Toddler woes...

[ChristianMommy]

My daughter turned 2 in June and up until this past week she has been almost unbelievably well behaved. My husband and I joined a small group that meets once a week and last week when we went she was wonderful, sharing and being nice. This week though, she has started throwing real temper tantrums at home, whether it is for nap time or to come inside, and tonight at the group she started hitting and pushing and grabbing toys from the other children. I was wondering, is this a normal phase that toddlers go through, and how should I handle it? Up until now I have used time outs, and they worked well, but now I will put her in time out and she just gets up and starts playing, or she has these total meltdowns where she throws herself on the floor and kicks and screams. Any advice (and prayer ) would be greatly appreciated!

Blessings,
Kait

 

[OracleX]

Our daughter started doing things like that around 2 and a half. At first we were able to deal with it in the 'easy' ways, time outs, corners, etc. But then as time goes on, she started to push the boundries again. At this point we had to step up the response to her actions.

We have also tried to deal with some of the route issues as well. We have noticed that she is acting more silly, which is normal for a child, but there is a limit to it. Being silly while you play with your toys is one thing, but not silly at the table or while you are out. Same thing with crying. She has started a pattern of crying (usually fake or forced) when she doesn't get her way. Between the silly side and the crying notions she has kept us busy. What we have started to do is deal with these issues and the rest has started to fall back in line. We have had to be stricter with her and really tow the line and be very consistant in everything we do. We have also had to make it very clear to her that there are consequences to her actions. We lay it out for her and then we hold to it. That is the hardest part.

We use the 1-2-3 method for getting her attetion and to ask her to stop what she is doing.

"Please stop throwing food."
"1 Please stop throwing food now, or we will take it away."
"2 Please stop throwing food now, or we will take it away and you will have a time out."
"3 Ok we are taking away your food and you are going to have a time out."

Stick to it and follow through everytime. Once you feel that the time out is long enough then talk to them about why they had a time out. Then go back to the table. If the behavior continues back at the table, we go through the same steps but the punishiment is stepped up when we get to 3. Our daughter for the most part doesn't let us get to 3 very much because she knows that we follow through with what we say. Even if we say 3 and then she stops, we follow through with the consequences. She knows that if we get to 3 it will happen regaurdless of crying or what have you.

As far as the temper and crying issue, I have started to use a method my father use to use that worked very well. When I use to cry over nothing, trying to get my way, my father would say, "Stop crying." If I didn't he would say, "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about." I quickly learned that crying to get my way was not acceptable and didn't work.

All this is done with a very calm voice. Even though they are 2 years old they understand more than we give them credit for. Also, if you get angry and shout and scream at them, you are only teaching them that shout and scream is a acceptable way of dealing with things. You must be consistant. If you are not, you lose control. If you use the 1-2-3 system and don't follow through when you get to 3, there is little or no point to using it. In fact you do more harm than good. Your child will not respect or listen to you as much as they don't think you will follow through with what you say. Never threaten any that you are not willing or able to follow through with. Don't say that to your child that if you don't stop doing whatever that you are not going to play with any toys for a year. It isn't realisitic and you probably won't follow through with it.

In all that you do with a young child, always tell them that you love them, but they need to learn to behave and listen. Don't over react and never discipline when you are angry. Give them a time out so you can cool down, some children love to get thier parents worked up.

In all that you do, never forget to reassure them that you love them.

 

[HeatherJay]

That's really good advice, Oracle There's really not much that I can add to that. I have a 2 1/2 year old. For the most part, she's really easy going and cooporative, but she has her moments. Consistency is definitely the key.

We also do the 1-2-3 thing...and punishment is always enforced when we get to 3 (she usually pushes me until 2, but she very rarely makes me get to 3). After the punishment is enforced (usually a time out/ sitting in her corner) if the bad behavior continues, there are no more warnings (no 1-2-3), she gets a spanking. It's very rare that I have to spank her, but it does make the point that she can not push her limits and disobey me or her daddy.

As Oracle said, always make sure they know WHY they're being punished. I usually ask my kids why they're in trouble and have them tell me...that way, I know they understand what they did wrong. And, after their punishment is over, I always give them a hug and tell them how much I love them...which usually brings on a few more tears and them telling me they're sorry for disobeying.

Just remember, you have a perfectly normal child...this is why they call it the 'terrible twos'. But it doesn't have to be all bad. Just be consistent and be patient...and take comfort in the fact that the 'terrible twos' only last until they're 5 or so
Love, Heather

 

[Kiwi]

Great to hear of others trying times, my daughter is 2 and a half and she drives me wild. She is extremely strong willed and sometimes I just have to put her in her room and walk away because I get so mad at her.

