To tell or not to tell

[MixedUP]

After 15 years of marriage I made a really stupid mistake. I met a man and the connection we felt was immediate and intense. He said all the right things and I ended up spending the night with him. We both immediately knew that it was wrong. We cried and we prayed together and asked for forgiveness.

My marriage has been rough and I was ready to just call it quits at the time. My husband had decided to leave but has since decided to keep trying. After this happened I decided to give my marriage another try. I've done a lot of soul searching and a lot of praying. I know that God wants me to stay committed to my marriage. I have told this other person that I will no longer communicate with him and he agrees.

SO, do I tell my husband about the one night? My guilt makes me think that I should. But on the other hand, I know it will destroy him and the chance of working things out. I've tried to think this out from his point of view and if he had been the one to step out on me, but then committed to me again, I wouldn't want to know. But is it fair for me to make this decision.

I want answers from a biblical point of view. I want to do what is right in God's eyes. I know I made a huge mistake and I don't want to make another one.

 

[GREG]

get yourself on track. work on the marriage and when God allows you to make that step, then do so. If you truely wants to work on your marriage then do it with all your heart.

 

[E-beth]

OOOO Tough one!


I believe that as you sinned against your husband, you should ask his forgiveness....eventually. But then again, it might be enough to make him want out for good.

First ask God's forgiveness. Then work on forgiving yourself. Then when your marriage is stronger, consider coming clean with your husband.

I wonder, though, if the tables were turned, would you want him to tell you about an extramarital sin?

 

[ceres]

You have to tell.

I have heard two justifications for not telling a spouse about an affair (not form you, but in general) 1. telling them causes THEM pain and I don't want to cause them more pain 2. it could cause divorce.

Neither are acceptable in my opinion because what you would forsake for either of these is a completely open and honest relationship with your husband. You would always have a "secret" and would not be able to bond with him in the deepest way. Without having this open honest relationship even if your marriage works out it will not amount to much.

If it leads to divorce then it is probably the outcome of other circumstances and not just this one. Something like 80% of people that have an affair and tell their spouse stay married and work it out. It isn't the end. The reason why you had this affair was because of other issues in your marriage right?

Can you live without telling? Wouldn't it burn you up? Better to lay it all out before your husband than have something to hide, maybe something that may come out someday.... from the lover... or maybe someone saw you that you don't know about.

This is the best website on infidelity I have found: www.marriagebuilders.com
It is really helpful.

I have dealt with this subject personally. Feel free to PM me.

 

[desi]

Women should never tell the guy unless an incurable disease is involved. If he is a good man he will be furious and go after the guy while probably divorcing you. If he is a not-so-good man he will use it as reason to cheat on you or he will use it as leverage/ammunition for future disagreements. Either way telling him is a bad idea.

 

[Mayette]

I'm also a newbie here. I read your problem, and that made me think. It's tough to answer that. The best advice I can give you is to pray on it first, and be sensitive as to what the Lord wants you to do. I suggest that you also talk to an elder or a Pastor in your Church for suggestions.

As to my personal opinion as a Christian:
Although God forgives all our sins, the guilt you feel now is a consequence of the past sin you have done. Search yourself, your growth is the most important factor here. If you think that guilt is stopping you to be more productive of God's works, then tell your husband the truth. Once you have prayed for this guilt, and once you feel that God is leading you to tell the truth to your husband, then have faith that it's gonna be alright, and that your husband will understand it, and you both could start all over again and be more productive of God's works and His plans.

Mayette

 

[willing to believe]

I'm relatively new to this also, so my advice is listen to Greg. I'm gonna add something to this, though, and when praying with other people, pray for your marriage and not about this one situation. For now, this is between you and the Lord. When in prayer and wait for an answer, you will know if you need to tell your husband. While I'm on this narrow road, there are some things, that were known to me and I just kept digging to find out more. Needed to leave alone. It was a pride thing. Humble yourself before the Lord and he will forgive you, if you honestly seek forgiveness. Would you want to know if he was unfaithful? Take it to the cross.

 

[chriso]

If you want to seek forgiveness from your husband you have to tell him. If you don't you will be living a lie. If he really loves you and he is a christian he will be able to put this behind him. I will be praying for you.

 

[willing to believe]

MixedUP's marriage was alreadly having trouble. I don't think it's a matter of if he loves her, it's a matter of rebuilding the marriage. That's why she needs to sincerely pray. There will be a time and a place for her to do what she needs to do. Your absolutely right in not lying about it but she needs to stengthen her marriage first.

 

[cutekid 4 Jesus]

After 15 years of marriage I made a really stupid mistake. I met a man and the connection we felt was immediate and intense. He said all the right things and I ended up spending the night with him. We both immediately knew that it was wrong. We cried and we prayed together and asked for forgiveness.

My marriage has been rough and I was ready to just call it quits at the time. My husband had decided to leave but has since decided to keep trying. After this happened I decided to give my marriage another try. I've done a lot of soul searching and a lot of praying. I know that God wants me to stay committed to my marriage. I have told this other person that I will no longer communicate with him and he agrees.

SO, do I tell my husband about the one night? My guilt makes me think that I should. But on the other hand, I know it will destroy him and the chance of working things out. I've tried to think this out from his point of view and if he had been the one to step out on me, but then committed to me again, I wouldn't want to know. But is it fair for me to make this decision.

I want answers from a biblical point of view. I want to do what is right in God's eyes. I know I made a huge mistake and I don't want to make another one.

