Trouble Connecting With Christians

[designer mom]

I find that I'm having trouble connecting with Christians, whereas I have never really had a hard time connecting with unbelievers before. I started attending a Church and home group about 2 months ago and have yet to feel like I've connected with any of the members of the congregation. I feel like I'm being passed over by everyone, like they do not see me as a person that has any worth and value to them, and I am not worth their time. For example, during my home group, one of the women there invited another new church member over to do some gardening right in front of me, when I had just told her the week before that I started my first garden and could use some help. Another example was when a man extended an "up in the air" invite to me and my husband to come over some time in the near future. He said he would talk to his wife about it, and then we never heard another word about it. I feel like he must have gone home and brought it up, and she said no, and rejected the idea - rejected us. Every person I've expressed a need to sit down and talk with has suggested I go see the pastor. I don't know the pastor, and he's paid to talk to me, so obviously he's going to be interested in spending time with me. I'm making it known that I'm new to the region, have no friends, feel very lonely, feel very confused and needing to connect with people, and they respond with sympathy by saying "awwww that must be difficult" and things like that, but never expressing any interest to connect with me on a personal level. I found out that my neighbor is a Christian too, and they only time she has EVER spoken to me was when she was trying to sell me something. That doesn't make me feel valued as a person at all, or like I really want to try spend any additional time with her. I just don't understand this behavior, I thought that Christianity is about building relationships. Obviously as I'm feeling hurt by people in my new church, my natural inclination is going to be to withdraw and protect myself. I had the thought of extending invites to these people to come over to our house, but frankly, the thought of pursuing a friendship with a person who is making me feel unwanted right off the bat is not appealing. Why be a glutton for punishment?

I just don't understand what the problem is. The unbelievers that I've become friends with in the past made me feel like I had value to them. They wanted to know things about me, and extended invitations to do things (and vice versa). They would even be offended when I didn't make enough time for them! That makes me feel worthy and valued.

Why are things so different in the Christian community? Is this why Christians have such a bad reputation for being hypocrites? Am I doing something wrong here? I just don't understand what the problem is, and I do not want to seek out non-believers as friends, but I'm also very lonely and desperate to connect with someone. It's so difficult being new in an area, and even more difficult when no one seems to care that I'm here.

 

[Radagast]

I find that I'm having trouble connecting with Christians, whereas I have never really had a hard time connecting with unbelievers before...

That sounds unpleasant. What kind of church do you go to?

 

[1watchman]

That is sad to hear. Christians need to be showing the love of God --not only to their members.

 

[Harry3142]

If I remember correctly, Word of Faith is an independent church. What is their attitude toward other denominations? Do they see their pastor as not only their advisor, but also the person who must give the approval for whatever the members plan to do? Does their leadership preach isolationism ("We must stay away from every other church because they are evil, and only we know the correct path to salvation")?

I suggest that you visit churches of other denominations that are located in your region. The warmth you seek is out there. It is simply a matter of finding a church where it is given free rein.

 

[designer mom]

Thanks everyone, it's a Christian Missionary Alliance church. I don't think that I'm "word of faith", I just have to change my icon to "christian" because I don't know where I fit really. I'm glad to hear that it's not me, I was even asking my husband this morning if there's something wrong with me that I'm incapable of seeing. At first I thought that this church was going to be great, everyone wanted to meet us and ask us a bunch of questions...but now I just feel like they were being insincere because these same people are the ones acting like this.

 

[Living in the Light]

The right church is everything and I would shop around with other denominations. Maybe a small church with a Bible study could work for you. I would pray for God to lead you to the right church. Also, it sometimes takes a little time to form bonds. Personally, it doesn't matter to me if people are particularly friendly or accepting or not. Church to me is about worship.

 

[Bible2]

designer mom said in post #1:

Why are things so different in the Christian community?

They aren't, per se. Just find a more friendly church or home group (you may have to go through a few).

Am I doing something wrong here?

Generally, you don't want to present yourself as being in an overly-needy or desperate condition, as this could scare any mere-mortal away. For anyone could fear there's no way they could ever fill what they see as your overly-immense need.

I'm also very lonely and desperate to connect with someone.

Lay that burden on Jesus only, not on any mere mortal.

When you feel lonely, simply remember that Jesus himself is always right there with you (Matthew 28:20b, Hebrews 13:5b, John 14:21), as is God the Father (John 14:23) and the Holy Spirit (John 14:16). For all three Persons of the Trinity are living within even the very hearts of obedient believers (Ephesians 3:17-19, John 14:23, 2 Corinthians 1:22).

