Trapped By Guilt

[JoeinPA]

Long story but basically been together 7 years in what seems to be turning into a dysfunctional relationship and is getting worse by the week.
What's happening now is she's developing some character flaws that I just do not like in women...more specifically gossip. She's almost 50 years old and her maturity level drops incredibly when she's around her friends and it really kicks in. And what I'm really concerned about is the way they trash men,namely their very husbands...the ones who they dragged into things in the first place! Sure I realize I have distrust for women,and rightfully so. What I'd seen over the years justifies it. And I have also seen a smaller number of women with the kind of character that aren't like that,so I know they do exist.
The other part of the equation is the denial and defensiveness,which normally is a sign of guilt. Meanwhile she expects me to be all romantic,which is hard to do when my trust is waning.
My basic dilemma is she goes off and tells me to leave,but then when I do she gets all upset which makes me feel guilty...see how this works? And this has happened quite a few times over the years.
Just don't know what to do.

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

Counseling. This is a clear-cut case of a need for counseling.

 

[JoeinPA]

She's too proud to go to counseling,thinks she knows how to handle things yet seems to have a loose grip on reality most times.

 

[Maviga]

You have posted this in the unequally yoked subforum. Is it correct your wife is not a Christian? The reason I am asking is that this information is important to know to which kind of help she might be open to.
She is too proud to ask for help, she is immature and loves gossip, she is disrespectful to her husband. Not very Christian attitudes. Now I am not saying I never go through any of these three things. What I want to say is that if your wife is a Christian some biblical scriptures about the rightful christian attitude and the responsibilities of a wife might open her eyes and get her back on track. When I feel that for whatever reason I am 'slipping' I go back to the scriptures and God then opens my eyes and shows me that He is not very happy with what I am doing.

Also, I think you really need to sit down with her and make clear to her that you are unhappy with her attitude. I believe that as her husband you have all the right to do so. You feeling disrespected and played around with by your own wife is not on. She is your wife and should 'bring you good, not harm, all the days of your life.' (Prov 31:12) and you should be able to trust her (Prov.31:11).

Has something happened lately that caused this change in behaviour? Is it possible that she could be suffering from mood changes due to menopause?

Also try to look at your own heart. You say you distrust women because of what you have gone through over the years. I am sorry to hear that. I just want to make you mindful to be careful to not let these past issues build on the distrust you have in your current wife. This might be just a rough period in an otherwise lovely marriage? This is assuming of course that these 'past issues' were part of (a) previous relationship(s).

Finally, when your wife tells you constantly to go away, maybe you should do so a few times. If she gets upset, so be it. It's difficult for you, but she needs to see that she can not treat you in this way. If she tells you to leave she needs to realise that this is what might be happening. Let her be alone for maybe a night so she can consider what she is doing. This behaviour should not pay off. Do not feel quilty about leaving for a night. You should feel 'quilty' if you let this go on and allow your wife to damage your marriage further. Show your God-given headship and let not get this situation further out of hand.

Good luck. I pray for you.

 

[JoeinPA]

You have posted this in the unequally yoked subforum. Is it correct your wife is not a Christian? Also, I think you really need to sit down with her and make clear to her that you are unhappy with her attitude. Has something happened lately that caused this change in behaviour? Is it possible that she could be suffering from mood changes due to menopause? Also try to look at your own heart. You say you distrust women because of what you have gone through over the years. I am sorry to hear that. I just want to make you mindful to be careful to not let these past issues build on the distrust you have in your current wife. This might be just a rough period in an otherwise lovely marriage? This is assuming of course that these 'past issues' were part of (a) previous relationship(s).

Finally, when your wife tells you constantly to go away, maybe you should do so a few times. Show your God-given headship and let not get this situation further out of hand.

Correct she is not a Christian,she's actually a disillisioned former catholic now drifting towards wiccan.
I told her I wasn't happy with some of the changes in her but again,she gets defensive and storms off. Yes she's heading towards menopause but honestly she's had this attitude since I met her 7 years ago,though I think in a way she's softened a smidge.
As for my heart,I always check it before I talk to others and no this is not affecting an otherwise happy marriage. Though she would say if I didn't criticize her it may be better,but how do we improve if never given criticism? I've gotten showered with it my whole life.

