I'm pretty new here but thought I'd share my testimony as well. If there is one line that could sum it up it would be "I once was lost, but now I'm found, blind but now I SEE!"
Let me apologize in advance for the length. I am half way through life so have a lot to tell about the bad choices and decisions I've made in life. I'm still far from prefect but His grace covers me and He is working on me each day. I like the phrase: I'm not the man I'm supposed to be, but thank God I'm not the man I was.
I was born and raised in church (pentecostal), I am 4th generation in my denomination and the church I grew up in had a large % of people related to me attending it. So I am well grounded in going to church, learning about Jesus and everything about religion. I grew up in the 70's and 80's in a time period where church was still stuck in the old hymns but starting to become more modern.
Anyways, when I was young my dad did not go to church. He too was raised in church and I don't know why he quit going but until I was 10 he only went at Christmas, Easter, etc. He didn't do anything bad that I know of but he liked to go to the race track on Sundays and run his car at the drag strip. I remember as a child wanting to be just like him and go my own way. My father was saved when I was 10 and I too was saved sometime that year. I love my father, my feelings about him have been all over the spectrum but to tell the truth when growing up he was mainly an absent father, even though he never left home. He was always running around with his buddies and cousins and really we never developed a real strong father/son bond. Its not just me, its the same with my brother. For a long time it affected me without knowing, it was when he apologized to me about 10 years ago for not being there more when we were growing up that it started to affect me and I began to resent him. To be honest, he was always there but not really there.
Anyways, for whatever reason by the time I was 12 or 13 I began to become interested in girls and sex and of course that led down the road to masturbation which eventually led to pornography. These sins had a grip on me for most of my life and while I am very ashamed of it, bu God's grace I am forgiven.
I remember most of my life always feeling insecure and not worth anything. I don't have any idea of why or where it came from but I did. I think part of it was that until I was 15 I was always very short and small for my age, then I hit a growth spurt and eventually got to just shy of 6'. But I have always carried those feelings of insecurity around with me which I believe have always contributed to me needing acceptance from those around me and following whatever strong personality was around me.
To add to my insecurity my church started a church school when I started high school so I missed out on all the normal high school activities as I went to a school of 30-40 kids from K-12. The good thing was I graduated a year early which I spent working. I think went to <gasp!> a Christian liberal arts college where I was surrounded my more religion that I was growing resentful of and wanting to be like my father and reject church all together. My roomate as fate would have it was a preacher and one spring break I went home with him where he preached and God used a young lady to call me out to the altar. I went out of a sense of trying to appease and of course I did not truly give in.
While I never quit going to church, I believe from experience that if you reject God's call He will leave you alone to do your own thing for a time. For me it was 20 years. I met my wife at school, got married and moved to her home state where I began work in a factory surrounded by of course people who are foul mouthed and commit various sins of the flesh.
Of course at first I tried to walk the thin line of being Christian but also living in the world. That worked for a time until I became good friends with a guy who had a very strong personality, drank like a fish, smoked like a coal furnace and used weed on a constant basis. I of course went down that very road although I only drank occasionally, only smoked at work and did marijuana a couple of time all behind my wifes back although she busted me a couple of times with smokes. At that point I was a Sunday only Christian and I was constantly in fear at church that God would give someone discernment of my every sin so I had a hard time getting close to people or talking to anyone. At the same time whenever my wife would bust me we would have knock out, drag down arguments and to be honest I can't believe we didn't get a divorce. The only thing that kept me from walking and leading a total life of self-indulgence and sin were my 2 girls. I couldn't imagine making them go through the hell of divorce.
BUT GOD.......what more can I say. This was 5 1/2 years ago and God was working on my life behind the scenes. First, work slowed down and we got so far in credit card debt that the only option I could see was bankruptcy which my good work buddy suggested. So we did a 13 instead of relying on God. Then we made good friends with our oldest daughter's friends parents who went to our church. To make a long story short the wife has severe mental problems that you wouldn't guess and she put her husband/family through hell along with us. We were very deeply hurt. Before that happened though I was at a kids convention that our denomination has and at that point I again felt the gentle urging of God in my life only this time I knew he wanted me in children's ministry; but my whole thought was look at me, I was a smoker, drinker, luster and pornographer. How could I work with kids or even help them when I couldn't even help myself. It should have been a wakeup call but I didn't heed it and I had even further to fall.
While our friends were putting us through the ringer I injured my shoulder, had surgery and was off work for 2 months. A year later my supervisor got switched and the new guy, along with his boss, had it in for me and threatened me over the next 2 years with being fired no less than 4 times, constantly verbally abused me and forced me to take a job that was supposed to be temporarily an off-shift job but became permanent.
