Toxic In-Laws

[Yitzchak]

I actually got this term from a book title I saw at the library.

My question is this...... What are some good principles of wisdom when dealing with in-laws who are destructive in their relationships? There are many times that my wife and I feel like just cutting them out of our lives completely.

They have made no effort to get to know me or to relate to us as a couple. All of their interactions are aimed at attempts of control, guilt trips, arguements, etc. If I could boil it down to the bottomline, I would describe it this way... It is as if the whole family has been having one long arguement for the past thirty years. One that never gets solved and no one can define exactly what they are even argueing about. They want us to continue the family tradition of misery. It is new things every day. If I start shoveling the snow from the street towards the house, then I should have started at the house. If I start at the house, then there is a reason I should have started at the street..... even when nothing is said...there is tension so thick , we could cut it with a knife and then a few weeks later one of the other family members tells us the in-laws are bad mouthing us about how we shoveled the snow to whoever will listen. The next month it is something new. When we visit with them, they will do things like turn the heat down to a really cold temperature while we are there to "punish" us for whatever the last thing was that we did that ticked them off. Just silly and petty stuff constantly every time we interact with them.

 

[Yitzchak]

So when does a person draw the line and cut a family member out of our life and the lives of their grandchildren??

Is there another option???

 

[juliegirl]

Hmmm...I have been wondering the very same thing..except, for the most part...we've had to deal with my parents...because my dad likes his beer and we refused to let my parents keep our kids if he's drinking/drunk, etc...our oldest is almost 12...so this has been an on-going battle..as for my husbands' parents...they are ministers, as is my husband...and we are actually going out to eat with my husbands' parents tonight...because we have to have a "family discussion" (kids gonna stay with their aunt)...because for a while now, my in-laws have been saying things about me to my kids....ya know..things they think I'm doing wrong as their mother, or how I'm not as "close to God" as they think I should be...etc, etc...that's really "paraphrasing" some things..but..more or less...I think I started an all out war with my in-laws today, and I told my father-in-law what I thought on the phone...basically, I don't put up with this stuff out of my parents, and I won't put up with it out of you guys, either...they can have all the opinions they want to have about me...but keep the kids out of it...and yes, I did tell my father-in-law that if it doesn't stop, they won't be seeing the kids very much, because I won't tolerate it...because the 12-year old comes home with an attitude towards me because he they say things to him about me...Hmmm...I need prayer and guidance on how to deal with this....because right now...I don't even want to speak to them at all...

 

[ChristyP4Christ]

Have you sat down with them and tried to talk about how you feel?

You and your wife need come up with a list of things you will no longer tolerate and share it with them. Let them know as a married couple you stand beside each other in this matter.

 

[Leanna]

Well, it depends on how your wife feels. It is HER family. If she feels the same way as you, then you should just stop seeing them except maybe some holidays. I can see not letting them influence your life, but not cutting them out completely

 

[Cordy]

I have read toxic in-laws. I read it early in our marriage when I was first faced with our in-law issues. I think it is a great book.

 

[tekwerx]

So when does a person draw the line and cut a family member out of our life and the lives of their grandchildren??
Is there another option???

Theres always options....the problem is, not all of them are good options. We had to cut out my wife's parents because of their drinking/drug addictions. We've not talked to them for about 2 years now or so. It comes down to whats best for your family. If the abuse and what all you have to put up with is mild, then just overlook it. But if they are to the point to where you really cannot find peace around them, or they cause problems when you are elsewhere and they shouldnt even be thinking aobut you, then I'd cut the ties. You need to concentrate onyour family and their welfare.

 

[brokenbananas]

How I see it is about setting appropriate boundaries and sticking to them, greatly praying about it, and being an example of Christ's love, mercy, and grace.

My family is super dysfunctional, people controlling, poor self-esteems, opinionated, guilting, shaming, perfectionists, materialists, and the list goes on. My husband is better at setting boundaries than me, but he sets the boundaries for our immediate family. We have expressed to my parents particularly and my siblings we will not tolerate certain behaviors anymore because the end results is "this". We want to develop healthy relationships with them, and role model them for our children. If my side of the family are unwilling to cooperate, then we don't need to subject ourselves and our children to that kind of mental-emotional dysfunction. It's unhealthy.