 

[Evening Mist]

The toddler years are full of emotional extremes, I agree. But that doesn't mean there are not valid reasons for this sort of behavior. I would hard to look at things in her routine that could be causing her stress, and try to isolate specifically what it is that triggers her. Then it will be easier to work around or at least prepare for the tantrums and the hard times.

For instance,

Are her sleep needs changing? Does her schedule need to be adjusted? Maybe she is outgrowing her naps? Or needs to nap later in the day?

Could she be getting sick? Both my kids have short fuses just before they get a cold or a flu. A couple days will go by that seem crazy and overwhelming and I'll start to worry about my ability to raise children! Then they will suddenly start sneezing and coughing and I will realize that they are just getting sick! Or maybe she could be cutting her 2 year molars? Same kind of thing.

Is she getting enough quality time with mommy? With Daddy? With all of you together?

Is she getting many opportunities everyday to make choices? This is critical for 2 and 3 year olds -- they are driven to have some control, to learn some indepence, and to begin to develop some sense of responsibility. Giving a choice usually goes over much better than issuing a command. I.e. -- "Which teddy do you want to take to bed?" will go over better than, "Time to go to bed."

Is she in daycare or spending regular time with a babysitter, where something could be happening to stress her? If so, ask the provider some questions -- investigate to find out if anything unusual is happening.

Is there something in her diet that could be affecting her behavior? Sugar? Coloring? (red dye in foods can do terrible things to a kids ability to cope with life.)

On the days that you have this group scheduled, I would begin talking with her about it sometime that morning, and then bring it up several times throughout the day. Tell her where you are going and when, and what you will do there, and what will be expected of her behavior wise. That way, she can spend the whole day preparing herself. Then when you arrive, sit in the car for a minute and go over your expectations again so they are fresh in her mind. ("No hitting, share nice, inside voice, etc....")

 

[OracleX]

Good point Evening Mist on the food thing. Red dye turns our daughter in to some unrecognizable monster that almost needs to be cages and sadatied. We learned our lesson on that the hard way - what a horrible evening that was. It was like she wasn't her self and there was nothing we could to get her to calm down and behave. We basically just had to wait it out.

It was cherry topping on a sunday.

bad bad bad

 

[Kelly]

We didn't have terrible twos, we had terrible threes. Well, they weren't terrible. More like trying threes. She grew out of it. Think about it, they're new to these emotions, and their bodies are growing bigger. We had more situations of what I call 'passive resistance' than real tantrums. It's the lay down and force dad to drag me type thing. She'll make a great student activitst someday!

 

[ChristianMommy]

Thank you all SO much for your help/advice/support! The 1-2-3 thing has worked like a miracle!! I guess I wasn't giving her enough credit for knowing as much as she does.

I had my SIL watch her yesterday while I was at the doctor and told her about the 1-2-3 rule we had started, and when I came to pick up Abby she said that she was back to her angelic self . I didn't realize about the food coloring, or the 2 year old molars, but will keep that in mind.

 

[Iddie4him]

When my son, Matthew, tries to push the limits here, I just look him in the eye and tell him that his behavior will not be tolerated in the Daddies tone of voice. This usually works for me, and if it doesn't, then I sit him down and try the time out method. He usually cries and fusses abit, but, He gets over it quickly enough.

 

[Kiwi]

Well here's a question. My husband and I have just moved from one side of the world to the other to become missionaries. We have gone from living in a 2 bedroom house with all the normal things, to living in two rooms in a missionary community. I can establish no 'family routine' for our 2 year old, since everything is shared and eating times are all together. She is becoming quite naughty and it is very difficult to enforce rules such as 'sit at the table and eat' when she sees other kids running around in the dining room. Any suggestions anyone?

 

[Evening Mist]

Well here's a question. My husband and I have just moved from one side of the world to the other to become missionaries. We have gone from living in a 2 bedroom house with all the normal things, to living in two rooms in a missionary community. I can establish no 'family routine' for our 2 year old, since everything is shared and eating times are all together. She is becoming quite naughty and it is very difficult to enforce rules such as 'sit at the table and eat' when she sees other kids running around in the dining room. Any suggestions anyone?

I think expecting one child in a group of children to sit still while the rest are running around is definately expecting too much. Especially when the one child is a wiggly 2 year old. In your shoes, I would ask myself why this felt like such a priority to me, and in the end it would probably be an expectation that I would let go. My youngest child had an impossible time sitting still at the table when he was 2 yo. and I never tried to fight his desire to wander around the kitchen and stop in for bites of food. At 3.5 years old he has decided that sitting with the family is actually important to him -- he doesn't want to be left out, and having him sit with us happily and willingly was worth the wait. At some point in her life, she will *want* to sit at the table and eat. In the meantime, running around the dining room is not exactly a moral failure on her part so long as she isn't hurting anyone or interupting anyone's else's mealtime.