Torn

[Maria Billingsley]

I do not like talking about this. I never talk about this. I have a son who is everything to me, my world and what holds me together. But divorced happened. My parents are old, pushing 90's. They can't cope on their own. My mother has altimeter and possibly dementia. My dad is together but not. They can't cope without me. My son is not close physically. I came to help but with covid and seeing how bad it is I've been here longer then expected. My son and I stay connected every day briefly. We cam when we can. I visit every few months but due to covid it has been a while. It is a flight to be with him not a drive. I have no life here taking care of my parents, no relationship to find and nothing. But they would not survive without me, they refuse to go to a nursing home. I tell myself my son is OK, we touch base every day.. but he is without a dad to be there regularly for him. It is not a matter of leaving and my parents would be fine, they would not survive. Stubborn as mules and I say that without laughing. I usually regret asking advice but I could have a life with my son and meet someone.. but I am here and no idea what God wants.

Your doing exactly what the Father wants, taking care of your parents. Be blessed.

 

[nolidad]

I do not like talking about this. I never talk about this. I have a son who is everything to me, my world and what holds me together. But divorced happened. My parents are old, pushing 90's. They can't cope on their own. My mother has altimeter and possibly dementia. My dad is together but not. They can't cope without me. My son is not close physically. I came to help but with covid and seeing how bad it is I've been here longer then expected. My son and I stay connected every day briefly. We cam when we can. I visit every few months but due to covid it has been a while. It is a flight to be with him not a drive. I have no life here taking care of my parents, no relationship to find and nothing. But they would not survive without me, they refuse to go to a nursing home. I tell myself my son is OK, we touch base every day.. but he is without a dad to be there regularly for him. It is not a matter of leaving and my parents would be fine, they would not survive. Stubborn as mules and I say that without laughing. I usually regret asking advice but I could have a life with my son and meet someone.. but I am here and no idea what God wants.

This is one of lifes hard things. This is a time when you must trust that God will do the right thing for your parents, for you, and for your son. The Lord never promised an easy road, but if we walk the path we believe He has called us- to fill us with Joy, peace and His contentment in the midst of these enormous struggles of the soul you are facing.

As hard as it may be, I encourage that you take this time caring for your parents to draw closer to God as best yo can. This will pass and your life will go on, but what you invest n these stormy times, will pay abundant harvests down the road.

 

[LightLoveHope]

I do not like talking about this. I never talk about this. I have a son who is everything to me, my world and what holds me together. But divorced happened. My parents are old, pushing 90's. They can't cope on their own. My mother has altimeter and possibly dementia. My dad is together but not. They can't cope without me. My son is not close physically. I came to help but with covid and seeing how bad it is I've been here longer then expected. My son and I stay connected every day briefly. We cam when we can. I visit every few months but due to covid it has been a while. It is a flight to be with him not a drive. I have no life here taking care of my parents, no relationship to find and nothing. But they would not survive without me, they refuse to go to a nursing home. I tell myself my son is OK, we touch base every day.. but he is without a dad to be there regularly for him. It is not a matter of leaving and my parents would be fine, they would not survive. Stubborn as mules and I say that without laughing. I usually regret asking advice but I could have a life with my son and meet someone.. but I am here and no idea what God wants.

Hard choices

At some point your parents will need full time support, care workers, possible a home or nursing home. Funding this and knowing when can be difficult to decide. In reality if you have to move an individual in the night and give round the clock supervision a care home can be the best option.

My mother refused to move to a smaller house through her 80's. I tried to arrange viewings etc. but she always backed out. In the end she got too worried at night, and needed on call assistance, which dictated a care home option. And after 4 years, it is the best option for her, with constant support and human contact, much better than isolation in a house with just a 15 minute care worker popping in each day. Her house sale has funded the care home to date, and probably will until she passes on. She is happy and bright, though limited with dementia, but still able at times to surprise.

Some find the break to professional care too difficult to make, but modern care homes, well run are a real blessing for all concerned, and a great burden lifted. I hope this helps

God bless you

 

[tturt]

Well, thought about this for a couple of days. Definitely need to honor your parents. Plus take care of your son.

My husband and I agreed to something that we had prayed about. We wanted to do it Thought it would be 6 mon - a yr. It lasted 4.5 yrs. Looking back on it. Wish we had taken the time to be sure of His answer and gotten confirmation from the Lord. He doesn't mind. Acts 9:9-19. Plus more details about how He wanted it done.

 

[rom8:38]

My mother is 90 years old. She is combative, spiteful, and caused enormous mayhem when I cared for her for 5 years. Now, my poor sister has been caring for her almost 2 years, and dealing with her continued degradation. Studies show that many times it is the caregiver who becomes morbidly sick. I am actively seeking a memory care facility. There comes a time, when that person no longer inhabits their mind, that for the sake of the remaining family, these decisions must be made. Of course pray about it for God's direction. But my mind is clear and guilt-free.

