To JCLover779

[anyathesword]

Hello,

I just read your posts from my other thread. Thank you for posting.

1. Of course I love my kids and I don't understand why I need to be judged as my role as a mother if I don't post about them in the marriage section!
But I guess I can mention something since people think I am a negletful mother and don't do my role as a mother.

I have a 3 in a half year old daughter. She was born 4 weeks before my father died. She understands and speaks two languages, English and french. She loves her brother and sister like crazy and takes care of them, wipes their mouths, plays with them, and makes them laugh. She took care of me when I had awful moments and couldn't stop crying, she wiped my tears and snuggled with me.

Now I have twins, a boy and a girl. They are almost 8 months old. I feed them my own baby food, I never buy baby food in the store. They love their sister and stare at her all the time. They are completely different from each other. I stay up everynight for over an hour in the middle of the night to make my girl go back to sleep. I haven't slept good since over a year. I play with my children, I feed them, I dress them, I bath them, I tell them I love them, I take them on walks, and I love them. If that is not what a mother does, then I sure as heck don't know what it is to be a mother. I post video and photos of them on youtube and Facebook.

2. What do you mean a PaP machine? What is it for? I feel for you though, I am sure it is hard on you to hear things like this.

3. Yes, my hubby is a good father. He takes care of his kids well. He is very good at fixing the house. He is making a new bathroom upstairs for my mother who is finally (I think) is coming to France in July. He has put it many new Windows, made a whole new bathroom before, made my daughter's room, has installed electricity, etc. He has a lot of talent. In walkie talkies, radios, cars, electronics, selling and buying things, police work, martial arts, etc. He even raced cars before. But he isn't like this anymore, (this is what attracted me to him, all these things. Racing cars, bodygaurd for french singers, gendarmerie (military french police), etc. But that was all finished before I came into his life.. He is an attractive man. He was a model when he was younger. But he smoked and stress overtook him and life got in the way. Now he isn't like before.

4. How are you able to manage in your marriage if it is only for your children?

 

[Cardiffgurl21]

I agree you were judged harshly I noticed the physical attraction/fitness post is now closed. You sound like an amazing mother don't let strangers bring you down. I grew up in a marriage where my folks were in it for the kids, as soon as i married and left home my Dad was unfaithful.

I wanted to comment but was too late. I think everyone wants diff things out of relationship. I struggle with food and past bulimia and both my exs (before i was saved) desire to me was based on my weight fluctuation (the skinnier i got they more interested they were) for me it was important to find a man to whom weight was not important. My weight changes yearly, usually when I gain it i go on a spiral of self hatred but am overweight now and thanks to god's grace and my hubbys love in my life i like myself. I don't think looks matter, there is often something about someone that weight cannot change. My hubby is not in great shape and very hairy plus i like the nerdy poetic type and he's a paint balling gun range kind of a man. He's simple and i prefer complicated. However he is a sweetie with the same sense of humor and heart as me. He's brave and kind and our marriage isn't perfect but a six pack couldn't make him more attractive to me, I'm not being fake there is just something about him!!!

 

[JCLover779]

<3

Oh, dear. You make me tear up reading about your kids.

I'm not sure how to answer the question about how I get along when it is for the kids. Let me think about it for a while and see if I come up with something better. I think it is only in the last five or so years that I have really begun to appreciate how what I have given up for the kids has been a good thing. It has taken many years of sacrifice to see the true results (to reap what I have sown). Those moments where I wonder how I could want to screw things up for my kids - those didn't start happening until recently. And my husband has become a better father through the years, which I appreciate more and more. Teenagers need their dad just as much as little ones do.

For me, the feelings that you express here - I can relate to them a lot - and they haven't gone away (why can't I just settle down and be all "in-love" and not regret the choices I made??). But, we (you and I) can keep going along doing what we know to be the right thing even though we have urges to pull us in other directions, and slowly maybe things will get better.

