Torn and Looking for Advice

[UWWJedi]

I'll try and keep this short because this is partly asking for advice and partly a rant (despite my distaste for rants).

So I've been dating my girlfriend for a couple months shy of three years. We've been through a lot and are currently in year two of a LDR (6hr drive). We're also both in college (my 3rd year, her 2nd). As I've learned, people change at college. We've both grown a lot spiritually (not necessarily together), but we've also changed in other ways. Additionally, we are both very busy and get very little time to talk or email.

The end result is that we know each other less and less. It's unnerving because last year I thought she was the one.

Now, however, I'm not sure. (Here's where things get really yucky.) There's a godly friend of mine that I like very much, and am very attracted to. I think she likes me, too. I didn't used let mysef dwell on it because she was in a relationship with someone else. Now she's not.

I'm trying to be a faithful boyfriend, but doubts keep seeping in. Do I still really love my girlfriend despite feeling like I know her less and less? Is it time for this chapter to end? Where is God leading me? Is this just a moment of weakness that will pass?

So now I'm torn.

I've been praying about this a lot the past couple weeks, and I still don't feel like I'm getting a clear answer. I'm a patient person, but I'm literally making myself queasy trying to figure things out. I don't want to not look for an answer, but I fear I'll only make things worse by getting myself all worked up.

So my girlfriend is coming up to visit me and her friends here. It'll be my first time seeing her since August. She arrives later tonight and will be around through Thursday. I may not even see that much of her because her evenings are going to be spent visiting the friends she's staying with, and I have exams on Monday and Tuesday. Ick.

So I want to talk to her about our relationship, but I don't want to be like, "Is this relationship really working? Oh, and by the way, MERRY CHRISTMAS." Yuck. The flip side is that I don't want to do this over the phone or via email. Double Yuck.

I guess I don't know what I'm looking for. God's got a plan, but I have no clue what it is. I guess I would appreciate: 1) Prayers. 2) Advice on the situation. 3) Advice on how to listen to God.

So I lied. This is a long post. Sorry and thank you and God bless.

 

[Glorianna]

Sounds like you need to do a lot of talking. First of all, continue praying. Second, talk to your girlfriend. Get things out in the open and don't hide things from her. See what she has to say about things. I will be praying for you.

 

[TJMan2050]

Well, the first thing to do in my opinion is Pray of course, like you've been doing, God works on his own time, and so yeah, next thing is to wait and see what happens with your gf since she is visiting, maybe she is feeling the same way, or maybe once you get together again, your love will be renewed and the doubts will be gone. I don't know what God has in store. I think you probably should talk to her, in person. Not really sure how to go about that, cuz everybody is different. In terms of listening to God, well God speaks in many different forms, I think you'll know if he is telling you something, just pray about clarity and that you'll know when God is telling you one way or the other, this is a hard thing, don't rush things, make sure of what God is saying, and what is right. I pray that it will work out as God wills, and you will both be understanding of how it is mean to work out. This is a toughy I admit, God Bless, and I hope things work out for the best!

 

[hugnluvable]

Hi there... hmm, thats a tough one my dear. But I'll try and offer you at least some words. I'm in a LDR myself (3 hour drive) but I see my bf weekly... but its still enough to get you questioning about other people who you come across day by day...

First of all get this fact in your head... you're human - I keep on saying this lately to people - but you are a human, and us humans arent perfect! Its normal to have feelings for other girls - its what you do with those feelings thats the most important thing. I know I've had feelings for other men when my bf hasnt been around and it seriously made me question where we were going as a couple. But so far you've done the right thing, you havent chatted this other girl up, and you're still with your girlfriend. Fantastic!

Something that I've also learnt about relationships is this though... if you arent happy with the relationship then YOU have to do something about it! God wants the very best for you, not what you'll make do with. Do not worry about how its going to tear her apart if you break up (that didnt mean to sound harsh) - thats not your responsibility, thats her own to forgive you and have feelings for/or against you - you wont be able to ever control that........

Just keep praying - listen to God and follow Him - He really does have your best interests at heart

Love, hugs and prayers
Erica
xxx

 

[MagicStar723]

Hi there... hmm, thats a tough one my dear. But I'll try and offer you at least some words. I'm in a LDR myself (3 hour drive) but I see my bf weekly... but its still enough to get you questioning about other people who you come across day by day...

First of all get this fact in your head... you're human - I keep on saying this lately to people - but you are a human, and us humans arent perfect! Its normal to have feelings for other girls - its what you do with those feelings thats the most important thing. I know I've had feelings for other men when my bf hasnt been around and it seriously made me question where we were going as a couple. But so far you've done the right thing, you havent chatted this other girl up, and you're still with your girlfriend. Fantastic!

Something that I've also learnt about relationships is this though... if you arent happy with the relationship then YOU have to do something about it! God wants the very best for you, not what you'll make do with. Do not worry about how its going to tear her apart if you break up (that didnt mean to sound harsh) - thats not your responsibility, thats her own to forgive you and have feelings for/or against you - you wont be able to ever control that........

Just keep praying - listen to God and follow Him - He really does have your best interests at heart

Love, hugs and prayers
Erica
xxx

I'm in the same situation as Erica and couldn't agree more with this post!

 

[FatBurger]

Never, ever jump from one relationship into another. It pretty much never works. You're looking for something that your girlfriend can provide. The disenchantment in a relationship shouldn't be the end of it, but the beginning of your relationship maturing. Use this time to learn to truly love each other, and you'll give your relationship the kind of satisfaction that no infatuation or emotional high can give.

 

[StephanieD]

I'm also in an LDR and we see one another at least once a month. Distance really does affect a relationship and can affect the way you feel about the other person because you aren't together as often. You're also not sharing similar life experiences since you aren't in the same location. I would agree with the other posts in that it'll be important for you to see how your relationship is once your girlfriend visits. Things can totally change in your mind once you are spending time together in-person.
Prayer is key. Also, consulting the advice of other trusted, godly people who know you helps as well (if you have that). For now, I'd set aside your thoughts about the other girl and focus on the relationship you're currently in. I commend you on not doing anything rash so far. You also must see what it is about your girlfriend and your relationship that has made her so special to you. People do change and you want to make sure that you still have the same goals and share the same hopes for your relationship. This is a good time for a DTR (Define the Relationship) to make sure you're on the same page. My boyfriend and I check in every so often to make sure that we're caring for one another and supporting the other person in the way they need while we're apart. I wish you the best as you're together and are able to figure stuff out.

 

[InTheFlame]

You've learnt something VERY important about relationships - people change over time! It always happens, college or no college. The key isn't in getting to know someone - it's in keeping up with the changes! That means lots of conversation about what's going on, how that's affecting you/her, what you've been challenged by in the last week, etc.

So.... my advice is... GET TO KNOW HER AGAIN. Of course you're not going to feel much for her if you don't know her. THEN once you've gotten to know the person she is now - and she's gotten to know the person you are now - you can work out whether you still like each other.

Don't ever make the mistake of thinking someone won't change. They always will. That's part of the reason that relationships require hard work.