Look after your son. These are important formative years; and you'll never get that time back. God bless you through this trial.

 

[Robin Mauro]

I do not like talking about this. I never talk about this. I have a son who is everything to me, my world and what holds me together. But divorced happened. My parents are old, pushing 90's. They can't cope on their own. My mother has altimeter and possibly dementia. My dad is together but not. They can't cope without me. My son is not close physically. I came to help but with covid and seeing how bad it is I've been here longer then expected. My son and I stay connected every day briefly. We cam when we can. I visit every few months but due to covid it has been a while. It is a flight to be with him not a drive. I have no life here taking care of my parents, no relationship to find and nothing. But they would not survive without me, they refuse to go to a nursing home. I tell myself my son is OK, we touch base every day.. but he is without a dad to be there regularly for him. It is not a matter of leaving and my parents would be fine, they would not survive. Stubborn as mules and I say that without laughing. I usually regret asking advice but I could have a life with my son and meet someone.. but I am here and no idea what God wants.

This too shall pass. Hang on. Life is largely about sacrifice rather than our desires. Your parents time is short; find God in the moments with them. One day, we will all be with Him, then our joy will be complete.
But I know what you mean.
It's rough down here sometimes. I will pray for you and yours.

 

[mreeed]

I don't think I'm really aware of any men who are doing what you're doing, especially alone. At the right time you may find the right lady will be quite impressed by the character you're showing and developing here.

I cared for my friend's mother who had Alzheimer's in her mother's home for nearly 4 years full time. The first four days she knew me, and I could do no wrong, which had always been how she treated me. Then a switch flipped when she sensed my role had changed and for months I could do no right, she was independent and didn't need anybody. But doctors insisted on 24-7 care. She was a stubborn Italian and while she could make her wishes known she refused the idea of a nursing home, and of leaving the house her husband built when they were married over 50 years ago. But there came a point when the decision had to be made on other factors.

The choice came down to economics, other caregiver logistics (grandchildren with increasing other responsibilities) and hygiene. I did my best with 'on the job' training and had a better success rate than the nurses (a few quit) in that, since they just came in for the bath and I was there for 8 hours, I could pick and prepare my moments better, but making it work usually took all day and harder for one person alone (in some ways I could help the nurse). Having been abused as a child, which I didn't know at first, she was typically as aggressive as she knew how for this, and the emotion of the current memory for her made me public enemy number one for a few hours, even when I was gone for the evening, whereas generally she would forget things virtually right away or as soon as she left the room.

My friend was her power of attorney and she eventually had to put her mother in a nursing home last summer. She was beyond remembering anything told to her for any length of time, and my friend did not tell her and I was not to tell. I didn't, but I tried to hint to her a couple times that a change was coming in those last few days, just that it could be the last time she'd see some people (due to covid restrictions at nursing home, though of course she would not understand that part). So she wouldn't just stay in bed and ignore them like she was trying to. I'm sure she sensed it, becoming more agreeable to social interaction even with me than I'd ever seen her. If she and I particularly could have had the relationship for 4 years at all that we had the last evening, it was like she was almost a completely different person. And when they finally got her in the car to go, she said, 'I guess it's the last time I'll see this place', kind of struck us dumb. All calm, matter of fact. But kept a grudge against her daughter for awhile after. Might have forgotten by now, I hear she's less coherently verbal now also.

 

[Bruce Leiter]

I do not like talking about this. I never talk about this. I have a son who is everything to me, my world and what holds me together. But divorced happened. My parents are old, pushing 90's. They can't cope on their own. My mother has altimeter and possibly dementia. My dad is together but not. They can't cope without me. My son is not close physically. I came to help but with covid and seeing how bad it is I've been here longer then expected. My son and I stay connected every day briefly. We cam when we can. I visit every few months but due to covid it has been a while. It is a flight to be with him not a drive. I have no life here taking care of my parents, no relationship to find and nothing. But they would not survive without me, they refuse to go to a nursing home. I tell myself my son is OK, we touch base every day.. but he is without a dad to be there regularly for him. It is not a matter of leaving and my parents would be fine, they would not survive. Stubborn as mules and I say that without laughing. I usually regret asking advice but I could have a life with my son and meet someone.. but I am here and no idea what God wants.

Have you prayed for God's guidance? If so, pray persistently for his guidance through Jesus, and he will show you your way in life. How about having a visiting nurse or a maid to come in and help them? Just a thought, perhaps from God.

 

[returntosender]

Trust me, I know scripture. Name a verse. I've given everything to Jesus and have no regret. That is not my issue. I am torn between two things. Parents and son. I've been reading scripture, praying and just asked opinions on that. It feels like I am at a witches trial being burned alive for loving my family lol. How about this.. let he who is without sin cast the fist stone.

