To tell or not to tell

[LadyBird]

If your mother was dying in the hospital and she ask you how she looked you would say...? Why would you say that?

I think that having an affair is a little different than the above scenerio. Honesty is the best policy because he probably will find out one way or another. And he probably will be more hurt to find out that you kept it from him. By not telling him you are still lying to him. I guess that you will end up doing what you want to so I wish you luck.

 

[LadyBird]

One more thing I forgot to add was that relationships are built on trust and honesty both of which have been violated and will be further violated until you tell your husband. If you want your relationship to work out, you have to be willing to tell him. I was watching Oprah today and ironically it was about affairs. She brought up a good point that if you want to salvage things, you must be willing to do anything and everything to try and make things better.

 

[desi]

I think that having an affair is a little different than the above scenerio. Honesty is the best policy because he probably will find out one way or another. And he probably will be more hurt to find out that you kept it from him. By not telling him you are still lying to him. I guess that you will end up doing what you want to so I wish you luck.

He would never find out if she did not want him to. The truth is not always the best policy. Your refusal to answer my question suggests you understand this.

 

[desi]

One more thing I forgot to add was that relationships are built on trust and honesty both of which have been violated and will be further violated until you tell your husband. If you want your relationship to work out, you have to be willing to tell him. I was watching Oprah today and ironically it was about affairs. She brought up a good point that if you want to salvage things, you must be willing to do anything and everything to try and make things better.

If you tell him the trust is still violated only it becomes manifest to him when it was not before. It would be like your parents telling you after 30 years that you were adopted. The lie has become reality, it would be selfish to hurt someone you love just to unload your conscience.

 

[LadyBird]

I didn't even notice the question, I am sorry. Like I said before, relationships are built on trust and honesty...it would be SO wrong not to tell a person about something that significant. If a dieing woman asks how she looks I would say that she has looked better but is still beautiful because that is truth. When someone asks me something and the truth may hurt their feelings I try to do it gently...I try not to lie. Lieing makes everything worse and they DO catch up with you. On Oprah, there was a man and he was cheating on his wife and he didn't tell her for a year(the affair lasted for a year). He said that he could barely look his wife in the eye because he felt so guilty about everything and about not telling her in the first place.

 

[desi]

I didn't even notice the question, I am sorry. Like I said before, relationships are built on trust and honesty...it would be SO wrong not to tell a person about something that significant. If a dieing woman asks how she looks I would say that she has looked better but is still beautiful because that is truth. When someone asks me something and the truth may hurt their feelings I try to do it gently...I try not to lie. Lieing makes everything worse and they DO catch up with you.

I'm different. If telling a lie is the best way to handle something I would do it. If the affair is over and there is nil chance of it happening again or of the spouse finding out it seems like it would cause lots of trouble and hurt the person who was already betrayed by adultery to bring it to their attention.

On Oprah, there was a man and he was cheating on his wife and he didn't tell her for a year(the affair lasted for a year). He said that he could barely look his wife in the eye because he felt so guilty about everything and about not telling her in the first place.

He wanted to tell her because he felt guilty, selfish motive. Aside from clearing your conscience, what good does it do to tell your spouse you cheated on him last month with your exboyfriend but you've stopped and won't do it anymore? Especially if the marriage is on the rocks to begin with this just exacerbates things. A guy telling his wife is different though. Wives usually 'know.' Telling them usually is not as bad as the wife telling the husband.

 

[IslandBreeze]

The truth is not always the best policy.

You have got to show me where it says that in the Bible...

 

[JillLars]

Desi, here is one way to look at it, the bible allows divorce in cases of adultery. In this relationship, adultery has been committed, therefore it is this mans biblical right to decide whether or not he wants to divorce her. If she withholds that information from him then she is denying him that right to choose the fate of the relationship. His decision to stay with her may be dependant on him thinking she is honest with him and faithful to him, if she has not been honest and has been unfaithful in the past he has a right to know otherwise the entire relationship would be based on a lie.

Another biblical viewpoint. A marriage is supposed to mimic the love that Christ shows for the church. Would Christ ever lie to us to spare us hurt? No, he would tell it like it is to allow us to make informed decisions.

For her to deny her husband the truth is to completely destroy this relationship, true, they may remain married, but everything will be based on a lie and it will no longer be a real marriage.

 

[LadyBird]

Great post Jill! I agree with you 100%!

 

[anetbeme]

Hey, it happened to me, but...I let it go and went and threw myself back into my marriage. That stuff happens, why do you think the Lord loves us so. We are sinners and you must move on and give your marriage a chance if that be your choice.