As for going away,I've gone overnite a couple of times and that seemed to quell things for a bit. But some issues resurface.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Handle this first and foremost prayerfully. This is a spiritual battle.

 

[mkgal1]

I think it is natural for most people to get defensive when someone approaches them with something they find wrong with them. If you are beginning the conversation with something to the affect of "You know...I really don't like you gossipping"...I would expect defensiveness. I don't know if that is actually how you are approaching things, but it may be something to pray about.

Maybe a better way to approach things (if you are going with the "I don't like this..." approach) would be to say that you want to have a relationship built on trust and that you are finding it difficult right now. That is more about how YOU are feeling and asking for her help instead of putting the blame upon her. Focus on your perceptions...."It makes me feel disrespected when I hear you and your friends talking about your husbands"...."I wonder what is said when I am not around"...."I would feel better if you felt you could come to me with your complaints and we could resolve them together".

Just some thoughts....I apologize if you are already trying to approach things in this way.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Give her some space. Move out for a few months the next time she tells you to go. Tell her you are sick of the back and forth ordering around. Then go back if you want to after a couple months.

 

[Easyk]

not if she goes into wicca.. thats a I am gone so fast i will leave skid marks in the air fast..

i have lived with one before (who was in wicca) and it was most unpleasant and they can be way too controlling..right or wrong i will be gone period. i cant and will not live with one again, so in part i know how you feel ... sight i really do my only solution was to just up and go..

 

[PROUD2LOVEJESUS]

Long story but basically been together 7 years in what seems to be turning into a dysfunctional relationship and is getting worse by the week.
What's happening now is she's developing some character flaws that I just do not like in women...more specifically gossip. She's almost 50 years old and her maturity level drops incredibly when she's around her friends and it really kicks in. And what I'm really concerned about is the way they trash men,namely their very husbands...the ones who they dragged into things in the first place! Sure I realize I have distrust for women,and rightfully so. What I'd seen over the years justifies it. And I have also seen a smaller number of women with the kind of character that aren't like that,so I know they do exist.
The other part of the equation is the denial and defensiveness,which normally is a sign of guilt. Meanwhile she expects me to be all romantic,which is hard to do when my trust is waning.
My basic dilemma is she goes off and tells me to leave,but then when I do she gets all upset which makes me feel guilty...see how this works? And this has happened quite a few times over the years.
Just don't know what to do.

Am I the only one bothered by this seeming distrust of all women? It would be hard to live in a marriage where I wasn't trusted. Not all women are liars or manipulators, and I find "seen a smaller number of women with the kind of character..." a little over the top.

While there are many things your wife seems to be doing wrong, I also think you need to search yourself and see if you aren't helping cause the problem. I hate to be so blunt, but in most cases both sides are at fault. Even in cases where one side seems to be "more" at fault, sometimes changing your attitude helps. That's what the Love Dare is all about. I guess it comes down to - do you want to save your marriage, or do you want to be right?

Although that Wiccan thing really bothers me. If she pursues that, I think you have a right to walk away (that's not my Biblical perspective - that's just my gut feeling, so take it as it is).

 

[mkgal1]

Though she would say if I didn't criticize her it may be better,but how do we improve if never given criticism? I've gotten showered with it my whole life.

I just re-read this thread because of Proud's new post. This quote above just now stood out to me....this may be a HUGE part of the issue. There is a difference between lovingly pointing something out and hammering someone with a flaw we find.

Maybe she finds Wicca less judgmental and harsh than what she has experienced from people who have called themselves "christians"??

 

[JoeinPA]

While there are many things your wife seems to be doing wrong, I also think you need to search yourself and see if you aren't helping cause the problem.

After a youth spent being criticized,I'm now probably more critical and self-reflective of myself than anyone I know;

 

[LauraThomas]

What if your sensitive and all the criticism makes you shy and unable to talk back? My father used to yell at me a lot and I get scared when people argue.

 

[JoeinPA]

You will grow into it. It may be a bit harder for females but you will grow and mature with experiences and be able to handle it better,especially if there's enough of it around;