Don't feel bad, I don't think they meant to condemn you. I think the advice to check for a nursing home for them is a possible answer for you and them. That is a lot on you, two elderly people that rely on you for there lives.
Their age is the most important thing I think for your decision If they were 20 years younger... In a home for elders there is medical care as well as what you offer them. Trained people that are used to handling people of that age.
I don't think you are down grading your love for God by loving and wanting to be with your son. We can love God to the fullest no matter who or where we are.
The other side is that they are quite elderly and you don't have much time with them left.
There is no way your son can come to you to live?
My prayers are with you, keep asking God for an answer.
God Bless you and family.

 

[Sketcher]

Is there an in-home care worker you can hire and bring up to speed that you could trust your parents to for a week when visiting your son?

Can your son come out to see you and see them?

Once COVID vaccinations happen, of course.

 

[TJB]

I do not like talking about this. I never talk about this.

Thankyou for sharing - there seem to be a lot of people who care and want to try and help in different ways, I hope you don't feel so isolated now

 

[Under_the_moon]

Thank you everyone. I am going to keep doing what I have been and work on ways to improve both situations rather then picking one to focus on. Trusting God and praying about it. Keeping that mindset for everything. I've been letting myself get stressed, worked up and angry and all thats been doing is making things worse and causing me to use fall away from faith.

 

[tturt]

Through the years,, learned not to make decisions when stressed and upset nor when really excited or happy.

Asking the Lord to give you wisdom and His peace. (Jam 1:5, John 14:27).

 

[ChristServant]

Thank you everyone. I am going to keep doing what I have been and work on ways to improve both situations rather then picking one to focus on. Trusting God and praying about it. Keeping that mindset for everything. I've been letting myself get stressed, worked up and angry and all thats been doing is making things worse and causing me to use fall away from faith.

All the emotions you have mentioned will come and go and some days will be better than others. One thing that helped me a lot when I was struggling with all these emotions was that, if I am struggling this much how much worse is it for them. Try to smile as much as you can and laugh at things, this helps greatly.

As time goes by and your parents get worse you will need some help. I found a routine really useful. I have been through Alzheimer's with my father and with my mother also ill, I refused to put them in a home even though everyone was saying too do so. Many used the term burden but I saw it as a duty, even more so when I made my parents a promise I would not leave them alone or too the system. My parents cared for me growing up so I felt it was time to help them in time of need. I could not abandon my parents as so many do nowadays.

It was extremely difficult as my father deteriorated but I was there to the end and with my mother. I suffered from being quite unwell after but would not change a thing. My father shed a tear before his last breath as I was holding his hand and I always believed that was his way of saying thank you.

May GOD grant you the Peace and strength you need.

 

[Berean Tim]

I do not like talking about this. I never talk about this. I have a son who is everything to me, my world and what holds me together. But divorced happened. My parents are old, pushing 90's. They can't cope on their own. My mother has altimeter and possibly dementia. My dad is together but not. They can't cope without me. My son is not close physically. I came to help but with covid and seeing how bad it is I've been here longer then expected. My son and I stay connected every day briefly. We cam when we can. I visit every few months but due to covid it has been a while. It is a flight to be with him not a drive. I have no life here taking care of my parents, no relationship to find and nothing. But they would not survive without me, they refuse to go to a nursing home. I tell myself my son is OK, we touch base every day.. but he is without a dad to be there regularly for him. It is not a matter of leaving and my parents would be fine, they would not survive. Stubborn as mules and I say that without laughing. I usually regret asking advice but I could have a life with my son and meet someone.. but I am here and no idea what God wants.

I suggest finding support group for care-takers. I cared for my Mother for over 7 years, unless you've been there you can't know how hard it is. Just having someone to talk to would be well worth it, even if it's a phone call. I was pretty much isolated during this time

 

[patorceda]

Thank you, I needed to hear i am not a bad dad for being here. And thank you for believing ill find a woman. I'll give you my number incase you know someone. Lol thank you for understanding I use humor to get by. Not many people do. You are an awesome friend. Non judgmental but realistic. That is a true friend!

If you were a 'bad Dad' you wouldn't care as much as you do about your son/

 

[Joined2krist]

Thank you everyone. I am going to keep doing what I have been and work on ways to improve both situations rather then picking one to focus on. Trusting God and praying about it. Keeping that mindset for everything. I've been letting myself get stressed, worked up and angry and all thats been doing is making things worse and causing me to use fall away from faith.

You're lucky to have both parents alive at 90+! I was my mother's primary care giver throughout her illness (dementia), it was hard for the most part but I have no regrets, I worked very hard and got stressed out a lot but today I'm glad I did all that for her. You've made the right decision, they are not going to be around for a long time so make the most of it, your son will have you for much longer so let him know this, you can also try to enable him bond with his grandparents as well, so he can understand better about their situation. God be with you all