Id ignore Desi's post if i were u,deceit and dishonesty are totally unBiblical,that is not scripturally sound advice. Whether your husbands ask for divorce or whatever is not the point,you must accept the consequences of ur mistakes. It is a violation of his rights to be kept in the dark about your onenight stand-you are taking away his right to make his own INFORMED decision about whether he stays with you or not,as it stands now he does not know all the facts. Tell him,its the right thing to do.

 

[HeatherJay]

I don't understand how a Christian can suggest to another Christian that lying/hiding the truth (SAME THING) could ever be an appropriate option. If you do as has been suggested and keep if from your husband for the time being until the marriage is stronger, can't you just imagine how much MORE if will hurt your husband when you finally do tell him??? Not only will he have to deal with your infidelity, he'll also have to deal with the fact that you lied to him. I would advise that you come to him humbly and sincerely and confess your sins and ask for his forgiveness...the same as you would ask for God's forgiveness.

I had an ex boyfriend long ago who asked me this very question "If I was cheating on you, would you REALLY want to know? Why ruin a perfectly good relationship by hurting someone you care about?" Now, he asked me in a hypothetical sense, but of course he was cheating on me...he couldn've just have been honest about it and let me make my own decision as to whether I wanted to stay or leave. That way I could have at least kept my dignity...instead I ended up walking in on him in bed with another girl.

Now, I know you said you've cut all ties with this other man, but think about how YOU would feel if the roles were reversed...your husband cheated, he doesn't tell you for the sake of preserving the marriage. When you found out about this other woman, don't you think that your feelings of betrayal would be doubled? Also, wouldn't you feel embarrassed, humiliated...you would feel like a fool.

Now, someone tell me...how is that healthy for a marriage? Trading one betrayal of trust for two. Tell him...if you love him, you owe him that much.

Love, Heather

 

[Job24]

I hate to be blunt. but if you tell him about that one night of weakness then your marriage is going to be ruined... I am not saying that you should or should not tell him but if it is already on the rocks and he almost left you then he will definatly... I am sorry for you situation and I will pray for you.

 

[MixedUP]

I appreciate all of the posts. At this point I have not made a decision. My husband informed me this morning that he has decided to take a job in another town. We had just committed on Sunday to work things out and now he says we can work it out better if we are apart. No, he hasn't found out - that's not why he is leaving. We've been struggling for years.

Thank you for the prayers. And for those who asked -No, I would not want to know if he had an affair. As long as he re-committed to me and was trying to work things out, I would not want my knowledge of a mistake to keep us apart. Maybe I can say that because I know how easy it is to mess up.

I may not need to tell him - this may be the end anyway. But I still have a lot of thinking to do and I appreciate the advice.

 

[chriso]

You need a really strong support group!! Do you have good christian friends you can confide in? If you confess your sins God will forgive you. You must be able to forgive yourself also. Guilt will tear you up. Trust in the Lord and he will bring you through.

 

[ceres]

I appreciate all of the posts. At this point I have not made a decision. My husband informed me this morning that he has decided to take a job in another town. We had just committed on Sunday to work things out and now he says we can work it out better if we are apart. No, he hasn't found out - that's not why he is leaving. We've been struggling for years.

Thank you for the prayers. And for those who asked -No, I would not want to know if he had an affair. As long as he re-committed to me and was trying to work things out, I would not want my knowledge of a mistake to keep us apart. Maybe I can say that because I know how easy it is to mess up.

I may not need to tell him - this may be the end anyway. But I still have a lot of thinking to do and I appreciate the advice.

I have read in more than one book that if one spouse wants to separate for a while to "work things out" that means 9/10 times that person has a lover on the side. That is not a good sign. If you want to work things out you need to stay together. Separating only makes it easier to be apart, not together.

 

[LadyBird]

YOu have to tell him. I am sure that you would want to know if your husband was cheating on you.

 

[thekawasakikid]

Don't you love desi's advice? Not sure where the biblical basis for it is though...

The right advice is just as hard to give as it is to take, and I think you know in your heart that you need to be honest - both to God and your husband. Doesn't really work if it's only one or the other. Sorry.

 

[HeatherJay]

I appreciate all of the posts. At this point I have not made a decision. My husband informed me this morning that he has decided to take a job in another town. We had just committed on Sunday to work things out and now he says we can work it out better if we are apart. No, he hasn't found out - that's not why he is leaving. We've been struggling for years.

Thank you for the prayers. And for those who asked -No, I would not want to know if he had an affair. As long as he re-committed to me and was trying to work things out, I would not want my knowledge of a mistake to keep us apart. Maybe I can say that because I know how easy it is to mess up.

I may not need to tell him - this may be the end anyway. But I still have a lot of thinking to do and I appreciate the advice.

I wish you the best, no matter if you decide to tell him or not. Good luck.

Love, Heather

 

[willing to believe]

Advice was to pray about this, and to allow for the right time to confess it. You don't want more hurt.

 

[desi]

Don't you love desi's advice? Not sure where the biblical basis for it is though...

The right advice is just as hard to give as it is to take, and I think you know in your heart that you need to be honest - both to God and your husband. Doesn't really work if it's only one or the other. Sorry.

If your mother was dying in the hospital and she ask you how she looked you would say...? Why would you say that?


That is why a woman should never ever tell on herself about adultery except when a disease is involved. The consequences are catastrophic. I find it incredibly irresponsible for many of you to advise her to tell while praying for God to sort things out. Thats like jumping in front of a bus while praying for God to save you.