At first they didn't think we would do it, but my husband stood firm on that. My parents, especially my mom, has come around and changed quite a bit. My dad still needs work, but I see in the near future that when he talks with me, he is starting to consider my feelings, think before he speaks, and work to maintain peace & harmony. These are very OPPOSITE of how I grew up and how he's treated me (because I have allowed it) as an adult.

One could also take a stand and do it out of frustration, meanness, vengeance, hurt, etc. but the end result often is separation. I'm very glad we took the approach with our family as we have because it is actually bringing truth out into the open, dealing with it, allowing our wounds to be healed instead of on this continual destructive cycle of bleeding/scabbing over again and again. It's taken now about 4-5 yrs, and we've still got a ways to go.

There is hope, be patient, read, learn, etc. Our Christian marriage/family counselor has greatly helped us with how to go about addressing this whole topic in a healthy, Christlike manner where we get to maintain dignity as well as preserve the dignity of my family and showing each other respect.

Setting appropriate boundaries often is a great challenge, but necessary. Our society is not very boundary oriented because we often are too afraid of offended or hurting others. But, look at where you are now? Not so great anyway, and you might as well take positive steps towards a healthy resolution.

God Bless,
Doris

 

[Flipper]

Hmmm...I have been wondering the very same thing..except, for the most part...we've had to deal with my parents...because my dad likes his beer and we refused to let my parents keep our kids if he's drinking/drunk, etc...our oldest is almost 12...so this has been an on-going battle..as for my husbands' parents...they are ministers, as is my husband...and we are actually going out to eat with my husbands' parents tonight...because we have to have a "family discussion" (kids gonna stay with their aunt)...because for a while now, my in-laws have been saying things about me to my kids....ya know..things they think I'm doing wrong as their mother, or how I'm not as "close to God" as they think I should be...etc, etc...that's really "paraphrasing" some things..but..more or less...I think I started an all out war with my in-laws today, and I told my father-in-law what I thought on the phone...basically, I don't put up with this stuff out of my parents, and I won't put up with it out of you guys, either...they can have all the opinions they want to have about me...but keep the kids out of it...and yes, I did tell my father-in-law that if it doesn't stop, they won't be seeing the kids very much, because I won't tolerate it...because the 12-year old comes home with an attitude towards me because he they say things to him about me...Hmmm...I need prayer and guidance on how to deal with this....because right now...I don't even want to speak to them at all...

 

[Princessperky]

I find the smile and nod aproach to work well if it is mearely the way you shovell the walk (or in my case they way I am a BFing, HEing, SAHM with no intentions of lieing to my kids.)

On things more serious like child safety, well them I would speak plainly, though prolly with a sortof acted 'sorry if I seem so silly about being worried, you know how new moms can be' call me after the hangover (or whatever.)

I also have a trouble with my MIL wanting my children to lie to me, or to get away with stuff, I punish my kids for going along with it, future peer pressure support and all that, though I do get funny looks for putting a two year old in Time out for taking a cookie off of grandma, but what if it was beer not a cookie? Anyway DS is now 3 and MIL is starting to learn, she honestly doesn't want my DCs in trouble. BUt if she didn't DS would have a very strong education in standing up for himself.

(oh and BTW they live in Pgh pa, we in NC, we will NOT be staying at there house ever again, there is only so much smiling and nodding one girl can do! camping anyone?)

 

[janny108]

One important word: BOUNDARIES You and your wife should decide together what you will and will not do ex. frequency of visiting, etc. Is she perceiving the guilt messages that you are? Then this will be easier to do. There is such thing as true and false guilt. False guilt is when someone projects on you whatever inadeqacies they are feeling, when probably it has nothing to do with you. I've had to deal with something similar and it WAS my family.
Jan

 

[janny108]

You feel like you can't please them evidently, as they are pointing out what you could have done differently, instead of saying thank you for shoveling my driveway.That takes the pleasure out of giving.
I know about gossip wheels too, it's hard to share stuff if you are not sure who is going to hear someone's distorted version next.
Jan

 

[Yitzchak]

To answer the question that was asked about how my wife feels about it, since they are her parents. My wife would like to cut them out of our life 100%. She has watched this behavior her whole life and doesn't expect it to change. They treat her brothers and sisters the same way.

 

[Yitzchak]

Have you sat down with them and tried to talk about how you feel?

You and your wife need come up with a list of things you will no longer tolerate and share it with them. Let them know as a married couple you stand beside each other in this matter.

