Too young??

[yourstrulyjulie]

My bf of 3 years recently told me that even 24 is young to get married. Due to school, I have one year left and he has at least 2, we will be at least that age when we can get married. Would anyone else agree that that is too young? We will have been together for 5 or 6 years by this point. Both of our parents got married at 22, so I don't know why he suddenly feels this way?

 

[Melethiel]

It all depends on you and your maturity level, but no, that's not too young. For the most part, our parents got married a lot younger than is the norm today. I'll be 22 when I marry, and that's several years older than my mom was...

 

[Luther073082]

No I don't agree with him because I think 23 is about the age where if you've been in a long term relationship that you should really start thinking about marriage.

But in how I would handle this situation, I would ask him how old he thinks is "old enough" to get married.

I'd say that if he says age 27 or more then you should inform him that you are not going to hang around for that long after he finishes school for him to decide he's ready for marriage.

I can understand he may be a bit nervous about getting married, but he has to know that he has to pull the trigger on that one eventually.

What you need to make clear is that you are willing to work with him if he wants to get out of school and take a year to get things settled before he gets married. But that if he wants wait for an excessivly long time (More then 2 years after finishing school) then the both of you are just wasting your time and the relationship should end.

This need not be in a threating way but it needs to be stated as matter of fact truth. The fact that you view this relationship as headed towards marriage soon after you get out of school and the fact that he thinks for some reason or another that you should wait around for that is really not something that can be easily reconciled.

And you may want to check while you are at it that you have the similar core values. If your values are not similar then you should not marry no matter what.

 

[GrumpGrump]

There's good evidence that the younger a couple is at the age of marriage, the more likely they are to get divorced. (Correlation does not imply causation, etc., but some correlation exists.) A psychologist I know said that the developmental changes that occur between the ages of 20 and 24 pale in comparison to the developmental changes that occur between 24 and 27. From my personal experience, I wholeheartedly agree. I was a dramatic, insecure, emotionally immature mess at 22. (I like to think I'm better now, but you'd have to ask the boyfriend.)

It depends on you, your boyfriend, and the maturity and health of your relationship. If I'd married at 22, I'd be miserable. I hadn't seen at that point what a good, healthy relationship looked like. It took me until I was almost 25 to finally figure out what the right type of person is for me and then see what kind of relationship I was capable of having with him (which is perfect).

Marrying young isn't inherently rash or imprudent, but I think there are some things to be particularly aware of, and it's a decision to be made carefully after you reflect honestly and rationally on your own situation.

 

[SparkyMaddie]

My best friends parents married out of highschool. Happily married,3 kids. It all depends on how you can work marriage,bills,kids,that sort of thing. I think they did a great job and worked,both of them and became proffesional people in the work force even through parenting. They did it. It can be fine.

 

[Mrs.Slocombe]

There's good evidence that the younger a couple is at the age of marriage, the more likely they are to get divorced. (Correlation does not imply causation, etc., but some correlation exists.) A psychologist I know said that the developmental changes that occur between the ages of 20 and 24 pale in comparison to the developmental changes that occur between 24 and 27. From my personal experience, I wholeheartedly agree. I was a dramatic, insecure, emotionally immature mess at 22. (I like to think I'm better now, but you'd have to ask the boyfriend.)

It depends on you, your boyfriend, and the maturity and health of your relationship. If I'd married at 22, I'd be miserable. I hadn't seen at that point what a good, healthy relationship looked like. It took me until I was almost 25 to finally figure out what the right type of person is for me and then see what kind of relationship I was capable of having with him (which is perfect).

Marrying young isn't inherently rash or imprudent, but I think there are some things to be particularly aware of, and it's a decision to be made carefully after you reflect honestly and rationally on your own situation.

Turn your reps on.

I agree whole-heartedly. I don't think you can put an age on things - I'm 24, and I can't see myself getting married anytime soon. Personally, I'd rather put roots down, have a career and the wedding that I'd want. The likelihood that I'll be able to accomplish all this by 25 is slim.

At the same token, I have a mother who married a younger man while in her 30s. I've never had any inclination or pressure to be a young bride; I'm perfectly okay for waiting till I have the money to have the lifestyle I want with my husband before I walk down the aisle. I do not think he's worth ending it with over this sudden change of heart; it's 2011 afterall, not the 70s or 80s when 22 was a 'normal' or 'average' age to get married.

 

[PDAztec88]

I think it truly depends on the person!! I don't think 24 is too young at all your an adult. I got married at 19 years old and have been married for 3 1/2 years.

 

[chrisb13]

24 is not too young at all. I know a guy who got married at 18 and he's more mature after marriage. I guess marriage does that to you.

 

[vballbball17]

I think it truly depends on the person!! quote]
Like, agreed!

 

[vballbball17]

I think it truly depends on the person!!

lol woops

 

[biscuitfeatures]

My fiance and I will be getting married at the end of 2012, aged 21 and 22 respectively. I would have liked to get married in 2010 (when I made my decision, it was final! We were going all the way!), but God's had other plans. We're going through a massive preparation period, sorting out all the kinks so that our marriage will be more likely to work like a marriage should when we finally get to it.

