Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay

[BigDaddy4]

Be afraid....its an expression, it means caution, not literally fear...sheesh

Im quite well aware whats said about fear

In context I THOUGHT it would be obvious

Ill speak more plainly

You made a couple of assumptions about the situation that are incorrect. I don't know why this would be any different??

 

[BigDaddy4]

OK

But the poster you responded to here didnt say that, NOR is the gist of this thread even anything about her putting out....

This is what the poster said:

I don't know if going to a lawyer now is the right thing to do unless you want to end the relationship. From a relationships standpoint going to a lawyer is preparing to fail. How quickly some of you would throw in the towel.

The poster I was referring to (and I think you know who I'm talking about) did advise me to get out because she wasn't putting out. I bolded where I thought my comment was relevant. Feel free to disagree...

Its about her female counselor and demeanor and what we, some of us, think that means.

We cant know what you want us to say

I'm not asking you to say anything. The OP of the thread was about this book that was recommended. I'm still believing that God is Supreme in this situation and He will direct the path that my wife and I must go down.

 

[BigDaddy4]

While your earnest desire to honor the covenant and keep your vows are admirable, you may find yourself in the situation where that gets you very screwed over & taken advantage of. You must at least educate yourself & be prepared, as several others have said.

Who knows, maybe things will right themselves....but then, again, maybe they won't. IF she is planning on leaving, she's feeling real good because she knows you won't do anything to defend yourself. Just be prepared.

As I told a previous poster, this is my second marriage and I know a thing or two about being prepared. I know where to go and what to do. I'm just not actively pursuing it. She has custody issues with her ex that I have helped her through. I think the thought of going through that again will weigh heavily in her decision.

There is a lot more going on that I could write a book about myself so everyone would get the full story. I am guilty in some things, too, and through fasting and prayer, God has shown me some things to improve on myself. I have shared them with my wife and she is in shock that I am willing to do these things.

For example, I hate fruit and salads. Haven't eaten any in years. But through my fasting and prayer, God told me to be open minded and try them. I was injured about 9 months ago and haven't been able to exercise, so I have put on a few pounds. My wife is feeling unheathy physically as well, having put on a few pounds (I mean very few!), which I believe is part of the problem (although she still looks beautiful to me). Through physical therapy and eating healthier, I am hoping she will see the changes in me are real.

I thank you all for the concerns and prayers, but I still signs of life in our marriage. And of course, I am always hopeful in the Lord!

 

[Key]

I understand what you are trying to say. And for the record, this is my second marriage, so I know a thing or two about divorce and its repercussions. Is there any divorce lawyer that's trustworthy?? lol

From my previous divorce I know where to find resources and how to protect myself. I'm not just sitting here NOT being prepared. I'm just believing that divorce will not happen here and not actively seeking to line things up so I can jump on it if she decides to leave. Thank you for the advice, though.

Given that situation then, I wish you only the best.

On a personal prospective, the removal of the ring is a major danger sign, and you might want to ask her about it, open with a line like "I was wondering why you have not worn your ring, does it need to be re-sized?"

Best Wishes and Prayers with you.

 

[dorig59]

I apologize; I didn't know you've already been thru' this. I do wish you the best also and hope it all works out for you.

 

[Conservativation]

I found this to be helpful to think things through from a Christian perspective...it deviates a little from what I think men immediately think about when they face marriage problems:

-----
The event that usually stimulates men to take an honest look at thumos is their realization of the sorry state of their marriage. Often, by this point, they're about to be separated, they are separated, or they're about to be divorced. At long last, their wife's finally not being able to take it anymore has given them the gift of desperation.

They really want to keep their marriage together; up to now, though, they've utterly failed to muster the fighting spirit necessary to contend for it. And here is where, once again, their background betrays them. Their bunny Rabbit faith has them believing that all fighting is striving, or as a pastor of mine used to put it, that they're supposed to "stop trying to make things happen and let God take over."

One younger man facing divorce told me, "I know this sounds crazy, but all I need to do is lay this situation at the Lord's feet, and then get out of the way and let him take care of it." Jesus as Super Sherpa, waiting to carry us up life's jagged slopes without any human willingness, cooperation, or synergy—sound familiar? This is the language of a man who is too "spiritual," and who is insufficiently soulful, to be of any real good. What do you think would happen if he behaved this way at work when his quarterly report came due or when his assignment had been left undone?

 

[Key]

What do you think would happen if he behaved this way at work when his quarterly report came due or when his assignment had been left undone?

Was it a God ordained quarterly report?

 

[BigDaddy4]

Given that situation then, I wish you only the best.

On a personal prospective, the removal of the ring is a major danger sign, and you might want to ask her about it, open with a line like "I was wondering why you have not worn your ring, does it need to be re-sized?"

Best Wishes and Prayers with you.

I already did ask her about it. Her reply was, "I'm not sure if I want to be married. I don't know who I am anymore. I have a sick and empty heart."

She has issues from her past that she is finally going to counseling to deal with. I am trying to walk patiently with her through this and be an encouragement. At some point, I fully expect to have a conversation with her about those issues. If, after that point, she really doesn't want to be married, then I'll let her go in my heart. In fact, the last question in the book is

If all the problems in your relationship were magically solved today, would you still feel ambivalent about whether to stay or leave?

I believe that if her problems were magically solved today, she would stay. That is my gut feeling and the hope I have.

It is also possible that she may have a form of depression or other disorder. I am willing to stick around and work at it as long as she is willing to help herself.

 

[BigDaddy4]

I apologize; I didn't know you've already been thru' this. I do wish you the best also and hope it all works out for you.

No worries! I can't expect you to know everything about me and the situation.

 

[dinonum]

I don't think you should give up, but quite possibly the best thing you can do right now is be supportive. If she really wants divorce, I don't think you will be able to get around that but she seems to be very conflicted and by saying something like "I don't know who I am anymore" tends to reflect inner confusion.

 

[Conservativation]

Was it a God ordained quarterly report?

I dont know...where did you see that terminology?

But if you are trying to point out that a marriage is not a quarterly report....you completely miss the point, and I will leave it to you to think deeper

 

[Key]

I dont know...where did you see that terminology?

But if you are trying to point out that a marriage is not a quarterly report....you completely miss the point, and I will leave it to you to think deeper

Ok, since this is about thinking, and rational, think of it this way.

Working on a marriage is not like dealing with a quarterly report, it is like dealing with the other people in the office.

It does not matter how well you do the report, that is a task, some tedious assignments, that will not change other people's opinion of you, nor will it fix any issues people have with you, it will just get a mandatory task done and have no effect in the overall office dynamic.

No one is going to come running into your cubical singing your praise and how they used to hate you but now they love because, you got the quarterly report done.

Now, we all know that when you are working in an office, you can deal with a co-worker that does not like you or someone you do not like, it happens all the time, in pretty much every office. Since they have no control over your employment, they simply share a space with you, you can tell them to tough it out, or leave, it makes not one lick of difference to you, and in some cases you wish they would leave.

I call these people In-laws, but I am sure other people have different names for them.

But, see, a wife is not one of these people. A Wife is more like a co-owner of the company. If you want to part ways, one or both of you needs to quit, and you can't deal with a co-owner that you do not like or does not like you, as the overall company will have issues, and the employees will be divided. Since they have just as much pull and authority in that company as you do, you can't just fire them.

So now what do you do?