 

[salida]

Go to a different church-it sounds like the holy spirit left them.

 

[ChristineM130]

When I started attending church, I began going to an Alliance church. They were lovely people, but I was so lonely the whole time I was there! I joined a group for college age people and just never really fit in; they had all been raised in the church and were really wonderful, but felt like they were just so different from me. The church was just so big I kind of fell through the cracks. I can't stress enough; what a lovely place full of great people, just wasn't the place for me.

When I started attending the church I am a member of now, I was enthusiastically received, and still felt out of place for a little while (as the newcomer, it takes time to get to know everyone!). Within a couple months, we'd already developed friendships.

If you don't feel right there, go somewhere else. If you would like to try to get to know other members, maybe joining a smaller group (like evening Bible studies or women's groups) would help you get to know people. When I went to a big church, there were so many people that they'd all say "hi" to me, but didn't ever have the time to get to know me because they always had a hundred more people to say hello to!

 

[mark kennedy]

I would suggest you find a Pentecostal church, the Assemblies of God are very focused on new converts and you'll find a warm fellowship most of the time. Word of Faith is a Charismatic movement and represent a more trendy approach to Christianity. The Calvary Chapel churches have the same standoffish way about them. I would also advise against the Baptist churches since they are focused mostly on evangelism.

My feeling is that you are in the wrong environment, your needs are simply not going to be meet in a Word of Faith church. The one endearing feature of virtually any Pentecostal church is that when you walk in a look around you will see a variety of ethnic groups as well as age groups. They are very ministry minded and most Pentecostals will involve themselves in some kind of a ministry early and often.

I really think a home fellowship has it's merit if the group is close or somehow isolated. Otherwise I would suggest you find a nice AOG church and I'm certain you will see the difference very quickly.

Grace and peace,
Mark

 

[now faith]

If I remember correctly, Word of Faith is an independent church. What is their attitude toward other denominations? Do they see their pastor as not only their advisor, but also the person who must give the approval for whatever the members plan to do? Does their leadership preach isolationism ("We must stay away from every other church because they are evil, and only we know the correct path to salvation")?

I suggest that you visit churches of other denominations that are located in your region. The warmth you seek is out there. It is simply a matter of finding a church where it is given free rein.

No WOF loves everyone , we are different because we believe in what the word of God says instead of making up dogmas and excluding half of the bible. We do not persecute other faiths we believe others have salvation but just don't have faith enough to trust his word

 

[now faith]

I find that I'm having trouble connecting with Christians, whereas I have never really had a hard time connecting with unbelievers before. I started attending a Church and home group about 2 months ago and have yet to feel like I've connected with any of the members of the congregation. I feel like I'm being passed over by everyone, like they do not see me as a person that has any worth and value to them, and I am not worth their time. For example, during my home group, one of the women there invited another new church member over to do some gardening right in front of me, when I had just told her the week before that I started my first garden and could use some help. Another example was when a man extended an "up in the air" invite to me and my husband to come over some time in the near future. He said he would talk to his wife about it, and then we never heard another word about it. I feel like he must have gone home and brought it up, and she said no, and rejected the idea - rejected us. Every person I've expressed a need to sit down and talk with has suggested I go see the pastor. I don't know the pastor, and he's paid to talk to me, so obviously he's going to be interested in spending time with me. I'm making it known that I'm new to the region, have no friends, feel very lonely, feel very confused and needing to connect with people, and they respond with sympathy by saying "awwww that must be difficult" and things like that, but never expressing any interest to connect with me on a personal level. I found out that my neighbor is a Christian too, and they only time she has EVER spoken to me was when she was trying to sell me something. That doesn't make me feel valued as a person at all, or like I really want to try spend any additional time with her. I just don't understand this behavior, I thought that Christianity is about building relationships. Obviously as I'm feeling hurt by people in my new church, my natural inclination is going to be to withdraw and protect myself. I had the thought of extending invites to these people to come over to our house, but frankly, the thought of pursuing a friendship with a person who is making me feel unwanted right off the bat is not appealing. Why be a glutton for punishment?

I just don't understand what the problem is. The unbelievers that I've become friends with in the past made me feel like I had value to them. They wanted to know things about me, and extended invitations to do things (and vice versa). They would even be offended when I didn't make enough time for them! That makes me feel worthy and valued.

Why are things so different in the Christian community? Is this why Christians have such a bad reputation for being hypocrites? Am I doing something wrong here? I just don't understand what the problem is, and I do not want to seek out non-believers as friends, but I'm also very lonely and desperate to connect with someone. It's so difficult being new in an area, and even more difficult when no one seems to care that I'm here.

