T
thunder_hawk
Guest
I'm not sure if it's okay if I'm posting here since I'm not a Christian and all, but it's not something I wanted to bother the whole Non-Christian Religion section about. So, hi, I'm new, don't throw things at me if this isn't cool.
I can't sleep. I haven't had more than a few hours of sleep at a time in years now. I just have these screaming nightmares and I can't go back to sleep because I know I'll just have another one or drop back into the one I was having. They've been getting worse and more often lately, but I think it's just because I've got extra stress from other things that's setting it off.
It's hard to know how to talk about this because I'm still kind of mixed up about it myself, and I can't really think clearly about it without shaking. It might be easier to write about it than to actually talk about it, though, and besides you guys don't know me. It's easier to tell strangers some things, I guess.
My mother married a guy, we'll call him Boss, when I was six. My real dad skipped out on her when I was really young, so I don't remember him and although I'm pretty sure there were other guys, I only ever clearly remember Boss. I thought he was the coolest adult I'd ever met, because he was this big guy who used to ride me around the block on his motorcycle and really seemed to like me. I realize now that I'm older that my mom was really starting to hit the drugs hard after my little brother was born, but at the time she just seemed kind of sick and spacey and Boss would get angry at her about various things and there would be fights, but he never laid a hand on me as a kid. He said I was his favorite, because I was smart and I was going to grow up to be like him, which I thought was awesome at the time, but when I remember that now it just makes me want to scream.
So, when I was 12, I was kind of getting into that whole irritable, moody hormones thing, and I really had a hate on for my mom because in the rare moments she was sober enough to talk sensibly, we fought all the time, but Boss would always stick up for my side of the arguement and he would let me hang around him and his friends when they were over at the house, so I basically worshiped the ground he walked on. He had kind of been getting "touchy" after I started kind of developing, but he had a way of passing it off as just being affectionate and even thought it was a little weird I totally believed it at the time because I guess I really didn't think he would do something like that.
I only have vague memories about the first time he really got serious about it. He had been letting me drink and kind of egging me on, so I was pretty drunk I think, but I can remember kind of snapshot images and feelings. I remember not really being sure exactly what had happened until the next time he came into my room. I remember kind of freaking out, but he pointed out that we'd already done it before and he said I was the one who had started it, so really, I was the one who would get in trouble. But he said he loved me and no one would know as long as I didn't kick up a fuss about it.
Long story short, that went on for about four years. I think my mom must have known what was going on, but by then I think she was scared of him, both of what he would do if she made him angry and that he might leave, not to mentioned she was such a mess by then anyway that she probably didn't have the presence of mind to come up with a way out. So, I've never really talked to her about it even today. I left and moved in with some friends of mine last year, and I've only been back to the house once to see my little brother and check up on my mom, and when I was there he acted like nothing's really changed and we're still buddies.
That's what a lot of my nightmares are about now, that nothing really has changed. I dream that he's here in the house I live in now and that he's in my room talking to me. Sometimes I dream that I move back in and things start up again the way they used to and I can't do anything about it, and even sometimes in the dream I start to feel like I don't really want to. That's the worst one, when I just can't make myself fight it, even though I hate it.
The worst thing about all of it though is that I can't make myself hate him, as much as I hate everything that happened. I wish I could hate him, but even through all the stuff that went on, I remember that he always did seem to "get" me and care about me when no one else really did, and I kind of wonder if maybe the whole nasty mess really is my fault somehow.
Anyway, that's why I'm up late. Thanks for reading, I know it's a pretty long rant.
I can't sleep. I haven't had more than a few hours of sleep at a time in years now. I just have these screaming nightmares and I can't go back to sleep because I know I'll just have another one or drop back into the one I was having. They've been getting worse and more often lately, but I think it's just because I've got extra stress from other things that's setting it off.
It's hard to know how to talk about this because I'm still kind of mixed up about it myself, and I can't really think clearly about it without shaking. It might be easier to write about it than to actually talk about it, though, and besides you guys don't know me. It's easier to tell strangers some things, I guess.
My mother married a guy, we'll call him Boss, when I was six. My real dad skipped out on her when I was really young, so I don't remember him and although I'm pretty sure there were other guys, I only ever clearly remember Boss. I thought he was the coolest adult I'd ever met, because he was this big guy who used to ride me around the block on his motorcycle and really seemed to like me. I realize now that I'm older that my mom was really starting to hit the drugs hard after my little brother was born, but at the time she just seemed kind of sick and spacey and Boss would get angry at her about various things and there would be fights, but he never laid a hand on me as a kid. He said I was his favorite, because I was smart and I was going to grow up to be like him, which I thought was awesome at the time, but when I remember that now it just makes me want to scream.
So, when I was 12, I was kind of getting into that whole irritable, moody hormones thing, and I really had a hate on for my mom because in the rare moments she was sober enough to talk sensibly, we fought all the time, but Boss would always stick up for my side of the arguement and he would let me hang around him and his friends when they were over at the house, so I basically worshiped the ground he walked on. He had kind of been getting "touchy" after I started kind of developing, but he had a way of passing it off as just being affectionate and even thought it was a little weird I totally believed it at the time because I guess I really didn't think he would do something like that.
I only have vague memories about the first time he really got serious about it. He had been letting me drink and kind of egging me on, so I was pretty drunk I think, but I can remember kind of snapshot images and feelings. I remember not really being sure exactly what had happened until the next time he came into my room. I remember kind of freaking out, but he pointed out that we'd already done it before and he said I was the one who had started it, so really, I was the one who would get in trouble. But he said he loved me and no one would know as long as I didn't kick up a fuss about it.
Long story short, that went on for about four years. I think my mom must have known what was going on, but by then I think she was scared of him, both of what he would do if she made him angry and that he might leave, not to mentioned she was such a mess by then anyway that she probably didn't have the presence of mind to come up with a way out. So, I've never really talked to her about it even today. I left and moved in with some friends of mine last year, and I've only been back to the house once to see my little brother and check up on my mom, and when I was there he acted like nothing's really changed and we're still buddies.
That's what a lot of my nightmares are about now, that nothing really has changed. I dream that he's here in the house I live in now and that he's in my room talking to me. Sometimes I dream that I move back in and things start up again the way they used to and I can't do anything about it, and even sometimes in the dream I start to feel like I don't really want to. That's the worst one, when I just can't make myself fight it, even though I hate it.
The worst thing about all of it though is that I can't make myself hate him, as much as I hate everything that happened. I wish I could hate him, but even through all the stuff that went on, I remember that he always did seem to "get" me and care about me when no one else really did, and I kind of wonder if maybe the whole nasty mess really is my fault somehow.
Anyway, that's why I'm up late. Thanks for reading, I know it's a pretty long rant.