It was at that point that we got a new pastor and family who became good friends to us as our oldest daughters became best friends along with our wives. I got caught smoking yet again, but this time my wife decided to talk to me calmly, plead with me and pray for me. It really touched me but once again the next day I thought I would do my usual "finish my last pack, lay off for a month or so and then resume again when the heat had cooled off". But I had asked God to help me the night before and the next morning when I went to smoke a cig at work I smoked about half of one and all of a sudden I couldn't stand the taste anymore. I threw away the whole pack, lighters, everything and haven't picked one up since. The very smell makes me almost sick now.
But that's not nearly the end of the story, I'm just warming up. This was at New Years at the end of that year our church started doing a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace class. By this time I was treading water spiritually but I had been doing a lot of thinking. I was still cussing and doing the porno but God was bringing me around slowly. Anyways, we went through the FPU class and my wife and I began to become closer and our relationship began to heal.
Still I wasn't nearly where I should have been in the Lord. Then in January 2008 our pastor called our church to do a 21 day Daniel fast. For the first time in my life I decided I would do a fast, while I didn't do a Daniel (at the time I had no idea what it was) I did give up all things most important to me like fast food, pop, porn, etc. At the same time I decided to put my One Year Bible to good use and began reading it everyday.
That July while we were visiting my parents God gave me a dream in which I was walking with 2 good friends of mine through a former prison building and when we opened the door of a hallway I saw a huge pit going down into Hell and on the other side was a long line of people heading into it seemingly oblivious to it. I even saw children going in and it simply broke my heart, I turned to run back through the door and thats when I woke up. I more than woke up from sleep that day, from that moment I began to spend time in prayer and reading the Word.
In between the time revival was announced and it started the Lord also removed 2 hindrances from me at work which gave me breathing space to concentrate on the revival. The manager over my supervisor was fired, and then about a month later my supervisor was fired. So both men who had wanted to fire me so badly and caused me undue stress were suddenly gone. It was a God thing I am convinced.
A little over a month later our pastor announced we would have a revival in November. Normally if I heard the word revival I would go "oh no!" and instantly shut out any mention of it. But I know as sure as I am alive that the Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit at that moment and said that this was the moment, this was my time to become what He had ready for me. I had always known even in the deepest sin that one day I would truly get right with God and it would be in revival and so it was.
At the beginning of November our pastor again called us into a fast to prepare for the fast. This time I gave up even more than before, I fasted an entire meal every day and gave up all sexual sin. Now just so everyone knows, up to this point I wanted no more out of church than what my dad does, show up every Sunday, pay tithes most of the time and help out occasionally. In my case it was as a greeter once a month.
The first Sunday morning service the evangelist gave the altar call and I felt the tug on my spirit but as usual I resisted. While everyone was being prayed over he was giving a word to many of them from God (this is the evangelist's gift, prophecy) and I became jealous. I wanted what those people were getting. That afternoon I kept thinking about it and I decided no matter what I was going to service that night and I was going up no matter what the call was. And that is exactly what happened. I can't remember what the sermon was about or the altar call. All I remember is that a large group of us were up there and God called me out for service to Him that night. At the time there was nothing specific but that night I gave God my all, He spoke a word into me and I've never been the same since, PRAISE GOD!!!!! Not only that but form that moment until now I have not looked at or desired pornography or any other sexual type of sin, HE DELIVERED ME!!!!
This revival went on for 9 months and in that time my life was a 180 degree turn. It started 2 years ago this coming November and since that time I first got into deacon ministry and actually became appointed as a deacon, yes me! Secondly, God used one of my friends that was in my dream, who has become a very dear friend to me. He gave him a word one Sunday night that God was calling me to Children's ministry. Now, I became more involved in it but for 6 months I thought it just meant God wanted me to be a worker or support person, I was still searching for my "real" calling. A year ago this coming November (a year after the revival began) God revealed His plan to me again after much fasting, prayer and reading of the Word and I am now convinced that He has called me, my wife and family into Children's ministry and since that time I have begun training and being mentored to that goal.
Where are we now......in the morning we begin the next step. We begin taking classes/seminars in our denomination for me to become a licensed minister. By next June I should have the first step of it completed and within 2 years I will be fully credentialed. In the meantime starting next year we will begin seeking full time (if possible) positions as children's pastors. My wife is a teacher so shouldn't have too much trouble finding work if we have to move. We have placed our faith in God and are willing to take the next step of commitment to His service. I am so unworthy of even a momentary glance of the eye of God, but by the sacrifice of Christ on the cross I know that by His grace and mercy I am fully redeemed and He has cast my sins into the depths of the ocean. I can never thank Him or praise Him enough for what He has done for me.