The number one reason is the kids. But I also have my faith, and part of that tells me that God's way is best. Yes, I question things. I wonder if I should go off seeking what I think I want, but my faith pulls me back. Is this really some "religion for the masses?" "Is the fact that you have to stay with the same person really just a plot designed way back when by insecure people who convinced everyone that was the good and right thing to do?" "Would I be happier if this all just ended and I had someone else?" Questioning is good because it makes us stronger in what we do believe. You are not wrong to question things and to say what is on your heart here. You are very brave to do that, and I hope to see that your situation changes in fewer years than mine has because you were strong enough to deal with these issues now. I didn't question and just let life happen. Part of that is how I've gotten along and we have managed to still have a happy home life (I didn't make any waves or let my feelings be known, and I still don't). But what if I had dealt with this sooner? Have I missed out on something that I haven't even known is here?

One thing that helps me - and that you do not have access to where you are right now - is that I have a few live friends I can talk with. These are people where we can share truly how our marriages are, not try to impress each other with our "perfect" marriages. We can see that we all have good and bad (some very ugly) things and it helps us to keep in persepective that we would still have issues with someone else. Not all of my friends are Christians, but they know I am and I have no doubt that God has brought us together. I know you really long for real-life friends - and you know, although I've always had people around, I haven't always had close ones - even here in the States. It is only in the last two years really that God has brought them to me and I finally feel that I have a heart connection.

I will pray for your mother's (potential) visit. I hope it will turn out well for you. This is good news??

Those are good things to hear about your husband. It is possible that with time he may get back to some of those things that he liked to do and which attracted you to him (I did this! But my kids had to get much older). Having small children is a hard time in life and both of your lives have changed so much in the last 5 years.

A biPaP machine is a breathing machine. He is hooked up to the machine and wears a mask over his face. It continually blows air while he is sleeping. He needs this because he stops breathing without it (called "apnea"). Usually this is because the neck/airways have thickened due to weight gain - and that is the case for my husband. He is not grossly overweight - he is on the bigger side of average - but he carries a lot of weight in his neck. He should not be needing that machine at his age, and he likely could stop using it if he worked out and ate differently.

 

[JCLover779]

Cardiffgurl21 - It sounds like you found a great guy in your husband. It is nice that you do not have to worry about how you look affects him/his love for you. And it's a very good thing that you are happy with yourself now.

 

[anyathesword]

<3

Oh, dear. You make me tear up reading about your kids.

I'm not sure how to answer the question about how I get along when it is for the kids. Let me think about it for a while and see if I come up with something better. I think it is only in the last five or so years that I have really begun to appreciate how what I have given up for the kids has been a good thing. It has taken many years of sacrifice to see the true results (to reap what I have sown). Those moments where I wonder how I could want to screw things up for my kids - those didn't start happening until recently. And my husband has become a better father through the years, which I appreciate more and more. Teenagers need their dad just as much as little ones do.

For me, the feelings that you express here - I can relate to them a lot - and they haven't gone away (why can't I just settle down and be all "in-love" and not regret the choices I made??). But, we (you and I) can keep going along doing what we know to be the right thing even though we have urges to pull us in other directions, and slowly maybe things will get better.

The number one reason is the kids. But I also have my faith, and part of that tells me that God's way is best. Yes, I question things. I wonder if I should go off seeking what I think I want, but my faith pulls me back. Is this really some "religion for the masses?" "Is the fact that you have to stay with the same person really just a plot designed way back when by insecure people who convinced everyone that was the good and right thing to do?" "Would I be happier if this all just ended and I had someone else?" Questioning is good because it makes us stronger in what we do believe. You are not wrong to question things and to say what is on your heart here. You are very brave to do that, and I hope to see that your situation changes in fewer years than mine has because you were strong enough to deal with these issues now. I didn't question and just let life happen. Part of that is how I've gotten along and we have managed to still have a happy home life (I didn't make any waves or let my feelings be known, and I still don't). But what if I had dealt with this sooner? Have I missed out on something that I haven't even known is here?

