Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay

[BigDaddy4]

My wife's counselor recommended this book to her by Mira Kirshenbaum and she has been pouring through it the last few days. Wouldn't talk about it, so I picked it up and read a little while she was asleep. It seems to me as if the author slants her writing toward leaving the relationship and I did not come across anything about taking personal responsibility for one's own thoughts and action within the relationship. It all seems to be focused on the other person, and if they don't do what you want, then leave.

Amazon.com has a lot of reviews from people who have left their marriage and seem happy. Has anyone read or heard anyone else reading this book? If so, what kind of feedback did they give?

My wife had her second counseling appt. this morning and is about half way through the book. I'm curious if she'll discuss anything...

 

[FallenPaladin]

Her getting counseling from a woman without you means splittsville unless you get some skills. Pragmatically I recommend Ross Jeffries Speed Seduction for a quick study. Of course prayer and the Bible are powerful too but they require faith versus Speed Seduction requires parroting speech patterns. Do both, hedge your bets.

 

[chaz345]

The whole "leave if you want to be happy" line of something the word censor won't let me say, is, unfortunately the default mode of counseling today in the secular world and it's become pretty darn common in "Christian" counselors too.

 

[Key]

My wife's counselor recommended this book to her by Mira Kirshenbaum and she has been pouring through it the last few days. Wouldn't talk about it, so I picked it up and read a little while she was asleep. It seems to me as if the author slants her writing toward leaving the relationship and I did not come across anything about taking personal responsibility for one's own thoughts and action within the relationship. It all seems to be focused on the other person, and if they don't do what you want, then leave.

Amazon.com has a lot of reviews from people who have left their marriage and seem happy. Has anyone read or heard anyone else reading this book? If so, what kind of feedback did they give?

My wife had her second counseling appt. this morning and is about half way through the book. I'm curious if she'll discuss anything...

If she is going to counseling and not talking to you, that is a MAJOR danger sign. That means she might think it is beyond discussion, or that she can't talk with you about it (for various reasons)

My best advice is talk to a lawyer, and get prepared for the split, doing it now will allow you to process your options, and get a feeling for what to expect.

With that put out, I would suggest trying to open an honest dialogue with her about her counseling sessions to see if she wants to talk with you about them, and thus you can get an idea of where she might be heading.

I would have suggested "The Games People Play" and "You're Ok, I'm OK, We're Not" as better reading book for people struggling with marriage problems.

Not sure if any of this helped, sorry.

God Bless

 

[dorig59]

Shouldn't she at least be going to a Christian counselor? And shouldn't the two of you be going together?

 

[Conservativation]

What key said!

the old trust but verify...sorta

Work hard....but be ready.....because you truly cannot control someone else. And if she is seeing fixing you as the problem...and you know that while maybe there is always room to improve, what she is chasing is some unrealistic thing born of ingrained neediness and discontentment.....be ready. Let the rationalizations begin, "God wants me happy"....."he released me"....and a complete and total shutdown of communication.

She is building a war chest of "you go girls"...adding one with credentials is usually part of the package.

Be afraid

 

[FallenPaladin]

I don't know if going to a lawyer now is the right thing to do unless you want to end the relationship. From a relationships standpoint going to a lawyer is preparing to fail. How quickly some of you would throw in the towel.

 

[BigDaddy4]

If she is going to counseling and not talking to you, that is a MAJOR danger sign. That means she might think it is beyond discussion, or that she can't talk with you about it (for various reasons)

My best advice is talk to a lawyer, and get prepared for the split, doing it now will allow you to process your options, and get a feeling for what to expect.

With that put out, I would suggest trying to open an honest dialogue with her about her counseling sessions to see if she wants to talk with you about them, and thus you can get an idea of where she might be heading.

I would have suggested "The Games People Play" and "You're Ok, I'm OK, We're Not" as better reading book for people struggling with marriage problems.

Not sure if any of this helped, sorry.

God Bless

She does share a little about what she talks about in counseling, which is good. She just doesn't discuss what she's read in the book. I think she just needs to process it. She took off her wedding ring a month or so ago. I'm waiting for her to put it back on as a sign of her commitment to our marriage.

I've been called crazy before on CF for sticking with her, but that's the committment I made to her and to God. I'm not going to be seeking a lawyer or legal advice because that's not an option I can believe in. Deep down, I don't think she wants one either. This is her third and her mom was married 4 times. She knows she has issues to deal with and I think she is finally willing to tackle them.