Now, about telling your husband, me, I wouldn't do it, because deep down in their heart they know something by the way you express your love and faults. Don't go and mess a good thing up because your feeling all this guilt because you had an affair. Now, keep in mind you can allow your guilt to eat youself to pieces, and all of that is sin. That is what your trying to get away from, so give yourself a break and don't screw up anymore than what you have and will do in the future. Men don't like to hear that their lady has been with another man, men are diffirent from women. They are nothing like us. You need to love yourself and believe that the Lord has forgiven you and just move on and live each day in joy that you are in the Lord. Now, biblically speaking, this is something that you both as man and wife should learn together and then once you both do this then you will know and feel better about this crazy thing called love, life and eternity. I am a lady that's been married for over 17 years and I have encountered the same in which you speak of. Don't let it consume you, love yourself and trust in your faith and make different couple friends together and get to know each other better, because something ain't right for this to happen to you. Your love/marriage needs serious tending to.

A Friend in The Lord, that wishes you nothing but Love, Hope & Faith

Anet

 

[thekawasakikid]

He wanted to tell her because he felt guilty, selfish motive...
A guy telling his wife is different though. Wives usually 'know.' Telling them usually is not as bad as the wife telling the husband.

Desi, it seems to me that you have some messed-up views on marriage and I really sympathise for you - or maybe I'm more sympathetic for your wife. As Cammie has requested, please explain where the Bible says truth isn't always the best policy.

What does my mother dying in hospital have to do with adultery?

 

[desi]

You have got to show me where it says that in the Bible...

It doesn't, nor does it say truth at the expense of all else is right. Look at the story of Joseph who was thrown into the well and later deceived his brothers when they came to Egypt asking for food. Then look at Jacob and Esau where Jacob lied to Isaac to get his blessing and God condoned it. Finally look at the Germans who lied to the Ghestapo while hiding Jews in their homes to save them. While I agree telling lies is bad as a general rule there are cases where it is warranted.

 

[desi]

Desi, here is one way to look at it, the bible allows divorce in cases of adultery. In this relationship, adultery has been committed, therefore it is this mans biblical right to decide whether or not he wants to divorce her. If she withholds that information from him then she is denying him that right to choose the fate of the relationship. His decision to stay with her may be dependant on him thinking she is honest with him and faithful to him, if she has not been honest and has been unfaithful in the past he has a right to know otherwise the entire relationship would be based on a lie.

So long as he does not know adultery has been committed he has no choice to make. That being the case the marriage will survive as God would prefer it. If the woman brings the matter to her husband's attention and he elects to divorce, God's preference is not upheld and the wife has further sabotaged God's influence in their marriage by telling her husband in addition to initially committing adultery.

Another biblical viewpoint. A marriage is supposed to mimic the love that Christ shows for the church. Would Christ ever lie to us to spare us hurt? No, he would tell it like it is to allow us to make informed decisions.

Jesus would not sin against us so your point is moot as he would have nothing to confess.

For her to deny her husband the truth is to completely destroy this relationship, true, they may remain married, but everything will be based on a lie and it will no longer be a real marriage.

You are mixing up secular 'common sense' with Biblical scripture. A lie of omission to save a marriage does not mean "everything will be based on a lie and it will no longer be a real marriage." You are being melodramatic here.

 

[desi]

What does my mother dying in hospital have to do with adultery?

Telling an emotionally hurtful truth when it does not benefit the receiver in any way is just plain mean.

 

[desi]

Hey, it happened to me, but...I let it go and went and threw myself back into my marriage. That stuff happens, why do you think the Lord loves us so. We are sinners and you must move on and give your marriage a chance if that be your choice...

A Friend in The Lord, that wishes you nothing but Love, Hope & Faith

Anet

Thanks for sharing your wisdom Anet. I think some Christians fail to see the practical side of marriage until it is too late.

 

[vibrant]

If your mother was dying in the hospital and she ask you how she looked you would say...?

for someone dying, let's say of cancer, such a question becomes rhetorical. the answer is known to both parties, regardless of what is said. the same cannot be said for adultery.

 

[desi]

for someone dying, let's say of cancer, such a question becomes rhetorical. the answer is known to both parties, regardless of what is said. the same cannot be said for adultery.

I, cautiously, think you are agreeing with me!

 

[HeatherJay]

So long as he does not know adultery has been committed he has no choice to make. That being the case the marriage will survive as God would prefer it. If the woman brings the matter to her husband's attention and he elects to divorce, God's preference is not upheld and the wife has further sabotaged God's influence in their marriage by telling her husband in addition to initially committing adultery.

James 5:16 Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.

We are not to keep our sins secret from one another, especially our spouse. Even though she's asked for God's forgiveness, she has not asked for her husband's forgiveness...and don't you think that's just as important to God? We can not be healed from sins that we keep secret. All sins are equal, right? Lying to her husband is no less a sin than cheating in the first place.

God will give her the courage and the words to say to her husband...and if it's His will, the marriage will survive...but only if it's done His way, not hers.

Love, Heather

 

[JillLars]

Desi, I don't think you can suggest God's will can be done through lying and deceit. I would like to see one place in the bible where Jesus condones lying to spare someone's feelings.

 

[thekawasakikid]

Telling an emotionally hurtful truth when it does not benefit the receiver in any way is just plain mean.

So a relationship based on truth and honesty doesn't benefit the receiver?