One thing that helps me - and that you do not have access to where you are right now - is that I have a few live friends I can talk with. These are people where we can share truly how our marriages are, not try to impress each other with our "perfect" marriages. We can see that we all have good and bad (some very ugly) things and it helps us to keep in persepective that we would still have issues with someone else. Not all of my friends are Christians, but they know I am and I have no doubt that God has brought us together. I know you really long for real-life friends - and you know, although I've always had people around, I haven't always had close ones - even here in the States. It is only in the last two years really that God has brought them to me and I finally feel that I have a heart connection.

I will pray for your mother's (potential) visit. I hope it will turn out well for you. This is good news??

Those are good things to hear about your husband. It is possible that with time he may get back to some of those things that he liked to do and which attracted you to him (I did this! But my kids had to get much older). Having small children is a hard time in life and both of your lives have changed so much in the last 5 years.

A biPaP machine is a breathing machine. He is hooked up to the machine and wears a mask over his face. It continually blows air while he is sleeping. He needs this because he stops breathing without it (called "apnea"). Usually this is because the neck/airways have thickened due to weight gain - and that is the case for my husband. He is not grossly overweight - he is on the bigger side of average - but he carries a lot of weight in his neck. He should not be needing that machine at his age, and he likely could stop using it if he worked out and ate differently.

If you were able to, how would you encourage and help get your husband to start to maybe walk more or climb the stairs and eat better?

It's hard for me with cooking. My hubby likes my food and I need to gain weight, so I don't worry to much about what kind of food I make. It's hard, because I like it when he eats because it means he likes my food, but in the same time, I know it isn't going to help him lose the belly. Don't know.

I Wonder how life would change when my kids become teenagers? You are doing a great job being a wonderful wife to your hubby.

Yes, actually I just found out recently that my mom has been struggling with a chemical imbalance in her brain since she was a little girl. She now sees things and hears voices. She tried to die a few weeks ago. Now she is doing programs and taking more meds to help her. I am hoping like crazy that she will be able to make it out here in July with my sister. But it is a little soon for her recovery, so I do have doubts. I always think it has been my fault for her difficult few years since my dad died. But in fact it is deeper than that and doesn't have to do with me. I still feel responsable though. Anyway, please pray that she will be able to come and see us in July for the first time. No one in my family has ever come to see me here in France. It will be the first time she will see her 2 new grandkids and second time her granddaughter. I told her you need to keep going, your life isn't finished because you don't have your husband anymore. You have grandkids now, you are a grandmother now.

Oh yes, having children has made me feel unable to do things Id like to do and I still have a hard time seeing my future here. But one day I hope my hubby and I will be able to do what we always wanted to do. I'd like to go back into running and emergency médicine one day.

I know God has brought us together, but why has it been so complicated? Don't know. I know that God works in ways that we don't understand, but I still have a hard time understanding just one ounce why I am here.

I hope your hubby gets better! Take care!

 

[anyathesword]

I agree you were judged harshly I noticed the physical attraction/fitness post is now closed. You sound like an amazing mother don't let strangers bring you down. I grew up in a marriage where my folks were in it for the kids, as soon as i married and left home my Dad was unfaithful.

I wanted to comment but was too late. I think everyone wants diff things out of relationship. I struggle with food and past bulimia and both my exs (before i was saved) desire to me was based on my weight fluctuation (the skinnier i got they more interested they were) for me it was important to find a man to whom weight was not important. My weight changes yearly, usually when I gain it i go on a spiral of self hatred but am overweight now and thanks to god's grace and my hubbys love in my life i like myself. I don't think looks matter, there is often something about someone that weight cannot change. My hubby is not in great shape and very hairy plus i like the nerdy poetic type and he's a paint balling gun range kind of a man. He's simple and i prefer complicated. However he is a sweetie with the same sense of humor and heart as me. He's brave and kind and our marriage isn't perfect but a six pack couldn't make him more attractive to me, I'm not being fake there is just something about him!!!

I am so happy that you are happy. I do agree you on the looks aren't everything. But just to spice up you know, the love life, it would be helpful.
LOL! Very hairy!!

I think the basics is we should all take care of ourselfs, because the Bible says so and because it is good for us anyway. I don't know what it is like, I never struggled with weight. Just to gain, is difficult for me.

Good luck to you and happy marriage!!