 

[BigDaddy4]

Shouldn't she at least be going to a Christian counselor? And shouldn't the two of you be going together?

It was a referral from my work's employee assistance program, so I don't think they specify "Christian" or not. Otherwise, insurance may not pay for it. We did try 10 sessions of Christian counseling about 6 months ago. She failed to follow the advice or recommendations then. She finally has said enough is enough and wants to get through this. I have tried for years to get her to go alone so she can work on her past issues, then we would go together to work on ours.

 

[chaz345]

She does share a little about what she talks about in counseling, which is good. She just doesn't discuss what she's read in the book. I think she just needs to process it. She took off her wedding ring a month or so ago. I'm waiting for her to put it back on as a sign of her commitment to our marriage.

I've been called crazy before on CF for sticking with her, but that's the committment I made to her and to God. I'm not going to be seeking a lawyer or legal advice because that's not an option I can believe in. Deep down, I don't think she wants one either. This is her third and her mom was married 4 times. She knows she has issues to deal with and I think she is finally willing to tackle them.

You not believing in divorce as an option won't prevent it from happening if that's what she decides to do. It may not have been clear but I think the advice to seek legal advice was not a suggestion to initiate a divorce but more a matter of being as prepared as possible if that becomes an unavoidable case. There are things you can do now that won't move things toward a divorce that will leave you in a much better position if she does decide to divorce you. That's what was being gotten at with the advice to speak to a lawyer.

 

[BigDaddy4]

What key said!

the old trust but verify...sorta

Work hard....but be ready.....because you truly cannot control someone else. And if she is seeing fixing you as the problem...and you know that while maybe there is always room to improve, what she is chasing is some unrealistic thing born of ingrained neediness and discontentment.....be ready. Let the rationalizations begin, "God wants me happy"....."he released me"....and a complete and total shutdown of communication.

She is building a war chest of "you go girls"...adding one with credentials is usually part of the package.

Be afraid

Jesus says over and over, "Do not fear". So I won't.

 

[BigDaddy4]

I don't know if going to a lawyer now is the right thing to do unless you want to end the relationship. From a relationships standpoint going to a lawyer is preparing to fail. How quickly some of you would throw in the towel.

I do not want to end the relationship. I want to honor the covenant I made with God and her. I meant my vows.

One poster a while ago told me essentially to ditch the b**** if she wasn't putting out. I believe that would only create more problems than it would solve.

 

[dallasapple]

I do not want to end the relationship. I want to honor the covenant I made with God and her. I meant my vows.

One poster a while ago told me essentially to ditch the b**** if she wasn't putting out. I believe that would only create more problems than it would solve.

(((HUGS))))

Yep that would create the problem that you would be divorced from the woman you seem to love and want to be with..Getting a divorce from her isnt going to get you "sex" with her..

I dont like the sound of that book..

Go to counseling with her hun..

(((HUGS)))

Love

Dallas

 

[BigDaddy4]

(((HUGS))))

Yep that would create the problem that you would be divorced from the woman you seem to love and want to be with..Getting a divorce from her isnt going to get you "sex" with her..

I dont like the sound of that book..

Go to counseling with her hun..

(((HUGS)))

Love

Dallas

In due time maybe. Now, it's her time to get herself straight.

Thanks for the (((HUGS)))!!

 

[Key]

She does share a little about what she talks about in counseling, which is good. She just doesn't discuss what she's read in the book. I think she just needs to process it. She took off her wedding ring a month or so ago. I'm waiting for her to put it back on as a sign of her commitment to our marriage.

I've been called crazy before on CF for sticking with her, but that's the committment I made to her and to God. I'm not going to be seeking a lawyer or legal advice because that's not an option I can believe in. Deep down, I don't think she wants one either. This is her third and her mom was married 4 times. She knows she has issues to deal with and I think she is finally willing to tackle them.

I am not asking you to dump her, I am just telling you to go find out what the rules to the game are. The choice, sadly, is not Yours to make, it is hers at this point. You have made the choice to stick by her, but that does not mean you should be ignorant of what is involved when it comes to divorce, she has done this two times already, which means she knows what is involved, you don't, and if things go bad, that gives her a very distinct edge in this game.

While loosing a relationship is very hard, painful and destructive, loosing your house, car, and all your other parts of life in the process is salt to the wound, additional pain you do not need if things go like that.