My point? If you follow God's advice, everything should be fine. There is no perfect age. If it's legal, there's a chance it'll work. It all depends on whether you're prepared to follow God's lead on EVERYTHING.

 

[The Nihilist]

My bf of 3 years recently told me that even 24 is young to get married. Due to school, I have one year left and he has at least 2, we will be at least that age when we can get married. Would anyone else agree that that is too young? We will have been together for 5 or 6 years by this point. Both of our parents got married at 22, so I don't know why he suddenly feels this way?

Right age to marry

Here's an article by Christian theologian and eHarmony guy Dr. something something Warren. It does a pretty good job of covering the situation.

 

[biscuitfeatures]

Here's an article by Christian theologian and eHarmony guy Dr. something something Warren. It does a pretty good job of covering the situation.

He raises some really good points in that article - young people usually aren't prepared for the "Real world" of married life. To an extent, you can only know once you get there. But the tragedy here is that our parents, grandparents and communities aren't teaching us the skills so necessary to making a relationship work in the long term - we're left to fumble and make mistakes alone, with the most advice arriving when we hit a break up or the whispers of "ditch them" when things become rocky. We've lost our role models.

Self-help books and "professionals" can only take us so far - we need people who know us to talk with, to guide us down the path. I'm young, but I'm confident that my marriage will work, because I have a very wise mother, and the input of all my family, and a faith community, to encourage, advise and support us every step of the way. We aren't so independent as we'd like to think!

 

[The Nihilist]

He raises some really good points in that article - young people usually aren't prepared for the "Real world" of married life. To an extent, you can only know once you get there. But the tragedy here is that our parents, grandparents and communities aren't teaching us the skills so necessary to making a relationship work in the long term - we're left to fumble and make mistakes alone, with the most advice arriving when we hit a break up or the whispers of "ditch them" when things become rocky. We've lost our role models.

Self-help books and "professionals" can only take us so far - we need people who know us to talk with, to guide us down the path. I'm young, but I'm confident that my marriage will work, because I have a very wise mother, and the input of all my family, and a faith community, to encourage, advise and support us every step of the way. We aren't so independent as we'd like to think!

No. You're not prepared for the real world. The way I know is that you think it's something someone can teach you. It's not. Your confidence doesn't mean anything until life's kicked you in the teeth. That's where you learn how to stick it out and that's how you learn to make a relationship work.

I feel like such an old man having said that.

 

[iambren]

It's not that he's too young, rather he's too cold...as in feet.

 

[biscuitfeatures]

No. You're not prepared for the real world. The way I know is that you think it's something someone can teach you. It's not. Your confidence doesn't mean anything until life's kicked you in the teeth. That's where you learn how to stick it out and that's how you learn to make a relationship work.

I feel like such an old man having said that.

And that's where you're naive or just plain ignorant. You think you've got through life all on your own, no help from the people around you? If so, it must have been a particularly cruel and unusual life. If you read what I said, I did point out that some of it can only come down to experience. But that is true of anything. Someone can tell you the mechanics of driving - this is what this does, this is how you do a three-point turn - but until you get in there and experience it for yourself you won't really know what it's like, what the struggles are.

Given that you don't know how many times life has kicked me in the teeth (20 years is a long time, no matter what age), I don't think you can really comment there. You haven't seen what we've been through as a couple already, the battles we've fought and won or are winning.

When we go through rough times and I'm blinded by my own emotional state or my own ignorance, I know I have various people to go to for some outside insight. People who can point out what I'm doing wrong, tactics I can try for resolving issues, some ideas as to what he's experiencing. Without these outside helpers, I would be a million times more likely to try and reason things out by myself, in my emotional states, with my false perceptions of what's really going on, and I would reason that the situation was helpless and give up.

I speak to a lot of pessimists, people trying to tell us that we're not going to last. Thing is, we've both received word from God that it is part of his plan that we be together. (I recently learned that Sean also felt this, and was slightly shocked and amazed). We have free choice and we could walk out of this at any moment, but our choice is to follow God, and that's where he's leading us. When things are on the rocks and we're driving each other crazy, he always does something in the nick of time to remind us what we really want, what's important. And that's where my confidence is: if God is for us, who can be against us?

 

[The Nihilist]

Yeah, that came off as a bit harsher than I wanted, I think. I apologize.

 

[biscuitfeatures]

Same, I get a little impassioned sometimes. Given the times, it's any wonder people don't think we're going to make it. If I didn't have God, I'd probably be as skeptical (or single) as anyone else. Luckily he can work through statistics!

 

[Liife]

Ask him why he feels like that. Every relationship is different. Is he not sure if he wants to get married to you yet? After 3 years, you probably either know or you don't. I don't believe much will change after that. However, if he knows he wants to marry you, but wants to wait, maybe it's due to financial reasons...which can be understandable. In any case, I think you should set aside some time to really talk about this with him in detail.