Tricky and Sensitive Situation

[katautumn]

Okay, my fiance and I have been living together for close to three months now and recently I had a horrible thought and I don't know how to share this with my fiance (whom I'm getting married to next month).

As some of you may know from my other post on here, my fiance has an eight year old son from his previous marriage. I have a three and a half y.o. son from my previous marriage and I have sole custody of him. His "father" is not in the picture. We live in a two-bedroom mobile home. Yes, it bites, but we're looking for a home that is affordable. His mother lives with us because she has Alzheimer's Disease and no one else in the family wanted to be "put out" with taking care of her. She is still fairly independent, but it wouldn't be safe for her to live on her own. She struggles with anxiety disorder and has occasionally forgets leaving the oven on and whatnot. So, basically, I'm helping to take care of her. My son has a little makeshift room that is a converted dining room and with one small child, a senior citizen mother, two other adults and two dogs in a two-bedroom trailer, needless to say it's close quarters.

My fiance's son live in Florida with his mother and her new husband. J typically sees his son three or four times a year which is during the Christmas holidays, a weekend in the Fall and he gets him for a full month in the summer. Before I moved in, this wasn't really an issue because J's son slept in bed with him and just stayed in J's room until he got home from work. Now that I live there I can foresee this as being a huge problem. Obviously sleeping in bed with J is out of the question. There is no room for him in my son's little area because unfortunately, there is barely enough room for him. My mother keeps my son during the day while I'm at work. I don't think it's fair for J's mother to have to watch his son for sometimes ten hours while he's at work six days a week. Each day I notice her mind slipping more and more, and that's why I don't let her watch my son during the day.

Also, just as I don't allow my son into my (our) room unsupervised, I really don't relish the idea of J's son being in our bedroom unsupervised all day long. I'm sort of a private person and I really don't even like it when J's mom goes through my things while we're at work. Not that I have anything to hide or be ashamed of, but it's sort of like my one little piece of autonomy that I have left.

I'm trying to be sensitive to J in all of this, as I know it is difficult for him to not be able to see his son all the time and before I moved in it was never an issue. I don't know how to express my concerns because I don't know how to without it seeming like I'm trying to drive a wedge between him and his son. My motives are not malicious, I just don't see how it will be feesible for his son to be here 24/7 for an entire month. I think a good compromise would be for J and I to take our vacation time (he and I both have two weeks of paid vacation time) and go stay in Florida and spend time with his son instead of him coming up here. That way, J can spend actual quality time with his son and not just a few hours in the evening between coming home from work and going to bed. That also won't put an undue strain on everyone in our house as I feel I have already made so many sacrifices in this relationship.

I pay to live here as well, so I feel I have some say about this. I just don't know how and when to broach the subject without it becoming an argument and feelings getting hurt.

 

[jesros353]

Wow! That is tricky. I would just pray, first of all. God has a great plan for you and it was nice of you to take in his mother. If you don't feel uncomfortable talking to your fiancee about something that you find really important, how are you going to be when you are married? Just something to think about. Arguing in normal...you can't avoid it. Just remember that God is with you.

 

[Silent Enigma]

Sounds pretty crowded but as a father I can empathise with him wanting time with his son, whom he only gets to be with occasionaly.

The 2 weeks of vacation time in florida sounds like a nice idea. But what about the other 2 weeks of son-time your fiance will probably feel he should have?

 

[matthewgoh]

Hello Kat,

To have a happy family, a proper home is definitely very important. You need to discuss with J about this. Both of you should start planning to move to a better house that suits the size of the family. Tell him it's for the good of the family, for him, for his mum and yourself. A comfortable home helps in your relationship. Since both of you work, I don't see there's any problem. If there's financial problem, you and J must work out a way to increase your incomes, e.g. change job, or get extra works, etc.

It's good to take care of J's mum. Both of you should continue to do so.

Pray to God, he is good in supporting family, because he is love.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[Anti Existance]

What you need is 'space' , space for yourself, for grandma , for your son , and what not. A mobile home is not fit for putting human beings in. Let alone raising a family. A bigger home means you'll be bleeding more financially. I would put the mother in a nursing facility, or elderly home. You can't work a full day,coming totally broken and wasted from hard working at home and then still take care of somebody with alzheimer! That's insane.

What i see is a LOT of financial problems and a family mess. It doesn't sound like your financial organisation is 'tight' and secure at all. I only tell you this in the hope that you will forever dislike money. But here goes, no one has ever become rich of 'spending' money. What you spend your money on must be revised. NOTHING must be bought that you don't really need. Investing in the future , and investing in things that generate more money is the way to go. You might want to change your job into something that you know that pays more.

You need to revise your bills, your water,electricity, and carefully note in a diagram or notebook what is spend, what is bought , what is the total income, and see what you have left at the end of the month. If this is still sufficient to get into a bigger apartment or what not you want to move in.

Its not nice to say but unless they bring money in every person else is a burden, even the dogs cost money.

Im not saying become stingy or do away with the dogs , but i just want you to realise it.

You need to make some wise choices and cut down on stuff. Maby someone else can take care of the dogs, and grandma. A nursing home for grandma, and maby a family member/relative for the dogs. This will save you money to get yourself a nice apartment,while the rest is taken good care off, so you wont have to worry. It will be a lot less busy in your life. You wont be stressed with the burdens that you cannot handle. Not that im saying its not nice of you to take care of grandma/dogs, but you also need the financial capacity to be able to do this in a responsible manner.