Let me apologize in advance for the length. I am half way through life so have a lot to tell about the bad choices and decisions I've made in life. I'm still far from prefect but His grace covers me and He is working on me each day. I like the phrase: I'm not the man I'm supposed to be, but thank God I'm not the man I was.
I was born and raised in church (pentecostal), I am 4th generation in my denomination and the church I grew up in had a large % of people related to me attending it. So I am well grounded in going to church, learning about Jesus and everything about religion. I grew up in the 70's and 80's in a time period where church was still stuck in the old hymns but starting to become more modern.
Anyways, when I was young my dad did not go to church. He too was raised in church and I don't know why he quit going but until I was 10 he only went at Christmas, Easter, etc. He didn't do anything bad that I know of but he liked to go to the race track on Sundays and run his car at the drag strip. I remember as a child wanting to be just like him and go my own way. My father was saved when I was 10 and I too was saved sometime that year. I love my father, my feelings about him have been all over the spectrum but to tell the truth when growing up he was mainly an absent father, even though he never left home. He was always running around with his buddies and cousins and really we never developed a real strong father/son bond. Its not just me, its the same with my brother. For a long time it affected me without knowing, it was when he apologized to me about 10 years ago for not being there more when we were growing up that it started to affect me and I began to resent him. To be honest, he was always there but not really there.
Anyways, for whatever reason by the time I was 12 or 13 I began to become interested in girls and sex and of course that led down the road to masturbation which eventually led to pornography. These sins had a grip on me for most of my life and while I am very ashamed of it, bu God's grace I am forgiven.
I remember most of my life always feeling insecure and not worth anything. I don't have any idea of why or where it came from but I did. I think part of it was that until I was 15 I was always very short and small for my age, then I hit a growth spurt and eventually got to just shy of 6'. But I have always carried those feelings of insecurity around with me which I believe have always contributed to me needing acceptance from those around me and following whatever strong personality was around me.
To add to my insecurity my church started a church school when I started high school so I missed out on all the normal high school activities as I went to a school of 30-40 kids from K-12. The good thing was I graduated a year early which I spent working. I think went to <gasp!> a Christian liberal arts college where I was surrounded my more religion that I was growing resentful of and wanting to be like my father and reject church all together. My roomate as fate would have it was a preacher and one spring break I went home with him where he preached and God used a young lady to call me out to the altar. I went out of a sense of trying to appease and of course I did not truly give in.
While I never quit going to church, I believe from experience that if you reject God's call He will leave you alone to do your own thing for a time. For me it was 20 years. I met my wife at school, got married and moved to her home state where I began work in a factory surrounded by of course people who are foul mouthed and commit various sins of the flesh.
Of course at first I tried to walk the thin line of being Christian but also living in the world. That worked for a time until I became good friends with a guy who had a very strong personality, drank like a fish, smoked like a coal furnace and used weed on a constant basis. I of course went down that very road although I only drank occasionally, only smoked at work and did marijuana a couple of time all behind my wifes back although she busted me a couple of times with smokes. At that point I was a Sunday only Christian and I was constantly in fear at church that God would give someone discernment of my every sin so I had a hard time getting close to people or talking to anyone. At the same time whenever my wife would bust me we would have knock out, drag down arguments and to be honest I can't believe we didn't get a divorce. The only thing that kept me from walking and leading a total life of self-indulgence and sin were my 2 girls. I couldn't imagine making them go through the hell of divorce.
BUT GOD.......what more can I say. This was 5 1/2 years ago and God was working on my life behind the scenes. First, work slowed down and we got so far in credit card debt that the only option I could see was bankruptcy which my good work buddy suggested. So we did a 13 instead of relying on God. Then we made good friends with our oldest daughter's friends parents who went to our church. To make a long story short the wife has severe mental problems that you wouldn't guess and she put her husband/family through hell along with us. We were very deeply hurt. Before that happened though I was at a kids convention that our denomination has and at that point I again felt the gentle urging of God in my life only this time I knew he wanted me in children's ministry; but my whole thought was look at me, I was a smoker, drinker, luster and pornographer. How could I work with kids or even help them when I couldn't even help myself. It should have been a wakeup call but I didn't heed it and I had even further to fall.
While our friends were putting us through the ringer I injured my shoulder, had surgery and was off work for 2 months. A year later my supervisor got switched and the new guy, along with his boss, had it in for me and threatened me over the next 2 years with being fired no less than 4 times, constantly verbally abused me and forced me to take a job that was supposed to be temporarily an off-shift job but became permanent.