We have talked to them many times. Unfortunately, there is no effective to enforce what we won't tolerate except for not being around them. When we tell them we don't like something , they just do it anyway. Besides that , the list seems to be endless when it comes to petty things and one of the problems is they insist on always having an issue to argue about. If nothing else, they will argue about " not argueing "......

 

[Yitzchak]

You feel like you can't please them evidently, as they are pointing out what you could have done differently, instead of saying thank you for shoveling my driveway.That takes the pleasure out of giving.
I know about gossip wheels too, it's hard to share stuff if you are not sure who is going to hear someone's distorted version next.
Jan

My wife has been dealing with the not being able to please them her whole life... When she was in school , if she got a 99% then she should have gotten a 100%...If she got a 100% then she should be more humble and not be happy about it. If she got a 100% and was not "too happy" or bragging , then it was "Well, if you could get 100% this time, then why didn't you get 100% the other times ! "

 

[alabaster jar]

I think sometimes it's best to limit your visits to a minimum, but I'd do it without telling them; making visits short, just to see how they are doing. You probably would want some contact in case of illness or death, etc. I don't know how close they are to you physically, but moving further away might give you more space as well.

 

[janny108]

That's what we did was move away. We'd lived in the same town for 9 years and it was causing problems in my home with my husband and child.
Jan

 

[indagroove]

So when does a person draw the line and cut a family member out of our life and the lives of their grandchildren??

Is there another option???

Your priority is your immediate family, which is you, spouse, and kids.
You must do what ever it takes to keep that unit healthy.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall
cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh…" (Genesis 2 verse 24)

Individuals must leave their parents. Cleave together as one flesh.

You will never change your inlaws by your hand. It will have to come from them. You have to draw the line where ever it takes. If it includes the grandkids, then so be it. I bet your inlaws find it easy to use the kids as pawns in controlling you. They can also easy comtempt you kids against you.

Maybe a complete seperation will wake them up, and then they can come to you and negotiate terms. But I bet they are way to prideful, and it will be hard for them to be humble. I suspect it is not in their vocabulary. It is sad that it comes to this. If you live too close to them, consider moving away for the sake of your family.

And of course, Pray for their souls. Pray that their hearts will be softened.

 

[gracefaith]

I have found (with my father, at least) that it is helpful to consider such bad behavior in adults as childishness and treat them as such. A child 'acts out' but on the other hand really wants you around. They never make the connection between their bad behavior and the fact that nobody likes them or wants to be around them.

My father was pretty emotionally and physically abusive to me while I was growing up, but I still love him and recognize that he is an abused child also and (emotionally) never made it to adulthood. Regardless, he IS an adult and needs to learn that there are consequences to treating someone poorly.

I have a ZERO tolerance policy for any hurtful or unkind behavior from him. As soon as he 'acts up' the conversation/outing/dinner/whatever is over. I announce loudly, 'Okay, we're done' and leave or hang up immediately. When I'm visiting his house (he now lives several states away,) I leave the room or go out. With this sort of person, they have made a habit of malicious and manipulative interaction but they can't be malicious and manipulative to someone who isn't there.

Everyone who made a big deal out of boundaries is right. You need to clearly establish to them when they've crossed the line and enforce the consequences every time. In all likelyhood, it won't make them change, but it will put the two of you in the position of power in each situation of every time - and, let's face it, the feel of power over you is what feeds your in-laws behavior.

 

[Yitzchak]

Your priority is your immediate family, which is you, spouse, and kids.
You must do what ever it takes to keep that unit healthy.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall
cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh…" (Genesis 2 verse 24)

Individuals must leave their parents. Cleave together as one flesh.

You will never change your inlaws by your hand. It will have to come from them. You have to draw the line where ever it takes. If it includes the grandkids, then so be it. I bet your inlaws find it easy to use the kids as pawns in controlling you. They can also easy comtempt you kids against you.

Maybe a complete seperation will wake them up, and then they can come to you and negotiate terms. But I bet they are way to prideful, and it will be hard for them to be humble. I suspect it is not in their vocabulary. It is sad that it comes to this. If you live too close to them, consider moving away for the sake of your family.

And of course, Pray for their souls. Pray that their hearts will be softened.

The last time they admited they were wrong about anything was about thirty years ago and even then it was halfhearted. And yes, they use anything including grandchildren to try to gain an advantage. This situation is a lot bigger than just us.