Sounds like a snobbish country club, that's sad. Some churches work on getting people out more than getting them in. Pray God will take you to your home church, he will ! Visit the Word Of Faith forum here and explore a bit ask questions and compare your answers with Gods word, we welcome new people!

 

[caligirl89]

I'm glad I read this, cause I thought it was just me. I feel like I have nothing in common with other Christians. I get along so much better with non-believers, and Christians that don't "follow" the Word to a T, I don't know how to describe it. The Christian friends I have are very lapse about it, I guess. I found a great church with a great pastor, and a great group of people that I hang out with often, I like them all and they seem to like me, but it's difficult because I feel like I have nothing to talk about with them other than God. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I feel like He is ALL they talk about, and I'm kind of just like...... Okay..... I also feel like it's been hard to become "part" of the group because they have all known eachother a long time and being the new person sucks, because you have no idea what they're talking about or whatever. They're way more into scriptures and various interpretations than I am. Like this guy was talking to me about different Bible translations, and it was fine, but it's weird because I feel like I don't care about that stuff the way they do. Or at all. I'm not technically a new Christian, just new to non-demoninational Christianity, so I live (and always have lived) a completely Christian lifestyle in all areas and follow the Word in my every day life, but I feel like I don't want to TALK about it or differing Bible verses in my spare time. Like I worship and study the Bible when I'm alone, I'm just a more private faith person I guess, so it's not something I wanna talk about in social settings. It's just hard to adjust, they're all very fundamentalist and although I am too, they're a little more hardcore about it. I go to the college group there, and the people are all lovely, but I just feel out of place because we are just so different. I feel like even most of them are only friends on the surface, everyone seems so into God they can't formulate relationships based on anything else. Which I guess isn't necessarily bad, but it sure makes it awkward when you're like hey how was your weekend and they tell you they studied the Bible for 2 days straight. And you're like oh cool, I went to the movies.... :\ lol. Part of the time I wonder if it's me because I feel so awkward, but then I go to school and get along great with people in my classes, so I know it's not. Then the other part of the time I feel bad because I feel like a 'bad' Christian for not caring about the stuff they care about and reading the Bible 24/7. I kinda wanna try the church down the street, but I feel like I JUST started to settle in at my church, I don't wanna uproot myself again. Plus their teachings are a little different/alot more liberal so I prefer the church I'm at now as far as doctrine. It's just the people.... ahh sorry this turned into a novel, I guess I can just relate!

 

[hedrick]

I can't tell you whether to change churches or not, but I can say that I've seen a tendency towards narrowness in Christians of all kind. There is quite a variety of ways to be Christian, from the highly liturgical churches to rolling in the aisle, and life in monastic communities to taking Jesus to the streets. I don't think the people you're dealing with are bad Christians. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that the Holy Spirit has left them. They're just maybe a bit too used to people who share their own experience, and want to live in their own world a bit too much.

If you haven't grown up in their world, this may be hard to take. Maybe you can adapt. Maybe in time they'll grow to be more comfortable with you. But I generally prefer larger churches that have a variety of programs and groups of different kinds. I worry about churches that are all young married couples, or all old people, or that all speak Christianese to each other.

 

[designer mom]

or that all speak Christianese to each other.

LOL Christianese - well, thankfully that's not a 'thing' in this church. I think I'm starting to figure out my problem here (now that it's been another couple of months). I think I feel like they're all a bunch of phonies. They are SO nice to my face, and they say things like "let's get together for tea next week" but they don't seem to mean what they say because when I actually *try* to get together with them, I find out that they're on the other side of the country for the next month and a half. I recently had a total crisis in my marriage (long story short, I found out that my husband is a passive-aggressive, pathological liar) - so I contacted my pastor out of complete desperation. I told him that I'm terrified of my husband because I found out that I don't know him at all, and I don't know what he's capable of...and the guy could care less and blew me off for THREE weeks before he had his secretary call me back to "schedule something". I was so hurt by his actions that I could not bring myself to go to church for 2 weeks, and than when I decided to go back, he didn't even say anything to me. But the first couple of times we went, the guy was SOOO nice to my face and he told my husband and I that he was going to have us over for dinner to get to know us better (which never happened). The associate pastor and the secretary knew that we needed help too, and neither of them said anything to us either.