Other note. She took off the wedding ring? OUCH! That is a major bad sign, she does not wear it around YOU? I mean, my brother would take his ring off (sometimes) when he went out and partied to cruise for chicks, let me tell you, the ring only stops the decent ones, and even then, it's all about the line of BS. But he would at least put his ring on when he was home.

If she has not worn her ring around you, that is very bad. Again, you have made your choice, stock by her, but don't be blind, get the rules straight.

if I was having medical problems that I could not resolve, I would talk with a doctor, if my car is broken and It's beyond my skill to fix it, I call a mechanic, if my wife is having issue that I can't do anything about, and might divorce me, I am going to talk with a lawyer and find out what I am facing and what the deal is, also take this time to shop around, so you are not floundering at the last moment trying to find a lawyer as you are being handed the papers.

Think of it like insurance, you buy life insurance, you have it hoping to live but being ready to take care of your estate if you die.

Just saying. Let her work it out on her own, and all that Jazz, and if nothing happens, then at least you know what the deal is, you might want to keep the lawyers number just in case you have to deal with a foreclosure or something in the future, having a lawyer you know and trust is a great asset, might as well look now.

I hope some of this helped.

God Bless

 

[Conservativation]

Jesus says over and over, "Do not fear". So I won't.

Be afraid....its an expression, it means caution, not literally fear...sheesh

Im quite well aware whats said about fear

In context I THOUGHT it would be obvious

Ill speak more plainly

 

[Conservativation]

I do not want to end the relationship. I want to honor the covenant I made with God and her. I meant my vows.

One poster a while ago told me essentially to ditch the b**** if she wasn't putting out. I believe that would only create more problems than it would solve.

OK

But the poster you responded to here didnt say that, NOR is the gist of this thread even anything about her putting out....

Its about her female counselor and demeanor and what we, some of us, think that means.

We cant know what you want us to say

 

[dorig59]

While your earnest desire to honor the covenant and keep your vows are admirable, you may find yourself in the situation where that gets you very screwed over & taken advantage of. You must at least educate yourself & be prepared, as several others have said.

Who knows, maybe things will right themselves....but then, again, maybe they won't. IF she is planning on leaving, she's feeling real good because she knows you won't do anything to defend yourself. Just be prepared.

 

[dorig59]

Jesus says over and over, "Do not fear". So I won't.

that's right, and Jesus also gave us common sense. Have you ever heard that story about the man who was on top of his house because of a flood?

 

[BigDaddy4]

I am not asking you to dump her, I am just telling you to go find out what the rules to the game are. The choice, sadly, is not Yours to make, it is hers at this point. You have made the choice to stick by her, but that does not mean you should be ignorant of what is involved when it comes to divorce, she has done this two times already, which means she knows what is involved, you don't, and if things go bad, that gives her a very distinct edge in this game.

While loosing a relationship is very hard, painful and destructive, loosing your house, car, and all your other parts of life in the process is salt to the wound, additional pain you do not need if things go like that.

Other note. She took off the wedding ring? OUCH! That is a major bad sign, she does not wear it around YOU? I mean, my brother would take his ring off (sometimes) when he went out and partied to cruise for chicks, let me tell you, the ring only stops the decent ones, and even then, it's all about the line of BS. But he would at least put his ring on when he was home.

If she has not worn her ring around you, that is very bad. Again, you have made your choice, stock by her, but don't be blind, get the rules straight.

if I was having medical problems that I could not resolve, I would talk with a doctor, if my car is broken and It's beyond my skill to fix it, I call a mechanic, if my wife is having issue that I can't do anything about, and might divorce me, I am going to talk with a lawyer and find out what I am facing and what the deal is, also take this time to shop around, so you are not floundering at the last moment trying to find a lawyer as you are being handed the papers.

Think of it like insurance, you buy life insurance, you have it hoping to live but being ready to take care of your estate if you die.

Just saying. Let her work it out on her own, and all that Jazz, and if nothing happens, then at least you know what the deal is, you might want to keep the lawyers number just in case you have to deal with a foreclosure or something in the future, having a lawyer you know and trust is a great asset, might as well look now.

I hope some of this helped.

God Bless

I understand what you are trying to say. And for the record, this is my second marriage, so I know a thing or two about divorce and its repercussions. Is there any divorce lawyer that's trustworthy?? lol

From my previous divorce I know where to find resources and how to protect myself. I'm not just sitting here NOT being prepared. I'm just believing that divorce will not happen here and not actively seeking to line things up so I can jump on it if she decides to leave. Thank you for the advice, though.