a Christian? If so, even though abortion is a sin, Jesus has forgiven her and I don't see what "confronting" her is going to do except alienate you from her. Maybe there is a reason she has not felt like she could confide in you in eighteen years. Do you "confront" her a lot? Maybe if she felt she could come to you and find support she would. If she has repented of this sin, she knows it is wrong and probably carries a great deal of regret and needs you to be her husband, not her dad.

If she is not a Christian, you need to gently lead her to finding that peace and forgiveness for this and all her other sins that only Christ can accomplish.


Number two. Assuming you two are Christians, why are you getting so drunk that there is blackouts happening? While I am definately not a teetotaler, the Bible definately says that drunkenness is a sin. If there is a drinking problem going on, this may be a product of the guilt of her sin of abortion and further reason to be her confidant. And if you are drinking like this too, you really need to take a better look at this.

 

[EmEnDbLu]

we do not drink heavily on a normal basis and she is not very big so it was a relativley small amount of alchol. and she is a christian and seems to feel very badly about what she did now that i have spoken to her about it

 

[""]

I am not sure how to go about confronting her with this issue.

Confront her? I would follow her lead, immediately after she confronts you about all of the sins you committed before you married her.

If she confided in you that she had an abortion at 15 years of age, then realize that she trusts you enough to share this information with you. If she did so while intoxicated, perhaps that was because drinking gave her the courage to make this admission? I'm only guessing of course. The last thing you could do is condemn her or confront her. You say that she has forgotten talking about it, but I don't believe this is true. Don't judge her, and don't punish her. Be comforting, be normal, and show compassion.

As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one Romans 3:10

 

[Nymphalidae]

Why did it take your wife so long to tell you? And why did she have to get drunk first? That seems fishy.

 

[EmEnDbLu]

i am not sure why she never would have brought this up before. I have never been fanatically pro life or anything. i wasent even really upset about the abortion only that she kept it a secrete so long

 

[ChristianCenturion]

Why did it take your wife so long to tell you? And why did she have to get drunk first? That seems fishy.

This poster seems to have a lot of things going on right now.
http://www.christianforums.com/t2021374-teenage-son.html
http://www.christianforums.com/t2021383-teenage-daughter.html

 

[ChristianCenturion]

no, i did not want to put in my real personal information into the profile...

That would be called lying then and one you can't correct on the forum.

 

[Eldy]

This poster seems to have a lot of things going on right now.
http://www.christianforums.com/t2021374-teenage-son.html
http://www.christianforums.com/t2021383-teenage-daughter.html

Hey, great point. Either this poster is just trying to pull the wool over our eyes or they have the absolute most dysfunctional family around.

HMMMM!