So, I think that's why I can't connect with the Christians that I'm meeting...they're completely insincere! In the *normal people* world, when someone doesn't want to hang out with you, they make that clear right from the start. But I guess being super nice to your face is the "christian" thing to do or something. I have not met one person, in the 4 months that I've been going to this church, that has done a single thing that they said they were going to do.

I want to find another church, but I really like the preaching here. I tried the local "mega church" and that felt more like a mall/rock concert than a church. Everyone there were trying SO HARD to be "cool" - but they weren't, they just looked like idiots who were trying too hard to have an image. The preaching was mostly just stories about nothing biblical, and NO one was paying attention. The people in front of us were TALKING (not even whispering) - obviously no one there cares about God very much. So I don't really want to go back there. I like my church, but the people are just so incredibly fake.

 

[hedrick]

Right. From what I've heard, megachurch wasn't quite what I meant by a larger and more diverse church. I haven't been to one myself, but your account agrees with others I've heard. I was actually thinking of a larger mainline church, though not everyone can accept mainline theology. One thing you can't accuse most mainline churches of is insincerity. We're serious about practicing the faith, and our approach to it allows us to admit uncertainty. But most readers of CF are committed to traditional Christianity, so that may not work.

I advise people to be careful about judging people for insincerity. Of course people will tell you they want to be with you. They're Christians, and they know that's the right answer. But they're also human, and may find it hard to relate to people who don't share their own background and perspective. So they mean well, but can't quite follow through. I'm not sure that makes them phony, just human.

But the consequences for you may not be very different.

 

[Living in the Light]

Isn't Christianese the language when people are babbling in unknown tongues, and rolling on the floor? But in all seriousness, I attend church for worship, and if I happen to make a friend or two along the way, well so be it. I have to do what I feel is right for my relationship with Christ. Namely, helping when I'm called upon, reaching out to those who don't care to even speak, daily prayer and meditation, and a little Bible study. I hope you will find at least one good friend in your church. Keep reaching out and try not to judge. Blessings to you!

 

[designer mom]

Isn't Christianese the language when people are babbling in unknown tongues, and rolling on the floor? But in all seriousness, I attend church for worship, and if I happen to make a friend or two along the way, well so be it. I have to do what I feel is right for my relationship with Christ. Namely, helping when I'm called upon, reaching out to those who don't care to even speak, daily prayer and meditation, and a little Bible study. I hope you will find at least one good friend in your church. Keep reaching out and try not to judge. Blessings to you!

Thanks, I agree with you, I guess I was just hoping for the 'whole package'.

 

[designer mom]

I advise people to be careful about judging people for insincerity. Of course people will tell you they want to be with you. They're Christians, and they know that's the right answer. But they're also human, and may find it hard to relate to people who don't share their own background and perspective. So they mean well, but can't quite follow through. I'm not sure that makes them phony, just human.

But the consequences for you may not be very different.

Well, I was under the impression that the gospel empowers Christians to have *better* character than the rest of the world. The bible says that we're "new creations in Christ". I don't really understand what all of the excuse making is all about. People in the rest of the world have to live up to a certain standard of behavior, I don't understand why someone in the church can treat me like I don't exist and they get labeled "just human" but if someone in secular world did it, it wouldn't be tolerated so well. Something seems extremely backwards here, and I'm really starting to question whether or not I'm going to be able to ever fit in with other Christians.

 

[parsley]

I found out that I don't know him at all, and I don't know what he's capable of...and the guy could care less and blew me off for THREE weeks before he had his secretary call me back to "schedule something".

It sounds like you really needed the support of a fellowship at that time, more than usual.

Of course people will tell you they want to be with you. They're Christians, and they know that's the right answer. But they're also human, and may find it hard to relate to people who don't share their own background and perspective. So they mean well, but can't quite follow through. I'm not sure that makes them phony, just human.

I have found that in the last few years, so many people are working overtime and squeezing an unmanageable amount of activity into their lives. They still want to do social things, but their employers want them taking classes and business trips, and schools want parents more involved in their kids' work. The pressure is on, from all sides.

I would guess that when people are courteous in the beginning, you are probably running into more PR/marketing/sales/psych/nursing professionals and managers -- people who need to know how to make others feel at home (or bartenders). Or else hospitable southerners. (-; Some people have learned how to do this well, out of need. In wealthier social circles there's a lot of "let's do lunch" talk.

You definitely need to get from where you are, to a place where you feel supported, especially with what you've been going through. Ask God to lead you to the right people -- (Lord please). It doesn't take a whole church; just a few good people will do. Be open to talking with retired people -- they might have a different outlook on time, and value relationships more.