Others at this moment are far more capable in a nursing home to take care of your sick grandma, (grandma ,is just a word for his mom) You need to be busy MORE with the financial aspects of the family, im not saying go for the diamonds and a villa made of marble, but for the middle aspect , a normal home and not some no good for nothing crappy mobile home burn it in a fire yesterday rather then tomorrow. Understood?

 

[WashedClean]

I have to disagree with the previous poster. I wouldn't put "grandma" in a nursing home if you can help it. I'm sure this was well-intentioned advice, but not very sensitive.

God bless you for taking on your fiance's mom in her time of need. You are showing great maturity and grace. I agree with the posters who said to pray about this situation. I also agree that your idea about spending your vacation time all together in Florida is a good one. But it does still leave some time unspoken for. Unless you think you can survive for 2 weeks with J's son in the house.

Don't be afraid to broach the subject with your fiance. You need to clear the air and talk these things through. Communication is key to a good marriage/relationship.

Praying for you to have wisdom in this situation.
God bless you,

WashedClean

 

[Godsgirl481]

A crowded home can totally make life so much harder. First, I agree that you should not put "grandma" in a home. It is easier for them to have family around that cares for them. My dad and step mom was taking care of both of her parents, and eventually had to put them both in a home because they kept falling down and hurting themselves bad. It will get bad enough where you won't be able to take care of her...but for now, having her there I think is good for her and J both. The son situtation, I don't think he should leave his son with grandma. She is not able to take full care of herself let alone a child. If you guys can split the vacation up, he takes two weeks and spend with his son, and then you take 2 weeks and watch him in the day while J is at work. Therefore, J's son gets the supervision he needs, and J gets to have his son there for a month like planned. I do agree you need a bigger home, but that can be harder than people make it out to be.

 

[Davis]

I have to disagree with the previous poster. I wouldn't put "grandma" in a nursing home if you can help it. I'm sure this was well-intentioned advice, but not very sensitive.

God bless you for taking on your fiance's mom in her time of need. You are showing great maturity and grace. I agree with the posters who said to pray about this situation. I also agree that your idea about spending your vacation time all together in Florida is a good one. But it does still leave some time unspoken for. Unless you think you can survive for 2 weeks with J's son in the house.

Don't be afraid to broach the subject with your fiance. You need to clear the air and talk these things through. Communication is key to a good marriage/relationship.

Praying for you to have wisdom in this situation.
God bless you,

WashedClean

Amen to the communication part.

 

[Thirst_For_Knowledge]

Growing up, I lived in a three bedroom trailer. Before we moved out, I had a room, my sister had a room, my mother and stepfather had a room, and my stepbrother and my grandfather shared the livingroom, with my stepbrother sleeping on the floor. It was a crazy situation, but it worked. Maybe there is room for him somewhere that you just didn't think of?

If not, be very honest with your husband with your concerns. It's usually not the words, but the way you say them. Be quite honest, but make sure you pad it with loving things. And make sure you tell him right up front about your concerns with the way he will take it.

 

[vajradhara]

Namaste Kat,

interesting post.

well... i see that you've had a fair amount of responses with an array of advice, which all seems good, if you are in the position to implement it.

i would, however, like to say this. it wasn't all that long ago that multi-generational families all lived under the same roof, sharing the resources and so forth amongst a great many beings. clearly, the ideal situation would be such that you'd have a home with enough space so that every being would feel peaceful and secure in the home.

you are not in that situation right now, it does't seem.

about the only bit of advice that i could offer in this regard is thus: communicate.

communication can really resolve a lot of these issues that you are dealing with currently. at least in the interpersonal relationship aspect. dealing with a mother-in-law can be a challenge, even if there is no physical pathology. in your case, there is, and i can see this adding its own sort of pressure to the situation.

we need, as humans, to respond in a compassionate manner to the needs of others. we need Wisdom in order to discern the most appropos manner in which our help can be rendered.

in any event, i wish you health, happiness and longevity!

metta,

~v

 

[heron]

God bless you for taking on your fiance's mom in her time of need. You are showing great maturity and grace. I agree with the posters who said to pray about this situation. I also agree that your idea about spending your vacation time all together in Florida is a good one. But it does still leave some time unspoken for. Unless you think you can survive for 2 weeks with J's son in the house.

it wasn't all that long ago that multi-generational families all lived under the same roof, sharing the resources and so forth amongst a great many beings.

We're all imaging how stifled you must feel with so many people in one space. But I know some trailers are larger than apartments...we're just trying to be helpful.

If you can afford the trip to Florida, do it! What a great chance to clear out your head and do something different.

Nursing homes will help defray the exorbitant costs, but they use the value of the person's property first. If your mil shares the ownership, I don't know how that will impact you.

My first thought is--do you have a place you can go by yourself for sanity? The library, McDonald's, a play group, a park, a friend's house. Before anyone comes over, I would make a list of places to escape when things get hairy. Or places you can take the visiting son for fun an lots of space to run.

Keep exploring options, no matter how crazy they seem. It will help you feel like there are continual possibilities out there.