To married women: Qualities needed for a good wife and husband?

[jinksto]

Since you've opened the door for men to post answers.... A few suggestions:
Talk with him about these things. That is the only way you will be able to make this marriage work.

My wife doesn't work. We do not have children. She keeps house for us (with my help ) and manages our finances. She loves me dearly and shows it every day. I have a massive amount of respect for the work that she does in our home and appreciate her efforts greatly. I do not feel like that is a burden on me in any way. Ever. We have a partnership. How do you know that your future husband will feel "used" by you if you take this role? Have you asked? Maybe that's the role he expects from his wife? Whatever, the point is that you must communicate.

Children: This can cause a divorce if you get it wrong. He needs to decide whether he is truly ambivalent or if he really wants kids. You both should decide whether this might change for you in the future. Maybe he knows that you don't want kids and is telling you that he's ambivalent so that he can continue to pursue you and hopes that you'll change your mind in the future. Investigate what it is within yourself that causes you not to want children. Is it because they're a lot of work or just that they (usually) smell funny? Is it because you're scared of the responsibility? That's perfectly valid; it IS a lot of responsibility but you might decide as you mature more fully that it's something that you can do.

JaneFW asks a great question: What are you doing to become a good wife? What does "being a good wife" even mean to you? For that matter, what does "being a good husband" mean to you? Discuss this with him and see where you disagree.

Don't finish school because you feel like you should. Do it because you want to and because you feel it's the right thing for you to do. If you decide that you'll never use a degree and would rather be just a great wife then do that. This is a perfectly valid choice. There is too much pressure (in my opinion) for people to pursue things that they do not want just because "you might need that training later! You don't want to be dependent on him for everything!" ... that too often sounds like someone planning for divorce. Personally, I don't WANT to be ready for divorce. I don't want that easy choice.

If I had to boil all of this down to a few lines I'd say that communicating with your future spouse is key. Understanding both his motives and your own is also important. It's fine that you don't want children ... why don't you? It's fine if you want a degree (or don't want) that you might never use... why? Discuss those things with him. Explain how you feel and understand his reasons for feeling differently.

 

[Sailor_A]

Also I disagree with one poster who said marriage doesnt have anything to do with "emotions'(or feelings) ..well thats kind of funny..because your VERY delima here of whether to get married (committ for LIFE to one man) is in FACT based a lot in your emotions..how you FEEL about your self and how you feel about him..so dont let anyone lie to you and say "marriage isnt about emotions" ..it sure as heck is wether some wish it wasnt or not..

In our society..the only reason (or the main reason) to even GET married is based in FEELINGS desires and emotions..obviously if you dont want children and you plan on working anyway...you dont NEED a 'husband' to do that..so the only reason to get marreid is becasue you WANT to..and that would be based on feelings and emotions and desires for things such as intimacy/companionship..and sharing of some of the hardhsips in life(teaming up together)..SHARING yourself and your life with ONE very special someone...if thats not about 'feelings" or emotions then I dont know what the heck would be then..

If it was just a simple "logical " decision ...most of us wouldnt even bother with marriage..or we would ONLY be getting married for practical reasons such as wanting to have children and for the father to be around (under the same roof for ease of child rearing) with you ..and or marrying in order to be able to have a better material life..thats a pretty grim reason to get married..let alone to stay married once the reality sets in we arent robots..and FEELINGS do matter...they are the crux ..

Dallas

For the OP, this makes a lot sense. Logically (especially for you)... I can't see a reason to get married. You have to want too, you have to need too.

 

[Sailor_A]

What qualities do you not like about your fiance? They could be valid concerns. I don't think finding other men attractive is a problem, you didn't lose your eyes when you got engaged .

You are getting a lot of flak for feeling like you want to have done something before marriage. I actually see nothing wrong with this. I actually felt the same. I think it is important to have some idea of who you are before you join your life with another person. It is important to find out what you like, to know you can do something. So maybe wait a bit before marrying and make one of your wishes come true.

I am married and still a student, I've have not done all I hope to yet but marriage isn't the end of you. It is different, there is another to consider always but the two of you can build dreams and do things together; things like travelling if he is so inclined.

I advise you to ask him why he loves you. Why do you love him?