It was at that point that we got a new pastor and family who became good friends to us as our oldest daughters became best friends along with our wives. I got caught smoking yet again, but this time my wife decided to talk to me calmly, plead with me and pray for me. It really touched me but once again the next day I thought I would do my usual "finish my last pack, lay off for a month or so and then resume again when the heat had cooled off". But I had asked God to help me the night before and the next morning when I went to smoke a cig at work I smoked about half of one and all of a sudden I couldn't stand the taste anymore. I threw away the whole pack, lighters, everything and haven't picked one up since. The very smell makes me almost sick now.
But that's not nearly the end of the story, I'm just warming up. This was at New Years at the end of that year our church started doing a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace class. By this time I was treading water spiritually but I had been doing a lot of thinking. I was still cussing and doing the porno but God was bringing me around slowly. Anyways, we went through the FPU class and my wife and I began to become closer and our relationship began to heal.
Still I wasn't nearly where I should have been in the Lord. Then in January 2008 our pastor called our church to do a 21 day Daniel fast. For the first time in my life I decided I would do a fast, while I didn't do a Daniel (at the time I had no idea what it was) I did give up all things most important to me like fast food, pop, porn, etc. At the same time I decided to put my One Year Bible to good use and began reading it everyday.
That July while we were visiting my parents God gave me a dream in which I was walking with 2 good friends of mine through a former prison building and when we opened the door of a hallway I saw a huge pit going down into Hell and on the other side was a long line of people heading into it seemingly oblivious to it. I even saw children going in and it simply broke my heart, I turned to run back through the door and thats when I woke up. I more than woke up from sleep that day, from that moment I began to spend time in prayer and reading the Word.
In between the time revival was announced and it started the Lord also removed 2 hindrances from me at work which gave me breathing space to concentrate on the revival. The manager over my supervisor was fired, and then about a month later my supervisor was fired. So both men who had wanted to fire me so badly and caused me undue stress were suddenly gone. It was a God thing I am convinced.
A little over a month later our pastor announced we would have a revival in November. Normally if I heard the word revival I would go "oh no!" and instantly shut out any mention of it. But I know as sure as I am alive that the Holy Spirit spoke to my spirit at that moment and said that this was the moment, this was my time to become what He had ready for me. I had always known even in the deepest sin that one day I would truly get right with God and it would be in revival and so it was.
At the beginning of November our pastor again called us into a fast to prepare for the fast. This time I gave up even more than before, I fasted an entire meal every day and gave up all sexual sin. Now just so everyone knows, up to this point I wanted no more out of church than what my dad does, show up every Sunday, pay tithes most of the time and help out occasionally. In my case it was as a greeter once a month.
The first Sunday morning service the evangelist gave the altar call and I felt the tug on my spirit but as usual I resisted. While everyone was being prayed over he was giving a word to many of them from God (this is the evangelist's gift, prophecy) and I became jealous. I wanted what those people were getting. That afternoon I kept thinking about it and I decided no matter what I was going to service that night and I was going up no matter what the call was. And that is exactly what happened. I can't remember what the sermon was about or the altar call. All I remember is that a large group of us were up there and God called me out for service to Him that night. At the time there was nothing specific but that night I gave God my all, He spoke a word into me and I've never been the same since, PRAISE GOD!!!!! Not only that but form that moment until now I have not looked at or desired pornography or any other sexual type of sin, HE DELIVERED ME!!!!
This revival went on for 9 months and in that time my life was a 180 degree turn. It started 2 years ago this coming November and since that time I first got into deacon ministry and actually became appointed as a deacon, yes me! Secondly, God used one of my friends that was in my dream, who has become a very dear friend to me. He gave him a word one Sunday night that God was calling me to Children's ministry. Now, I became more involved in it but for 6 months I thought it just meant God wanted me to be a worker or support person, I was still searching for my "real" calling. A year ago this coming November (a year after the revival began) God revealed His plan to me again after much fasting, prayer and reading of the Word and I am now convinced that He has called me, my wife and family into Children's ministry and since that time I have begun training and being mentored to that goal.
Where are we now......in the morning we begin the next step. We begin taking classes/seminars in our denomination for me to become a licensed minister. By next June I should have the first step of it completed and within 2 years I will be fully credentialed. In the meantime starting next year we will begin seeking full time (if possible) positions as children's pastors. My wife is a teacher so shouldn't have too much trouble finding work if we have to move. We have placed our faith in God and are willing to take the next step of commitment to His service. I am so unworthy of even a momentary glance of the eye of God, but by the sacrifice of Christ on the cross I know that by His grace and mercy I am fully redeemed and He has cast my sins into the depths of the ocean. I can never thank Him or praise Him enough for what He has done for me.
